Resentment Inventory and Emotional Sobriety – Workshop – Glasgow Scotland – Part 8 of 8 – Tina W.

Okay, we're going to go through this 10-step now. This is the one that I do an interview with at the FedEx Forum. So we did the column 1. Column 2, what is the problem? Here we get to the cause of such events as surrounding our anger, resentment, fear, falling in love, dependency, or sex conduct. Wayne wouldn't listen to me. And I had some things that I thought were pretty pertinent that I wanted to say to him in a really escalated voice. and he walked away from me bad idea don't like that i'm not saying what i said we're being taped it was foul i said something to the effect of what kind of man walks away from a woman when she's speaking are you some sort of something or other uh next what wait so that was he wouldn't listen to me right right in the thought feeling belief the old idea you are living in and the judgment you're holding toward the person institution for everything listed in column one uh the old ideas where i can do or say anything i want to when you have to listen so i'm completely unaccountable i just get to say stuff And the 48-hour rule is negotiable. Didn't work. And the real underlying one is that the rules really don't apply to me. I can do anything I want. Now, here's what differentiates 10-step from the 4-step. Now, remember, we're looking at our assets and life goals. So we have to bring our assets in, which means you have to have a new idea for your old idea. I missed an old idea too there was more, I skipped it he doesn't care what I say because men don't listen and and I am stupid and irrelevant that was the rest of the old idea That's an important one because that's where she always goes no matter what is said. Because I do the same thing. She hears things that I don't say. That's one of them. She says, I'm stupid and irrelevant, and then she says, I said it. Right? So the new idea is that I'm willing to grow towards is I am accountable, I am responsible for my words and my actions. Rules do apply to me, and I agree to the 48-hour rule. Now, did you believe that when you wrote it? No. See, you don't have to believe this stuff. You just have to be willing to try it. The action does not care if I believe it. It only matters that I try it because what's my first reaction? Doubt. So, it doesn't matter whether I believe or not. Am I just willing to entertain the possum? I've had people say, I'd say, will you entertain the possibility? And they say, no, it's not possible. That would be a steel gate closed mine. Okay. Ready? Yes. Column three, areas of self-affection. In the space you're riding around in, areas are self-defected by this problem. I'm sure. Is there a self-esteem, fear, security, pocketbooks, survival ambitions, power, personal situations that are being interfered with or threatened? It was my self-esteem. the underlying thing as a fear and it was a fear of being alone. And there was another old idea operable in there. We have old ideas inventories kind of like the one we did on God yesterday that are hugely powerful. And one of the old ideas that I had was men leave and then I make up why they leave. They leave because I'm irrelevant and I don't matter and I'm not good enough and whatever I make up. And then, because... Yeah. And that's a funny idea that we caught. You heard what I was talking about this inventory when she did it. We were just kind of talking back and forth and I said, men leave. Weren't you married for 17 years? A man left. Did you see that? Men leave. All of them. Every last one. One. That was huge for her. She went like this. Because rarely do I get her to pause. Because I wanted to defend my position. So the old idea in there is men leave. So the fear was of being alone. It was for my mental, emotional, and social security and my ambitions for power and prestige. Right. Now, that may not make sense to you unless I point this one thing out. She's done this inventory how many times? 10, 12. She's made the problem that I would not listen to her. The real problem is she didn't respond to what I asked her. Is that okay? Well of course it isn't. What do you mean by that? Slow down Charlie Brown. I don't remember you asking me anything shut up Joe put your thumb down see this is because I wouldn't listen to her right but the reason I wouldn'l listen to here is because I brought up something I didn't like and she came back at me with something I did six months earlier and I would not listen to that she's been missing that now for about 11 minutes I haven't said nothing until now because I just caught it that's not how I remember it Well, you see, otherwise the 48-hour rule is negotiable. It doesn't make sense to this. Right. Did you get that? I just don't want to get into it. That's how you catch it. If you do enough of these inventories, you begin to catch the glitch. And some people say it doesn't matter. It