The Fourth Step Inventory – Emotional Sobriety – Part 4 of 6 – Sandy B.

i think i'm going to move further into the steps now and a basic two-second overview is that for me i had to build a foundation in steps one two and three and that came with breaking of the unmanageable life and the ego and the compliance and surrender and then seeing that it's not just about the drinking that alcoholism is not in the liquid it's alive and functioning right now that needs to be treated. It's an ism, it's not a wisdom. Going into step two and how do I come to believe that there's a power that can restore me to sanity and using other literature like the Sermon on the Rock has been very helpful for me. And then going into step three when I make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of this power as I understood him it says past tense so I understood because I had a relationship in step twoand I had an experience and in step three I realized that I can never completely understand God, it's just understood because God is so infinite and you know in the big book it's very clear that it talks about now we're at step three and God I offer myself to thee to deal with me and do with me as thou will, believe me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will take away my difficult peace and be free over them, make their witness to those And in the book, the clear instruction is that we thought well before taking the step, making sure we were ready and that we couldn't last abandon ourselves utterly to God. And the willingness to be rid of self is the important factor. Whether self completely goes or not is all up to God, I don't know what's going to happen in the end. I don' t know if defects get lifted, I do' n't know what gets lifted, but that I continue to be willing. And when I look at my will in my life, my will and my life are my thoughts and my actions. That's what I learned here. So my will is my thinking and my thought is my, my, my, my, my, my willin my life or my thinkings and my options. My will is, my thoughts are my life is my actions, how I treat other people, what I decide to say, what I decided not to say. And as I make a decision to turn my will into my life. if I don't have the willingness, I can definitely pray for the willingness. When I see a sponsee that appears to be unwilling or somebody that I'm working with appears to being willing, a definite suggestion that I'll give is pray for their willingness. Ask God to keep you willing. Ask God help you be more willing when you're holding on to a defect that you know you should let go of. Ask God you help you to be more self-honest, more willing in the moment. And like I said, it's a lifelong process. And so once that foundation in step three is formed pretty well, it's much easier to go into step four. And in step four, when I make a fearless and moral searching inventory of self, it's fearless because I have a power today. If I didn't have a Power, it would be fearful. That's why I feel it's very important that this isn't erased because I've often seen young people or new people come into AA and just get a fourth step dumped on them. And it's too much to bear. They go running the other way. And so I feel that it is a lifelong journey and I don't know when, I just know that some people you can clearly see that now you're ready for a fourth step and others aren't. And I don't force anything upon anybody. You can, you can tell an alcoholic something, but you can't tell him much, you know, whatever that saying is. I can't force anything on anyone anyway. Usually the God inside is ready enough and the sponsee or the alcoholic is ripe enough that they're really ready to go the extra mile. You know, the mystics would talk about the willingness to be with God in the end is the free and the undeserved gift also, that I'm not even doing the willingness, that self can't be willing enough to be v?i God, that something else has to be taking its place or I wouldn't be willing so even my willingness to show up here and to do this and to be a humble servant for God is not my will anymore God's doing the work I'm not I'm emptying my vessel out and I'm allowing God to maneuver through me in the steps as I go into the fourth step process I really like as outlined in the big book and I like the structure of the four-step exactly as outlined and there are several reasons why I've definitely done other inventories you know ditto cheat xerox things the california childhood inventory do it this way do it that way and there's one or two reasons why i feel that it's so important that i do it as outlined it's because i can hand down a lineage that's been handed down through 76 years from bill wilson all the way to us and then it's foolproof so there's no argument. Is it AA or is it not AA? And so this last time around, I just completed a fourth and a fifth and I'm in my amend step. I did it as outlined in the big book. And this guy from as outlined In The Big Book down in LA, Sheldon Wolf took me through the big book and I had to write everything out all my columns, all my everything, I had get a ruler and get a yellow piece of paper. And so basically my experience was I wrote down all the names, just like we're supposed to. And I didn't have a lot this time. I had 23. You know, I don't know about this rummaging in and getting into the hundreds and hundreds of them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming. In the book, it says the thing, the things that really burned me up. So we were sore, we were burned up. If it's not burning me up anymore, I don't know what the point is of inventorying it. It's the things that I'm really have an inner trigger and an inner struggle with that I want to put down on paper. And again, it's nicht �ber die Qualit�t, es �ber die Qualit�t, es um die Kontent. I believe that I can do a fourth step on two or three resentments or one resentment just as well as I can do a full inventory because I haven't done one for several years. So the key is in the willingness and the thoroughness, and there's no finishing point and there'S no perfect way to do it. But this time I had 23 resentments. I wrote the names down, and then I did the columns where on the front he told me to get a yellow-lined paper. This is exactly how I did it. I wrote the name in that first column, I wrote the cause or the resentment in that second column and then over here how it affects and exactly as outlined in the big book. My self-esteem, my security, my ambition, my personal relations, my sex relations and my pocketbook. And I did this to the best of my ability. The thing that I love about this last sponsor that took me through the book is that he wanted me to really get in touch with like how angry I was so you know yeah I had this one sponsor for a minute and she tried to push all this landmark forum stuff on me and I got really really upset about it so she's one of the things that's on my on my resentment list not to have anything against landmark forum but it's just like I feel like there's no place in Alcoholics Anonymous for that and so I felt like really duped after I got sucked in she reeled me in to AA and then she started to push this other stuff on me and then i got rid of her and i fired her and so he said i want you to really get in touch with the anger and so when i started writing the resentments i said something like well i don't feel it's appropriate it's like oh no no no i want You To Get In Touch With Really How It Affects Your Self-Esteem You Know And It'S Like I Am The Queen Of A.A. And You'Re Threatening Me And You Shouldn'T Even Be In My Frickin Meeting And Off With Your Head And You Need To Die How Does It affect my, how does it affect my security? You better apologize to me or get the heck out of here. Like he really wanted me to get in touch with the core nastiness of what the ego is attached to. You know, my ambition, get out. It says, get the F out is what I put in there. You know, and my sex relations, women in recovery are so damaged. Women should help each other. they should have each other's back so i go into the uh the the the harm with fury i i don't you know there's two ways i've heard to do it one is it is a subjective view and one is an objective view i do feel that if i'm just looking from a bird's eye view up here then