The 12 Traditions and Spiritual Survival – 12 Traditions Workshop – Part 8 of 8 – John C.

That's what we're saying. All right, so let's jump back in. We'll talk about Tradition 9. AA is such a never be organized. That's wild. But we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. So I think sometimes we read this and we think, oh, we shouldn't be organized, we shouldn'T be having these like business meetings and following Robert's Rules of Order and all these things, and that's not necessarily what the organization part is referring to. Sometimes when we think of organization, and historically what we have thought as an organization is that there are dues to pay, yearly dues to pay. You get a little membership card or what have you, something like that. We don't do that in Alcoholics Anonymous, right? You're a member if you say you are. So we're not necessarily an organization in that sense. We also are not this organization, as we've talked about too, where this regular kind of triangle structure where we have our leaders up at the top right or our CEOs or COOs and then all the way down to middle management, blah, blah, bla, to the mail room. We're not an organization in that sense of the word. We are completely opposite where you guys are in charge. The AA groups determine how we do things in Alcoholics Anonymous and all the changes that get made come from the group conscience, right? From the group. So that's essentially what that is referring to in there as well. Now I will say there is some discussion too about rotating leadership and how it's important that we continue to rotate, that we don't get stagnant in one position, that we can continue on. And the beauty is that, like, I'm super grateful for that rotation, right ? I'm super grateful that if something were to happen to our treasurer or to our coffee person, that it's okay. We have multiple people that can step in at any moment, right? And just be able to take that over. Also, I think it's good for us because it allows different voices to be at the table and again, that different perspective to hopefully figure out best practices, right, of how we can best carry the message of how you can best do whatever service position that we have. um yeah um yeah i'll pass on thanks i want you to start with this one because it's not as sexy as the other ones oh oh got it that makes sense that tracks i was selfish no i mean i am this is really there is a lot of value in this um and i love what you just kind of talked in And eight, that there is no hierarchy here. There is no corporate structure. And if you're at your first business meeting and you have 34 days of sobriety, your vote counts the same as the guy with 34 years. That's the beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love in Bill's essay, and I hate to be the guide to read to you, but I'm going to. It's just so powerful. And this really explains why we don't need an enforcement squad or a bunch of rules. This is exactly why. Ready? Unless each AA member follows to the best of his own ability or our suggested 12 steps to recovery, he almost certainly signs his own death warrant. His drunkenness and disillusion are not penalties inflicted by people in authority. They result from his personal disobedience to spiritual principles. It's like, it takes care of itself. But then talking about the group, the same stern threat applies to the group itself unless there is approximate, keyword, conformity to AA's 12 traditions, the group too can deteriorate and die. So we have AA must, I'm sorry, so we have AAA, I threw that must in there. We have AA do obey spiritual principles first because we must and ultimately because we love the kind of love such obedience brings us. And this last sentence is, to drop the mic, it's great suffering and great love are AA's disciplinarians. We'd need no others, right? So we don't need this breathalyzer squad at the front door. We don't the spiritual scorekeeper, thank goodness. We don' have any, I mean you could, God forbid, be an axe murderer and still be the group business chairman, right? We have no, if that's the group conscience, Hopefully it's not that much of a recent axe murder, but you get the point. There is no spiritual code of demotion or promotion in here. But thank you for sharing our tradition. This is the easy one, and that's why I wanted you to start with nine. AA has no opinion on outside issues. AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy or into controversy. Because, like I said, most lessons I've learned in here are the wrong way. And a lot of them have been subtle. And, you know, I hope I continue to make mistakes and learn these lessons. You know, one of my jobs as an AA member is to continue to be a seeker and to continue To better understand these things. And, you know, I was – as I told you, I used to go to meetings a lot in D.C., and in D。