Step 4 Inventory and Prayer for Resentments – 2024 Prayers & Promises Workshop – Part 5 of 7 – Jimmy A.

thank you you ever have an annoying sponsee couple couple man is it bright up here do I look bald I hope not all right buddy I'm Jimmy I'm an alcoholic, grateful to be alive and sober and it's always been customary where I come from to let you know that I have a home group. It's called a Design for Living Group on the Jersey Shore. I have sponsor, I have service sponsor, apparently I need a lot of adult supervision, get a lot of sponsees and most importantly I've been sober since my first meeting of Alcoholics synonymous and that was on March 28 1987 so thank you extremely grateful for this way of life and and to be with my friends and my wife and Peter and Chris and Marion and I'd like to really thank Raquel for the invitation and really like to thank more importantly districts 208, 209 and 211 because as I talk about later on maybe in step 12 when I come back up the most important place in Alcoholics Anonymous is in our districts that's ground zero and that's what I believe this is where we carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers and you know we get involved in going to treatment centers and detoxes and jails and we go out to see the doctors and the priest and you know all that stuff so that's really important because right now I could tell you right now I know right now there's somebody in Syosset New York sucking on a bottle of whiskey right now not knowing that there's a bunch of people in here that have a solution to him his or her problem so you know so I know how important that is I never spoke on a topic like this before in my life believe it or not 37 years of sobriety I mean it's yes we talk about prayers we But to put it into a context where we, you know, talk about it, I guess that's the... I'm still hooked up on Chris's LSD story. So somebody yell out to me later on, Jimmy, LSD, because I want to tell you a story too about that. And I don't want to forget that because it was really a great day. but anyway so my plan here is to tell you a little bit about me and then I want to share a real life experience with an inventory because I am talking about four and five a real-life experience that happened to me where prayers really became important but more importantly I wish it was a word between prayer and promise and that's action because as we know faith without works is dead but prayer without action is dead also you know I could pray to the high heaven to be an honest guy but unless I really practice that behavior or that trait chances are I won't be a promise an honest guide so I grew up not too far from here Jersey City New Jersey you know I grew in a very blue-collar neighborhood I grew I'm 66 years old I grew up in a time when you know it's just a really tough neighborhood I was born perfect I was quickly handed over to these two car defects called mom and dad. I mean, you know, I make a joke out of that because the truth of the matter is nothing's my fault, right? Uh, I got to blame somebody for the way I feel. And obviously my parents were the first ones out of the gate. And, uh, you Know, all my parents ever really tried to do for me was, uh You know, give me morals, values, good education. And basically what I did was I rolled all that goodness up into a ball and I stuffed it right down their throats, you Now, when I introduced my parents to a way of life that they never even knew existed you know and and growing up it when I grew up you know in this neighborhood like the only requirement for membership in a neighborhood was five or more kids I mean so there was always something going on you know there's always a party there was always a birthday christening graduation you name it it was going on and the thing that was at every event that I that I well everything that was going on in neighborhood everything that was going on was King alcohol right and we hear this term quite often is that alcoholism is a disease of perception and you know as a young kid six seven eight years old the way I looked at alcohol is I equated alcohol to fun right I look at my old man I look my brothers that look at the neighbors it seems like they you know we're in life like a loose garment they seem to be having a good time partying having fun you know laughs jokes all that kind of stuff you know I equate alcoholism or alcohol to freedom it just seems like everyone just let everything down right there was no stress there was no pressure we're gathered together we're drinking we're having a good old day you know but I'm growing up in this house and I got this guy called dad cunning baffling powerful Peter says that all the time but we have the same father out of the same mold out of that same generation my dad would have been 98 years old you know my dad never sat me down talked about what he felt like he never talked about emotions and we never had a fireside chat. We never talked about the birds and the bees. My dad was a great provider, but he was a lunatic. And I don't say that disparagingly. I just say that because my dad was a guy that was just wound up tight. He was a World War vet. He had probably PTSD if we looked at it today. He was an angry guy, very angry guy. But I would watch the magic, the magic that has happened to everyone in this room. He took that first drink. You know, and every night at five o'clock, my mom would make these two things called martinis and Manhattans. And you know, my dad would take that first drink and he became a different guy. He became a guy that, you know had a few jokes, became a guy that won't have a catch in the backyard. He just became a different person like many of us. But don't let me fool you, there were those days. In those days it looked something like this. My old man would take that first shrink and all sudden the plates would be flying across the kitchen. The kitchen chairs would be flyin' across the kitchen, you You know, if you grabbed one of us young kids, we'd be flying across the kitchen, you know. So a lot of nights or a lot of days at 5 o'clock in my house, me and my two brothers and two sisters would be under the covers waiting for a tornado to blow through the house. And then we would come out. What's the matter here, Mom? The wind stopped blowing. We wouldn't talk about anything. We'd walk out in that living room, we would walk out in that kitchen, and nothing was ever discussed in my home. Now none of that makes me an alcoholic. It makes me a kid that grows up with a tremendous amount of fear. Fear of loud noises, fear of people yelling, fear of banging doors, fear violence, fear, fear, the evil and corroding threat. I'm a guy that wakes up, grows up, with a a tremendous amount of insecurity about myself, inadequacies about myself. It's a common theme, I think, from every podium I've ever heard someone speak from. What I am is not good enough, right? And where this comes from, I have no idea. I think that's one of the