i don' t know if i'm diving all the way down into the subconscious mind the point of the inventory itself is to get in touch with the pain and the anger and the hostility. I actually really like when I see somebody that's in a four-step, and they're crying, and their retching, and all disconnected because they're having an experience with the step itself. If I'm not having an experience with this step then I'm in homework again. And how many times have I been self deceived? So this particular inventory that I did I feel was very thorough, and I felt sick a lot, and felt uneasy, and kept thinking is this going to be lifted, is this not going to be lifted? You know, how are these resentments going to go? And my sponsor who really is a black belt, especially in four and five, he would say the same thing to me over and over. He'd say, don't look at me. I'm not God. I don't know what's going to be listed and not listed. I am not guaranteeing you anything. You're the one doing the work. I am just the sponsor. And I really like that answer because so often it's like, oh, they're there. You are going to be fine. You will be okay. And they are not always okay. So I don' t want to make an unreasonable promise that's not going to be met. I don't know what the outcome is for anyone and I don'T know what the output is for myself. Some of these things are lifted, some of these things are not lifted, some of the things are lighter, some these things have constant improvement and constant prayer but the point is is that I get these resentments out on paper and then I do that last column on the back and with every single resentment I wrote on the backside of the resentment, God this is a sick woman or god this is a sick man like myself how can i be helpful helpful save me from being angry thy will not mine be done just like it says in the book so i write that prayer for every single person every single solitary person gets that besides this is also not about penmanship or spelling we don't care if you scribble or write with your feet or whatever crayons it doesn't matter this isn't about some kind of perfect you know yeah so and then again on the back so where had I been selfish? Where had I been selfish I think I know what's best for AA meetings. I think i'm the one that needs to make it clear I expect people to treat me a certain way. Where did I where was I dishonest? I expect I expect to have things my way. That's dishonest. I expect people to be different. I have unrealistic expectations of severely mentally ill people. It's just, it's dishonest of me. It's ridiculously dishonest of me, you know? It's one thing to have an expectation of my own fourth step in my work, but to expect anyone else to be or show up or behave or act or wear a hat in a certain way is always a major setup for failure. So even my sponsor is going to fail me. I'm going to look cockeyed at anyone and everyone. This woman was doing the very best she could. Is landmark form a bad thing? I don't think so, but I'm not interested in it. Did she think she was doingthe right thing? She absolutely thought she wasdoing the right thing. She really thought shewas going to help me by taking me to a self-help program. I don't want self- help. I want God help. Just a difference of opinion I don't need to slit her throat and throw her away but that's what self wanted to do because AA needs to be a certain way and you can't do this and blah blah blah and I could have just held my ground and said you know the traditions are that that's an outside issue and I just don't think that it's conducive for this and I couldn't have been done with it but oh no self grabbed a hold of it the ego grabbed a hold of my head spun around and green stuff went flying out daggers everywhere and this poor woman who didn't really even wrong me but I made up this big story in my head of how sponsorship should be and how the structure of it should be and what you should be presenting and blah blah blah and I pour my own Dixie cup of cyanide and I drink it and I throw up you know around and around and it goes you know where was I afraid or frightened I thought she would harm me she would harm other people you know and so it's that i get down to the core of whatever's going on in here at the deepest darkest level i want to really really really see what self looks like i don't want to spritz perfume on this stuff i don'T WANT TO MAKE LIGHT OF IT i want TO GET DOWN INTO THE DIRTY you know AND AFTER THAT i do my sex inventory and my fear inventory and And sex inventory, again, is not about penis and vagina. You know, it says in here that we really don't have... That's an outside issue, like how it all went down. What we're inventorying here is how I've treated the opposite sex. That's exactly what I'm looking at. I'm not looking at who had an orgasm or used a condom. It has nothing to do with that at all. It's like how repeatedly over and over again have I expected you to take care of me and when you fall short, I snip your nuts off, turn you into a mouse and watch you squeak away and then say, see, they're all like that because I don't know how to nurture a man and I don'T know how TO respect him and I DON'T know HOW TO treat him like a man should be treated. I DON't know HOW to have a healthy interaction. I have these unreasonable demands, these unrealistic expectations and when they don't come to fruition, I'm incredibly cruel and mean. one of my biggest defects is i am mean i'm so so mean and i have radar laser radar on how to hurt you i take stock and i put it in my rolodex and i know what the harms are and then bam when i'm ready here comes the bb gun and the darts and everything else i'm cruel inside very very cruel when i don't get my way and my past becomes my future so we look at these i think they're nine think, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. There are nine things it says in the sex inventory. It says, where was I selfish? Where was I dishonest? Where was I inconsiderate? Who did I hurt? Did I arouse jealousy? Did I arise suspicion? Where was I at fault? Did I create bitterness? What should I have done differently? Again, these are like one sentence answers. This is not writing a novel. It's just basically going back and getting a little history on it. I first start on the backside. And I write a little story about the guy, you know, I met him in a bar on a vacation and the Florida keys, blah, blah. My second DUI. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, where did, where was I selfish? I wanted him to love me and I was disconnected and he was disconnected. I wanted to be totally cherished and treated like a queen. Yep. Yet I didn't treat my man like a King. I didn'T have respect for him. I was demanding and pushing and shoving. That's completely dishonest. I wanted something for nothing. I couldn't be the woman that God wanted me to be, and yet you better treat me a certain way. You know, where was I dishonest? I was hooked on drugs. I was stealing. I wasn't coming home at night. You know, who did I hurt? I hurt him. I hurt his whole family. You You know, did I arouse jealousy? I'm sure I did. You know. Did I arous suspicion? I'm surer I did, where was I at fault? I was high from the beginning. My picker was broken. I had no capacity to even enter into a healthy relationship. I'm at fault all the way in most of these situations. There isn't even a bit that's on their side of the street. It's all of my stuff. It's not very often that you find that they're 95% wrong and I'm 1% wrong. Most of the time it's I'm 95 to 98% wrong, sometimes people are really victimized and that's a whole different category and I actually have some opinions on that real quick here. You know, some people have been abused in like real, real harms, like beaten, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, that kind of stuff And I can tell you that this is just an opinion. I don't believe in ever sending a sponsee back into the perpetrator's arena and telling them, I am sorry for hating you after you repeatedly abused me as a child and took my virginity and blah, blah, bla, bla. Some of these harms are so horrifying and so disgusting, but there are ways to lift it. There are waysto look at those people and to have compassion and to do something for others that are harmed