Powerlessness and Self-Will Run Riot – FOTS Step 11 Workshop – Part 6 of 25 – Robin W.

Thank you. My name is Robin, and I am powerless, powerless, powerless over alcohol. And if you didn't hear it the first time around, I am powerless. I'm very grateful to be here. I've never gotten in this neck of the woods before, and it's good to be here. I usually get sent to places where I've had some sort of past history associated. You know, he's got a caustic sense of humor, you know. And, you know, it's kind of neat, though, to be able to go to a totally new place and realize that I don't have to make amends for anything other than the fact that I'm there, you know. But that usually comes out in the wash, so we don't worry about that. Robin took his first drink when he was 14, his last drink when he was 45. And it was downhill all the way, you What was it like? I'm going to tell you what it was like. It was 31 years of self-destructive, self-will run riot. Look at them. They don't even know what I'm talking about. Sitting there like little angels, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, so clean they squeak. I don't know if you're ready for me, but I'm ready for you. Just fasten your seatbelts, it gets worse. No, the beautiful part of this is that I only have one story so I don' t have to worry about what I'm going to say and besides, he tells me what he thinks you ought to hear not what I want to say so it always comes out a little bit different because believe it or not Everywhere I go, every group, every roundup, every conference has its own distinct personality. And I'm telling you something, you guys don't have to take a backseat to anyone, you know. It's really your accommodations and everything are really great and everybody smiles and says hi. And I am wondering, hmm, okay. Oh, before I forget I mustn't forget this You know, this is an honest program And to the gentleman That kind gentleman Stopped me in the hall and said Oh, you have such beautiful black hair It's called Preference by L'Oreal Okay? Now that we got that one straight He probably won't speak to me again but that's all right, you know. I can take the bitter with the sweet, you know. I'd love to tell you that in my checker drinking career, that there were some good times, but there weren't. I'd be the biggest liar in the world if there were any good times. Let's say it this way. They were so completely overshadowed and drowned out by the bad ones that, you know, Robin was one of those instant alcoholics. I took my first drink when I was 14. I was working somewhere. I was raised in a soldier town, and I was working a soda fountain. And oh, was I working that soda fountain! Anyway, you know, this sergeant came in and he says, would you like a drink? This is the soda fountain I said, sure, why not? He said, well, the restroom was up on the mezzanine or something, and he said, come on up there, and I'll give you a drink. So we went up there and he pulled out a flask and he handed it to me. And I took a big swig of it and almost choked in gas and died right on the spot. And he finally just slapped me on the back and he says, I thought you said you could drink. I said, it went down my windpipe, you know, and i just said, give me that bottle. And then i took a good one. Well this was sometime in the afternoon by the time I got off work, which I don't remember getting off work. I was gone. And, you know, I got deathly drunk. I had a blackout. And I woke up the next morning, popped up against the screen door of the house where I lived, and I had relieved myself in every way humanly possible. little did i know that this would be the final humiliation the final pinnacle of success we might play in this thing called alcoholism oh wow but i didn't know and i kept right on going and uh it never got better it always got worse and, you know, the last ten years of my practicing alcoholic life were spent literally, literally, literally as a skid row wino. I mean, we're talking skid-row wino here. I mean we're still talking filth and fleas. We're talking sleeping in garbage cans under the docks covered with newspapers, dumpsters, alleys. You know, they have flophouses on Skid Row, but they wouldn't even let me in. The cops wouldn't ever let me go. They wouldn't pick me up because they weren't about to dirty up their paddy wagons. You know? It's kind of scary when I think about it now. Ten nonstop years. Filthy, dirty pieces, you know? And I used to lay in the street. And my legs were covered with wine sores. and sometimes I'd prop myself up in a doorway and people would feel sorry for me and they'd throw chains at me. And would you believe that when I finally came crawling through the door that last time around, I'd like to tell you that I made it the first time. Oh, this is one of my really, really, really, real, real best memories. Really, really pet, pet, pets. I love it when I go to a meeting and you hear someone, you've heard them, maybe you're one of them, forgive me, but I've got to say this. Oh, I went to my first meeting. I