Powerlessness and Character Defects – Step Study – a 12 Step Study – Part 2 of 6 – Local AA Speakers

Well, my name is Ray O'Keefe and I'm an alcoholic. The reading just now was talking about something being cunning and baffling and powerful and it also said there was one who had all power. And power is a word that we use a great deal in Alcoholics Anonymous. We start the first step by saying we're powerless. And alcoholism, I found out, is a very powerful disease. It's so powerful, alcoholism. It kills people who don't have it. That's a very powerful disease. It actually kills people who don' t have the disease. I had an older brother he was four years older than I was my brother Billy and he was acting very badly all his life and I had come into AA and I talked to my older brother and he assured me he was not alcoholic and he died and on his death certificate They put down cause of death. Alcohol is a very powerful disease. It killed my brother, and he didn't even have it. Difficult. Difficuld disease. And it almost got me, too, and I don't think I would have lasted much longer. I sometimes say, it's a little dramatic, I suppose, that if I had come here one day later, it might have been too late. And if I'd come here One Day Earlier, I might not have stayed. because there is something very mysterious, I think, about when someone reaches this thing we call the bottom. When, why my last drink was my last Drink, I really have no answer. That day wasn't so different from many other days that I had experienced. In fact, I had been in worse shape than I was that day. I'd been in a worse shape physically and emotionally and worse shape financially. But that just seemed to be the day that I stopped drinking. I don't know, I had to sort of experience the ABCs. I had understand that I was alcoholic and could not manage my own life, that no human power could relieve my alcoholism, but that God could and would if he were sought. And that required me, of course, to come to an understanding of God or to come into terms with God as I understood him. And I really was not interested in a God who came down from the mountain or a God Who Came Down From The Cross or a god who came out from a cave in a pillar of fire and smoke or anything like that. I wasn't interested in that. but I sure was interested in having a power manage my life, a God of my understanding, our Father, your Father, and my Father. A God who cared so much for someone like me who really didn't have very much that anybody could care about. A God Who cared so Much About Some Drunk Like Me that he came into the gutter in which I found myself on that day and brought me here and showed me a way out, a solution to this problem that I had. I was very interested in something, some power greater than my own that could do that for me. It was a very practical thing. And I stopped drinking. And I haven't had a drink now for a while. And I've been coming to these meetings, and somewhere along the line, after I had taken care of the emergency aspects of my problem with alcoholism, after I'd stopped drinking, which took care of a physical problem, and after I came to believe that I could be restored to sanity, which did something for me mentally, restored some of my mental capacities. I could do a crossword puzzle, that kind of stuff. I knew my name. I could write it down. So I began to recover slowly mentally. And then I came to this understanding of our father. And I began a spiritual recovery and tried to follow these guidelines. But then because I had a sponsor, which is the best thing that ever happened to me, I talked to him today. We keep in touch. because I had that man who had been here, who had gone through the path that we follow. He told me there was something else the matter. It was not just the drinking. He said there's something else the matter, there's nothing else in your life. There are defects in your character. That was not good news. That was no good news, I thought I was a nice guy that drank too much. But he told me nice guys who drink too much don't come to Alcoholics Anonymous. We don't need any nice guys here who drink too much Nice guys who drink too most should drink. Nice guys who drink much should stay home and drink. They should get drunk four or five times a year. Put the lampshade on their head, put the party hat on. Talk dirty, become a pain in the ass everybody understands he's having a good time he's a nice guy he just drinks too much but we don't get that here we get no good rotten low life sons of bitches that get thrown through this door and this is the last stop this is where they stop if they don't stay here used to have an Anglican priest in New York used to say you can sober up a bum but if the bum don't change She won't be sober very long. And that was me. I had to find out what else was the matter, what else wasn't there. There was a lot to matter with me. And I had to stay here with you to find out what was wrong with me and I had to find out that my defects of character, my shortcomings were the primary cause of my alcoholism and resulted in my defective relationships with other people. And in my case, the primary symptom of my character defects was not only the drinking that I did, but the isolation that I put myself