Resentment Inventory and the Third Column – Herb K – Workshop – Part 25 of 25 – Herb

Good afternoon for me. Good morning for most of you. My name is Herb and I'm an alcoholic, and it's really glad to be back on the call. Missed you guys. Please join me in the prayer for an open mind and an open heart, our commitment as expressed in this prayer god please set aside everything that i think i know about myself my brokenness my spiritual path and you for an open mind and a new experience of myself my brokeness my spiritual part and especially you this call is being recorded please take a moment to just send to yourself in the presence of whatever it is you're in the presence of in terms of your higher power Please join me in the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serentity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can and wisdom to know the difference. as a reminder the call is being recorded. My notes at least tell me that we've been looking at resentment inventory, making a list of resentments. Bill suggests people, institutions and principles. My experience is it's been very productive for people and institutions. Not so much with regard to principles, at least that's just my experience. You may have a different one. But certainly if this is your first time or even your second time doing inventory through the big book I would focus on people and then perhaps on institutions if you have a legitimate resentment let's take a look at the word what does it mean well literally the word comes from the Latin sentire s-e-n-t-i-r-e which means to feel and when you put an re in front of it it just means again and again and again I feel it I feel I'd feel it deeply well what am i feeling bills term resentment is used in the context that its anger your reaction of anger to circumstances or people or life in general or maybe even yourself bill acknowledges that resentment for yourself is a legitimate resentment to be looked at in this work we haven't looked at it specifically I may have referenced the indication in the big book on page 66 but it says sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves my interpretation is that that's a very legitimate resentment and there are many people in my on-the-ground workshops that have this self-loathing this judgmental negativity about themselves and their history and I think you know put yourself on the list if in fact you have a legitimate feeling negative anger about yourself but normally when I'm talking certainly to a group of alcoholics I'm saying gosh you know you've always made yourself first so perhaps how about putting that last on the list we'll take a look at it once you get some skill at analyzing your resentments at least in the way that i've been taught to analyze my resentments get some skills in doing it with people and institutions third parties objective in that sense they're not you before you begin to do a subjective analysis of your own anger for yourself I think it's makes it a lot easier for yourself so Bill has indicated that first column and its exemplified modeled on page 65 of the big book there's sort of a matrix there on the left-hand side you can see the names that are listed this I think four names and then in the what I call the second column it's not named the second Column in fact let's be precise I'll just take a look at it on page 65 it says the cause so in the instructions Bill says you make a list of the people institutions and principles and then you ask yourself why are you angry that's the instruction on page 64 we listed whom we were angry we asked ourselves why we were angry those are pretty easy and sometimes you actually even kind of enjoyable or fun until we really realize the level of negativity that we have in the anger that we haven't the energy that we're expending on it and then there's maybe some sadness or some additional anger and so we take a look at page 65 and we can see that this is not a therapeutic cathartic approach to inventory it's an analytical approach what is the cause very succinct This example is, I'm mad at Mr. Brown because of his attention to my wife. How succinct is that? Told my wife of my mistress. Here very different and succinct but still a piece of the anger as to why I'm angry at Mr Brown. Brown may get my job at the office. Three different qualitatively different and I'm encouraging you to use that as a model my experience with this is there were some very deep negative expensive anger that's actually even rage like with my father that needed to have some catharsis some therapeutic writing stream of consciousness and I recommend it if you have that that kind of overwhelming feeling from betrayal or hurt or whatever the reason whatever the reason literally that you journal meaning you write in stream-of-consciousness style and what I mean by that is that you write from the heart and gut directly through the arm do not process it through the thinking filter of the mind allow it to just stream out in a vomit written sort of upchuck of your emotions on the paper and don't be concerned about the lines and and the syntax and the sentence structure and the spelling no because it's merely to allow Mount Vesuvius to overflow unimpeded unfiltered that may be helpful to sort of get it out but once you've done that then take a look at it and try to be succinct in constructing your second column I was angry with my father because he was an alcoholic got drunk and didn't bring the paycheck home therefore we were poor on a regular basis i was angry with my father because he beat my sister i was angry with my father because he disrespected verbally and emotionally regularly my mother i was angry with my father because