Spiritual Maintenance in Steps 10 and 11 – 2024 Prayers & Promises Workshop – Part 2 of 7 – Peter B.

I have a 65-year-old bladder, so. All right. Peter, recovered alcoholic. And prayers and promises for step 11. There's something that goes if I'm faithful to the practice, I will experience the practice's faithfulness to me. If I practice fidelity to God, I'll experience God's fidelity to me." This walk, the work, I should say we're doing, Chris talked about 8-9, Jim talked about 4 and 5, we talked about 6 and 7, all this work, quite frankly, where we arrive, which our book talks about, the sunlight of the Spirit speaks loudly for that power that cannot be spoken about. There are no words we tell words, we tell stories in AA but even when we tell our story it really doesn't touch what we went through and moreover when we're talking about God we can try to paint any kind of picture. You come up with the best adjective to describe God, you can't. But we get an idea. In fact, if I was able to describe God, it's probably not God. And the thing about this walk we're on, I'll use things to make me feel godly. I will wrap myself up in bandages. Thomas Merton talks a lot about this of we'll call it money property and prestige because I know I'm so hollow and unrecognizable but if I acquire enough stuff get enough popularity you'll recognize me and somehow the delusional doors I'll fill this hole in the soul but eventually those bandages fall off and I realize I'm just an empty vessel I need to come to terms and peace with that in the pursuit of that to get what I think I'm supposed to have I wind up empty all the time it's the guy who comes to a meeting and or the woman and they're incredibly good shape and they look good the clothes just fit them well they got that healthy glow on them and he said my god what are they doing? You know, they eat right. They work out. They just look fabulous. And then you start to sponsor them and you realize that they can't be any other way because they're driven by vanity. It's not even an organic thing, but I want to get in shape. I feel like I need to do this and enjoy the process. They're driven for vanity or by vanity or the person that, you know, we see come to a meeting, a home group and they always have money on them and they're working lots and lots of hours or they have two jobs or run a few companies and you say my god how did it get so successful I want to be like that I need to be more productive and then you start to sponsor them and greed is driving them because no matter how much money they have it's never enough. They need the next deal they need the next million and they get that they need an X million and they're driven by that right to a drink. And the cool thing about being in the world of the spirit, can we experientially talk about that? Now I would, I think all of us, I could speak for us, are like a big fat bank account. For obvious reasons, but my mind gets involved and says, then I'll achieve happiness. Failing to realize I take me and my stuff just into a higher tax bracket. And I remember I had a sponsor who told me when I get to a place of acceptance, not apathy, but acceptance of having very little and working with that, it's an opportunity that I can achieve more and be grateful for whatever comes down the pipe. But if I'm constantly trying to chase and grab the brass ring while I'm scattered in here no matter what I achieve is not good, I'm looking in the wrong direction. need to be do is seeking out God all the time this interior prayer life where I'm looking for the all of God and everything the the practice of getting right with God I don't like to say closer to God because one of the truths I woke up to is third step says keep close to performance work well I'd have to get close to be close it's an awakening of how close God was there is no proximity between us and God that is the awakening the awakening he's closer it in my own breath, and I've been searching but in all the wrong directions. I've be searching for it in horror, I've been searching for money, I'm searching for a job, and it feels good for a while then it gets old, and the journey the old time has always said was inside where it always was. When I was living in an abandoned building I had just as much God in me then as I do right now, whether it's a little or a lot. The other thing I can get into, it's so subtle how the ego gets in there, it says well I need more God. I said early I need a smaller me not a bigger God but I need more God I need to experience more of God and that sounds good on the front end but how much of that is ego driving me if I get more god I'll be okay what if God said this is all I'm giving you of me can you work with that there's only gonna get in fact that job you're not gonna you're gonna have that job do you retire you're not going to be the CEO and that mid-range price car that you drive around in that's broken a hundred thousand miles, that's your car. You're not getting the new Beemer because if I give you that it's gonna take you away from me and if you get away from me I'm gonna have to put you in detox. When our book talks about this huge