into. I am a fairly gregarious fellow. I get along. I'm a great barroom companion. You want to stand up at a bar and have a few and tell some stories, that kind of stuff? I'm with you. And I like to meet people. I like new people, and I like old people. I like all kinds of people. I'm halfway gregarious anyhow. If I weren't such a snob, I'd be all the way gregarous. But that wasn't true at the end of my life. I was isolated at the beginning of my drinking life. I was all alone. I was by myself. There was nobody I could talk to. Who are you going to talk to? I couldn't tell anybody how I lived. I lived three different lives. I couldn't tell the guys in the bar. I was terrified all the time. I couldn'T tell the people at the law school that I threw up every morning and went to bed every night. They don'T like that in law schools. And I couldn' t communicate with my family, so I was alone, and it ended up with me and a bottle of vodka. And, of course, the more I drank, the MORE isolated I became, and the MORE isolate I became the MORE I drank. And when I crawled back in here, finally, in November of 1965, I don't think there were three people in this world I could have called my friend. I didn't have any friends. I had had some, but they were gone. And I didn' t have a good job. I had one that was gone. and everything that was of value to me had gone. I don't know where it went. It just went, and I thought I was in some kind of a time warp. I thought that was the end of my life. I thought it was where I had been like 15 years before that. I thought everything was all right, but it was just nothing was... Life on the edge, life on the age, and very gray, and every day is very much like another, So I did steps four and five. And I got some idea what I was about. I understood my defects of character. He pointed them out to me, any doubt I had about them. He was very happy to point out my shortcomings to me. He sort of had a good time watching my ego collapse all around him. That was good for me. It was a good experience. The hardest part about it was not doing it. Doing it after I was finished. Like most of our steps, once you do them, once they're finished, then you say, well, what the hell was the fuss all about? That was pretty good. That was not so bad. But a lot of people stop. They don't want to do four. They start talking code. They start rationalizing. What they're really telling you is that they want a drink. They're working on their inventory. Working on that, you know, they're working on their third inventory, which is almost as bad as working on it, on their first inventory. But I had to do those things. I didn't want to. I wasn't willing and I wasn' happy about it. But I did want to get well. And I did wanna stay here and I was afraid to go back there. I just was afraid of the drink. of course I knew it would get me got everybody else in my family I knew what would get me and I didn't really I don't want to go now but I sure didn't want to go then and I didn't wanna go that way and I finally got an understanding of myself and that's what four and five is for our steps are in groups the first three are the emergency room where we take care of the immediate problem of drinking four and five give you a relationship with yourself six and seven give you a relationship with God I never had that I didn't have a relationship with God how could I have a relationship with God I didn'y have time for that I wasn't interested in it but I got one in six and seven I became entirely ready I did the work in the garden and I hoped and I knew that God would grow some kind of a flower and then I asked him I developed a relationship with our father with your father my father and I asked them please you know help me do this show me the way to do it take it all take the good take the bad take whatever you want I indicated to him I at least was willing to do this I think he he got the notion that I was willing and then in time I was ready and then I asked him and he began to do things for me. It was time then to develop a relationship with the people around me and that's what steps eight and nine are for. And after all, what is there? I mean, what is There in the human condition? We have ourselves. We have our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with God and the people around us. That's all there is. You don't have a relationship with chairs or tables. Some of us fall in love with our automobiles, but they don't last. Mine don't. So it's a permanent thing. I had to write a list. That was... I didn't want to do that either. Everybody, he said. People who are dead? Everybody. People who moved away? Everybody. All. Make a list of all persons that you've hung. Guys who did it to me more than I did it to them, everybody, he said. Her? Everybody, he says. Them? Everybody. Man had no mercy. I had to do two lists. He didn't take the first one. The book tells us that we need prudence and judgment. Two things I didn't have any of I had no prudence, I had no judgment But I did come up with this list And that's all he asked me to do I didn' t have to go into any psychological roop-dee-doop about it Just the names, he said I want a list of names And then he said, if you want to, you don' t have to, but if you wan' t