doesn' t matter, but it does, doesn' te. Because what happens is, if I don't identify and admit and correct the exact nature of my conduct, what am I going to do? I'm going to be doing it over and over again. And it's not going to stop until it causes me such great pain or causes me a relationship, causes me an job. But it was a resentment inventory though. See, I was resentful in a way. wait dang it oh I'm sick then list the feelings of are you done? yeah, god I hope so then listing the separation you're experiencing in relation to the cause listed in column 2 isolated withdrawn solitary and disunited again remember I went to my room, I went and cleaned the pool I got everything and I don't need you and I broke that united front is that the one with the yes, the long distance call yeah it's in the next column I get to blame you over here she gets to blame me right next to us and you're doing fairly well, John. Thanks, baby. I'm good at that. Then list the defective character that is glaring. Pride and anger. Then list the principle of life on page 46 that you may entertain a connection part and resolve your feelings of judgment. List it in column 2 and your feelings and separation list above. Faith and hope. Okay, now, column 4 what are my mistakes? Here we regularly look for my own mistakes. Where am I at fault? Here we list how we are. Here we list how, not if, how we are being selfish. And in 12 and 12 the language changes because now we're in the present. We're not looking at the past. Here we list how we are being selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and considered resentful. What our fear is, and how we may be rationalized, minimized, justified, or denied our actions related to this problem, and however we may catch another in order to avoid taking responsibility for our own actions. That's a mouthful. Wouldn't it be easier to just go take a nap and wake up and it's all gone? So my mistakes. I was selfish because I broke our agreement. I didn't adhere to the 48-hour rule. Again, remember, this is gone, so this is all erased right here. So my mistake's towards Wayne. I was selfless. I broke out of the agreement, and I don't get to pay attention to the fact that he wasn't listening anymore. and then I live five hours away from him and he was visiting at my house and I believe that men leave so to preempt him leaving I threw him out with nowhere to go and no way to get there and then i was inconsiderate because i was yelling and screaming profane things at him and i used things that he said in the past as a weapon so i could attack him with them and get him off my back i was resentful because i Was harboring a grudge and then when he walked away from me I thought a long distance phone call might be applicable so I threw my phone at him anybody else break really expensive stuff when you're mad God how dumb is that I'm like he walked away and I'm screaming about what a coward he was not in those words and he walked in the house and shut the door and to top it off he was laughing as he did it really just threw me over the top Like one of those Tasmanian devils Jumping up and down chasing him He's walking around the pool And I'm chasing him I'm lucky he didn't throw me in So he shut the door And I chucked my phone at the door He opened the door and said Did you throw your phone at me And I was like no Threw it at the store So I made a long distance phone call I haven't thrown anything I sort of got in at least 6 months the next incidents after that do you guys have flying fish over here in the ocean we don't either but tuna and flies I went and picked up dinner and he wanted KFC so I got this big old KFC meal and then I wanted sushi so I bought sushi and then when I got home I wanted to eat his chicken and he wouldn't give me a piece And I just really got mad, so I threw my dinner at him. Fish flies too. My bottle of water to help me wash it down. Kiss a cuss. Oh, I'm embarrassed. That's what you did a year ago. So I was resentful because I harbored a grudge. I threw the phone at him, and then I was frightened. being alone. So what I do is because I think I'm going to be alone, men are going to leave anyway. I throw you out or I leave first. Yeah. Anybody have any experience with that at some other level? The tentacles of this stretch out. Some people just do it with verbal dialogue, threatening to leave. Or the threat, the constant being under the threat of, which means you're not allowed to speak your mind. We often try to take people's voice away from them through threatening. In other words, if you say that again and I'm out of here, if you do that, in other words we're trying to people like me that are like frightened little boys with a man's body try to shut people up and take away their voice when in reality everybody by our constitution is given the right to free speech you really can't shut them up. They just have to be responsible for