in that arena. But I don't know that one shoe fits all, and I don' t even know that Bill was in touch with how severe some of these harms could be. I don''t even know when this was all written if he ever took into consideration some of the major atrocities, and they' re not very often. Most of the time an alcoholic will try to justify a resentment. It' s like, uh-uh. But every once in a while there is something that' s so deep and so dark but there's just no way that there's even an apology that's supposed to be involved here so each resentment needs to be taken into great consideration because it's not above the board okay man put them on your list you know write out that little man do your night step thing or you're never going to be free and you're probably going to drink again i don't believe in that whole concept of if i don'T make all my amends i will drink again I don'T believe that at all some amends aren't ever going to get made. Some things are lightened, some things get completely lifted, some things are living amends. I don't know. This is between me and my God, not between me and my sponsees, not Between Me and My Sponsor, not BETWEEN ME AND MY FAMILY MEMBERS. It's me getting right inside my heart with my Creator. That's the most important part. I'm not here to, to impress anybody. And even if on the outside, people like, man, you know, she or he needs to clean that up. If they say they cleaned it up inside, then they say, they cleaned it up and said, I leave it. I don't have an outside opinion on somebody else's stuff that way. So, you Know, did I cause bitterness? You know, his family hated me, but you know often in the column of what should I have done instead, my sponsor guided me in the direction of using my mind the way it is today, not then. Because often the what should I have done instead in the sex inventory is I couldn't have done anything differently because I was operating from self. But what shouldI have done differently? You know, I should have gotten a therapist. I shouldhave gone to AA. Ishould have hung out with people my own age. So on that column I often talk about something that's logical like a mind function and a mindset that I can come from today. And in my fear inventory, I only had, I think about nine or 10, you know, fears and, you know hepatitis C. I'm afraid of my landlord raising my rent. I am afraid that I'm going to get cancer. You know, I'm afriad of my sister yelling at me or rejecting me. And then, you know why do i have this fear you know it stirs something inside of my uh my instincts for security and survival you know did self did self-will fail me every single time yeah holding on to it does nothing and then god please remove this fear and direct my attention for what you would have me do you know and what good would god have me doing i write a little thing about what god would haveme do youknow i'm afraid of cancer i wrote i would i think god would have me drink a lot of water and take vitamin C and eat more salads. And my sponsor goes, that's not the answer. The answer is trust in God completely, no matter what you eat and what you do. You know? And I thought, well, that's a really interesting one. You know, he took it a mile further. I still sort of somewhere in there think the more I take care of myself, the more I won't ever get a cancer. But you know, there probably is a lot of self-will even in that sentence. So everything's not like clear above the cross the board. You know, it's not like this perfect thing. Anyway, as I go into my fear inventory and the sex inventory, and you know, and then I do a step five. And for me, the most important thing in my step five is that I'm really, really willing to have this stuff removed. My sponsor can't remove anything, whether he's fidgeting while he's listening to me or he's wholeheartedly listening. I want to have an experience, so I want to be so connected to those resentments as I'm reading them. Like, I even want to having a cathartic crying if it's possible to be getting in touch with emotion. I don't want to be reading it from the intellect. This is the time to go into the past and rummage around and begin to vomit, really vomit. There's so many times when you shouldn't have been fiddling in there and you were and now here's your chance to do it. Now come on muscle up and get Get that poop all over you. Let's go. Let's get it out from the subconscious, out to a conscious level and make a conscious effort that I'm really going to be done of this. I'm Really, Really, Really going to ask God to change my thinking, direct my thoughts, free this person. And if there's a harm done, make amends in step nine. So there's so much to be considered here. And I feel like what I'm giving you right now is exactly as outlined in the big book. So there'S not a whole lot of room for argument. and I did not have this two years ago. Like the way I'm, the verbiage that I'm using today and the demonstration that I am using today was really given to me by a heavy hitter AA sponsor of like this is it and like I said just a few minutes ago the reason why is because I've just seen a lot of argument and a lot problem with four steps and people have a struggle getting through and so for me I've bought this package and this is Zit Hook Line and Sinker this is the way I'm going to live it this is how I'm doing it this is what I'm gonna present it This is the way I'm going to inventory it. This is what's in the book, and I don't want to waver from this. Are there any questions, or would somebody like to share on their process? Does somebody have something to share with us? Nothing. I scare them so quietly. It's a lot of information. okay so six and seven an overview of step six and step seven for me this is what i learned is that step six we're entirely ready to have god remove my defects and step seven humbly ask him to remove my shortcomings six and seven are like night and day six my defects is that i'm doing things that I have no business doing and shortcomings are things that I should be doing that I'm still not doing. So the first six steps are to remove the old character, and the next six steps are for the new character to be the new woman, to walk in the sunlight with God. So there's been a tremendous amount of excavation and digging and rearranging and putting on new glasses and getting new thoughts and new concepts and new ideas. And again, this is a lifelong process, but those first six steps you've done thoroughly, I should be having a real experience now. People can see something's changed. Wow. You know, that woman's in AA and she's doing the deal and I can tell she's happier. She's freer. She'S not cussing so much. SheS not hating. It doesn't even seem like she's mad about you know the blah blah blah and I start to have a real inward experience that when I look at my defects and I ask God to remove them sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly but what we're looking for is that constant improvement is that there is improvement even if it's just small improvement let's just say it's I don't know anything from the shopping, to the porn, to the eating, to the cussing, to the hating, to whatever, that I can check my track record. I can see six months ago it was definitely worse than it is now, you know, because these defects are what are ceaselessly going to devour the foundation for a new life today and they're going to take me out of the game and self might tell me something like, God, this stuff's never going to go away. I'm always going to be muscling up and arguing and wrestling with my lower nature and these character defects, but if I really get self-honest and I look there probably is a way to detect that there has been improvement and that's all I'm looking for and again sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly in step seven where I have shortcomings and I'm coming up short you know humility is in in the 12 and 12 it talks about it's the desire to seek and do God's will and again each step is their designed to get me closer and closer and closer to God and in step seven most of the time naturally I start to become a giver all by itself it starts to unfold I'm more patient I'm more generous I'm kinder I look at people that used to really disturb me or trigger me and there's just nothing