components of just alcoholism. Because as we know, alcoholism doesn't come in a bottle. It comes in my mind and my mind is filled with a lot of delusions about a lot of things. And one of the delusions is I'm not good enough and it's everyone else's fault why I'm that good enough. I'm a kid that's walking around a lot of secrets. See, if you're like me and you come from my house and you come from our neighborhood, you don't talk about what's going on. You're not allowed to talk about what's going on in your house, your neighborhood, or anything. You're a snitch. So from a young age I learned how to internalize my emotions. I learned how to push this stuff down. I learn how to push that fear down. And I learned how to put those secrets, they're not coming out. They're not gonna see the light of day. So when I get to four and five, I'm gonna have problems because I'm gonna have to talk eventually about things that are going on in my life. But what happens to me is at the age of 13 years old, I find myself in a cemetery and it's my first time drinking. Here comes that first bottle. It's Colt 45 malt liquor. I put my hand in there. I start drinking on that Colt 35. I grabbed the neck of that bottle with so much fear because I don't know what's going to happen to me. I grab that bottle, the second bottle, Mohawk blackberry brandy, and I start drinkin' on that blackberry brandy first night drinking blacked out puke purple falling beat the hell out of me and my mother grounded me for life but the hook was in like marion said i found that magic elixir the thing that just settled down this thing whatever this thing is inside of me it just made me at ease taking those few drinks hanging with the boys doing what we do and what i didn't realize is i just stepped on the path for the next 16 years of my life that went to straight to pitiful incomprehensible demoralization. And if you knew and you don't know what that means, that means health. Because over the next 16 years of my life, drinking became progressive and my behaviors became progressive. And I was a street guy from the get-go. I'm a tough guy from The Streets. That's how I used to think about myself. And i started to do a lot of illegal stuff, a lot of crime, a lotta this, a latter that. But more importantly, as I drank, my life got worse, worse, and worse. And after 16 years, I find myself completely homeless on the streets of northern New Jersey, lower Manhattan, and full-blown alcoholic. And I don't think so. Right? And I'm not going to bore you with my story, but at the end of the rope, what happened to me was I'm living on the street. And my intention was never to live on the trees. I remember Peter saying a long time ago, you know, one night on the tree is just one night too many for anyone. And My plan wasn't to be on the streets. My plan was, you know, I got married to this woman. I was under the delusion that if I just get married, everything is going to be okay because I see everyone else in the neighborhood trying to, you now, get a house, get a career, get kids, all that stuff. I don't understand something about me. I can't take the first drink. I don' t understand that the first thing gets me loaded, right? And even when I come into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I hear you guys talk about the first string gets you loaded, I'm like, that's ridiculous. I think it's the last 20. I think it's the outside issues, I think it's all that stuff. I have no idea about that first drink concept that Chris talked about. But here I am, you know, I walk into a marriage thinking that this will solve my problem and I don't think drinking is the problem, I just think my life is dash unmanageable. My life is unmanangeable. A blind man can see that. Right? So I walk into this marriage and four months into this marriage I walk out of this marriage because I have the inability not to take that first drink. And I take off a Boca Raton, Florida, where I have friends down there. And I'm in this million-dollar condo, and, you know, I'm looking out. I can see the beach. I can sea the bikinis. I can seethe boats. It looks like everything a man would want. I'm a prisoner of this condo. And I get that knock at the door that we all get, the four horsemen of terror, frustration, bewilderment, despair. But you see, I am at this point in my drink where I just need to crack the seal of the bottle of Johnny Walker Red. And I don't even need to take that first drink yet because I'm at this part of my life where I know that once I do take that drink, that grandiosity is going to come back. And when I take that Drink, guess what? It's your fault. It's her fault. It's their fault. I've got a list from here to the back wall of all the reasons why it's not my fault. And I eventually come back to Jersey and that's when I decide because I'm riddled with shame. You see, somewhere along the lines, God cracked my skull open and he put this chalkboard in my head. And on this chalk board there was these three emotions of shame, guilt, and remorse. And it seems to me everything I've done up to my life, I'm 29 years old, has been shame-based. The shame of not being a good, the shame of failing out of college, shame of walking out of marriage, shame, shame, shameful, shame, most alcoholics have shame- based identities. I'm riddled with the guilt, the remorse, the things I'm doing. I'm getting locked up left and right. I'm hurting people that really care about me. But when I come back to Jersey, I'm too afraid to face them, so I make a decision. And the decision again was just to stay out on the streets for a couple of nights. Little did I know that one month would pass, two months would pass six months would pass and before you know it's about 18-19 months I'm still living on the streets doing all the deplorable things we do when we're on the street. Incomprehensible demoralization. Pitiful. Panhandling, stealing, doing all the things we'd do. Selling my blood everything for a drink. What happens to me as I walk into a bar and I see this old guy that I know from the neighborhood he goes hey Jimmy they're hiring guys like you Newark Airport go to Newark airport they're firing guys like you finally I always wanted to be a pilot but I didn't know it was I really didn't know it's that easy I mean just live on the streets and go to the airport but back in the day there was an airline called People's Express and they'd hire guys like us And the idea of the job was to take the luggage that's over there and hopefully get it on the plane over there. I segue here, and I'll just let you know that if anyone in here has flew through Newark Airport in the 80s and you're still waiting for your luggage, I can make amends after this talk. The interview process was like this. Hey, can you lift the suitcase? Yeah, okay, you're hired. I mean, they were desperate back then. And me and two guys, we robbed a car the next day and we went out to Newark airport. all three of us are sober over 37 