he never showed up for any one of my sporting events you hear the succinctness of it and you can hear the variety of it. And it went on. I made a long list in the early days my very first journey through the steps. I was just asked to put it all down whatever the feeling was. I've learned since in my own work and with work with my workshops both on the ground and on the phone that once you have three or five entries on the same person it's gonna be pretty sufficient it's not necessary that you have more than one if you have only one reason to be angry at somebody you only have one you don't need to have another you have what you have but if you have more than three let's just use that number arbitrarily all right those are the three that we'll work with now if you have like i did a through z on my father a lot of times fathers and mothers and partners and ex-partners have a long list make the list allow it to flow out that's part of I believe the therapeutic treatment here is to name it to acknowledge it this did happen we're not in fantasy and even if we're in fantasy this is our perception and it's real for us even though it's not real don't be concerned about that if it comes to you it's a gift of the prayer of set aside receive it don't filter it in terms of the first column and with regard to the second column once you've made a list of maybe ten in your first column maybe twenty if you don't have five then don't try to make it up if you have 10 there's no reason to have 10 if you don't have 20 there's no reason to have to have what you have but if you have more than 20 allow it to be in the list column 1 and column 2 and then once you finish column 1 & column 2 whatever is that you have whatever number that you had it's your number there's no there's indication in the big book as to the limit the minimums or the maximums you have what you have don't monitor it at this stage don't filter it at the stage but don't exaggerate it either now we're entering into the third column I believe that you've had some opportunity to do column 1 and column 2 some of you have may have gone further and looked at the column 3 instructions and read my book in the chapter 4 on inventory and looked at my commentary and my experience explanation of column 3 and maybe even column 4 that's fine you may have listened to the recordings I really encourage you to listen to the recordings on column three on the website it's almost mandatory for you to listen to it and to re-listen to it after you've read the big book after you've heard this discussion perhaps even after you have read the chapter in my book 12 steps to spiritual awakening if that's a choice that you're making listen to the recording and maybe more than once this is where you really need a step guide a buddy I could not do this on my own I did not even know it existed the way I'm about to present it the man who took me through the steps the first time in 1988 did not give me what I'm about to give to you he just looked at page 65 and he saw a whole list of words that are in the two columns following what I've read up till now and I'm going to read it now these two paragraphs with regard to column three what I call column three it's it's entitled affects my on page 65 it's not referred to as column three. But clearly you can see there's column one, column two, column three by observation not by nomenclature. And I'm just trying to be really clear because I'm a big book fundamentalist and literalist and I don't want to confuse anybody. So I try not to. In most cases now I'm reading from page 64. There There are two paragraphs that give some instruction, some direction with regard to how to do column three. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem is one of the words in column three. Our pocketbook another word, our ambitions another word. personal relationships another word including sex another word were hurt or threatened there's the verb I had a reaction because I felt hurt or threatened it was my reaction to circumstances or people that created resentment more about that later so we were sore a synonym for resentment We were burned up, another sin in them. Bill really wants us to get a sense of and a feel for what it is we're talking about here. We're not talking about momentary anger. That's a survival mechanism. At the biological, physiological level, fight, flight, freeze. Those are the three biological, physiological survival responses from our brain stem. The first of our three brains. That first development for biological survival. Fight. Anger. Resentment. Flight. Fear. Freeze. Camouflage. Hiding. secrets dishonesty pretty cool insight actually I got it from Bill Wilson who in the 12 and 12 in chapter 4 on inventory uses a very different model 20 years after he gets sober 15 years after you writes the big book he writes the twelve and twelve he's been under the tutelage the mentorship of a jesuit priest father at dowling and he calls the origins of the problems that we're looking at in inventory instincts gone awry that connects me to my understanding of biology physiology and even psychology fight flight and freeze i hope that helps you it certainly gave me a basis and an orientation with regard to really understanding this there's nothing wrong with fight it's survival there's nothing wrong with anger there's nothing wrong with fear it's about survival there is nothing about hiding that's wrong inherently it's about survival but it's the way at boomerang just the way we use it it's the way outgrow it and yet we don't outgrow it we continue these habits that we used originally for good purpose and they've become a boomerang. Instincts gone awry, they're misused. Then he, very