spectacular upheaval we tend to think what that happens I'm going to walk on water and AA is going to come to me and I'm I'm going to give them these new insights into their life. Sometimes, often the huge spectacular upheavals, I'm content with who I am, what's it all. And I show gratitude for God for all of it. I would love to have a lot more money. I would live to have my own house. I would like to have brand-new car. I would look to own my house. I think we can go around the block with people in line with that stuff. I want to be successful. That's all good. But can I be content with where I am? If I don't have a working relationship with God, I will never be content with anything I get. I will be the little Brad who gets toys for Christmas on Sunday. On Monday, he doesn't play with them. He wants a new toy in the store and stomps his feet on them. Mom and dad won't give it to him. That's what I do. So when I look at the 11th step, I'm going to throw a story out first and then get into this 10 and 11 stuff real quick. Let me do this. Step 10. If I was the mayor of AA, I would do something. I would change a few things. Forgive my boldness. How many meetings we go to and we hear, okay, we're going to bring up somebody to read how it works? Almost every meeting, a lot of meetings, read how It Works. I remember in Brooklyn, they just read step one, two, and three and get to the meeting. There's nine other steps. What was that about? But we read how it works. Rarely have we seen a person thoroughly follow a path. I mean, rarely have we see a person fail or thoroughly follow the path. And we read it and we've heard it. Some of us have heard it so many times we didn't even hear it anymore. I mean we hear it but it's like background music. And nowadays we're looking at our phone to make sure we got enough likes while How It Works is going on. We're not even hearing anymore. Beyond that, I always think about I got a new guy sitting, comes into the meeting and he's got maybe a couple of hours, he's gotta couple of days and it's on him. And he hears, you know, Joe's making 20 years and Mary's making five years and this guy's not gonna make it till 10 o'clock. He wants to but it's calling him. He can't get out. And he says, when is this thing gonna go away? I've been trying this forever. He said, I can't stay sober. I can'T, when is the time when is there's noise in the head to drink compels me to drink gonna go way? And we're reading how it works. which is informative, it does that guy no good that night. Or very little good. Okay so this is how it works but what about right now? I gotta get home sober and I'm gonna fight it and then tomorrow's another day I gotta fight it again. And then we throw this at him. We throw something that is incredibly powerful and those of us who've been around can say this is not just something in the book. It's experientially we've had this. It says this, we cease, I'm gonna tell this new guy this, that you will cease fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. Because if you're like me when we come here, we're not only trying to fight off the drink, we're fighting with a lot of other people and circumstances and if only mom was this way and if all only dad was this away and only the first wife did this and only if the second wife did that and only third wife did his and only my boss did that and we're just tied into Major League Baseball. If only, we all have an if only story And then we hear Joe sharing his if-only story. And Mary sharing her if-Only story. None of that keeps me sober. We cease fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. These are our 10-step promises. For by this time, sanity will have returned. And we've got to stop right there because back in step two, we're talking about getting to this place and we will arrive at a place of sanity, wholeness of mind, truth, solution, oneness with God. All the same thing for me. and step 10 is telling us new guy you're gonna get to this place where this is gonna work different and it isn't positive affirmation it isn's self-will it isn' self-help it's through the awakening of the soul the stole the visual is here's the soul it awakens we get right with it and it kind of trickles up in tears that's a good idea that's bad idea our books as we react sanely and normally that's not a conclusion of the mind. I know some cats are saying the first three steps are conclusions of the mind, no they're not my mind has one conclusion, me first you third and I get drunk it says for by this time sanity will have returned I will seldom be interested in liquor I'm going to tell this guy if you're ever tempted you're going to recoil from it like from a hot flame I'm gonna tell this guy you're gonna react sanely and normally and you'll find that this is gonna happen automatically I'm gonna tell Joe you don't have to do anything it's a result of the steps God's gonna do this for in his merciful way you have to think the drink through play the tape to the end keep it green we remember I come from it's part of the package did we tell this guy you'll see that your new attitude toward look as will be given to you