years now. It's a miracle, it's a promise. Thank you. We went into Newark airport and you could just imagine the amount of people and everything going on, the hustle and bustle of that. We walk in this room we're all I'm living on the streets they didn't care. It was kind of crazy when I think back of that and the guy goes just go sit outside and I sit down in a chair like this and for years I could never tell you how I felt until I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and eventually opened up that blue book and turned to page eight when Bill tells us about his first step experience and really words that he puts to all our first step experience when he says no words can tell the loneliness and despair I felt in a bitter morass of self-pity quicksand stretched around me in all directions I met my match alcohol was my master 29 years old sitting in the chair with the wind blowing through my soul. I think I have a drinking problem. Way to last to find out all the time. And all of a sudden, a complete stranger sat right next to me. After a couple of minutes, that stranger looked at me and said, hey, what's your problem? Now people weren't asking me how my 401k was doing or that new Porsche I just bought, you know. I was getting questions like that. What's wrong with you? What's your problem? And I spit my life story up on this stranger. And he looked at me and said, I have the answer for you. I said, what's that? He goes, where do you live? I said wherever I can put my head down. Now yes young people in here there was a time when we didn't have cell phones or beepers and this gentleman pulled out a piece of paper and he wrote down his street. He goes you know where this is? I says yeah that's my old neighborhood. Then he asked me a very strange question. He says is it possible for you not to take a drink the rest of this day and I was honest with him. I says I want to drink right now. It's like 10 o'clock in the morning. he goes try not to drink and be in front of this address at seven o'clock tonight and he put down a number in front of that street all I could say is but for the grace of God at seven o' clock that night standing at 153 Linden Avenue in Jersey City, New Jersey I got Roger I brought Roger past that spot and I pointed to that cement block that I stood on knees are knocking stomach is churning the head's talking to me a million miles an hour I'm mocus that's an old AA term, mocus. Now I don't know what mocus means but I was definitely mocus in that moment and 1979 Chevy Impala pulled up and a stranger pulled up with a bunch of other strangers in that car and they rolled down the window, yes we used to have to roll down the window, and they roll down the window and they said the most spiritual thing you'll ever hear in Alcoholics Anonymous, get in the car. And I got in the call these gentlemen and so me to my grammar school right around the corner less than 500 yards away. For years I thought it was bingo, who knew it was AA? You know I was kind of surprised at that but I didn't know what AA was anyway at that point and they walked me into my first meeting on March 28 1987 and I've been here ever since and walking into Grace doesn't feel like walking into grace felt like I was walking out of complete chaos. I had no idea what was going to happen to me. I didn't understand the enormity of what we do in here. You know, all I know is these guys said come and I followed. God was directing that whole play and I didnít even see it in a moment. And Iíll never forget walking down those stairs and I was having all these thoughts of grammar school. I donít know why. Probably because in grammar school I did have goals, dreams, and aspirations like everyone in this room right now. I wanted to be somebody. I want to do something. I I didn't want to be a union worker like everyone else, even though I became a union worker. I wanted something. And though I don't know what that is, I wanted it. But at the age of 13, my parents did something to me that really changed the course of my life. And I think we all have that in our life. There's a moment. Whether it's a big deal or a little deal. Maybe this is a little detail. But my parents took me out of the public school system where I felt secure, where I felt okay, where i had friends, where we played ball in a courtyard. We did all those things. And he wanted something better for me, but I didn't see it that way. They put me into a Catholic school system on the other side of town where I knew nobody. And to talk about a square peg in a round hole, you know, I go in there and I don't know no one. And this insecurity, this fear, everything I felt when I was six, seven, eight years old is... And then I meet another cunning, baffling, powerful person. We call them nuns in the Catholic schools. And, you Know, they're a breed of their own, you Now, back then anyway. So, you know, so I'm walking past that cafeteria and I can remember. I'm 13 years old and I'm drinking already. Drinking already at 13 years old. I remember walking down the end of that hall and I could smell coffee in the air. That's being very generous. You have to be old to let you know what I'm going to tell you right now. Back in the AA world, back in those days, we used to drink a thing called Sanka. We got some Sanka drink? Yeah, that was something the astronauts drank on the moon with Tang. But for the sake of the story, it was coffee. And that's when I met the most important person in Alcoholics Anonymous. We call him the greeter. And that gentleman put his hand out to me and I grabbed that flimsy reading and he pulled me into you. And today I know that was the loving and powerful hand of God. and my journey starts in alcoholics anonymous and i'm not going to go through all that but you know what i got back with that life i walked out on i uh you know i we had two little a8 kids i call them they're now 34 31 years old i got a union job i bounced back really fast with my health and all my i had to do a lot of therapy i had a lot to do things to get back but more importantly i was going to aa or every night i had whole bunch of young guys that i was hanging out with it was It was a young person's meeting. I was 29 years old. I was the youngest guy in the group. It was like bizarre. We have like 12-year-olds showing up in my home group now, you know? But that's the way it was back in the 80s, you know? And, you know, and I'm doing everything, you know? And I got this new, I got a great job. I don't even know how I pulled that off. I think I had a hook with somebody. But anyway, you know, I got a house. I had a bank account. I had money in my pocket. And to the untrained eye, it looks like normal living is the solution to alcoholism. But at five years without a drink, I got a rope. I just need a bridge to jump off because I'm dying in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, dying from something. I don't even know what it is. I don' t even understand what it i s. It's