knew I was where I belonged, and it's been peaches and cream ever since. I'd like to go up, come in, just slap them right across the place. Just slap them good and hard, you know. There is no count. There is not count how many times Robin fell in and out of these rooms. And I mean, you now, and I couldn't figure it out. You kept getting better, I kept getting worse. But every time somebody would say, if you don't know all there is to know about being sick and tired of being sick and tired, of being oh so sick and oh so tired of just being sick and tired of being. Okay. There's the door. Hit it. And boy, every time they said that I'd say, hallelujah, and out the door I go. Couldn't figure out why a year later they'd be putting me in another huggy-poo jacket and off to another rubber room I would go, you know. The nut houses and jails and institutions, I stopped counting after the 50th time. I just stopped counting. Who cares? Home again, yes. Do I get my usual cell? Am I going to be strapped to the same bed or are you going to upgrade me this time around? It becomes a way of life. Don't laugh. And all of you that are sitting there so smug and high and mighty, well, I have never been to Skid Row, I know. Well, I've never been in any of those places. I'm going to remind you about three-letter words in the program. This is program talking, not me. It's YET, Y-E-T, and it translates into You're Eligible Too. So, you know, just get your royal. If there's anyone here who doesn't know all there is to know about that, or maybe you're just a little alcoholic, try being a little pregnant sometimes. You don't work. You either are or you're not. But anyway, if there's someone here who thinks they're in the wrong place, you know, or maybe your doing research or something or just passing through, Well, I'm going to tell you the same thing they told me. There's the door. Hit it. Better you than me. Because, you know, it took me 31 years from the first ring to the last to finally crawl through that door with my rear end dragging so low it was wiping out my footsteps. And common sense would dictate that at this point Robin would say, Here I am. Help me. if you believe that, you're sicker than I am, you know. They had just thrown me out of my last locked ward, not house, psychiatric, whatever, and I stood on the corner. I had the rags I had on, not a cent to my name, no place to go, and this little voice inside my head said, well, what do we do for an encore? You know, 45 years on planet Earth and all you've got to show for it is the biggest zero, zilch, nothing you ever saw. And then this other voice, the voice that's way back here somewhere, the one that tells you what you're supposed to be doing, not the one who tells you what you want to be doing. Of course, none of you have those voices, do you? No, no, no. I see you are okay. That's all right. I've got them, and I'm proud to have them around because if I didn't have them, I might not be here today. And this other boy said, well, there's always those rooms. And I said, oh, no. Oh, no, not that final humiliation. No, no., no. Haven't I had enough? I mean, I've eaten out of garbage cans. I've slept in them. No, to come to one of these rooms and sit with you people was my idea of the end of the line. You've really had it now, you know. I really thought a great deal about you in the beginning. Death would have been better than to sit in the same room with you, you sanctimonious bunch of you-know-what. I used to hate you worse than death itself And the names I called you then, and the names I can call you now if I choose to. But today, I don't have to. See, that's the difference. Then I hated, resented, dared. I came in, I said, I dare you. I dare You. Every one of you was an obstacle, a barrier between me and my next drink. And I'd come in shaking and quaking and sweating like a pig and hanging on for dear life, sitting on my hands and holding on to the chair. And you'd smile and you'd look and he'd come and die. And I said, but you don't understand. I don't have a place to stay. Robin, just don't drink and go to meetings. I said but I haven't had anything to eat. Robin, don't blink and go to meetings. I don't know where I'm going to sleep tonight. Robin, don't wink and go to meetings These people are wackos They're nuts They're comp... Today people run up to me when you know they get all thrilled and excited when they hear something Tell me Robin, what's the secret? How does this program work? I'd just look at them and say, angel child, don't drink and go to meetings. That is the answer in case you didn't know it. Do you know that if you don't do anything else, think of it, think about it if you will, if you Don't Do Anything Else but not take a drink one day at a time or any other mood-altering substance, get your ass to one of these damned old meetings, say help in the morning thank you at night don't do anything else thumb your nose at the steps and at everybody at all the meetings but do exactly what I just told you one day at a time and whether you like it or