the things they say. But we're dealing with kids here anyway. Didn't Tebow tell us that our main characteristics are we are childish, emotionally sensitive, and grandiose. That's as adults. Oh, I rationalized my behavior behind if you cared, you'd listen anyway. And then I blamed him for not listening, and I blamed him for all my bad behavior because he wasn't paying attention to me. Now, I want to add some people when she had done the Zenitory workshop had blurted to me because they think I'm making her do that, number one. Trying to make the girl look bad. Not true. I put that on tape because they still don't believe it. It's very easy. However, the other part of it is some guys wonder why I stay with her with that. Aren't you advocating a violent relationship? No, not at all. I know her case. And I'm objective. I wasn't going to let her do that. I'm walking away. I've done all the things not supposed to do. And I know she is not throwing that at me. She's throwing it at her ex and I knew it. And so when she calmed down, when she calms down, I said you cannot do that anymore. I said, I didn't threaten to leave. I just said you cannot do that any more. And then I walked away. Because the more you threaten the more they're going to do it. I mean it's almost like putting a red flag in front of a bull. Don't do that! when you do a real raffle I knew she had a mind like mine and I wanted to be with her we'd already experienced a lot but I've been through this stuff and I knew Tina never saw this work before in her sobriety and so I thought, you know what God's in charge, not me and I want to find out about I mean come on, I'm a guy and I took sex off the table because I wanted her as a woman I'm going to get a reward out of that if it kills me I'm waiting to find that out See, I knew it. There it is. I was right. I wanted to find out where this was going. That was my thing. And I thought, you know what? But if she throws anything again, I'm gone. I'm not going to live like that. But I didn't have to tell her that. I'm the one who has to know that. Because if I tell her about it, maybe the next time she would have only thrown one piece of fish. And I want to make a point about that. Let me have it. Well, we are so far behind. Isn't this great? Isn't it great? I'm going to use Bill Wilson because he's my primary example. By the way, Bill Wilson saved my life from the grave. If I hadn't found all this research of the work between him and Father Dowling and Dr. Thiebaud, I wouldn't be here. I'd still be letting the sharpshooters poke shots at me until I drank. Okay. Here's Bill Wilson. 1946 back to 1935. He has a spiritual experience. Towns Hospital, 1934. December 1934 has a white light experience. Leads the hospital. Starts talking to other drunks. to June 9th 35 not a one responded not a 1 we're going to lead into this too step 11 and 12 too ok, not a1 responded and as he's doing that his life has begun to spiral because there's no stopping this thing that we have on it's own and he doesn't understand so he redoubles his efforts and talks even more He's not drinking, but his depression is coming back. And he doesn't know why. Can you imagine what hell that must have been for him? And then June 10th, he meets Bob. AA's founded. And then from 1935 to 1946, he's traveling the world trying to pass this great message on. So he's going like this, trying to past the message of AA on while his emotional nature is doing what it naturally does. And he can't understand it. Can you image? put yourself in his shoes here's a guy traveling the world accolades are being laid at his feet I mean there's people being saved around the United States of America from demon rum for the first time in history with any thought that it could be continuous so 1946 he's pretty much become a legend by now and yet he cannot understand how he, he just can't understand and there's no going up and down here the up is his manic you know if they'd had bipolar back then they'd have called Bill Bipolar because he'd go from one extreme to another daily oh he'd find a new prospect wow and then he'd lose one wow he had no middle and he went like that until 1946 and then thank God those two guys corrupted our traditions by doing what they want. They don't got to follow our traditions and they wrote their Christian version of the 12 steps and then Hazelden showered our fellowship with it. We talked to Bill. Bill, please read his history. Don't take my word for it. He's in the tank looking for one more person to save so he can unconsciously get back up here again and he's about done. 1947, he starts working the steps with Father Dowling he's still doing what he's doing in AA but little by little from 1947 to 1951 he's working the steps with Father Adelan and he doesn't know because this is unconscious he doesn' t even know that he's being worked up isn't that something and he's still busy doing what He does