untreated alcoholism. Living under the delusion that abstinence is the solution to a spiritual malady. That if I just don't drink, Im going to be okay. Now God bless those guys I got around with in the beginning. They were old. They were very old. They were like 45 years old. and I used to joke around saying they didn't know the difference between a phone book and a big book but the truth of the matter is those guys were on my porch no matter what. When I came into AA they put me up in a motel for a week. They went out and they bought me sneakers and shirts and jeans and stuff like that. They fed me. They did the kindness of strangers. They didn't have to do any of that but they knew that their life depended upon helping a drunk like me and that's really our basic service one drunk helping another but here I am I'm five years sober and I'm dying in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and uh I'm at a podium one night and I'm lying to every one of you I'm why because I'm I'm afraid of what you think of me so I'll joke around I'll make you know I'll pick out lines I'm supposed to be speaking on step two I'm talking about a God that I have no relationship with and and at the end of the meeting you know everyone's shaking my hand thank you thank you thank you and a guy walks up to me I'm six foot four he's six foot five looks at me eyeball to eyeball and says to me you're screwed in a little bit salty language and I want to start a fist fight in the rooms of AA because I don't know how to face confrontation without violence I don'T know how TO face resistance without resistance but I take a step back and I look at this man in his eyes and I said you're right I need help and I find myself in a railroad room apartment that next day and I'm getting a spiritual test. Maybe a test that some of you guys have gotten. The first question he asked me is, how long can you hold your breath? How long can you be in a 12-step program and not work the 12 steps? What does your relationship with God look like? Well, I believe in God. I'm a Catholic. I guess I believe en God, but what does God have to do with any of this? What makes you alcoholic? The best I could stammer out of my mouth in that moment was, I drink too much. No idea about what Chris talked about, the physical allergy, the mental obsession. I had no idea about it. I had a question about what I was up against. Then he asked me a question that a lot of you guys might not believe, but this is the way it was in my neighborhood back then. He said, where's your big book? And I looked at him and said, what's a big book. And I'm sure they were on the podium. By the way, I'm glad the four judges didn't show up tonight. That's not a good thing when they do. Might be in here, but I don't know about there. but we didn't read the book back then it wasn't until Joe and Charlie came through to the northeast in Harlem, New York specifically in 1991 and everybody got lathered up and crazy and off we go with using a book as a weapon sometimes but we all get in that militant stage I did, I know I did so what happens to me is I'm sitting with this guy and he's talking to me about the two goals of Alcoholics Anonymous that he believed in at the time. Kind of two goals that I believe in today. First goal is this, the obvious one. Don't pick up the first drink. But the second goal is the goal we all want to attain, and that's to step into the sunlight of the Spirit. That place. That place out there. You know, you look out the window, it's a beautiful sunny day, but if I took all these chairs and I put them against the door, We would have to take actions to get outside, right? And what is that place, the sunlight of the Spirit, right, a place where the bondage of self gets removed, a place with its freedom, a place were we experience all the promises that are in our literature. Bill Wilson calls it utopia, a perfect place. But in order to get out there, I got to walk through the darkness of my life to get there. My sponsor likes to say today, you know, you can't grow spiritually and avoid your problems. You've got to face your problems I have a lot of problems I have real a lot of problems. You see I'm five years sober and alcohol looks anonymous but I still got that eight year old fear and insecurities and more importantly I got secrets I got things going on inside of me that I am not telling you and I live by the code of the street tough guys don't talk about how they feel real men are strong I mean, I got so many old ideas about what a man is, and they're all a lie. But I believe them in this moment. And so what he tells me is, you know, Jimmy, in order to get out there, we've got to go through this stuff. And like I sit at my kitchen table at my home on New Jersey Shore, you Know, I got this glass door at the end of my hallway, and I tell every guy I've ever sponsored, there's the goal line. All we need to do is walk into the darkness of your life and to uncover, discover, and discard the things that are blocking you from God and blocking you from each other. Next Wednesday, if you do read Daily Reflections, pay attention to what the reading says because to me it's one of the most important readings we have in Alcoholics Anonymous. And on May 1st, it's going to talk about healing the heart and the mind. And there's a line in here that I read a million and one times. I should know it by now, but I think God just wants me to continue to read it off this piece of paper. But it says, It's a side of myself that I refuse to look at that rules me. I must be willing to look at the dark side in order to heal my mind and my heart because that's the road to freedom. I must walk into darkness to find the light and walk into fear to find peace. The way the old timers used to say that was like this, AA is like a big bonfire. A lot of people are walking around the fire, but eventually the fire is going to go out. But if you really want to grow, if you really want an experience with God if you're really wanting to be free and to step out into the sunlight of the spirit you've got to walk through the fire and get your ass burnt and feel the uncomfortability of change you're welcome one thing I can't do for anyone in this room right now None of you could do it for me, and none of you can do it for each other, and that's put willingness inside you. Willingness is an inside job, and what makes us willing? Circumstances, being sick and tired of being sick and tired, or as my good friend Ralph likes to say, a good whooped ass, and I was willing to go in. I was going to go into the darkness and start doing what we're talking about here, inventory, and uncover, discover, and discard the things that are blocking me from God, And I was willing to go in and bring the walls down. And I don't know what your walls are, but I'll tell you about my walls. I got the walls of blame. It's everyone's fault for the way I feel. I got walls of alibi and excuses, right? I got wall of anger and rage and fear