not your life is going to become so unbelievably in line that it's going to scare you things that even in my worst audio or visual hallucination I wouldn't have dreamt of asking for are handed to me on a daily basis. Why? Because somewhere along the way, I did what that first step told me to do. The first half of the first step, which is the only place you're going to find the word alcohol mentioned. And what does it say? In the beginning, I'd say, My name is Robin. I'm an alcoholic. Sounds great, baby, but that's not what the first step says. My name is Robin. I'm chemically dependent. Sorry, can't make it with that one either. My name's Robin. I'm a drunk. Drunks don't have to come to these damned old meetings in case you didn't know it. My name' s Robin. I'm duly addicted. Ooh, we're getting real high and mighty there. Sorry, that is not what he said. That's not the first thing that says. What does the first tip say? It says we admitted we were powerless. Powerless. It doesn't say anything else. I don't care how you twist it, turn it upside down, look at it sideways, maybe from the bottom up. It ain't going to change. We admitted we Were Powerless, and I thought to myself, I'm powerless over a little glass of amber liquid? Hey, I didn't tell you I was a class wino. I drank Indian champagne. For those of you who don't know what Indian champagne is, I'm going to tell you. White port wine. But God help you if you light a match when you open that bottle, you know. Anyway. Purity gasoline, you now. And, you known, it was awful. In those days, you'd get a flat one, you'd be shaking like a leaf. A flat one is a pint, a round one is the quart. I'm giving you an education on the street, you're not. And the only reason I can stand here and give you this little, you know, lesson in street lingo is because, you now, I learned the rules of the street real early. Do you know what the rules for the street are? No, you don't. And I'm going to tell you whether you want to hear them or not because it makes for good, you known, coffee and all that jazz. If you snooze, you lose. If you snore, you leave more. Okay, that's one of them. Keep your eyes and ears open and your big mouth shut. You've all heard that one. Then the last one, which is you don't con a con. You don't bullshit a bullshitter. You don' t hustle a hustler. And you don' te snow the snowman. Now if you can remember that, you're going to survive. I don't care how many years you want to put in in that school of hard nuts. See, the degree I have is not a piece of paper. It's implanted right in the middle, you know. The cops used to use cattle prods on me, really, because they wanted me to get away from them. They said, don't come close to us. You stink. Anyway, just remember that until I admitted I was powerless, there was no way I could go any further with this program. Because, you see, when they took the alcohol away from Robin, and they left a, at that time I weighed 145 pounds, a walking corpse with his skin stretched over bone, the most beautiful color of gray you ever saw. If I turned the corner real fast and ran into some kids, they'd scream and run. They thought I was a walking corp. They really did. But drinking had nothing to do with it. And you had better not forget that. And the thing was that, you know, even in this emaciated condition, when I walked through that door the last time around, inside I was the biggest I am you ever saw. I plunked my raggedy-ass self down in a chair and immediately expected everybody to wait on me. I mean, after all, I'm doing you the favor of coming to this place. No, no, no. This is what the disease, illness, affliction is all about. It tells us we ain't got no disease, illness or afflection. And it's the thing that tells us this time it's going to be different. Have you ever used that line? I have used that lie so many times and I'd love to tell you that after the last drink it stopped existing in my repertoire of words. Today I still want to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. So obviously they took away the alcohol, but they left me the ism, which stands for an incredibly short memory And that's why I have to come to so many of these dandos meetings, because I have to hear the same crap over and over. And I drank a pint. I drank an quart. I drank one week. I drank two years. I drank three years. My drunks lasted six years. I drank 1 gallon in one gulp. Who gives? You know. Just remember, I don't care if you've never seen a skid row, literally a physical skid row, or if you've never been a skid row, why no? But I'm going to challenge you right here, right now, this moment. I want you to sit there and very quietly in your own clean, beautiful little world, think about the last day, the one that brought you to these rooms. and you know you might just remember that Skid Row can be a frame of mind and those bodily fluids that come out of all the different places of our bodies they smell the same in a penthouse as they do in a garbage can or have you forgotten well if you have, I'm here to