there anymore or I actually can feel some real love or real compassion for a fellow where there was just nothing going on before nothing but frustration or hatred you know and and and going the extra mile you know i like i said earlier when there's abundance in my life that i can really help other people you know that i'm willing to really be of service you know maybe even in an outside issue in aa you know help somebody in a way that's not aa like and so often we'll see people come into the rooms that just have so much more problems than alcoholism I mean, they're really tore up, messed up, mentally defective, you know. And my first instinct would be like, oh, my God, run. I don't even want to. You know, some of them just by the look of them they drain you. It's like, oyoyoy, oyoyooy. And God helps me in step seven be much more patient with those people with the hardest cases, with the ones that nobody wants to help, nobody even wants to sit next to, nobody wants to be around. And I clearly start to see like, wow, you know, my shortcomings are opening up. I'm not coming up short. I am going further in the application. I am going farther in the day. I're starting to do things I never would have done before. I'm starting to behave in a way that's so miraculous. And even the way I treated somebody in a good way. Last year, I've gone even further this year. I can definitely feel that my love and my compassion for my fellows is opening up more and more and as I go deeper into the steps and I go further into the spiritual life with God and the 12 steps. And so like I said before, it's constant improvement and it's looking for improvement, but I really want to see that what am I still resisting as far as the human race? You know, who am I Still Not Forgiving? And sometimes it's so subtle, like I could even think that a resentment's been lifted, but I'll see how I'll dodge a certain person. I'll just feel that reaction. I'll feel that knee-jerk thing. And I'll ?????? stop and pause for a minute, like, wow, I thought that was gone. You know, God help me. Help me with my eye contact. Help me mit my body language. Help that not be there. Those subtleties and the awareness of those subtletIES are so important for me to keep checking my track record, to keep taking my temperature on a moment-by-moment basis, to keep growing and growing and glowing towards the sunlight. Who would like to share? Would somebody like to? Share on one of these later steps, the fourth step or the fifth step, or any experience or a question? Right back there. Come on up. I'm an alcoholic named Bill. Hi, Bill. Astrid, last night you were talking about transcending versus aligning my will with God's will. And then you were talking a little bit about that this morning too and I relate that especially to step six and seven. And I'm wondering if you could talk again about the difference because to me step six is cooperating with God and step seven is asking to have stuff removed that I can't do on my own. And I don't know whether that's transcending, like jumping over something, or whether that is trying to change direction in a line. Right. Well, we want to get back into the instincts of sex security and my desire to be someone in society. And those instincts are God-given. So they're part of my wired nature, but they far exceed their intended purpose with the average alcoholic. So like it says in the literature, I'm always grabbing for more and wanting more. And the proper use of my will, part of that proper use is to bring those instincts in alignment with God's will. So that fine line between need and greed, how those instincts get spurred is... You know, I gave this analogy earlier, and I'm going to give this to somebody earlier. I'm going to give this analogy again. Okay. Follow me here. Let's just hypothetically say that me and you and somebody else are in the room. And then this person walks in with birthday invitations and they give that guy one and me one, and they don't give you anything. Okay. And you feel immediately that, okay, before there's even a story in the mind, the ego and its sense for security and its desire to be someone in society gets triggered. now I'm up on my muscle and I instantly start to have a self-talk so the instinct for my security and my ego get triggered and now I start self-taking oh really oh is that so and then I go flying off into a character defect and I just snub the person and I treat them badly and then I go out to lunch with my friends and I'm an a-hole and I am completely disconnected So I want to bring those instincts into alignment with God's will for me. So the instinct for security, I want it to be in with God. So when somebody else gets picked and I don't get picked or someone gets invited and I do not get invited, God, please help me stay in humility. I do NOT need to be looked at or picked or treated a certain way. I can be okay in the moment that I am in. the other aspect is just to you know in daily life so much gets thrown at us we have paychecks many of us have we're in relationships we have wives husbands cars bank accounts blah blah blah and those things need to be looked at and balanced very carefully so how do i bring balance into my life in any of those areas is one question and then another question is what can i look at that Actually, I could just transcend. I could juste hop over and get rid of all of this. So each individual thing needs to be taken into great consideration and then your truth and my truth are going to be different. I don't desire to ever own property again. I don' t even know if I'll ever be in a relationship again. I haven' t been in one and I'm not looking for a mate. You might be on Match.com looking and looking because a wife is really important to you. So I would say, I've hopped out and I've hopped up because God's helped me to do that and I'm completely done with that instinct. Like, I don't desire to be in a relationship but how can you be searching for a mate and have an open mind and not have this repetitive urgency like, hey man, do you know anyone that you can set me up with? And I've been on the computer all night and I haven't been on eight dates and all these bitches and witches and blah, blah, bla, blah. You can allow yourself to unfold and allow somebody to come into your life. So where is the urgency and where is The Open Space to be receptive? And then on the other path, where has it been completely transcended and that particular aspect of the instinct isn't even there anymore? It's not even there. So I know this is a lot of information and it might get real tricky for you guys to follow, but it's definitely two different things and each of them have to be considered. you know there are people that really really want a summer home and a winter home and there's nothing wrong with wanting that at all so how are we going to be bi-coastal how are we going have two houses and what's the fine line between need and greed and is this God's will for us and do we have enough money to do this or am I pushing and shoving and borrowing and scrimping and saving to try to make this thing happen and if it doesn't happen I'm going to go crazy because i have a mental movie of how my future is supposed to be so if i bring that instinct into alignment with god's will and i keep focusing on this is what i'd really like and if it's your will for me god could you help me achieve this it'll either be achieved or it won't be achieved i don't have the desire to be bi-coastal or own two homes so i've transcended even ever owning property that idea isn't there for me so i have left less to spin out on the path that God's put me on is often very different from a lot of people's paths they would rather bring their their instincts into alignment with God's will I would prefer to transcend them and that's just the way God's called me it's very easy for me to just throw it all away I don't need to take it you know you want to argue over whatever the ring the family jewelry that this take it have it have it all it's okay no problem and I really feel good in that area so like I said each individual thing needs to be considered and looked at very carefully and then getting self-honest and seeing, is there an urgency in there? And then bringing those instincts into balance with God's will. I hope I was helpful with that. Yeah. Hi, my name is Marianne. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Astrid. Thank you so much for being here. My question comes from the reacting, responding, pausing you know getting to that point where there's actually a second of time of reflection you know before i react because that you know that's what my ego does my ego reacts you know and i have to react first before i can say oh wait a minute i'm reacting you know i'd like to tell you to talk a little bit about that pause that that moment of reflection that space right how to give that to myself yeah you know well in step 10 on i think it's on page 90 and somewhere in here where it's a spiritual axiom that anytime I'm disturbed no matter what it's page 90 it's an axioma that I don't want to be disturbed it's spiritual ax?om that every time I'm disturbed no mater what the cause there's something wrong with me and it's my ego that's what's wrong with me and so if somebody hurts me and i'm sore i am in the wrong also but are there no exceptions to this rule what about justifiable anger if somebody cheats me aren't i entitled to be mad can't i be properly angry with self-righteous folk for us of aa these are dangerous exceptions we have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it so there's the principle you know bill saying that anytime i'm disturbed anytime i'M TRIGGERED THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME no matter how severely i'm triggered there's something wrong now there is a little cheating window i'm going to give you okay sometimes what's wrong with me is something is so damn unacceptable that i got to get the hell out of here sometimes the situation is so you bet there's nothing wrong with you and i can't accept that this situation is such a big deal so instead of fighting and resisting and trying to plant myself there i move the other way but the question was how not to take the bait so i wake up and i start to really watch the mind function and i started to notice my inner stirrings and the minute i have a knee-jerk reaction to anything i'm awake i'm like whoa what was that what was that and i back down and i say god can you please protect me from my mind because i'm just about to go into alcoholism and when i back down, it allows for the space of grace to come in. That's the proper use of my will is to practice the restraint strain of pen and tongue or to pause when doubtful or agitated, to learn how to press the pause button. That is the absolute perfect use of My Will is to back down and allow for a space of, oh my gosh, I'm about to get into some serious trouble. So it's a practice and it's a lifelong practice. And like we were saying before, you can put a rubber band on your wrist, you know, or put a ring backwards or put little, you know post-its and things like that up so that you can remind yourself to go to God. But in the beginning, it's like throwing with your left hand. So it's a hit or a miss and a hitoramiss. The point is not to beat ourselves up the point is that we have progress rather than perfection and some days are great where i'm just so on the mark and i've babysat every single thought in other days you know it's like two or three times in a row oh my gosh you know got into alcoholism slipped into it again and slipped into it again but the they say that there's one that has all power and that one is god may i find him now now means right now means Right Now means Right now it never means then it means now so the continuous now moment is my porthole to the fourth dimension or the space where the ego can reside and come back in. And I can ask God to strengthen me in that area. I can say, God, I really am willing to do this, but I don't know how to go the extra mile. Can you help me wake up and start watching my mind? And like I said earlier, to write the most repetitive thoughts out now when those ones come in, it's like, oh my God, I have you on paper. Oh, here comes the overweight card the sugar card the i hate the driver's card the whatever it is and i instantly go oh my god i'm catching the mouse in the house it gets exciting look it's my opportunity to go to god yeah thanks is there another question back there kyle and then okay please deal uh first of all you were that imperious desire to be bonded to another human being call it relationship i was about it was about a year before i met my wonderful bride and i'm sitting in a park this beautiful summer day spring day actually you know the birds are chasing each other and the squirrels were chasing even the earthworms are doing it and i was so lonely. And I went to my sponsor, and I whined, of course, and told him how I was feeling with this loneliness. And he just looked at me quizzically, and he says, so let me get this straight. You want to walk up to some beautiful young woman and say, hi, my name's Kyle. I'm an emotional bag of shit. You wanna date? He suggested that I might like to grow up a little bit first. And I think that's when we really started getting into some real in-depth stuff in the steps. And with six and seven, I was very confused. Why do we have two steps that are about the same thing? And as usually he'd call me an intellectual giant with a common sense of offense post. And he said they're not the same. He says in step six, you are asking for these defects in your character, those parts of your character that become defective. You're asking for those things to be repaired. He says when we're talking about our shortcomings, He says, what we're talking about is our inability or unwillingness to do something about this defective character. He says the unwillingness is simple. You pray for it. You pray f�r die Willingness. He said, but that inability, that's the tough one because if we're unable, it means we don't know what needs to be fixed. So he says we need to grow up and we need learn about this. That was really good for him. Yeah, thanks, Kyle. That's really good. That's such a great example. This young lady back here, have you had your hand up? No? Oh, okay. Did somebody else have a question over here? I'm John. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, John. And I just love one of my favorites is Chuck Chamberlain. And when he relates to this step, he says, how do you know you no longer have your defects? He says, because I no longer happen. They're not manifesting in my life. I just loved that. Thank you so much. Beautiful. Yeah, some of them do just go. they're not there anymore thanks so much somebody else my name is doug and i am an alcoholic i just kind of had a quick story too and my sponsor kind of shared the same way with me um and simplified six six and seven um as like you said um um doing what you know you're supposed to do and seven, not doing what you know you're not supposed to do. And I got that. It made sense to me. And sometimes it's easier than others and some days are better than others. And there was this one particular day I had gone to Target to go shopping and it was just one of those kind of days where I'm really trying to do better and it's rebellion dog every step of the way and I'm pushing the shopping cart out to the car. And he used the example as doing what you know you're supposed to do, you know, put the shopping card in the shopping car holder. And I'm pushin' the shopping kart out there and I'M thinkin', crap, I gotta put it away. You know, I got a, you know... Okay, I'm doin' this AA thing, I don't wanna drink, blah, blah. And it's like I'm pushed in this thing and I say, I'm just irritated goin' out to this car and it's like, I've got to put this stupid shopping cart away and all this kind of stuff. I'm not grateful because I have a vehicle to put groceries in and I'm getting groceries. Not there, but it's just like, I've Got to Put This Thing Away. And so it's Like, But Are You Willing? It's like Yeah, I'm willing. I'm going to resent the whole way over there. And for me it's But I Was Willing To Do It and what happened was I put the stuff away, I got the shopping cart and as soon as I turned this elderly couple walked by me and said, Can We Take That For You? and i just about burst into tears you know they're looking at me like what the heck you know and it's like you know all i have to do is be willing and