without any thought or effort on your part if I'm thinking I'm in trouble as an alcoholic I love to think and listen to the narratives see that the reason why the narratives and the thought life is so powerful because they're mine and I believe them to be true if Mark came up to me and said hey I got some thoughts in my head I would say mark that's crazy it's delusional just jump it but when they're my thoughts I don't listen to that they're true and it gives and power this is it just comes this is the miracle of it we're not fighting it neither are we avoiding temptation we're gonna tell this new person you're gonna feel like you've been placed in a position neutrality safe from protected you won't even swear the stuff off and here's the place called recovered we're going to tell this guy this problem will be removed in fact it will not exist for you what a promise this thing is on me like it was with me drink don't drink drink though drink drink or drink use don't use oh my god it's not only nine o'clock they told me to hang in till 12 o' clock it's a new day how am I gonna get to 12 o clock 12 o clock happens now it's 3 in the morning I'm going out to do I'm not going out to go I don't know tomorrow use it again drink signals drink issues drink this drink that everything's about a drink and it says it's all going to be removed you get to a place called recovered it means free free of me and there's space if you will between me and this thing called alcoholism not only active drinking but the isms have alcoholism that wasn't I need to get unhooked from all of that because even though I'm sober I'm still I could still be thinking like a drunk and every once in a while that that voice gets in there I was driving to Texas one to the airport and flying to Texas and wonderful weekend ahead of me I have a lot of friends in Texas and I was really looking forward to it and I had been on the road like five weekends in a row and Marion couldn't make every weekend that gets really pricey you know buying these tickets for when they don't pay for the spouse and so this one I was alone and I'm driving 95 towards Fort Lauderdale towards the airport and it's a gorgeous summer morning absolutely beautiful and I start thinking well my mind starts giving me thoughts by the way I would always think I have thoughts if I had thoughts they were my thoughts I can get rid of them but the thoughts have me so I can't get rid of them. What I need is God to get in the middle. So I start thinking, like, I'm going to miss another weekend. What are you like, Mr. A.A. now? And I'm leaving Marion behind. This is a perfect beach day. And I am thinking of beach, go to dinner later, walk on the beach tonight, and I am going to Texas. Now, Texas was like, ìI don't want to go.î And Iam thinking of all this stuff, and Iím like, maybe I should just text him or email to lie and not go, and then you know when you're like that, and like God gets in the middle and says like, what are you doing? I sent you to Texas, why aren't you going? And then you kind of get, you clear up, and okay, I'm going on my way, you know. When I got to the airport, it was usual Fort Lauderdale disaster area, cancellations, late flights, and all of that stuff, very similar to Newark, not the training ground for spiritual growth and um and my flight was delayed and a lot of flights were just whatever was going on it's a mess and the lady at the counter is just frantic trying to get people their tickets and put them on other flights and they're cursing and hollering and it comes up to me and it comes out of my mouth i says are you okay she's oh my god i'm so glad it's friday i'm at it as people are crazy they're going i'm thinking to myself she's listening to the same guy i was listen to the car over here. It's the same voice. What I'm able to do when I kind of make that conscious contact with God is unhook from that. How often do I listen to this voice? How often am I writing a 10-step and being quick to see where religious people are right? Let's turn to God at once. We ask him to remove this stuff, turn my thoughts to someone we can help, make amends if I owe one. All 10-step stuff. How often am I doing that? Or am I letting the stuff just lay around and it starts to get like layers on my soul of toxic stuff. And I'm wondering how come I can't hear anymore because I'm not clear. And then I start to hide things. And what I hide, I can'T heal from. Start to have secrets. That thought life creates my current reality and it happens that quick. I lose my way. I start getting attachments to many things thinking and that's going to unhook me from all of this, and I don't go to God. You know, we start to, we can accumulate resentments and fears. You know? I look at those swinging doors back there, and if I was to put a sheet or two of loose leaf in there, those doors would open and close, no problem. If I put three or four sheets of paper in there those doors will probably open and closed, but if I put like 20, 30 sheets of paper in those doors, they're stuck. they're jammed up they're not working properly i get a resentment or fear no big deal i'll think it through i won't