remind you. Think about it. Because one of the most beautiful parts of Robin's program today is my humanness. Humanness with all the frailties that go with being human. In the when of my life, I was not human. I was an animal. I didn't walk. I crawled. I did not live. I existed in a chemical void. The only words I could put together words. Where is the next one coming from? Never mind food, lodging, clothing, medical attention. Forget it. My legs were rotting off. Who cares? Just give me that jog and I'll be all right. None of you ever thought that way. None of you even gave it that kind of... I go crazy when I think about it. See, this is affecting me more than it is you. You're sitting there and you're thinking, what is that idiot talking to us like that, or can't he tell by looking at us that we come from higher places? I'm going to tell you about those higher places in just a second. You're really not going to get away with that one because, you know, have you ever heard anyone or maybe you've said it, oh, I know all about drinking and stopping drinking. I know all about 12 steps and staying sober, it's time for me to elevate my consciousness. Well, I'm going to tell you, don't waste any time. Just elevate your ass right out the door and the bar is right over there because that's where you're headed anyway. You know, the name of the game is I am powerless. And believe it or not, it was the very admission of powerlessness that empowered me, so to speak, to go on to the second half of the first step. And that hole that was left when they took the alcohol away from me, a 145-pound hole at that time, the other 11 1⁄2 steps are placed there for me to refill that hole. You take something away, you've got to put something back or the whole thing is just going to collapse. Of course, you don't know anything about collapsing, do you? You don't Know Anything About the World Coming to an End in Leaps and Bounds. And you're wondering, how do I get out of this one? Well, you know, they say if you need help, you've got to ask for it. I can remember in the beginning, I could be dying sometimes. This is after I sobered up. When I was playing the game, I Could Ask You for Anything. You know, I could pick your pocket and I could take everything you had and then I could convince you that it was your idea, you know. You know it's called cunning, baffling, and powerful. Alcohol is called that in the program. The alcoholic becomes cunning, Baffling and powerful And, of course, on the street we turned that into con-bullshit and manipulation. Of course, you wouldn't know about manipulating people, would you? Oh, I love it. All these innocent angels. I can just see the halos glowing in this room. And I hear the rustle of the wings at any moment. This whole place is going to take off and go off into the... Wow, I am really privileged to be in such an auspicious environment with all these people. Hey, I've got news for you. Just like Mae West said, goodness had nothing to do with it. And, you know, that applies to me. And it seems to me that every story I've ever heard, every honest story I'd ever heard says pretty much the same thing. So if you want to continue telling yourself that, oh boy, have we got something to talk about when this one leaves town. Did you hear what he said? Well, I've got news for you. You know, this is how robins stay sober. And you know what is one of the greatest rewards of this program for me? number one is my sobriety because without it I would not be here number two is this thing called a higher power in order to be able to conceive to be even able to entertain a thought that in any way shape or form would include this concept of H-P, or even worse, G-O-D. Oh God, I used to throw up over that one. That was my throw up word. Every time I heard it in one of these places, I'd run out the nearest door to the nearest John and heave my guts out. And everybody used to look at me and say, what's wrong with him? I said, it's that G-o-d word. It makes me sick. And And, you know, the bottom line was, let's think about that a little while. Of course, none of you have done anything like that, I'm sure. You came in and embraced everything they handed you and said, here I am. Okay. This elder looked at me and he says, you don't know what if that G-O-D bothers you so much? I said, you better believe it bothers me. I said, if there is one of those things around, and it's called G-O-D, and this thing knows everything like you say he does, I'm in trouble. I mean, even the stuff in the dark out there? No, no, no. No way does he want anything to do with me. I don't want anything TO do with him. You know, he can go his way. I'll go mine. That's it. Forget it. Next step, please. He says, sit down, idiot, and shut up and listen And listen, and listen some more. And when you want to puke over that, listen some More, okay? So I had to sit down, and he said, If you don't like the word G-O-D, if it really bothers you that much, why don't you try good, orderly direction? If you're from Missouri and you've got to be