unlike Bill, becomes somewhat redundant. Bill was a careful wordsmith writer, thoughtful, conscious never wanted to repeat himself never wanted to use the same word in consecutive sentences I've heard him interviewed on this so it's pretty important when he in fact is somewhat redundant uses almost some of the words in this next paragraph that used in the prior paragraph for me that's a signal that it's pretty important. He only does it a couple times and I'll point it out when he does it in the big book. On our grudge list, another synonym for resentment. We said opposite each name, column two, column one. Our injuries was it our self-esteem that's a repetition our security a new word our ambitions he's already used that word our personal use that word sex relations different combination different implication which had been interfered with hmm new verb so we have three words now we have a resentment that is our reaction to something we perceive outside of us as a threat it's a threat to our survival at least in our perception hurt threatened or interfered with then he says we're usually as definite as this example we've looked at column 1 and column 2 already but look at column 3 it is listed under affects my he just uses those words that he used in those prior two paragraphs interestingly enough next to self-esteem he puts fear next to self-esteem he puts fair next to selfish team he puts fear there's three of them next to Self esteem he put sphere there's four of them next to self-esteem he puts fear there's five of them and then right at the bottom he says pride that wasn't even in two paragraphs it's a brand new word and next to security the very last word he puts fair he changes it from the self-esteem pattern to connecting it to security I'm observing I have no idea why he did it that way and what he meant to communicate to us what I do know is that there's no definitions for those words none of those words in that column under FX my are there a definition yeah and he doesn't actually even tell us what to do with it the man in 1988 said match them up with columns one and two kind of like a checkbox I did that because I follow direction of course since it was brainless meaningless it had no impact but he didn't have a definition and I didn't know why I was connecting them I was just connecting them because I was told to and it seemed like I could do that and it had no meaning to me this next time I went through the steps the second full-time with a step guide 1991 this man gave me definitions and specific instructions this is relevant now to the worksheet in the way of life document entitled column tree which I'm going to take a look at and give it kind of a scan I'm assuming that you've already looked at it some of you have some experience with it some of you made an effort to complete it because it's intended to be able to understand because it has definitions and how to fill in the blanks some people have some success with it very few people are able to do it accurately the first time especially without any help I had to meet with this step guide in 1991 three different times to go over the very same example three different types the first I got it about half clear the second time I got into about 75% clear the third time I got it clear enough probably 95% or better then he said okay now go ahead ahead and do it meaning column three analysis it's an analysis it is looking deeply deeply underneath for our beliefs I didn't know it at the time but that's how it turned out to be penetrating the unconscious actually I am that's not hyperbole I'm quite capable of hyperbolem but that is not hyperbole meaning an exaggeration my experience and looking back over my shoulder is that this work this instrument of the third color allowed me to see my beliefs so I use a metaphor that my beliefs are like my lenses if I have blue lenses you all are going to be blue I won't know your blue because I'm looking through blue lenses and everything's blue. My beliefs are the lenses through which I look. I don't see reality as reality is, I see reality as I am. It's a projection. More about that later on as we get more sophisticated in this approach and in this analysis and more experienced. This third column instrument this worksheet allows me to take a look at through the lenses that I look through to see the lenses that are looking through I can see oh my lenses are blue no wonder my reality is blue or more practically I'm I'm looking through the lens of entitlement. No wonder I treat the world as if I'm entitled. I didn't know it, and I didn' t know that I didn t know it. And I wondered why I suffered because the world doesn't suffer people who are entitled. They retaliate in some aggressive or passive way. They suffer and I suffer. Because I don't see reality as reality is, I see it as I am entitled, special, unique, exempt. And as long as I'm operating in this delusional world, I'm going to be very unsuccessful in my relationships with reality. You may have to listen to this more than once. It's pretty tightly worded and it's very dense. I hope it's communicating clearly because it was transformative, absolutely transformative. The first time I went through the work as I mentioned I didn't get this instruction and there's more to come. I got the fourth column instruction. We'll talk about that later on the reverse side. excuse me later on in the way of life document there is what's called a fourth column which merely takes the last paragraph of the resentment inventory instructions on page 67 and makes a worksheet out of it with some other things that we'll talk about later that not they're not relevant now it would just confuse us but i wanted to kind