to, just put next to them What you think you can do for them So I came up with a list And I was ready to make amends I was willing to say I was sorry I told you about my friend Stuart He's my friend now I told You about the book I never wrote And the money that Stuart gave me And I owed Stuart money I'm not sure how much it was But it was a lot of money It was more money than I had when I wrote the list I know that and he said what are you going to do about Stuart you owe him this money I said I'm going to tell him I'm sorry he said that's just what he needs just what he needs so let me tell you what happened with Stuart about a little while later whenever it was I ran into a case I got a case involving a drug which had a wonderful side effect it was a very effective drug. Great antibiotic. Unfortunately, it killed people. It had an unfortunate side effect. It destroyed the spleen, but it killed any infection you might have. But it also took your spleen right out of you. Caused a condition called aplastic anemia and killed you. And this had killed someone I know's son, and he brought the case to me, and I was sober now. And it's a valuable case for a lawyer to have. It was a good case. So I took it and I worked it up, and when it came time to really get it moving, I took it down to Stewart. And I said, take this case and process it and take it to court and get the money. And when you get the money, lawyers, as you know, share money. Bring me the money Bring the money around, and I'll pay you back the money I owe you. It was my vehicle to give him back his money. And in due time, he settled that case, and he got the dough. And I went down on a Wednesday. You have to sign all these papers, and you have to make an accounting of where the money's going and all of that, and you Have to show everybody that you have a piece of it, and we have all these rules. So I signed and signed and assigned. And when I left, I said to them, Now don't forget, you have now complete control over the money when you get it. just take mine off the top, and if there's anything left, and I knew there was going to be some left, just send it to me. Thank you. And I left, and we were friends, and got along. Following Saturday, I was sitting home with a fellow named Bob from our group, and the mail came, and there was a letter from Stuart, and I said, oh, look at this. I said... Bob, this is a check. I'll buy you lunch today. And they opened it up, and it was a check for the full amount. And a letter form Stuart saying, well, a long time has gone by since we had that book deal. and you seem to be doing very well. And we know you're in that program, and we know you're doing something for the lawyers who have this problem. So my partners and I thought that we'd just send you the whole amount. And that's when I knew this goddamn step worked. See, as I went running around the library, look at this. And it worked. Now, not every time I went out to make amends That wasn't that good. If that was going on, I'd still be making amends. I'd spend 15 years. I'd do one a day if it was going to produce a result like that. Well, that's what happened with Stuart. And I got to see him on a regular basis and his partners. And the last case I had before I came down, the lastcase I hadbefore I stopped being an active lawyer was with one of his partners, and we reminisced about it all, and we got along fine. And that's only because my sponsor made me make direct amends. I would have preferred to make indirect amends, you know? How about an anonymous letter? Isn't that nice? Or how about a contribution to your favorite charity? Not a big one, just a contribution. The Catholics have a wonderful thing. They call it the poor box. and every Catholic church has this box it's for the poor you put in some money when you feel like it it's also a great place to get money if you're broke and I got to some of these other men he said what are you going to do about the money oh this guy I said how about the pool box you know you get a discount there you got a confession tell a priest you stole 50 say well put 5 in the pool get a little discount no no he said you got to make direct amends he said amends really means and I believe it get the situation back where it was before you screwed it up and actually now that I'm I have the experience with it and I'm finished with my amends the financial part was for me the easiest part because that's cut and dried the easiest thing in the world my problem was I didn't recognize harm to be anything other than physical or financial harm. I didn' t recognize emotional or spiritual harm. I didn''t know that my big mouth had hurt people and injured people. I thought they should be tough enough to take it when I was giving it to them. I thought people should lie still while I screwed them, you know? And not cause a fuss just because I was running a number by them. What the hell are you getting excited about? I had to learn different values about that he told me that the idea was to be of maximum service to God and the people around me he told my he told him I could not do that I could never be of any service to anybody if I was hiding from people and I was hiding from them because I owed them an amends I was always hiding It was very