shown, why don'T you try a group of drunks? You can feel them, touch them, smell them, the whole bit. They're there. There's no denying. They're right there. Hey, you out there, if you are there. The girls will like this one. He, she, or if to whom it may concern. Now, if I'm talking heresy up here, I'm going to remind you of something. Right up there on the 12th step, It says something about H-P, but then it also says in very important underlying four words following G-O-D, as we understand him. Now you can say her, you can stay it. I knew a girl, she had a chair, she called it Alfred, it worked. And the reason I can say that is because, listen to this, the reason why I can't say that is because nowhere in all the literature that's been printed are you going to find a graphic description of G.O.D. Why? Because it says right there afterwards, as we understand him, as you understand him and I understand him as I don't understand him as I could give two steps if I understand them. which means that right here, right now, this moment, think about this. There are as many HPs, higher powers, gods in this room as there are people. The program says that. I don't. The program said take anything you want as long as it isn't you. You see, that was Robin's problem. It's hard to accept a higher power, a G-O-D, when you're sitting square in the middle of the throne. Think about it. I'd move over and I'd show him one corner and say, see this corner? Five minutes. And if it isn't all done, out you go. But he'd push the whole button and say boy, this is a real wacko. There's people over here that really need help. And he'd just leave me there just screaming and squalling, you know. But the bottom line is that today, this was in the beginning when I fought and screamed and squalled. But today, I can still fight, scream, and squall, but I don't do it quite as heavy. And I have found out that my higher power is a swinger. He has to be to put up with me, you know? But the beautiful part of that one is if I need a father, he'll let me talk to him that way. If I need a brother, a confidant, and I can use King's English or I can use street language, he understands it all. And I've even called him everything but a white man, you know. And he just kind of takes that in stride too. But he gets back at me because remember, no matter how, I could throw myself on the floor right here, right now, and scream and squall until I turn blue. But until he's ready to do whatever he wants to do for me, I ain't getting nothing. And he's going to pick out the color. He's goingto write the script. He'sgoing to do the choreography, the music, everything. And it's goingt be in his time, not mine. Ooh, is that a hard lesson to learn? But I want, I want. I want! I want!! I want!!! Be careful what you ask for. Oh, you've had it happen, right? You might just get it and then you're going to be saying, I didn't mean to take it away, you know. But it's beautiful. And, you Know, my wants, I'd be in a lot of trouble if I really got them. It's nice to think about it and to be daring and say, this is what I really want. And then all of a sudden you think about and you say, I really didn't means that. No, no, no. Whatever you wish to give me will be fine. Then you go like this. That makes you feel real holy inside. And then you're thinking, what can I tell him next to really get this going real fast here? But the idea is that he has a fantastic sense of humor. And, you know, no matter how I slice it, no matter what I try to wiggle out from under it, my life was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just picture a big zero zilch, nothing. Just nothing. That's what my life is all about when I came crawling through that door. and you know what is the most one of the other beautiful things that comes from this program and believe me this was not expected and it is such a neat and beautiful thing think about this one of those beautiful things that just hit me all of a sudden out of the clear blue was when I realized and I was able to stand up in front of a group of people and say do you know why Now, Robin does not mind being alone with Robin anymore. And oh, is there a neat feeling to where you don't have to... You know what happens when you come to that point? Everything around you just falls into place. I mean, doors open. They don't close. Things fall in your lap. I mean, I'm not saying that life on life's terms is going to come to a screeching halt and it's going to be wall-to-wall cherry jubilees and Muzak and everything else. No, no, no. Life goes on. But every day that I don't take a drink, get myself to one of these damned old meetings, and say, help in the morning, thank you at night, is another day, another deposit in that spiritual bank account that I have. And you know, I have a press agent in the sky that works overtime on my behalf. Do you think I have anything to do with getting here? No way. When I got the call, I thought, where did they get a hold of me, you know? And you knows, he works overtime. He works overtime for me