C., politics is like a blood sport. I mean, it's wild. I'll leave it at that. But the lesson I want to share with you is kind of – you know? It's not just in the one hour of the meeting, you now? Like, I have to make sure I'm available to be of service to anybody. and I was in this meeting. It was about 10 minutes before it started and one guy was talking about a newspaper that has a political leaning. Don't take anything from that. There's two newspapers in D.C. And this guy that he was talking to was getting ready to ask me to be his sponsor. You all know what that looks like, right? We do that in stages. Typically, they interview you a little bit hey can we talk later and you know do you have a sponsor you know he's priming the pump feeling me up and um but before the meeting he said something about you know this newspaper and i said i wouldn't wipe my butt with that newspaper and and and he instantly knew what political party i was from the guy never talked to me again right now you know i don't think that was the right approach on his part But on my part, I don't want to be at a point where I exclude half the universe because of my political opinion or any outside opinion. And so I've got to be really careful in how I run my mouth to newcomers, to the men I sponsor. This guy, a man I very much love, great man. He once told me something about an AA speaker. and like the next five times i heard this asp feel like i didn't listen to a word the guy said you know i mean and it was a total outside issue stuff right like all of it like i said these are all just different guideposts and coming back to how can we best do what we do and that's carry the message of alcoholics anonymous what are the you know what arethe 12 or 11 biggest mistakes that we can make, and that's what they should be entitled, right? Our 12 biggest mistakes, you know, and how to avoid them to go forward. And that's because, as Shannon said, my life depends on it. Like, it's no joke. You know, if I have died spiritually in this program from deviating from these spiritual principles that Bill talks about, you now, I've been 18 years sober thinking shotgun or rifle. What's it going to be tonight? 3 o'clock in the morning. You know? I'm deviating form these spiritual principle. and the group is the same way, you know. So that's all I have to say on tin. I'll leave it to you. Thank you. Yeah, I love tradition tin, right? Because again, we've kind of talked about this. It's hard to talk about one tradition and just one tradition without kind of like, it's like little arms reaching out tentacles, whatever you want to call it, right. But we've talked about this to some extent already in the sense that all we need to really focus on in Alcoholics Anonymous is like our crippling alcohol problem, right? And that's really- And if that's not enough. And the solution, yes of course, of course. But hopefully the solution too, right. But sometimes there's this outside noise, right, whether that comes in the form of politics or whatever, you know, the news, any of it, right any of It. I know we may not necessarily have politics like DC, right but we've got sports teams and I vividly recall being a newcomer like seeing someone come in with not like our rival teams like shirt on or something and i mean i would love to tell you that i like did not judge them and i prayed for and that's not what happened i judged them right like and i didn't listen to anything they said um because how dare you right um uh so so yeah so i even have to be mindful of like what i wear at meetings sometimes right because i don't want um someone to not listen to me uh if that's the message that's going to save their life if just because of something that I'm wearing that really isn't that big of a deal for me to remove right similarly to I can be very involved and I don't think this tradition either is saying that we can't be involved in politics or that we can't be involved sports teams or any type of other movement right yes any type of whatever movement but I think for me it's important to remember that things for me are different than times are different then when I got sober right in the sense that everyone has social media now and for me this isn't for everybody for me its important that I'm not necessarily aligning myself with any particular movement or political party or what have you even on social media right because I see what other people say and I will pray for you if I disagree right you're welcome Anna you know so but but I don't want that to influence I don' t want that to influence anyone's opinion of if they're gonna listen to what I have to say in a meeting or not and I don''t really participate on Facebook a whole lot I don´t actually read a whole lot of Facebook I like Instagram because it's pictures but because for that same reason right it's it's very hard for me to disconnect the thought from the person sometimes and so I just choose not to participate and that's an option too right but but I love this too in this we learned this I would love to tell you that like a figured this out all on their own and really we learned it from another organization the Washingtonians which the essay kind of talks about a bit more right where there was this non-drinking group before us right we weren't the first and and they kind of got into the weeds on politics and different social movement issues at the time and it ripped them apart they went from like zero to a hundred in no time you know or thousand members yeah yeah and then back in no-time right so like they grew astronomically faster than Alcoholics Anonymous did in the beginning remarkably fast which is crazy to think this was like before like social media the news like tv all of that right they grew like nobody's business and then they were gone they were done I didn't even know who they were until I started reading this and I probably would have no reason to know who there were if I wasn't a member of Alcoholics Anonymous right uh and Bill didn't know who he was until someone brought his attention and he like went to the library and read about him you know so um so yeah so they were gone very quickly when when they started uh when they start getting diverted from that primary purpose right um when they started looking else and started maybe thinking that our solution could be applicable to all these different things you know um and potentially it could be but we're just really focused on where we know that it works best right we know that it works in alcoholics anonymous and so keeping it here and cancelling out all the noise which