difficult. I worked primarily in this one building, courthouse. And I was there practically every day. And the same group of people were there every day, the only people that changed were the poor clients. The lawyers were always the same, the judges were always there. And I would say, and I was forever hopping into stalls and bathrooms because I didn't want to see, here he comes, I'd run into John and jump into a stall, make an appointment with me. Sure, go to a men's room, go to the third stall and knock three times and maybe he'll let you in. And it was difficult to practice law that way, you know? Oh, I'd just say, where's O'Keefe? He's in the bed, hiding. I had to come out of there. I couldn't, I knew I couldn'T do it and I couldnT get out of here until I got straight with all these people and not all of them were money. A lot of them just because I had a big mouth. And somehow it seemed to me that if I said something nice about you, it would somehow detract from me. So I rarely had anything good to say about anybody. He made me put all that down and I had to go around and do it. And I had do it face-to-face. I had go see these people. And sometimes I sure didn't want to. And what I used to do, I sort of had a little schedule that I would try to see this person or that person. I used take a train to work. It took about 40 minutes to get into Grand Central. If I knew I was going to see somebody that day about an immense boy all the way down, I'd be doing the third step prayer so that I wouldn't have the strength and the courage to go. and it's good because it reminded me of the wreckage I had caused I was very much like the man in the book that they talk about in The Night Stuck who after the tornado has leveled the whole thing comes up out of the cellar and says to his wife isn't it nice the wind stopped blowing and that was me after all I wasn't drinking right I didn't drink anymore what the hell is everybody I was willing to let bygones be bygiones what's everybody getting excited about I don't drink anymore they should build a little statue of me at the station but I had my sponsor I think the most important thing about the 9-step is to have your sponsor guide you through it he said it's time for you to become a father to your children I had 7 children and I didn't know anything about being a father these were all strangers to me They were good friends of my wife's. They got along fine. I just used to drop in from time to time and say no, you know? Get out of here. No. And he said, time for you to do that. Well, I had to get that situation. The book says we can scarcely make amends to our family in a lifetime. and I had to I had to somehow become a father to these kids I had to be there and treat them in a civilized way I think I really ended up treating them like pigeons somebody said that he treats all his kids like pigeons I just give him the mushroom treatment you know the mushroom treatment it's like how you grow mushrooms you keep them in the dark and give them a lot of shit but I had to end up being a father I went to an awful lot of little league games on an awful lot of little league games sat and watched a lot of 23 21 games sat with the mothers that's worse than watching a game sit with the mothers went to a lot of father and son stuff that kind of stuff a lot of high school games and ended up with, I guess I'm not, I'm certainly not the world's greatest father, but I get along good. With most of them, I think, I talked to two of them today, and we get along pretty well. I had to be a friend to my friends, and I didn't have to be a friend to my friends. My idea of people was that they were disposable. You know, you use them. You get what you can and then you throw them away and get some more. And if I met somebody, my first thought was, well, you know, how can I get at this guy? You know what kind of an angle can I use? How can this guy help me? Can he help me in business or can he help you socially or help me some other way politically? I all used people all the harm. I had to stop doing that. And of course, this program helps a great deal with that because I found myself available in this program. And I learned from sponsoring other people to take an interest in other people's lives and to understand that other people had certain rights and responsibilities. I made sure I didn't interfere with other people. people's lives. I had to face up to all of this stuff, that I had to be a friend to my friends. Maybe that's easy for people who are not alcoholic but when you are as self-centered and selfish as I am it's tough to be your friend here, right? To be there when some guy needs a little hand and need a little help. I had to face up to my responsibilities. I had a face up to the fact that if I worked for somebody or if I was a partner with somebody in a law firm, I had show up for work. If I was supposed to work, I worked. I suppose other people might consider that sort of self-evident that if you're on a payroll you should show up for work hadn't occurred to me. My job, the job I had, the job I was fired from is the same job I have now, same kind of a job. And I work now, I have a job, my job is full time. I work six hours a week, 26 weeks a year. I was fired from that kind of a job