in AA and now He comes down he comes down to here then he comes down to here then he comes down to here he's not falling as far anymore he doesn't even know this is happening he's not conscious because why is he not consciously aware of it because it's unconscious the part that's being affected by his work with father ed is in the unconscious and father ed knows that and he knows bill doesn't need to know it he just needs to know he just needs to do it and do it wrong comes 1955 51 52 and the 12-step essays are done and bill has taken father ed's notes and translated them into language of the heart the books published in 5253 in 1955 bill turns aa over to us it's no longer his dr bob's been passed on for five years Bill gives it to us 1956 Bill is acting and reacting sanely and normally and when he would peak from what I can pick up from his history about the only time he would peek when he'd be asked to speak at all these I mean he was asked to speech at conventions galore and he finally had to start saying no too many he stayed in Vermont at Stepping Stones and began to write and when he began to write the notes I found this is my opinion but I believe he began to write what was going to become our manifest destiny with emotional sobriety. Those two pages we're going to read here in a little bit to conclude what we started Friday emotional sobrietty, the next frontier he was going make that a major issue in AA and unfortunately he passed on before he could finish his work I don't think on Bill Wilson some people think I'm trying to rewrite the big book they say i'm trying no i just picked up the ball because i found it and i'm living proof if you believe my story i'm live in proof that this happened to me too and from 1956 to 1971 you can see the blurbs in his life with the events of aa they became normal does that make sense to you. So, here's the whole point. The whole point is from 1946 to 1956, Bill slowly, methodically, little by little, got better. In other words, it didn't happen in a day. It didn't happen overnight. And I'll tell you, if you read his history between 1946 and 1956, it It didn't always look good. Man, he went through some turmoil giving AA over to us. When Father Ed told Bill that he had to give up AA in 1949, down he went. What did he say? My depression nearly took me to the cleaners. Because Father Ed said you've got to get out of the way of AA and give it up. You've got become a member. Could you imagine? That would be like telling a mother. How many mothers have you got in the room? Leave your baby to us, we'll take care of it, you just move along. there'd be blood on the floor and it would be mine that must have been what it was like for Bill, I have to imagine because Bill didn't want to give it up it's not that he was a control freak some people even say that he just tried to hang on out of power Bill loved this thing he didn't wanna trust it to nobody else that's not a control freak that's a mother that doesn't wanna give up that which was offered to her from God and I've watched Tina struggle her youngest son is going to turn 18 in a couple of weeks I have watched her I do not even come close to coming between you and your kids there's a look in her eye ok because there's some things going on that's none of my business because they're not my kids but I am her fiance and I also have a cop mentality but as soon as I go like this right Those are yours. It's like you don't mess with a mother and her cub, do you? Yes, there's just some things men don't do. We cause enough problems by helping make that package. Did I say that, guys? Lucky you. Do you get my point? Before I get lost in it, do You get the point? What new people and people that are being renewed, it's like if you're over five or six years sober, or maybe over one and you've already worked the steps I want to repeat what we said Friday night we are not suggesting you did anything wrong I'm just suggesting more has been revealed and I'm offering you to pick up like I did and accept the fact that more has being revealed and have an opportunity to renew our program but some of us we get rooted in to the knowledge of the pain and the current pain seems easier than stepping out into the unknown because you basically are taking our word for it. And you know what? I can easily dismiss people's word, but you cannot dismiss our experience. A shoemaker said to Wilson, here's something that happened between 1946 and 1956. Wilson was in trouble. People were judging him, if you can imagine that. People were gossiping about our co-founder trying to bring him down. They thought he needed to be brought down to his right size as though they know what his right size is. There's a lot of people who think, I need to be brought down to my right size because he went to Scotland to tell them how to do it. The big deal. And they think I have an ego problem. So what they do is they think it's