on my own behalf. And obviously there was something that I needed to do here, so here I am. And whether any one of you gets so much as one word of encouragement out of this, I am going to stay sober one more day. So, you know, that's the name of my program. It's a very selfish program, incidentally. I've got to tell you that. Because, you Know, somewhere it says that if I don't take care of me, nobody else can or will. And there's something in there that says I am responsible. And whenever anyone reaches out for help, if I want the hand of AA to be there for that, I am responsible. Which means that I've got to take care of me first. One day at a time, I can't take a drink or any other mood-altering substance so that if someone does reach out, I'm going to be available. Do you know what would happen if Robin took a drink? That curb is only as far as the nearest curb that's around here. And I'd love to tell you that I never think of drinking, that I never dream of drinking. That I never wake up with a taste in my mouth. That I Never Wake Up With A Hangover Sometimes It's So Real. Listen, instead of getting all scary and wide-eyed and hysterical, try to remember, or I try to remember, I am an alcoholic. I'm supposed to think about drinking. I'm supposed to dream about it. We're better but in bed. God, you wake up and say, wow, that was quite a... And he'd say, oh no, it didn't happen, did it? Okay. And you go on from there. I've had people call me up, oh, I dreamt I took a drink. I said, where did you dream this? Well, in bed, of course. I said okay, predict that. You know, this program is so unbelievable, so indescribable, so completely, I don't know how to describe it, but the point is that it does what nothing else can do for me anyway. Like I told you before, nowhere, nowhere in my wildest audio or visual hallucination could I have even dreamed of what's happened in my life. Very quickly, when Robin came into the program, he had a high school education. There was a piece of paper laying around somewhere of it said I had that. I think I had something like C minus or D average. I just barely made it. And when Robin last came to the program, that last time around, he was walking into walls. I mean, I was wacko. I was so wacko that they put me into a rehabilitation workshop. One of those places where a group of people just like us with every degree and every variation on disabilities is there, and we're all putting little doodads together, and you know, it's really kind of sad, but don't misunderstand me. I'm not making fun of it. See, that's a beautiful part of this program. We don't laugh at each other. We laugh with each other, and the beautiful part is that we can take life-and-death situations and find humor in them. Of course, in hindsight, in retrospect, but boy, when it was happening, it wasn't funny was that you know so anyway i go to this rehabilitation workshop the department of vocational rehabilitation sent me there and i was walking involved and i'd come in everyone had a counselor and he looked at me and said robin you look terrible he says in fact you look like you slept in your clothes and i said well i did and he says i've got to talk to you about that one he says what do you mean you slept in his clothes and then he starts giving me the feel about you're supposed to undress you're put on your pajamas you're in bed I just looked at him boy this guy is really green around the edges I said you know what sir I hate to interrupt but where I'm from and I was talking about my days on Skid Row because I was fresh out of there and it took me a long time to get over that one. If you think it's easy to forget, it isn't. And so I looked at him and said, You know what? When you're on skid row, you don't take off your clothes and put on your jammies to sleep in a garbage can. Besides, if you got to run real fast, you'd look kind of funny running down the street with no clothes on. And he said, Well, how'd they get so wrinkled? And then he mentioned in the bed. And I said, he says, you do sleep in a bed? I said no sir, I don't because I didn't. It took me a year to be able to crawl in a bed. Because you know when I was out there doing my thing, that was the worst place to be because you roll and you fall out and you hit your head. So rather than do this, you just lay on the floor and you can't fall any further, you know. Kind of hard sometimes but it saves you a lot of bumps and a lot of knocks on the head, you know. See? You can laugh with me. Great! We're getting somewhere, finally. I love you. I really do. And I can say that to all of you within the framework of the part-time and the amen, because that's what fellowship and love is all about. But don't ask me after the amen, porque tengo cosas que hacer y estoy ocupado. Eso es. Y si no crees en eso, la Next time you're at a meeting and they're talking about love and fellowship, instead of closing your eyes when they say the Lord's Prayer, open them right after the Amen and see what happens. They're gone. Fellowship, love, where are