think about it which means i'm thinking about it and that begets another one and another one in another one and suddenly i've lost my way and i'm in lockdown and I have the world on top of me when I stay that way in that spring gets tight enough I have a default button to seek relief because I'm an alcoholic it says vodka or Jack Daniels or weed or whatever my thing is because I need relief from life and I'm not getting it just me running the show the ego has reemerged and I can't hear God anymore so what my tenth step has those promises then it has some prayers it's a couple of warnings here it says it's easy lit up on a spiritual program of action and rest on my laurels my accomplishments we're headed for trouble if we do alcohol is a subtle foe so it says every day that one is just convenient for me every day is a day we must carry the vision of God's will to all my activities how can I best serve you thy I will not mind be done. That's a prayer for me. What's God's will? Ask him. God, show me your will today and the power to carry it out. We turn in in order to go out. Turn in in ordered to go out. If I don't turn in, I'll go without. Conscious contact, constant contact. God, what do I do? Okay, what am I wearing tonight? God, what do you want me to put on? Sport jacket, shirt and tie, what do I do God I just had a thought of Joe I haven't seen Joe in a while should I call him, text him what do you want me to do I'm trying to lose weight and I'm in Publix the supermarket I really want to lose some weight and automatically my cart goes down the frozen food section what happened to us and sometimes God is as simple as go and get some vegetables I think God's going to you know, pot the seas, Peter. And sometimes it can be that simple. I need to be listening. And at the beginning, that voice is muddled. I don't know it. And then little by slowly, I start to, because it cuts through everything. Whether I like it or not, we, I are called to sanctity. That's the God's path. I don' t have to join a monastery to live that way. I can do it in my comings and goings, called to sanctity. We're born to be saints. God's great love is I'm going to give you that kind of life and you can raise children, have a job, be a blue-collar guy with no education, but you will live saintly with all your faults. That's the way God wants it. What we do in Alcoholics Anonymous, Jimmy's going to talk about this in a few minutes, the 12-step work we get to do is saintly work. I mean, we kind of do it and we kindof roll with it We don't even stop and think that if you call the policeman at 2 o'clock in the morning, there's nothing against police, and say, hey, there's a drunk next door, they're going to arrest him. And if they call the guy's therapist, they are not answering at 2 O'Clock in the Morning. And if you called a treatment center, they want to know what your insurance policy is. They are not coming to get you. But saintly work is this, when you call a drunk at 2O'Cclock in a morning, they say I'm on my way and I'm bringing a couple of guys I don't even know who the guy is but we're coming we're going to get this guy out of his own way and put him in a safe haven whether it's a detox or an AME whatever it is we're gonna hose him down in the shower we're Gonna change his clothes we're Going to put him In our car We're Going To Get Him Some Food Buy Him A Cup Of Coffee A Pack Of Cigarettes And We're Gonna Take Good Care Of Him That's Saintly Work That's What We Do In Alcoholics Anonymous and i work with the 11 step uh all all my teachers uh um talked about uh the disciplines of step 10 and 11 we've entered a world of the spirit experientially what's that look like what's that feel like can i talk about that not tell something i heard that you said or not say something i heared you said my personal experience is what this power called god as a direct result of living in 10 and 11 and not wearing an unfinished amends list all over me? How could I hear now if I'm driven by voices of the past? My past is, it happened. It's cleaned up as far as I know. I can step into this world of the spirit and start to experience traveling light. Chris mentored Chuck Chamberlain. He said something we can only do as good as the light we're standing in. He also said something I thought was profound I had to pull my car over. He says, our job is not to take care of ourselves. That's everything against what I've been taught. He says our job is to seek God and let God's job is to takecare of us. And I thought about it since I got into AA and kind of been surrendered to God. My life was awfully good. When I try to takecared of myself, it's what I think I need to be okay with the very things that might separate me from him and you. So I developed through good teachers, sponsors, a life of prayer and meditation. We don't have enough time to talk about meditation, what it looks like, how it feels, and the results of. But I can tell you, I'm going to travel a lot lighter because I'm operating out of the soul. I'm not operating out of the mind when I have a meditative life and living a contemplative walk. Yeah. During COVID, I failed miserably. COVID