is also really wonderful too because I really love everybody this way you know and it's not important for me to put you in different classes or boxes or what have you right of this is how you are this is how you artists I don't need to do that man we're all on the same team same team right same same wild yeah yeah okay we'll go to tradition 11 our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press radio in films and I love this right I love tradition so we talked about this traditional lot with social media right so we just kind of talked about this a little bit the long form of that tradition maybe encompasses what social medium internet is now we also have guidelines for Internet and those sorts of things that that are published from the general service office but yeah what I think is important in this one is that the question that I asked myself with this tradition is am i making alcoholics anonymous look attractive to the to the newcomer right and my making service look attractive to the newcomer you know do I come back as that to my group as GSR and complain about how long the assembly was and how it was so ridiculous and what I might have felt those things right but like at the end of the day I did the work of alcoholics anonymous hopefully right and participated in the future of Alcoholics Anonymous and so so yeah am i making and I think the question that I get asked a lot as someone being in service is how we can get people more involved that's like the single question that I get asked the most and I would love to tell you like this is the one way you you should do this and like that's it right that would be so easy that would be so the thing that I always fall back to is this tradition though am i making it look attractive am I making it look fun or am I'm making it looks like something I have to do right because for me service is a lot of fun this is where I get to hang out with you guys this is half of my program I feel like right or a third of my programs recovery unity service right and so it's such a huge part and huge benefit that I get from from this right from giving back I think when I was first coming into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I was always afraid there was not enough there's not enough of this or that or whatever right there was enough and I've completely like switched my perspective on that is like there's always enough there there's always enough time for me to come in and share my experience strength and hope there's always enough time for me to pick some, pick a newcomer up before the meeting. There's always enough time für me to go a little bit earlier, stay a little late and help make coffee or clean up or take someone through the book, right? For some reason like God always finds time for these types of things and I don't have to micromanage it, right, like I learned a long time ago that like God's in charge of that. He laughs when I make my cute little plans and designs. He goes, you're so cute! You know, so yeah but it's important for me too to make AA look attractive I think because it is because it right not not putting lipstick on a pig right but maybe lipstick on like a supermodel or whatever so yeah there's there's lots of different facets with with tradition 11 as well but but I love that and I think to how this translates into you know into my work and into my home life and that sort thing is continuing to to make those things attractive right and the second part of this is where it talks about personal in an animated level of press radio and films it's important for me not to take credit that's what that tells me too right because I don't know if you were like me but if we were like this before I got here and we were not on the same team you may not have known this but I was keeping score every time I would do something nice for you I would remember that you know sometimes I forget if you did something nice from me but I would when I did something nice for you you know and and I also if I did something nice for you I wanted the credit for that actually and you were so great for you know taking out the trash or some nonsense right like that you are only I could be as half as good as you one day right I wanted that credit I wanted that credit or I wanted to be recognized and that's not important for me anymore today right something has happened where I realized that whatever accolade or whatever time I give or whatever like that's not me that's like that God that's you guys that's something else that's my own devices I'm like selfish self-centered in a room by myself drinking and dying you know what I mean so but it's important that I don't have to keep credit or take credit for things. I don't have to take score. I don' t have to do that, right? With my husband I don''t have to be like well I did three loads of laundry can you just like please do the next three? You know? I don ''t have to do that, right? Like it just gets done and it's fine. Whichever one of us can take it at any given point, like that's great. That's so good, right? I'm so grateful it gets done. So yeah, I think I'll probably pause there and save some time for you. Thanks. You know, this tradition, again, going back to the conversation of protecting us from our best motives, right? It's easy as somebody who early in recovery or early in learning the traditions to say, man, why not spread this word faster with social media and I'm going to post my chip on my, you know, MySpace page or whatever it is y'all do. because think of how many more people i will help right that's a really good motive and i think there's also and the but the principle behind that is that when someone publicly as we know the success rate in sobriety is not 100 