and remorse and guilt and shame and we've got a million and one adjectives that Bill puts in our literature. I'm restless, I'm irritable, I am discontent but I'm willing to going in and take a look because I'm dying in the rooms of alcoholics and anonymous without a drink in my system. And the first time I went through the book, you know, I sat with this guy Bill Grace from St. Paul, Minnesota, the same place my sponsor comes from today, ironically. And he's talking about these two goals, but what he did on this particular day, overlooking Manhattan from the Jersey side right on the Hudson River as he painted me into a corner so far that I had no choice but to take one of those two alternatives, spiritual life, spiritual death. and I was willing to try this spiritual life even though I don't understand what this is all about. So that decision that we make in the third step, a decision to what? Work the rest of the steps? What? A decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God? I like to say it's a decision to walk into the darkness. To look at these things that I've never looked at and to share these things with another man and to do something I thought was a weakness in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous more importantly, a weakness on the streets. I had to become vulnerable. Little did I know that strengthened this guy's because when I let another man into my life, I was able to talk to this guy on a level that I've never talked to any man in my life at the age of 29 years old. At this point, what am I saying? 32 years old, I'm still walking around with this. Old timers used to say that alcoholism is nothing more than a soul sickness caused by a separation from God and a disconnect from each other i got so much blockage here the channel is not clear i gotta get this inventory done and i go through this inventory my life gets unbelievable i start to look at things i never looked at before i sought to share this stuff i had the most powerful experience in my first original fifth step i've done many since but that first original fit step and i'll talk about that a little bit but i'm going to tell you about in this time Because I do want to get to the prayers and promises because I took the effort to look up the prayers in her promises We were like three of us like kindergarten, like what are we doing? Like but I'm got this the route. I'm going So And I asked my wife permission on this one, which is very important my wife Mary Beth because I'm gonna talk about a thing that happened in my life sober and it's embarrassing it's shameful, it's, let me just tell you about it. So I get back with this wife and we have this life and the outside looking in, it looks like a great life. But you see, like that water right there? We live on a beach down in Jersey on the shore. I could take my boat on that water, face it east, see the sunrise every day, To see the curvature of the earth, right? It's one of the most spectacular things you'll ever see in your life, the sunrise. But what I don't notice because I'm looking that way is that I'm drifting. I'm driftin' from town to town to down and we do exactly the same thing in our recovery sometimes when we're not paying attention and I wasn't paying attention and all of a sudden I fell for the biggest trap that we have in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I felt prey to comfortability. All of a sudden, you know, overtime became more important. Being a baseball coach, being a basketball coach, nothing wrong with that stuff. It just overcame my primary purpose. And little by little, I was drifting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Aren't we the last ones always to see that? Starting to have problems at home. Starting to have a lot of fights. A lot of financial stuff. A lot of blame. You see, when you walk around with a grievance and you walk around with anger and when you work around with rage inside of you, one, it's never your fault so you're always blaming her. Two, you take everything personal. You make it all about you, the self-seeking character that I am. And three, I live under the delusion that I can control the situations that are going on in my life. Meanwhile, I'm getting separate from God, separate Separate from God, separate from God. Separate for my sponsor. All of a sudden I'm telling everyone about 30% of what's really going on in my life and I'm justifying it by saying to myself well I go to meetings, I sponsor guys, I do some service work blah blah blah. The truth of the matter is I can't get honest with myself about my behavior and what happens is I walk into the arms of a woman in A who understands. I'm 10 years sober at this point. This is 27 years ago. That's a long time ago. It was a quarter of a century ago, and I started an affair with this woman. July 8th is my son's birthday. July 9th is daughter's birthday, July 10th the cops took me out of the house ten years sober because I'm a lunatic. I have become my father. I'm filled with rage, I'm full with anger, I am filled with all this stuff, and And I'm in this relationship with this woman and I'm living the double life that we read about now, fifth step. And what I can tell you is over the next three years of my life, I just got angrier and angrier and angria because I had to protect one, my ego and my pride and my reputation. I've started to live this double life. I lied to my sponsor all the time, told him about 20% of what was going on, wasn't honest with you. Walk into me, Jimmy, how are you doing? great as the veins are about to pop out of my neck. It's a terrible way to live in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, this double life. And at 13 years sober I threatened her and she called 9-1-1. I didn't know they'd show up no matter what. And I get hauled off, 13 years over, filled with rage, filled with anger. And what happens to me is I walk in a bar one night, 13 years sober. I understand what Dr. Bob was talking about in his nightmare when he says he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He uses different words but I can't pronounce them. Chablis and Chabonnet or something like that. Isn't that wine? I don't know. Two mountains somewhere, I don't know. But I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don' t want to drink, but goddammit I need a drink. I need to drink. And I walk in a bar and I order a drink, 13 years sober. Bartender puts it on the bar. I don''t want that drink. I want that drink. The devil and the angel popped out my shoulders. I don ''t want to drink. Please God help me with this. All of a sudden, I don´t even know how long it was, 20 seconds, 20 minutes, it was like I was in a blackout. My hand goes around the glass and pulls it back. And when I look, the bartender just happened to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. What are you doing? Throwing my life away. The ego is one of the most powerful things that we want to, I think it just wants to