god will step in and and and do what i can't for myself and that was just one of those things like okay i get this all right this is a great demonstration i love that very nice is there over here I'm Dave an alcoholic this has been a great weekend I've heard a lot of great things I've learned a lot of stuff that I'm going to be able to use for myself and hopefully others but what I really like is the fact that you took God out of the sky and put him in the basement and to me that is about the power comes up through me metaphorically in the basement but in here and uh that to me is humbly asking god remove my shortcomings and the the last guy or the guy before him mentioned it And humility for me is aligning myself with God and becoming a partner. And that's where it comes from within me. And that is when I can be most effective. And that Is when things really start clicking for me. i'm pushing a shopping cart and heading out to the shopping cart thing and two people come up and go i'll take that off your hands and uh um it's amazing how things click like that for me in my life when i get myself out of the way um my will um and uh as you're talking and we were talking at lunch and it's It's like it sounds so simple. The formula is just so simple and so easy, but another thing I really valued this weekend is the prayer about God protect me from my mind because I overuse mine. And where it takes me is I'm fine. And it's the world and all the people in it that are wrong. And so thank you. Thanks so much. Was there another hand? Somebody want to share anything on six and seven? Those are great demonstrations. Wow. So as I moved into step eight and I make this list of the people that I've harmed, You know, some of them are on my resentment list and some of them are not, you know, and again, this is an area that I had difficulty in being self-honest. And sometimes in a resentment, I mean, in a harm, I don't even realize how much I've harmed somebody. Like most people don't tell you how severely you've hurt them until you approach them. You know? People hold back the way our society is structured is, you know, we sweep things under the rug or we don't communicate or we say it's fine, it's fine, and, you know, especially in untreated alcoholism with the phenomenon of craving going and then a lot of drinking, there's been a tremendous amount of harm done. So much harm that often the bridges back to safety for family members, some of them are burned permanently, there is just no way back, you now, siblings, aunts, uncles, parents, husbands, wives, children. Some of that stuff can be so severely damaged that even in making a list people can't seem to get back and you know I think that the street goes both ways when I'm willing to make amends. I thinkthat the amends is first and foremost to free the person from the bondage they had with me and secondly if God be willing free the bondages that I have from that person and you know in eight i'm just becoming willing you know i'm i'm making a list of these people i haven't done anything yet at all i'm ?????? writing them down on a piece of paper and i do believe that it's a lifelong process you know and how my sponsor had me do it was just get a like a five by seven card or three by five card and write down the harm and the person's name and their phone number or their contact information um on the back like a brief you know summary of what i did you know how did i affect you you know what can i do to set this matter straight i'm a sober member of aa and i'm here to make amends for the harm i'm consciously aware of and you know that's a really tall order this is where a lot of people get stuck i think possibly people even get more stuck here than they do in that fourth step of writing an inventory this is a really difficult one and this is where my relationship with god continues to get bigger and bigger and big bigger and bigger. And, um, in this step, in the eight and the ninth step, there's no way I can do this without God. I cannot go to my enemies and straighten these things out without a power. There's just self is never, the ego is never ever, ever going to do it, you know? And I've seen so many things transformed in people's lives. And I'm also seeing nothing happen. And i've seen people say, get off of my property. You know, the outcome, I don't know. It's very random. I mean, who knows what's going to happen and who knows how much freedom, but it's that I became willing and I, you know, and I went and I made the amends, you Know, and that step I'd love to hear if somebody had some really great experiences and outcomes or something where that was just so unforeseen they could have never ever imagined in their wildest dreams. So if you have a great a men's story. I'd love to hear it. Come on up. There we go. Actually, I have a question. Okay. I know you're kind of following the big book, definitely, but do you really think it's important that you have to say you're a member of AA? Well, it says in the print, thanks for the question, It says in the print that I face these people squarely and I tell them that this is what I'm there to do. So, you know, except when to do so would injure them or others, you take the temperature. If you're feeling like breaking your anonymity might be hurtful, I don't think it has to be etched in stone. I have to tell everybody, you Know, what if it's at work and I work for some big corporation and I don' t want them to know that I used to drink vodka and stick needles in my arms? then okay you know we omit that so i would say that that's not an absolute you know it's just to clean it up and to straighten things out anyway come on up kyle and let us know what your amends was it had to do with my uh my first wife and uh i've done several amends before in fact i had one of the worst ones ever go really bad and that was a good thing but uh i wanted to clear this stuff up with my ex-wife. So when we were married, we had amassed a lot. We had a lot of property, businesses and all this stuff. And when we divorced, being the wonderful person I am in the middle of my alcoholism, I told the judge she could have everything and she got everything. So my thinking, and I had specific instructions, you go to her and you tell her, I know I've harmed you physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially. and I did that I went and I told her that but see the motive back here was she's going to give me half of everything back because I'm so wonderful now and she didn't and I went back to my sponsor and I complained about it he asked me he says you really expected her to give you half of that back I said well yeah he says now you got to go back and do another amend you got into the first one correctly now you gotta go back and tell her what you had done and I asked her very simply like, what do I need to do to make this right in your heart? And that woman put her arms around me and just simply said, just be the man you know your creator wants you to be. It was beautiful. It was awesome. Thank you so much. That's beautiful. Does somebody else want to share one of their men's stories with us? I'm Lorraine, and I am an alcoholic. Hi, Lorraine. Thank you. Thank you very much. I've really enjoyed this. a little while ago I think sometime this morning you said something about getting our way by fighting through and you know trying to arrange everything well I was real serious in step eight and nine I mean I was sincere I was praying you know God let me make amends and and I had one amends where uh one of my ex-husbands had died and I knew I needed to make amens but I couldn't figure out how and i kept trying to put something together and nothing was ever working out ever and i just knew in my heart that god would let me know the time and the place and what happened was i was in santa rosa one day out of the blue i just get this idea to find the cemetery and i found it totally guided and um i found his headstone i didn't know what to do then And, you know, I thought maybe like the movies, throw myself down and do all this stuff. But there were guys over there, and I didn't want them to see me. So I'm standing there wondering what God wants me to do. And I looked at the headstone right next to his. And it was his younger brother that had caused huge pain