you? Sorry. Sorry. Now listen to the other side of that coin. One of the reasons this program, this unbelievable indescribable program works so well is you don't have to take me home with you and I don't have to take you home with me. That's why it works so well. Can you imagine what would happen if all of us were really obligated to this? We'd kill each other in a second, which reminds me, which remindsme. You know what? If you don't take care of you, nobody else can or will. I said that before. I'm saying it again for a reason. Because, you know, I sometimes think about the fact, oh, what they said about me, what they did. Different things, you know. I worry about what people say, what people do, what people, people, and then finally someone took me aside and they said, you really shouldn't, you wouldn't worry about what people thought of you if you knew how seldom they do, you know? And, of course, here we go again. Here we go Again with the Big I Am, the center of the universe. Every time I walk into a room, I think every eye is on me. People could care less. I could walk in in a gunny sack and they'd just say, Oh, yeah, that's right. They wouldn't even notice, wouldn't even notice. But see, that's the beautiful part of it. And I don't care where you're from or how you got here, you're here now. So why don't you be nice to yourself? Why don't you stick around? I don' t know if there's any beginners here or not, but I'd like to tell you that if there was any way possible that I could, you know, have it all wrapped up in a beautiful box with feathers and bows and ribbons and stuff and then hand it to you and say, here you are baby, your troubles are over. Wouldn't that be great? Don't kid yourself. You're going to bust your ass the same way everybody else in this room, the sameway, you know, they said it's so simple a six-year-old can understand every word, but nowhere does it say it's going to be easy and I would be doing you a great disservice if I told you It's peaches and cream from here on out, baby You're going to bust your ass You're gonna work hard You're gonnna fall You're gunna pick yourself up You're gugna work some more You're gone scream You're gonna squall And then all of a sudden One of those good days is gunna hit you And you won't know what to do with it I didn't carry it away So let's get back to business here When I was in that rehabilitation workshop, my DVR counselor called me in and he says, Robin, you've been here a year, so now we're going to move on. And I said, oh, okay. And he says you're going back to school. And I looked at him and I said oh, you jest of course, you zest, you jest, yeah, yeah. He said no, I don't. And I thought that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Do you realize how old I am? Never mind, don't count. That's it. I said, I graduated from high school 31 years ago. Do you realize what you're saying? He says, Robin. His face didn't change. He didn't miss a beat. He looked at his desk. He says okay. No school. No money. And I said when do I start sir? When do I star? I'm ready. Send me, send me. This is the kick in the ass that he knew I needed to get me going. Enough of these little doodads and bumping into walls and forgetting to take off my clothes when I go to bed. It was time to move onward and upward, if you will. So Robin went back to school, kicking and screaming, ranting and raving every inch of the way. I went to a little junior college there in Chicago, Truman College. It's a two-year college, and they give you a little AA degree in liberal arts. It took me two and a half years, but finally I made it. And then came graduation. And somebody walks up to me, one of the other graduates, and said, who's going to stand up for you at your graduation? I said, stand up from me? And he says, oh yeah, you've got to have family come in and stand up. He said, oh, okay, family. And, of course, Robin is a Skid Row rhino, and he's been gone from family for 2,000 years. So I thought, well, how do I do this? And then cunning, baffling, and powerful went into work, and I ran out on the street. And I got the street social worker, and then I got a little rhino named Richard. And I said, okay, you're my sister. You're my brother. Come on in. Make him hide that bottle. Don't let him drink while he's in there. And so when they called my name to present me with my diploma, I got up, and then Richard pulls out his jug and takes a big drink in my honor. And I was so embarrassed I wanted to die because I was sober now. Not too sober, but a little bit sober. So that was that, and I thought, this is it, I've had it, no more, I can't stand it, I'm too old, I'm going to die, blah, blah, bla, bla. Nine months later, I enrolled in Northeastern Illinois University, which is a state college, which is the logical place to go. I'm doing this just to aggravate at least one person in this room who has been thinking about school and has been telling themselves, I'm too old, I can't learn anything, I've got brain damage, it just won't work. This is dedicated to you, whoever