destroy us, to be honest with you. Here's my ego two weeks later. I'm almost ready to drink two weeks earlier but then I walk into a workshop that he's doing Peter, down the block from my house I never met the guy I don't know who he is and he's talking the way he talks and in my mind I'm saying this guy's too good to be true are you kidding me? see the ego? I wanted to kill myself but now I'm judging it's kind of weird, isn't it? what else are we going to do? judge, right? make a long story short i gotta write inventory i gotta go through the steps again i gotta walk back into the darkness of my life because this is not a one-shot deal i just can't walk into inventory once and like we say all the time you know i can't stay full on a meal that i ate 27 years ago i gotta continue to do this thing of uncover discover and discard the things the wedges between me and God, and me and you. It's constant. There's no coffee breaks in AA. There's not coffee break in recovery. The minute I stop doing what we're doing, I start to slide backwards. So I know I have to do an inventory on this woman. It has eaten my lunch. It is eating my lunch, and I got these grievances towards her, and believe they are justified because when she called the cops on me, she got a restraining order against me. So now I've got a restraining order. I haven't had a restrainging order since, I don't even know. She brings me to court. And I'm in the courtroom in Jersey and I'm looking down the hall and I're with a couple of guys that came with me and I see her talking to her lawyer. I didn't have a lawyer. I'm thinking in my mind, okay, I learned my lesson. My anger got the best of me. They're just going to let me go. So delusional. I walk in the courtroom and she on hold like drops a bomb on me and all of a sudden the judge is holding an AA meeting book from Jersey with a red highlighter and he's circling meetings you're not allowed to go to this one you're looking around who are you talking about me and he bans me from about five AA meetings who the hell gets banned in AA that's like really and I get banned from going to a few meetings and I have hatred beyond hatred I have anger that is so intense that I just want to really do something wrong but I write this inventory column one column two I got a boatload of reasons column three the seven areas of self how this has affected me Column four, first time in my life I saw it to see me a little bit more clear on paper. How self-centered I was. How I used her for not only emotionally, financially, sexually, every possible way I used this person. I couldn't see that when I was in the midst of it. Sounds kind of ridiculous saying that. But we're blinded by that stuff. My alcoholism puts a veil across my eyes. I can't see the way I'm living my life at times. my dishonesty my fear, all that I start to get a good picture of that and then I'm asked to bring that into prayer and to pray for that person and one of the first steps in here or one ofthe first prayers in here is we ask God to help us show him the same tolerance, pity and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend when a person is offended we say to ourselves this is a sick man or woman how can I be helpful to him God save me from being angry but I will be done I wish I could just say I clicked my heels and that was good. It wasn't. Whenever I saw someone that looked like her, sounded like her. Saw commercials that reminded me of her. Read a paper that, I mean, I was right back into full-blown anger. So it was suggested to me that maybe, just maybe go into Gwen Law's story. You don't know who Gwen Law is, it's back in the book. Freedom from Bondage. A woman from California. I've heard so many people say, that's not going to work. That's not going to work. And if you're not familiar with that, turn to page 551 in your book. I didn't think this was going to work for me. And I want to read this because this is really important. If you have a resentment you want to be free of, you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. A promise. If you ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. And what started to happen was I started to read this prayer. It's not going to work for me. It's Not Going to Work for Me. It'sNot Going toWorkForMe. I've heard people in AA say that prayer, that's a story, it's ridiculous. That's never going towork for a guy like you, right? But I startedto pray for her that she would have good health and good sobriety and good relationships and all those attributes that I was trying to bring out of my own self, right? And even though I didn't believe it, I kept on saying the prayer every day. It says, ask for their health, their prosperity, and their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don' t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you'll find you've come to mean it and to wait for them, you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassion, understanding, and love. I wish I could tell you it was two weeks. But I was persistent. I got into a routine of prayer and meditation on a daily basis. And every day of that, in my morning prayer, I would pray for this woman that she would have happiness and sobriety and contentment and prosperity and every other positive attribute in her life. And it wasn't two weeks, but in two months I woke up one morning and I said this prayer and I felt something I've never felt in a while. And that was the presence of God inside of me. The wall came down. There was a sense of okayness within me there was a sense of I'm not angry I'm that bitter I don't resent not holding the grievance I started to experience with the fourth step talks about when it says we realize Something we never realized before and that's not in here It's in here in the soul Because we all suffer from a soul sickness Separated from God and each other for being persistent and praying and bringing this to God on a daily basis, it got cracked open. And all of a sudden I didn't have all that hatred towards her. What I realized is that she did something that she needed to do for herself and that's protect herself from a guy like me. And see when I'm in a deep resentment when I have a grievance, when I am angry I can't see the other person's mistakes, faults wrongs. I took everything personal because when you're angry that's what we do. That's what I do." And all of a sudden, I became willing, willing to try to clean this up. And as inventory was written, and as I shared it with my sponsor, there was a sense of freedom. I was taking that step towards the sunlight of the Spirit on this resentment. One of the great lines we have is at the end of We, Agnostics, when We disclose ourselves to him, or I can't even remember the line now. Exactly, whoever said that. The closer I get to God, the more I see. And as I started to uncover, discover and get this stuff that was blocking me from a real higher power in my life, I was starting to feel that freedom that we feel. The