in our family, huge pain. And he had died before he was 21. and i just totally forgave him i was washed over with forgiveness and when i went i drove home crying all the way and um my sons were there and they were the ones that were so damaged and i told them and they healed and they forgave because he was so young and he had no time to get to get a good life and that was because i quit trying to put it together i trusted in god and i was sincere and willing to do whatever god wanted me to do to clean up the hurts of my past so beautiful thank you so much my name is bridget i'm an alcoholic hi i have this one um i worked for a barber and i'm a hair designer and um when i was drinking he he wanted us to dress kind of like hooter girls and you know and i'm just like oh i hate him so much and i'll get back with them and so he would leave for lunch and i would as soon as his taillights would leave i'd go get us food and then come back and then when he came back from lunch i'd take another lunch you know so i do two lunches two hours and And when he was gone on Mondays, I would pocket all the money. And I hit my bottom and went and worked somewhere else. And what I did was took a black marker, one of those permanent markers in my column where all of my appointments were. Through all the years, I took the black marker and marked off all of the clients in phone numbers. And one of my friends that I was drinking with said, he's going to press charges against you because you defaced his records. And I was like, oh, my God, I didn't know it was that bad, you know? And so I ended up opening my own place. And I got sober and I called to make an amends to him. I didn'T even know what I was doing and just said, hey, George, I'm sorry for what I did. and there was just dead silence. And as I stayed sober a couple years later, it still didn't feel right because he was really a good man. You know, he took care of my well-being. He knew I was putting myself in dangerous situations and bought tires for my car, and I was like a daughter to him. And so I ran this by my sponsor, and we did some deep work, and she said, Well, so you not only stole money, you stole his time. And you did this, and we came up with an amount of money that I owed him. And reasonable, you know, went back through the years. And so I called him to make an appointment to see if I could talk to him. And I waited in the lobby and read a newspaper, and I was crying as he's cutting, you now, hair. And he was done, and I told him that I had come to make amends to him, that I was wrong for what I had done. and he listened, and I told him that I wanted to pay him back and came up with a certain amount of money, and I wanted it to make monthly payments to him. And he looked at me, and he said, so what you're telling me is you finally grew up. He said, that's all we ever wanted for you. And he asked how my mom and dad were, how my daughter was. And my husband and I were at a conference a couple years ago, when he died. And, um, he did hair for 57 years and I learned all the good stuff that I did, you know, my, all of my skills from him. And one of my friends brought me his obituary and it said world's best barber on it. And after he died, his wife became my client and she said no one ever cut my hair but george and i said well she said you're the only one i could think of to come to so i want to be your client now and i got to tell her i said i learned from the best and it was just it was juste incredible it was yeah thanks you know my um probably my my strongest amends is a living amends to my daughter i um i left for three years and i didn't even see her face from when she was 11 12 and 13 and that's a huge span of time for a child of that age i mean that's tremendous amount of trauma and she also knew that her mom was wasted in the street and in and out of jail. And, you know, I come back and there's a lot of damage and I want to correct it. And going to her and making amends, she was young enough where she couldn't box it out with me and say, you don't know how much that hurt me, you now. And maybe she never will. She's always said, why would I be mad you finally came back? you know why would I be upset and um I leave a very open space though for her to ever say you know now I have abandonment issues or actually I changed my mind and you have screwed me up you know I'm always taking her emotional temperature and talking to her about everything and you know some of the things that I do today is that I'm there for her like when the phone rings and she calls I always pick it up even if I'm in the middle of a massage with a patient or something I'm really there for her and um I support her and I care for her you know and she took out four years of college loans and I've paid off pretty much her entire education you know so I was able to like put her through college and she remained in private school even when I was in the street and I came back and I made financial amends for all of that stuff I I paid back the people that paid for her school. I paid for Her Braces. You know, when I was in the street, I used to shoplift at Trader Joe's. I sent them an anonymous check. You know? I've cleaned and cleaned and cleaned up stuff, you know? I've gone to my family and I've told them I'm sorry. And truthfully, even though they say they accept my apology, there's definitely still tension there and I don't know that it'll ever be fixed. Sometimes I'm in a really surrendered state about it And other times I'm just, like, really sad and anxious and angry. And, you know, the thing with my mom is probably still the hardest. It's not an easy road with her. She's very combative and argumentative, and she's not warm, and she'S not fuzzy and cozy. And, You know, I've had people in AA go, You know what? Just go and be of service to your mom. It's Not About You Anymore. It's still such a toxic situation for me that I don't go and be of service and put my head on her chopping board and have her slice and dice me up because when I go into that arena, I often can get very triggered and it can take not days but actually weeks to get it off of me. And I know that this is not in the AA literature what I'm about to say but I've had a tremendous amount of relief from it. The abuse and the neglect that I've endured with my mom. I've tried all the imaginable ways with AA to remedy it and I have made the decision with God to remove myself from my mom I've caused enough damage and enough harm and right now in my heart my heart says I'm not going to any more Christmases any more Thanksgivings any more New Years I'm done and that's between me and my God and I can tell you this why do I know that's the right thing because when I finally made that decision, I could breathe again and I wasn't suffocating on how is this going to happen or God, I just wish it would be okay. Or will she ever love me? You know, my mom's a war survivor from Nazi occupied Germany. She's incredibly damaged. She's narcissistic because she had to grow a narcissistic personality. She couldn't be soft. She couldn'T be empathetic. She had to struggle for her life. And I can have compassion for that area, but that doesn't mean that I have to continuously put myself in the line of her fire. So making amends and cleaning stuff up doesn't mean that i have to go back in And try to rearrange the dots and create a new relationship because some some things just aren't ever ever ever Going to be the brady bunch ducky fluffy bunny kind of puppy thing It is what it is and you know because i have a big god god protects me and god watches over me and you know even all this nonsense of but it's family i don't care but what it is you know that doesn't that doesn'T mean anything in god's world painful situations and abuse and neglect or abuse and I don't want to make my mom wrong anymore it just is what it IS and And, you know, I have to live with it the way it is. I don't want to go in there anymore. I go in and I get fired at every single time. My mom never hugs me. She's never told me that I'm beautiful. She has no idea that I am here. She thinks that AA is for losers. She has a thick German accent. Well, you are the kind of people who hang around this. I don' t even want to have it around me. You know, she's just like that. so she can't see me