of like at least give the context that there's a third column about my beliefs and then the fourth column comes out of the big book with five questions and some additional things that help us sort out what our motives are. Column three is about my beliefs conscious or unconscious doesn't make any difference they're the lenses through which I look. Colum four are my motives coming from the Latin movere what moves us again penetrating the unconscious I didn't know that I did it know that in fact I'm totally self-centered in fact in my case an extreme personality defect called narcissism irremediable diagnosable in step six you will see if you want to look ahead a little bit at the whole definition of personality disorder I put it in there to help people understand character defects personality defects defects of character and I also put in the nine characteristics of a narcissistic personality not because everybody is although I think that there is a taste of that in everybody and that's maybe why Bill says on page 62 that the human condition, the human condition not just the addicts condition is unmanageability that spiritual malady which is selfishness self-centeredness which is the root of the problem. Maybe it works for me it works from most of the people in the workshops that I've had exposure to over these last 23 24 years maybe not diagnosable in the psychiatric DSM as a personality disorder but certainly a flavor of the human condition it's a survival thing about my personal survival there's nothing wrong with survival in fact it's our primary primal instinct but then there's a distortion based on either genetics or family of origin or life experiences that creates personality disorders of some magnitude measurable and describable in the DSM. Just as an aside and a minor PS note, my own therapist said it's irreversible and not treatable by therapy or by medication. Yeah 1990 I was having therapy dealing with my own personality problems, and the problems that created for other people. At the same time I've done this work so I'm very open to taking responsibility and knowing that there is a spiritual solution and be involved with the spiritual solution 10, 11 and 12. And I said how bad am I? He said on a scale of one to ten probably a seven and a half. put tens in prison well thank you ten years later dr. Berger who was my therapist at the time and I became partners in doing workshops on emotional sobriety I was no longer his client and so I said so what's your assessment today ten years later he said probably a two-and-a-half he said and narcissism is irremediable not treatable by therapy or medication but it apparently is modifiable by a spiritual life whatever it is that you've incorporated as your 12-step practice he's in 12 step program also so he understood and could speak the language you never get over it but you it it because of my relationship with the spiritual life and this spirit the spirit has rounded off the edges that's my image of the wind spirit spiros breath of god coming in and rounding off the edge is like sandpaper I still have edges as some of you know and so it says we went back through our lives nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty we take a look at the third column this is what it looks like I'm not sure that you can see that on it but at the top it says column 3 from the and it has on the left hand side if you have it in front of you it would be helpful for your later on it has those seven words that are in the column three in the big book page 65 self-esteem pride ambition security personal relations sex relations and pocketbook just as a clarification although the word is sex here this man said i don't believe that it's about genital sex because there's a whole inventory the third piece of the step four inventory the first piece is resentment the second piece is fear the third peace is about sex he says i don t believe bill would be that redundant that this would refer to so he gave me a definition as to gender what is my belief about gender male and female father and son husband and wife relationships of male and what is My Belief more about that later but you can see that on this worksheet there is a definition for each of the words right next to the word the words are in bold because they're in the big book the other words are all interpretation I call it the expanded third column what is my deep belief about who I am not who I think I am it's not who I want to be. What is my belief? And it starts off with a prompter. Look at the prompters and follow the worksheet. Try to be as literal as possible with the worksheet, you probably will need help from a sponsor or step guide assuming that they've actually been acquainted with this worksheet. This is not broadly used in the 12-step culture. It's been introduced by me and some other people who have had similar training as I have, and it's just so effective that's why I continue to use it. I think it's in the spirit of big book fundamental literalist because I'm pretty confident Bill would want us to know what the words mean and how to apply them. And that's what this does. A definition for each of the words, and a prompter to invite us. Pride is not the pride of the seven capital sins. It's a very unique definition. How do I want other people to see me being treated by the person with whom I have the resentment and so this man made it really simply so use your imagination put yourself and the person with whom you have a resentment on a stage have an audience that's looking a relevant audience how do you want the audience to see this person treating you So going back to self-esteem, what is my deep belief about who I am? What's my resentment? Let's