promises were coming and what are those problems? We have begun to learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill towards all men and women, even our enemies. But we look at them as sick people. And not sick in the sense of sick with whatever kind of cancer or anything like that. But aren't we all emotionally sick at times? Aren't we disconnected from God at times, aren't we all judgmental at times and gossip at times and all those characteristics fix me. Why? the delusion or the illusion that my character defects have value. I think anger works for a guy like me sometimes. Because I know that if I get angry enough, I could push my wife away. But see, we're all manipulative in one way or another. I know I can use my anger to pull her in and give me what I want. Self-seeking behavior. And I started to see the light with that. I wrote a fear inventory. Fear revolves around three things. Not getting what I want. What did I want in this relationship? I wanted security. I wanted emotional security, I wanted physical security, emotional, sexual, I want financial security and the fear of losing all that because you see walking out on a family like I did, walking out on an eight-year-old and a five-year old on July 10th when they looked at me and said, Dad, where are you going? And never to go back into that house again. I have morals. I have values. And I easily tossed all that to the side for something that's out there that I think is going to fix this thing inside here. I pushed my kids across the bar for a spree. I pushed my marriage across the bar for a spree and I didn't take one drink of liquor. So is alcoholism in a bottle or is it in my mind? Losing what I have. I'm so delusional, I think I have a reputation in AA, that I'm some kind of AA guru in my neighborhood because I could read how it works without looking at it in a book. Ego, ego, ego. And then probably the worst thing that, you know, revolves around fear is the fear of being found out. I'm an AA fraud, 13 years sober, too afraid to talk about what's going on in my life. So I write this inventory, fear, why I have the fear, how has self-reliance failed me how do I set the ball rolling and more importantly what can I do better the fear prayer on page 68 says the verdict through the ages that faith means courage all men of faith have courage they trust their God we never apologize for God instead we let him demonstrate through us what he can do prayer we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he'd have us be, not do. At once we commence to outgrow the fear. It doesn't mean the fear has been removed. It just means I start to take actions that are pushing me or pulling me away from the fear I'm a reactor to fear. Fear pops up, I react. And what the prayer is asking me is pause. Pause. Let's take a snapshot of what's really going on. Don't be a reactor of that. Bring it into prayer, bring it into meditation. Take a pause and get quiet and see where God directs you in that fear. I like to tell a stupid story, like it's like going to your mailbox, right? And you see all of a sudden I pull out all the bills and I'm like in financial fear immediately. Boom, what do I do? I borrow money I don't have, I steal money off my credit card, I do everything to pay the bills and I think I'm free until 30 days later when the bills are back and those other things that I used to so what it's asking me is to pause bring into prayer bring into meditation, bring into conversation with sponsors and friends and the network of people that are around your life and get present because when I'm in fear I am not present to the moment I'm always in tomorrow heard a great story a long time ago about God in a box, everyone know what God in the box is? take a calendar each day's a box on the calendar today's what? I don't even know Saturday, I think. When you're retired, you don't even care what today is. Every day is Saturday when you're tired April 28th, I think 27th Worst invention ever this Apple Watch, but that's another story altogether April 27th present to this moment, present with you, present with my friends, present with God. But I got a mind that wants to go on trips. And I'm going out to California next week, so let me go into Wednesday about the flight. Let me start thinking about that flight. I'm a golfer, so I'm playing at Torrey Pines on Friday. Let Me Start Thinking About That. Then we're doing this workshop on Saturday like this. And before you know it, I'm out of April 27th. But what the prayer is saying Jim, or God is really saying Jim I gave you free will so just enjoy your trip but when you really want me and need me come back to April 27th because that's where I'm at in this present moment and that's why we meditate and that'S why we pray is to get present to the only moment we'll ever have right now and now and now. Now that sounds very simple and simplistic. The truth of the matter is it's one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And take the time to meditate, and take the time to look at the things that are in my inventory, and get present with that stuff, and not allow those fears to take me out of today. And then again, sexual harms, and you know, we've got nine questions, and to write out that ideal, more prayer, more promises. eventually i wrote a we've been married 20 years i you know i went through the inventory again at some point and and again taking the actions what are the actions i gotta you know what is that ideal what isthat sexual relationship ideal that we have right i'm very clear on the nine questions i answer all the nine questionso it looks like the guy had his first girlfriend is the same guy 20 years later who's shown up in a marriage dishonest selfish you know all those character defects right so i gotta write an ideal i gotta put it into prayer form and i wrote it really for my wife you know and as i inventory my relationships in the past today and in the future i have found that i have fallen short i pray for the strength to practice my kindness now again i'm really bringing up her attributes that make me attracted to my wife and one of the most important attributes she has issues, the kindest person I've ever met. And I'm a savage from the street. I don't even know how to say thank you and be polite. But she taught me how to do that. I pray for the strength of practice, my kindness like her, my thoughtfulness like her and my usefulness like her. I prayer that you help me mold these ideals around the defects that block me from true relationships. Father, help me to see the truth in all my relationships, especially my wife. Help me to pay attention to her kindness, her compassion, and her love. When I fall short, I pray for the willingness to admit my faults and the strength to seek you. Lord, I pray that you direct my relationships and not fear. We'll be married 20 years, never had a fight. I don't think that's a surprising thing. Now, if it was my first wife, that'd be a different story. But the truth of the matter is, I have a wife in recovery who takes care of herself and I take care of myself through this, through the process of the steps, through all that stuff. And when we come to our home, we have a safe place. There's no trauma. There's not screaming. Do we not get along at times? I don't want to even say that. Do we butt heads with you? Absolutely. But there's no yelling or screaming or all that old stuff. Why? both take the time to work on ourselves, to sponsor other men and women, to carry these and practice these principles in all of our affairs. And I've got a couple minutes left and I just want to jump into a... Alright, I'll tell that real quick. What time's lunch? 