you are. And I just found them. Okay, right over here. Right over here! Yay! So kicking and screaming and swearing I was too old and that the brain cells wouldn't work and everything else, I went to and I got my baccalaureate in psychology. Wow. It took me eight years because I was going half time and I was trying to keep body and soul together during the day and I went through school at night. I didn't even go to that graduation. By this time, I was so tired and worn out I thought forget it. Just forget it who needs a graduation? Just give me the degree and let me get the hell out of here. So I said, that's it. Forget it. No more. Then, of course, there's all these do-gooders, you know, concerned, you know, people that want to help you. Robin, really, I mean, after all, it's unbelievable that you even got this far. Don't you think you ought to go just a little bit further? And I say, don't you thing you oughta go out there and do something with yourself. You know, just get out of my face. This is ridiculous. I'm a thousand years old and you want me to go on? In his warped sense of humor, I got a folder in the mail. And lo and behold, before I knew it, you know what the answer is, I wound up in a graduate at school in a special program for dodo's like me, and I got my master's in human services. Now listen to this very carefully. This is the same rhino that spent ten nonstop years on skid row. This ist he same rhina that the best and the worst of the medical profession All gave up on me. This is the same wino that gave up on himself that threw in the towel and said, forget it, just let me die. This is the same wino that kicking and screaming crawled through these doors. This program is so unbelievable and it can create such beautiful things in your life. But you've got to let it. You've got a letter. You know, the promises, they're all there. But you got to prepare yourself to receive them. You've gotta be willing to accept them. Never mind the work involved. They're there and they're yours for the taking. But you've got to say, I want it, not I need it. I used to say God how long am I going to have to come to these damned old meetings? And this one helping person looked over at me and said, Robin, you've gotta come until you want to come. And I thought, that will never happen in my day. But it has happened. And it is the most beautiful, beautiful happening. This business, you know, this relationship with my higher power, something I never dreamt possible. And everywhere I go, it is manifested in my life some way. You know, just little tiny blips here and there. Not great big. I mean, I don't have diamonds and furs and Cadillac cars yet. But I'm working on it. And every time I give them the list, I've learned. I've gotten a little bit smarter. Progress, not perfection, I put at the very end. But only, only if it's in your plan for me anyway. But hurry it up a little better, okay? I'll be right over here, okay. Anyway, it's all there. and you can have as much of it as you want, as little of it as you wants, or none if you want. And the bottom line for me has got to be how much of me am I willing to give to get? Right now this moment my life is necessary. An hour from now listen, an hour from now I may be drunk. But you know what? If I take care of this moment right here, right now, the next moment is going to go by me clean and sober. And then I'm going to walk into the next one clean and sober. And then the next thing's going to zoom by me clean and silver. And moments become hours, hours, days, weeks, months, years. And no matter how I want to sabotage it, And no matter how I want to get in the way, every day that I do not take a drink or any other mood-altering substance, it becomes better and better and bigger. So anyway, try to go out there and do more than exist. Live the beautiful way of life within these unbelievable 12 suggested steps because believe me, that's where it really is all at. And, you know, do more than exist. Live and then, you Know, do More than hear. You know, just try to listen. Try to listen to what's being Said. Try to see how you Can apply it to yourself. Don't look For the differences. Look for the similarities. Even if it's only one word. You can at least say I-S. That I can relate to. And then Try to do more Than listen. Try to understand. Please try to understand that whether you believe it or not, you were chosen. Think about how you got here. Think about what you had to do to earn that seat you're sitting in. And think about all of these things that happened that got you here. Think of what has happened since the day you came through that door thinking the world was over. And then I dare you to tell me it doesn't work. If it didn't work, you wouldn't be here. So when you leave here tonight, I know there's none around, but there will be tomorrow, reach for the sky. Grab yourself a rainbow. Because at the very end of it, you're going to find a little pot of golden chips. And every one of them is going to be stamped one day at a time. God bless you and thank you.