percent right so the most famous guy in the world goes on TV and MySpace, and I'm an AA, blah, blah. The next day he's drunk and kills somebody drunk driving. The average person goes, hey, something doesn't work, man. Look at Bill. He just killed somebody. You know what I mean? So there's that aspect to it. And there was also the early aspect when they were worried about being overwhelmed with responses that they couldn't handle. But I like what you talked about, the anonymity side of getting credit. Now, Bill really describes two types of anonymity. In Tradition 11, it says personal anonymity, and in Tradition 12, it's spiritual anonymity which I really like talking about, but I have to, as an individual, watch for this idea of self-promotion. Everyone loves applause and wants to be needed and all the rest. I'm the guy that wants to Be Asked to do something like this, but I really don't want to do it. I just want to be asked. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't want to go up here and do this for three hours. I just wanted you to ask me, you know. I'll be honest, there's three, and I don' t know where this is going, but we got a lot of time, so. There are three things that really make me uncomfortable in Alcoholics Anonymous. One is sponsoring a guy with more time than I do. It always feels kind of weird at the beginning, but that gets taken care of, you Know, once you figure out, oh, well, it's just the same. The second is using an interpreter to tell your story. That's awful. If you haven't done it, Just go on to a Zoom meeting and you'll see. It's awful. That's very uncomfortable. And the third is doing, you know, kind of leading a tradition discussion. I always feel kind of inadequate in doing traditions, workshops or meetings or conversations. And I remember talking to my sponsor about that. And I said, you're just not comfortable. You know, they need to get somebody else to do this. It wasn't about this weekend. It was about another one. And he said, I'm really glad that's your perspective. I said what do you mean? He said, well, if you ever become an expert, you know, tradition workshop gear, I want you to throw my number away, you know, and that's a really solid point, right? Like, I need to stay a seeker. I need to stay learning in these traditions, you know, because I'm far from being a master of them, you know. And also in Tradition 11, in Dr. Bob's, Dr. problem of good old-timers, he talks a lot about, you know, we can also equally violate this tradition by forcing anonymity within the group. You know, if, you know, back then obviously they had an operator or I don't even know, they had phone books back then but they weren't googling each other how to find them. But, you know, you can really make yourself unavailable by being anonymous in the meeting. And that doesn't just mean by introducing your last name, you know by being spiritually anonymous by you know keeping what's been given to you you know is violating that tradition as well you know and guy in our home group last week shared something I really touched me and I'd been through it and he was struggling with it and I've been through it and gotten to the other side man I did not want to go talk to this guy afterwards yeah I'm just being honest yeah you know embarrassed to say that but I didn't you know I I wanted to go home, eat some Jenny's birthday cake ice cream, smoke my cigar on the porch. You know, I got there early. I set up the chairs. You know what I mean? Whatever. Anyways. But I did. I went and talked to this guy, and it was a beautiful conversation. And I got much more from it than he did. But that spiritual, that's a violation of this idea of spiritual anonymity. So I think, again, it's one of these things. Just protect us from our best motives. Tradition 12, anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, reminding us to... Oh, I want to go back. I love at the end of Tradition 11 what Bill says about the very last sentence in the 12 and 12. Tradition is a constant and practical reminder that personal ambition has no place in AA. That's pretty clear. In it, each member becomes an active guardian of our fellowship. that's our job an active guardian does not mean policewoman enforcer judge prosecutor investigator right just a guardian you know you know and so what's the difference between those two things you know this thing is a guardian and an enforcer you know you violate traditions you're out you know i mean that seems that seems very grotesque thing but like how many people have we cut out of our lives because they do something we think is stupid dumb wrong you know you disagree with their interpretation of oh that's just that's bs yeah i'm not you know and you stop listening you know how many people have you cut yourself off from in growing and how many people have he cut yourself all from in in being of service so um And I cherish that sentence, my job not to be a, and how he phrases that, an active guardian, not a couch potato guardian, you know, take some calls from sponsees, tell them how they should do things. You know, I talk about this a lot. I get to run my mouth in AA a lot for some reason. And a lot of times at some conferences and stuff, people, you have line shaking your hands and stuff. And I can't tell you, I mean, how much I've heard this. Some old guy, I won't pick on Larry anymore, but some guy that looks like Jeff over here, you know, back in the line, you know comes to the front and is like, man, I love what you said about sponsorship or taking the meetings, the detox, the prisons. I used to do all that stuff. And one day I'm going to get the courage to say, I bet you used to be pretty happy too. right like the used as my friend tanya says in maryland