1230? Oh, I've Got Five Minutes. Alright, thank you Chris for this. Let me take a drink first. Now, this is a stupid story, but back in Jersey City, back in the day, we had some lunatic politician that thought it would be a good idea for all the bars in Jersey city to march into St. Patty's Day parade, right? This is unbelievable. We're all going to march. So you know, we all line up. Back then it was like the second biggest parade after New York City at one point. So you have everyone lined up, you've got the bands, the politicians, the Girl Scouts, the Boy Scouts, all the civic community groups and all that kind of stuff. And at the end, they put all the bars. And we're just back there drinking and driving, right? We all have our trunks open, coolers. We're drinking, drinking, and drinking. Every bar had to pick a flag bearer to carry the bar flag. Now think Olympics. This is like the Olympics. So they come to me in the bar and they say, Jimmy, we want you to be the flag bearers for this bar that I hung out in. This is like hitting a lotto, right? This is the greatest thing that could ever happen, being a flag bearer. So I make a decision this day. Looking back, it wasn't a very good decision. But I go down to my father's basement under that stairwell, under those spiderwebs, and I find a can of Kelly Green lead-based paint. And I paint myself head-to-toe Kelly Green. Now, this is the kind of paint that you would paint the foundation of a building, right, Second thing I do, and again, I have total respect for singleness of purpose, but I drop a hit of acid. Yeah, that is weird. So let me just paint the picture for you. Big parade, walking down Kennedy Boulevard in Jersey City, I got the flag. I'm green from head to toe. I had hair back then, it looked like my finger was in an electric socket, it's straight up. I'm drunk, I'm tripping, and I'm having the greatest day of my life. Get back to the bar Somewhere Irish lady comes up to me got the brogue She goes Jimmy you must be so proud of your County and I think she's talking about one of the counties in Jersey I said, what are you talking? I'm from Hudson County. She meant Ireland So then she says to me Jimmy I'm so proud you must Be so proud to your heritage and I looked at her and I said what are talking about? I don't Polish in Hungarian Now I tell that story for a reason because Aren't we all chameleons? said I like to say who's a chameleon in here and I don't see any hands go up and then I say anyone ever pretend to be someone they're not so that's my tripping story I know it's not as good as Chris's but that would have been interesting the Lincoln tunnel last last minute prayer in the fifth step most powerful time I've ever had was my original fifth step but we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better how do we know them better. We get honest with ourselves and we get honest with another man, we become vulnerable to this way of life. And we talk about the things that are blocking us from God and the things That Are Blocking Us From Each Other. My original fit set was so powerful. But I'll tell you a story because it's popping in my head. I just told the story recently. I'm with Peter and his old home group. This is 24 years ago. And it was up in Union, New Jersey. And he comes up to me. He was heading down to Texas and he comes out to me and goes, I need you to listen to that guy's fit step. And I'm looking, and no disrespect, the guy was an Orthodox Jewish man. I might be ignorant in how I said that, but he didn't look like me. And I see Peter walking down to him, and he points to me, and I could just see the guy put his head down and go like that, right? So he can't do Saturdays, so I had to meet him on a Sunday, right, and he comes to my house, and I can't even believe it, the wall of cement that was between me and this guy. He's not like me, I'm not like him. but I'm willing to do what he tells me to do. And we sit down and we start to talk. Guys, I can't tell you the power of this stuff. All of a sudden, he's talking to me about things that don't leave his community. All of the sudden, he's taking me to church. He's talking with me about things that won't leave us family. All of sudden, I'm talking about things and secrets and stuff just like him. And before you know it, we're having a moment like I've never had before. I've listened to so many footsteps, steps, but this is so different than any fifth step I've ever heard in my life." And he didn't have a car. His wife dropped him off there and I said, okay, we're going to take the hour, go on my back deck and go sit there. I'm going to go up, take a shower. I'll meet you back here in an hour. And he did what he had to do. Page 75 took the hour read the first five or falls of stones properly in base. All of a sudden I'm sitting at my kitchen table and his guy walks in and there's a light around them, an actual light around this guy. This guy has been transformed. I'm starting to have a spiritual experience on his fit step. I can't believe I see what's in front of me. Most powerful thing that has ever happened to me in a fit step years later, I'm speaking to the Atlantic group over New York City, walking down the middle of the thing and all All of a sudden, some guy jumps on my back. Looked like I just robbed a jewelry store. It's a Jewish guy. I'm like, what are you? The light was in. And that's what we're talking about here. The light is in. The light goes inside of me. The light went inside of him. But as quick and as easy as it is to step out into the sunlight of the Spirit, that light can get extinguished. It was about six months ago. I'm speaking at a meeting somewhere. and I see a guy shuffling with a woman and he sits like right over there at the end of the meeting he comes up to me and goes do you remember me I said you look familiar he goes and then he told me his name and I knew immediately I got two days back I'm dying so why do we do a fourth step why do мы do a fifth step why do WE do all the steps it's to stay in the sunlight of the spirit and with prayer and meditation and action, these promises come true. We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We could be alone in perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. What a deal. Thank you.