happened and I took a political side and I'm glued to the news, my news station, which hates the other side. And my sponsor says, does Marion have cauliflower ears by you walking around? You know, just these people, these people these people, these people. True or not, I was not okay. He's you going to get on your white horse and draw the sword and go into the crowd and put something spiritual on Facebook and change the world? It was nonsense. And I had to take a look at that. I have no power over that. My job was to try to practice these principles in all my affairs when other people around me weren't to take the division of God's will into all my activities in very adverse conditions. They shut the planet down, which was torture. It was punishment. That's a topic for another day. Yet AAs, we pretty much survived. We said, oh really? We invented Zoom. Let's go. Remember the first Zoom call? It was unbelievable. Chris talked about before. I saw a guy step into a shower. I said, this is not good. I saw a guy, I remember telling Jimmy about this. I'm watching Zoom and this guy had the phone and he propped it up on his nightstand and began to disrobe down to his little t-shirt and his tighty whities and he got into bed and pulled the sheets up and laid down his I said you wouldn't do that in a meeting. But it kept us It kept us together. I'm on Zoom, and this woman about 80 years old forgot her camera was on and came out of the shower. This is not good. This is no good. This is just not good, and then you go on Zoom. Zoom's cool. I mean, you know, I still do Zoom. I mean it held us together very grateful, but if you notice you see the first page of people, Where are the rest of you folks on page 2, 3, 4, and 5? No one's on. Would you put a paper bag over your head if you're sitting in a meeting? One woman said, I'm going to eat. I'm gonna have lunch. I'm hungry, so I won't be on. I'll just listen. You wouldn't do that in a meet-up. You wouldn' t be at a meeting. Anyway. So I'm working with prayer meditation, and Mary and I get called to go to Sweden to do a weekend workshop. Mary's never been out of the country, I've been there a couple of times and we had to fly from Miami up to Newark and from Newark across the ocean and we get to New York and it's not a pleasant airport. It's a little rough. We ask a guy what time is it? He said, what am I, Big Ben? And walked away. I mean, you know. It's late in the day. So anyway, we can't find our gate. Now, Mary and I do a lot of prayer, a lot of meditation. We're Catholics. We work with something called rosaries. Very prayerful life. Thank you, God. So we did a lot prayer before we head out that morning like we did today. I always pray for the place I'm going to, who's ever attending. I pray all of that stuff. And we get to Newark, and we can't find our gate. We finally get to our gate, and no one's at the gate itself, and the air conditioner's not working. It's summertime. It's just icky. Then we start to think. We have like about a seven- or eight-hour flight overnight and get there the next morning. And we're hungry. We can't fine a good place to eat. It's airport food. And we'll hot, and were tired already. And I look up, and Marion's white as it goes. She comes over and says, honey, I don't know if I want to go. I says, you know what? I don' t know if want to either. I'm thinking, how do I get out of this? And I'm thinking, my head's telling me, what are you like Mr. A? That voice always comes back. You really need to go to Sweden for like two days? You're going to go all the way to Sweden to speak for a total of maybe five hours. Have you lost your mind? No, it's too much in my mind. That's the problem. So we don't know what to do and I'm thinking text, email, something cancel, not good stuff in the head. Marion says let's pray. The power of prayer. We put our stuff down we're standing off to the side in the terminal at Newark Airport and we decide to close our eyes and pray. And Marion's leading the prayer. We open up our eyes and there's a woman standing as far as Frankie is in the first row from us and she's smiling. Now if you see someone smiling you at close proximity at the airport, move. and she walked over towards us and she said it's so wonderful to see people praying in public that's all we needed so a conversation started mostly between her and Marion and she's talking about what do you guys do we're going to an AA event I have family in Al-Anon and I'm going to go see my dad who lives there and he's gravely ill and my husband's there waiting for me and we had this thing, she knew about Al-Alan She knew about AA, and she was a very, very religious Christian woman. She got the prayer. Somewhere in that conversation, she asked, may I ask what you were praying? And Marian said, the core of what we're praying is something from Scripture. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And she stopped. She said, I can't believe it. She said I was praying this morning, and when I got up off my knees from praying, I have a bracelet on my nightstand it's been sitting there forever and something told me to wear that and I don't know why until just now and she took off the bracelet, I have it home on my altar and what was inscripted inside the bracelet is I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me at that point I'm like Rocky V let's go to Sweden it gets better we start to get on the plane she tells us her seat we say this is where we're sitting should we see her get on the plane we get on the plane the plane takes off I fall asleep because you can't walk around till the bells go off and all that other jazz I fall sleep and I have this dream I had the weirdest dream like God says I'm going to send you an angel I said I know what that's about it was a weird dream very real So anyway, the plane's up in the air and people are starting to move about. Marianne said, I'm going to go find Jeanette. That was her name. And she goes to her seat. She comes back. She's not there. Somebody else is sitting there. Maybe we took the wrong seat number. Let's look around. Now, Marianne's alcoholic, which means she's looking at overhead compartments. Up and down the plane. This woman is nowhere. So we do like the eight hours, whatever it is. Sweden, we deplane one of the first people getting off. We looked at who was getting off the plane Now we're stalking mode, and we're watching people get off the plane. This woman, we couldn't find her on the plane, as far as we know, she never got off the plane. I called my sponsor about this, and he says exactly what I was thinking. It could have been you just missed her. She was sitting in the back, maybe she went to the ladies' room or whatever, anything could have happened, and you may have missed her on The Deplaning Process. He's, or? And he gave me the spiritual answer. You think God doesn't have the ability to send an angel to touch you, to go do work he hired you to do. See, if I can't say that's possible, then I have a really small God and a very big me. Our book says the age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that. And when a miracle happens, I use logic to discount it the same way an atheist would. Yet, I'm in AA talking about the miracles of God. I'm so quick to believe sickness and bad times, but I'm skeptical to believe healing and good times. I got it all backwards. And God said, I'm going to show you how powerful and present I am here. God in Scripture says, gives us an equal measure of faith, yeah? An equal measure or faith. No one gets more than the other. And I'm supposed to use it soberly, it says, not as a weapon against someone or not like hide it in the closet. I don't have anything use it soberly and what I do with is really up to me I need to cultivate that faith which means I'm gonna offer it to people who have lost their way I'm going to hang with people who are godly people I'm not gonna hide God in the closet when a newcomer's talking to me how bad it is for them I'm gonna tell him we're gonna get you to God I'm not gonna stop doing that and I'm Gonna hang around people who were believers Not only in AA, but AA is a direct path to God. This thing speaks loudly for the power that can't be spoken about. So I want to give Jimmy some time here. Forgive me for not going through all the promise in the 11th step, but let me just close with this. In doing, I succeed. The book doesn't say do it perfect. but if I go to the gym and I just started CrossFit with my wife I'm a disaster area in there I did a workout he says wow that was pretty good she says that's just a warm up why am I doing this there's guys in there who were shredded they look like they're carved out of stone and I'm coming there with this I'm going home I don't know what I'm doing but in doing I succeed I'm doing something say they were prayer meditation I'm not just going to flub it and say okay God I'm checking in have a great day I'm out I'm going to do my best to strike up a conversation that has already existed and do my best to sit in a meditation I don't know what I'm doing God loves that in doingI succeed I've begun I've done something rather than nothing and so I chop wood and carry water day in and day out I do it for fun and for free I can't see a life without it okay so God gives me I speak for myself God has laid a cross on my back I can complain about it but I carry it joyfully because he's put it there keeps me close to the ground and remember who's in charge, and I need his help. I need His help for endurance. I need HIS help for passion. I needHis help for gratitude. But I carry that joyfully. He didn't say, pick up another one and put it on your back. That's self-will run riot. And I play the model role. So whatever it is, I do it for God's glory. I get to do it in Alcoholics Anonymous. What we get to experience in 1011 and we pass on in 12 is way beyond this book. My sponsor says if you study the menu in a restaurant and don't order you go home hungry. You can't eat the menu. This is the menu The book doesn't keep me sober. My sponsor my sponsees my home group doesn't keeps me sober they're all avenues part of the mix that God could and whatever you sought, here's the promise. God can and has because I keep seeking him out. Thank you so much for having me. That's all I got. Thank you.