used to bees don't make no honey right like so i gotta be an active guardian whether i'm 34 days sober or 34 years sober man i can't just i don't spot i mean i've heard we in my home group my uh my wife and i kind of changed roles i've become this may surprise you like a little bit more reserved than what i say a little more quiet learned to hold my mouth back a little bit a little bit and she used to be quiet as a church mouse now she's just filters off a lot and when we were doing an organization meeting for our home group you know beginning business meeting and this guy came and 30 years plus of sobriety and said I don't sponsor guys anymore my wife said man I feel sorry for you you know like so I've got a job imagine if like Bill and Bob got their little booby prize and went on got their mansion in Mercedes which they had the opportunity to do and left this idea of carrying the message so an active guardian back to 12 reminding us to keep principles above personality I mean, there's a lot here. You know, this idea of spiritual anonymity for me is a lot what you talked about of not getting credit, you know. And this is something, you Know, on the relationship side, I try to incorporate in my life every day. Absolutely not. But like, you know, the not keeping score, the doing things that are going to improve my part, my wife, whether it's your wife or your partner's life without any credit whatsoever, without any knowledge whatsoever. My sponsor has ingrained in me there's a spiritual law that you cannot give without receiving and you cannot receive without giving. And, you know, I know that any blessing I have in my life today is just a gift that's supposed to be passed on. I don't, you Know, I try to live my life that way, You know, and there's a lot of ways to express that both in the program and not program stuff in our everyday lives. um you know spiritual anonymity is you can take this to so many depths of like what i talked about earlier of the the not not excluding somebody from your life or not stop listening to what they say because they've done one thing stupid or they said one thing stupid to me i mean everyone does that right and i in your home group right there's a guy that every time he opens his mouth you go oh right I mean you might not pick up your phone but up here you've picked up your phone right and me too right and it's just so short sighted you know going back to this idea of love and service you know that's what spiritual anonymity is I love you regardless of what you've done or what you've said, I love you the same. That doesn't always look the same but I have to surrender this need to be right and this need to be powerful and this needs to be effective and this idea of principles above personality is really just a culmination of utilizing the rest of these steps. Bill says in this reading that humility is expressed by our anonymity you know and I love showing my new guys and I've loved showing my kids how to do that right like you know next time you're in a chick-fil-a and you look behind you and there's a woman with five screaming kids and the car looks like it's from the late 70s you know buy their dinner as you go through and just keep on going without the thanks you know I know there's not many parking meters left but you know my sponsors tell me you know put your money in an expired parking meter you know do something for somebody else that you're not gonna be seen or not gonna to be called for and you know because I've been the beneficiary of that right like this is kind of a related story I you know you had those little aha moments of we learn a lesson my my partner and I were at this fancy lunch having having lunch and and the service was awful I mean just got off we're sitting at the bar yeah it's pretty pricey lunch 100 bucks 125 bucks for the two of us and um you know that the cloth napkin wasn't there and the knives and forks weren't there our drinks you know brass the whole thing was a complete s show and he starts getting kind of worked up and i get started getting irritated lunch comes out it's wrong his is wrong whatever and so he's like let's get out of here and i you know i always paid the bills for the company and so you know I gave her the credit card and and and lunch was about 100 bucks whatever and I tipped her a hundred bucks and he said we got in the car he said what now is wrong and I said well I've been over tipped for bad service my entire life you know like and that's the truth right like if we all got what we deserved you know we wouldn't be sitting here and what had it happened to me in that brief moment because my first instinct is zero and some advice on how be a waitress you know but like in that moment I had an opportunity to express one or two emotions right like to punish or to try to love and obviously you know the only way that I could be kind and forgiveness and merciful and that in that arena was financially but you know how that extends into you know the home group and because I've made as many mistakes in that AA as I can find you you know, and I'm sure I'll make some more. Hopefully not the same ones. And I'm so grateful that the men and women in Alcoholics Anonymous have not had this, the opposite of spiritual anonymity, you know? Have allowed me to grow at my own pace, you now? My old sponsor used to say, when I would complain to him about, you kno, Shannon being toxic or something like that, you know he would say, John everybody recovers at their own pace. I didn't know he was talking to me. You know, I thought he was like justifying, And I thought he was justifying my contempt for Shannon's lack of growth. So this part in 12 is not about not using our name on the Internet. This is about how we learn