for not showing up. Can you imagine? I finished today. I don't have to work again on Tuesday afternoon. I worked an hour I work from 9 to 10 this morning. Lying to children, which is what I do. But I had to show up. I had a show up for work and I had to do what I was supposed to do. The only thing I ever did was get adjournments. I could have written a book on continuances or keep on adjournment. I had it show up and I stopped lying to people. And I had to understand that it wasn't them. It wasn't them, it wasn' they. They didn't do it to me. They didn't anything to me, I did it. I did it to myself. It was' them, wasn't they, wasn' her. It was me. Wasn't my mother, wasn''t my father. I'd have to go running around to adult children of alcoholics and somehow make myself out to be a victim. I did it. Nobody did it to me. Nobody ever put a gun in my head and said drink this or I'll kill you. I tell you, the only time I ever said no to a drink, I completely misunderstood the question. It was not them. It wasn't them. It was me. And I wasn't going through this immense process for them. One guy, he didn't like what I had to say. He told me. He told him you were never any good and I don't believe you now. Get out of here. I said, wait a minute, I'm not finished. He said, yes, you are. Get outofhere. I said to my sponsor, he don't like it. But I told him, he doesn't take what I said. Sponsor said, it's not for him, stupid. It's for you. Now let him worry about it. So you're finished with him, you did everything you could. We don't make the amends for those other people. God knows we've done enough for them. They also tell me that making amends is not just trying to renegotiate an old relationship. I see that sometimes with people I sponsor. Especially, you know, marriage or girlfriends or something. I think I'll call up Mildred and make an amends to her. Say, why in the world would you do that? You know, Mildret hasn't... You haven't seen Mildren in a long time and she's very happy doing what she's doing now. In fact, Mldred is married and living somewhere. Yeah, but I think i'd better go see Mildreth. Better renegotiate an old relationship. God might be very severe in cases like that. So I had to learn not to do that. I have to learn this. I really, the whole program is for me, and this going around for other people and doing what I could for them really had its benefits for me. And I had to understand that I was the one that caused this problem. I wasthe one that had screwed it up. These other people, my friends, were prepared to be my friends. My children wanted me to be their father, and I was what they got. But my partners wanted me to be a partner. And my dean wanted me to be the professor. They all wanted me to be these things. It was me that managed to screw it up. Nobody did this to me. I'm not a victim. I suffer from a disease. I don't know where I got it. I'm really not interested where I get it. But it wasn't Mommy and it wasn' Daddy who did it to me I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and all my children our adult child, and six of my children are members of A.A., but I didn't do it to them. They did it, and they came in for A.D., all on their own. I didn' t send them to A.J. They came here. I'm always, when I think of this, I always think of a great cartoon. You remember Pogo? Pogo the alligator lived right over there in the west in the Everglades, And he was sitting on the log one day with Alfred, Albert, his good and dear friend, Albert. And Pogo said to Albert, I have met the enemy, and it is us. And I was it. They used to say, I'm my own worst enemy. And she said, not while I'm alive. and after a while I had good experiences as I told you with these ninth steps I really wanted to do them I really want to do Dr. Bob came into this program doing the ninth step if you read our book on the day that he stopped drinking he got back home late that night Bill asked him where he'd been he said he'd be driving around Akron, Ohio on his old Buick mending fences, making amends trying to set things straight he had visited a number of people his very first day and told them that he had this problem that he'd met this man from New York and he thought there was help and he's going to see what he can do to get the situation back to where it should be. I don't think we need to wait for this. I think we should do it all as soon as we can, very fast. And the benefits of doing this are just incredible. I have some more of these cards that some people told me they didn't get any so I brought some more. I'll leave them up here. Third step prayers, seventh step prayers the serenity of prayer, and the promises. And this is what we get at the ninth step. And I know you've heard these many times, but I really like to listen to them. It says if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom. and a new happiness. We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door upon it. We will... I can't read it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience will benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us, we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us all of the things we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. You know, when I was drinking and in