and she's never going to see me i've never been seen by her i never mattered even when i was little i would say i have an ear infection my ear hurts and she'd say come on get your shoes on you have to go to school she never saw me then and she doesn't see us now and that's not in the literature i mean there's definitely more to go for and i'm never recommending anyone to throw away a family member it was a huge decision through a lot of pain for me to completely remove myself from her and say, this is enough. And it's not all bitchy and mean like, oh no, I'm never talking to her again. She wouldn't ever call unless I call. She has no desire to really have a relationship with me. Me being a sober member in Alcoholics Anonymous, I really wanted to correct the situation and self kept saying we can do it, you know, thinking that God was in there, but nothing was happening. You know, I'd get one step up and two steps back and I'd go in and hang out with her. And sometimes I'd come out riddled with bullets and other times I'd Come out. Okay. And, you know, it was such a hit or miss for me that the best choice that I could make was to remove myself from the situation. So, you Know, it's not cut and dry and there's so much to be considered each person's Interaction and relationship has to be consider very very carefully and That's where sponsorship and direction is one thing but in these areas to thine own self be true you know and like i said before i've had friends are like just go be of service to her and i'm thinking wow you don't see me either you have no idea how much emotional pain i've suffered and i still suffer i cannot just go b of service i can't demonstrate some place that i'm not at it's a very painful situation you know maybe that pain is still the touchstone there for me to the spiritual progress because i would love to have transcended it and to tell you that it's different, but it's not different. That's who I am in Alcoholics Anonymous. Will my mom ever give me a cake? No. Does she care that I'm sober? I don't think she ever thinks about it one way or the other. I don'T think it means anything to her at all. Is my recovery important to her? No, the things that are so important to me that I value in my life so much she can't see. She'll never see. I don't want to be in the presence of someone that's so unwilling to look at me, and every time their eyes shine on me, they turn me back into a toad. That's not what God wants for me today in my life. God wants me to rise above, and it was a huge decision, but I can tell you I've gotten so much relief from actually walking away from my own flesh and blood that's an amazing thing to say from a podium in alcoholics anonymous this isn't a joke man this was something that took a lot of preparation and application and self-seeking and inventorying over and over so everything isn't like it appears to be you know some cut and dry idea you know with a sponsor throwing you back into the lion's den come on you know put on your spiritual boxing gloves buck up it's not like that you know does that somebody else have something they want to share marion i'm an alcoholic hi marian um my mother too is a war child survived nazi germany she's born in 1944 in chemnitz and you know you just told my story uh i came into alcoholics anonymous six years ago, I didn't even recognize the harm that my mother had done. And the other thing that I didn�t recognize when I did start to recognize the harm and the damage was I didn�t see her. I didn�d see her as that little child, that starving little child. But even though I wanted to have empathy and compassion for my mom and even though �I do,� you know, the anger still lives in there. And my sponsor told me that that's okay. My sponsor told me that it's alright to walk away. My sponsor said it was okay that I could stay as long as I needed to and when I needed to go, I could go. And thank God for that. We're talking about amends one more time because I walked around I didn't speak to my dad for 12 years because I pointed at him and my mom pointed at him and it was all his fault And today, I'd like to say that I made amends to my father. We've been able to have a relationship in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, he lives in Florida, and I bought my first house in February this year, and my dad and his wife came out and stripped wallpaper and painted. I mean, that's what AlcoholicsAnonymous has given me. And it's amazing, amazing grace that I have been ableto feel. Anyway, thank you. Thanks so much. You know, Marion, the process that I went through, I was so, so, so angry, that same kind of anger with my mom. And as I started to make the decision that she couldn't be in my life and I couldn't been her life anymore, something really unusual started to happen that I couldn't have foreseen. The anger started to turn into grief, and I could not stop crying. I would say for about four months this past inventory, I just cried every single day at every meeting. And I believe what was happening is that even though my mom's not dead, she was really dying. I was really grieving that I've lost my mom, that I'll never have a mom, that I never had a mom. I always raised myself. You know, in some ways it's like no wonder I was an alcoholic because the pain that I endured started way before I ever picked up a drink. the rejection and the self-esteem issues and then behavioral problems in school and not fitting in anywhere and never feeling nurtured and loved you know when I inventoried this I came to this realization that I never felt safe anywhere like I never just had this safe like ah bed or nest to lay in where I felt comforted by anybody anyone in my whole childhood that's what the relationship with God has given me. I can close my eyes today and I can dial into a place that feels safer than anything before, but the disruption that was created in early childhood and the trauma throughout my life, it's so hard to see the truth about that because we don't know anything else but that. But as I start to bring my instincts and my will into alignment with God's will it becomes very clear that no child should ever endure that stuff that is just not right that i can actually use the word it's bad it's a bad thing it's sad thing and it's not to make her wrong like the hatred and the anger is gone the grief and the sadness that will never connect that you know this doesn't come from my ego but i can tell you that my mom doesn't deserve to have a daughter like me. She just doesn't, you know? She doesn't want any part of me. She can't see me. I haven't lied or cheated or stolen in so long. I work so hard. I make a good living. I don't borrow money. I don't treat people badly. I do not hate. I do not character assassinate. I vibrate at such a higher frequency than the average Joe and my mom still looks at me and her glasses are broken and bent she sees somebody in something that's not there and i'm sure a lot of people can relate to this these people from our past look at the old character and that's all they remember there's no amount of demonstration that can fix those goggles and for me the best thing was i'm going this way and you can stay over here and that pain is the touchstone to a tremendous amount of spiritual progress for me. I never thought that I would be in this position, but I can tell you it's been incredibly freeing. And when I think about Christmas and when I Think about Thanksgiving for the first time in my life, I think, God, I'm going to the Bel Air for Thanksgiving and I'm going to eat $140 buffet with my friends on linen and silver. I can't wait. You know? And it's like, I used to think, Oh my God, am I going to be invited to Thanksgiving or am I not going to me invited to thanksgiving is there going to be drama are they going to get drunk am i going to be yelled at and my whole view of the holidays is so different i'm gonna buy an airline ticket and i'm going to go somewhere for christmas so it opened up a whole new realm of possibilities for me anyway i think we're going to take a break for 15 minutes right am i right on schedule yeah and then we'll come back and have i think another hour what do we have here three thirty an hour and 15 minutes left i love the sharing please feel free to come up thank you for listening