just assume Bob. It's an example I've used from the beginning because it's so clear and it's from my history and it was pretty dramatic. Bob was a peer in my work and my career. He had the same amount of time he was also a senior vice president but he wanted me fired because of my shenanigans as I was drinking I wasn't drinking for the last four years but I had accumulated a history of wreckage and he didn't see any change in me cuz quite frankly there was no change at this point and I hated him for it I have a resentment toward Bob because I'm a special gift to my employer I'm the best employee and sales manager that there is notice on the right hand side there's a column for each one of the words now we've expanded it beyond what the big book shows the big but only connects us to two of the seven words this man said let's try it as a ability for a nuance of each word my fear is I'm not as good as I think I am first time I had that crack in my consciousness of doubt it was the beginning of the curtain being pulled back so that I could see the truth rather than seeing the false mask the persona the Hollywood storefront that I had built behind which I hid pride how do do I want the people in the audience my co-workers to see Bob treating me I wanted them to see him treating me with respect this man said is that all you want herb is respect I said well wow I would really like deference when I walk into a room he should stand he should back up he should bow now you're getting it exaggerate step out of the box step out of the ordinary be ridiculous stretch it to see if in fact what are the other limits of your beliefs that's a suggestion to you ambition very straightforward what do I want I want to run the office my fear is I won't get the job security what do i need I need to run the office. My fear is, I won' and I'll have a local boss to monitor my behavior and I won't measure up personal relations in the work environment I expect people to respect me and honor me if I walk into a room I want them to stand the men to bow and the women to curtsy I this is the 21st century and I apologize to you women out there but this is who i was in 1988. i mean literally so demented a product of my culture but that's not an excuse a product of my narcissism but that s not an ex- excuse i was embarrassed what is my fear that i will be embarrassed publicly sex relations not about sex but about gender males in the workplace walk hand-in-hand arm-in arm to solve problems what's my fear that they're backstabbing leg-cutting undermining SLBs like I am because that's who I was at that time I wanted to get what I wanted and if you got hurt that was collateral damage and it was none of my business the law of survival of the fittest no I embraced it how about real women in the workplace 1988 second-class citizens subordinate to men there to do the tasks that we don't want to do and other mischief as you can well imagine my fear is of being publicly embarrassed by women pocketbook it's not necessarily about money although this was about money I was being considered to run the office so there was some money involved but it was also about power and prestige if there's no money involved what's the effect of value nobody should get in the way of my getting what I want 100% nobody no one no one what is my fear everyone's in my way that's a shorthand sort kind of description of the worksheet I recommend that you do three that will explore three different ones one on one resentment a resentment on a second person or circumstance or institution and the first resentment that you have on them and then the third one so that you don't get bogged down in any type of robotic thinking or habit of feeling rut if you have more than 20 resentments limited your list to the top 20 quite frankly I'd be even selective down to ten and in the ten under each one no more than three so that you might have ten resentments people and institutions and under each you might a maximum of three because you'll be doing a worksheet if in fact you follow direction you'll be doing one worksheet on each resentment dad got drunk and didn't and didn' bring home the money that's one resentment dad beat my sister that's another resentment dad didn't come to any of my sporting events that's a third resentment they're qualitatively different and there will be a different dynamic but you'll see that once you do one two or three that you probably don't need to do anymore because the dynamic is going to be there, the pattern is going to be. So I'm helping you shape the work so that you can in fact manage it. Some people have 50 and 100 different institutions and people. I understand that. You do 10 maximum 20 your choice I'm not telling you what to do I'm just making a suggestion and you'll see that there's a pattern and a discovery that emerges that will become rather redundant and why is that why do things become redundant after two or three or four analysis who's the central character of your resentments oh I am yeah how many variations on the theme can there be yeah right it's limited it'll just be variations the names and the places and the events will all change but underneath the underneath the underneath the motives and the beliefs will not change there'd be some variations on a theme but you'll see the patterns and in knowing the patterns then you can have an opportunity then to change all right so it's time we do have to end now thank you so much for sharing with us let's close with the serenity prayer God grant me the serendipity to accept the things that cannot change the courage to change the things I can't visit to know the difference I'm so glad to be back you guys were just great today thank you