the last throes of alcoholism. Not one of those promises would have had any interest for me. I was not interested in serenity or knowing peace, and I had long since despaired of being happy. And I knew that my experience could not benefit anybody. I wanted to bury the past I was ashamed of my past I wouldn't talk about my past I couldn't tell anybody what I had done or where I had been just couldn't do it and then I came here I found out my past is an asset that those were not wasted years I didn't lose all those years I've been able to use every one of those experiences here in Alcoholics Anonymous. If someone new comes here and they're afraid and they are in a state of terror, I know how to talk to them. I know what that's like. If they come here and they feel ashamed because they've been fired from a job, welcome to the club. Or they've done something particularly irreprehensible. I know about that. It's an amazing thing and you begin, I think, at this step. The book tells us that at this step we are restored to sanity. This is the step where we really have experienced a great deal of our recovery and we're able to lose. I was able to lose some of that selfishness, not all of it. I wish I had. I Wish I was not self-centered. I am self-centred. I Wish I were not. I'm not anything as self-centered as once I was but I'm a long way from where I'd like to be but it gets a little better and working with the new people and being at these kind of meetings and sharing and going around and meeting everybody you lose some I lost some of that self-centredness I sure found out I was not the only drunk in the world I thought I was nobody else had my problems I lost that altogether when I got here. In fact, I've met very few people whose problems I would prefer rather than my own. I got more comfortable with my own little problems. Some people come in here with much bigger problems than I ever had. And I've learned to trust my judgment. I don't know how intuitive I am, but I've known how to trust myself. I've learnt to trust My Judgment. I've learned that there are principles in this program and that if I follow them it isn't so often that I make a mistake of the kind I used to make it isn'T so often I make a mistake in dealing with other people because now I don't have to lie to them all the time and if you don't lie to people and you tell them what's going on and you're telling the truth as you understand it you usually can work a deal. And you develop, I develop, and you get a certain reputation for it. People in my business know now that if I tell them I will do something, I'll do it. Or I'll try to do it, if it can be done, I'll go. That was not so when I was drinking. And in my own business, reputation is a great thing. I got a phone call today from New York from the school that fired me. Same school that invited me back last spring to give my daughter her degree. Same school that rehired me after I'd been sober a long time. And they called me today and they asked me to serve as an honorary trustee of a new foundation that they're starting and to come up there in December and come to a lunch they're giving. and they read me off the list of the names of the people that were going to serve on this thing. Very credible bunch, very credible bunch. A couple of ex-governors and senators and your trusted servant. I don't know how you know that happens. Nobody told me about that when I started to make amends. I just thought I was trying to get things even. I thought I Was just trying to sort of take the zig out of my zag so I wouldn't be zigging and zagging around that courthouse or hiding behind trees or parked automobiles in the little town where I lived, you know. Or not being able to answer the phone or open the mail, that kind of stuff. I thought I was just going to do that. How did I know? So you get a little better and a little bit better and then about 20 years go by and become simply wonderful. Nobody told me about that. And now I can really tell you that each one of these promises has come into my life. Every single one of them. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But I had to work for them. I had make my amends. I had do what I was told. I had follow the instructions of my sponsor. I had accept responsibility for what I had done. I couldn't rationalize anymore. It was always them. It was never my fault. I didn't do it. I sounded like my kid. Who left the back of the driveway? I didn' t do it! I did it it was me I had to do it and of course one of the greatest benefits of all is not all is the honor and the glory and all that stuff that I get but I'm not isolated anymore I am not isolated anymore I am part of the first word of this program I'm part of the we I belong here I'm a member here I'm supposed to be here and I'm comfortable here and I have you here so if you're at this stage and you've made your list see your sponsor make the recommends to all the people you have harmed except when to do so it'll injure them or others that's not an out that doesn't get you out that just requires a little prudence and go talk to your sponsor before you go running around renegotiating with Mildred you understand? now if you can do all of those things then you've done the ninth step thank you Thank you.