to love each other and how we learned to grow and stay together as an organization. Love that. That was so good. Yeah, I love Tradition 12, right? And I think that it kind of, for me, touches on all of the other traditions in some way, shape or form, right. But, yeah, the first line in this is the spiritual substance of anonymity is sacrifice. And I feel like for me that's what – when I first read that, I was like, oh, my gosh, I'm going to have to sacrifice something that I'm really going to want or got to be out of. But again, to John's point, it is only by giving that I receive, similar to the St. Francis prayer. And I love how this kind of ties into that in that it's not really about me anymore. You know what I mean? On the spiritual plane, it's not about my personal ambitions and desires. It's about, again, what's best for the team. And I am just a fraction of that. And so to really think about what's good for other people as opposed to just what's good for me um which was not an ideal that i was like super excited about when i got here right um but but i think you know somewhere along along the lines in the program working the steps um this idea of of moving from this very material plane to the spiritual plane began to to take more um effect right and and started understanding bigger picture things as opposed to like just what is happening in my tiny little world but instead of like how my behavior like it took me some years in sobriety to figure out that people other people had feelings and emotions I was a year sober before that like really sunk in you know oh I'm a slow learner and but but but I love this In the sense that the principles that Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me in talking about forgiveness and talking about this love that I have for everybody, unconditional love, I think is one of the principles that I get from this, one of the lessons that you guys have taught me is that I can love you regardless. I might pray for you a lot but I love you regardless and we're all on this same team together and we are trying just not to capsize the boat and I know we are going to be fine. I know wir are going to be fine big picture. We are going to be just fine. I'm so excited for that and I love too that when I look at this big picture or sometimes these like tiny little arguments, like these adorable little arguments that my home group has about how we're gonna spend like $5, right? Like we're talking about $5. When I'm in the grocery store, I'm like oh look there's Tic Tacs, let me get a few of them, you know what I mean? Like not even thinking about it, but when it's AA's money, like I am cognizant of how we are spending that, you now? And I'm not saying that that's not right, but I think we need all of those little conversations and all of these little experiences in order to kind of get this bigger picture, right? And I would certainly encourage you if you ever get the opportunity to go to your district meetings or to go into your area assemblies or to to go international conferences, right. Like for me those were some of the biggest spiritual experiences I had because I saw how little I was, right AA doesn't need me but man I sure as hell need AA, right and I love this idea too that regardless of whatever your personality is, I'm gonna love you anyways. And the thing is too, right? And this kind of goes to resentments, but what AA has taught me is that I can disagree with you without being a real such and such. You know what I mean? Can you tell I have kids? I can agree without being like a real meanie and being disagreeable, right. When I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous If we disagreed about something and I didn't like you, I was not shy about that. Thankfully, I think now I can have this unconditional love for you and still disagree with you and still realize that we're on the same team and that's okay, right? That is okay. I don't have to agree with everything that everyone says. That's fine. I can make my own decision and I don' t even have to make my decision about whatever it is today. I can pause. I can pray about it. I can talk to my sponsor, I can talk to people, right? This idea of consultation. What? Poor guys, okay. You see what we did there? You know, I can do all of these things that these principals have taught me to do to be able to work the best way with you guys. Whether that's in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, whether, again, that's at my job, at my home, any of those things. But to be able to make it not about me anymore. right I think that's like the biggest thing of this tradition tells me about this idea of humility that that's really like I can never get enough of that in anything that I do I'll never have enough humility but that's what I strive for right and and the only way that I get that is by continuing to work with you guys you might like to continue to work these principles to work all 36 of our principles right and giving back again And like I think service in any shape or form, maybe beforehand or something, right? Like I vividly recall going to like treatment meetings or something. On the way there, I'd be like, man, I just don't want to do this. Blah, blah, blah. I just Don't want To Do This. I'd rather be like watching Netflix or whatever. But whenever I leave there, I'm always so incredibly grateful. I'm so incredibly thankful. And so whatever happens in that one hour, right, like whatever spiritual experience happens in that one hour it's life-changing it's just life changing for an alcoholic like me so yeah yeah it's not about me it's not about today and I'm so grateful for that it was about me for a long time and it didn't work out for me so so yeah yeah