their job to ratchet me down to where they think my right side is. Is that not playing God? I don't know. I don't know anybody in this room who should be brought down to their right size because I don' t know what their right size is, only God does now I'll tell you how we get brought down to our right size, pain and growth we get right sized by the step work we do there's no person in this room, no human power in this regard can right size me, you can't deflate my ego, how many of us have innocently or otherwise tried to help deflate someone's ego that we thought needed deflating. You know, like take their inventory for them. Come on, nobody else in this room is taking somebody's inventory, even in the confines of your mind? Some of you have done it this weekend already. I've seen y'all. It's innocent. It's just an unconscious thing where we think we know what we don't. I don't know. That's the God deflates through the process of 12 steps. We have two disciplinarians. Who are they? God, John Barleycorn. If I don't surrender myself to the AA way of life, I will one day surrender myself again to John Barneycorn. And now that we know where John Barlycorn is, we know were to go. We found it... Where was it? Here in Scotland? Where's that? Dundee. We went to Dundree and found John Barlecorn Saloon. Yeah, okay. Before I get all lost in myself, Do you get the point? Nobody needs to try to deflate. It really annoys me when people try to deflate my ego. How dare they? That'd be like me trying to deflate yours. It may not need deflating. I don't know. Life will deflate it if it needs deflated. I promise. But I don' t want life to defiate my ego so I take the steps now that I know that they are the great deflater but most people don' T take the steps every day, do they? The steps 10, 11 and 12. We don't work them in tandem, and so maybe our ego does start to get away. And Chuck C. used to talk about the ego, easing God out, detaching myself from God's world and becoming one of my own again. Pain will be the touchstone to that progress, and surrender to the steps will keep me right-sized. Let me give you an example of that. I used to be afraid of crowds. Public speaking is the number one fear in the U.S. Is it over here? is public speaking the number one fear in society it is over there I'll tell you and on June 10th 2000 you got to understand how much I love AA did I talk about this Friday night June 10nd 2000 I'm horribly afraid and I didn't know that egoism will inflate me past fear and I think I'm recovered and I found out that a guy named Ray G And somebody at the Founders Day convention takes place every year in Akron around June 10th. 20,000 drunks come to Akron every single year to celebrate Founders day. And I love AA. And Ray G called me up one time and he'd been holding it in his pocket. He told me later he'd be holding it his pocket because he'd heard all the gossip and the character assassination and a certain group of people trying to demonize me so I couldn't speak anymore. He knew about that. So he put it in his pocket that if he ever had the chance to let me speak at Founders Day, he was going to make that happen. I didn't know this. It's information I guess I didn'T need to know. But he calls me up a few weeks before Founders' Day or a month before Founder's Day and asks me if I want to come speak at Finders' day. I said, yeah. I didn' t know I was going be speaking Saturday night in front of 20,000 people. I thought it was going b e the Saturday afternoon and nobody comes because they're playing poker. so i get there and i had a fear that i didn't tell nobody about because it was just sound sounded so stupid uh i'll tell you what my fear is you know because i have false teeth you know you live out on the street your hygiene's not number one and funny thing ignore your teeth they will go away i was always afraid my teeth would come out in front of people and you'd laugh at me and i'd have to shoot all of you and i didn'T tell nobody that i just thought it And there's really, I didn't think there was really any step work you can do around it. And so I go to Founders Day and my friend T.J. and all the Chicago contingency comes. A few friends of mine from around the world come in because they heard that I was, you know, they found out like a month before when I found out that I wasn't going to speak there. And Saturday night comes and then I find out I'm Saturday night. I didn'T know I was Saturday night, it was June 10th, it waS 2000. I'm all, all of a sudden my ego is getting pumped up. And I'm afraid. I'm scared and my ego is being pumped up. I'm in the throes of this. Now, I've done a lot of this work by then. That was only nine years ago. I've been doing this work for, what, 17 years or something like that at this time? No, 22, 15 years. So I was getting pretty good balance in my life. This threw me out of balance. And I didn't know. I didn'T catch it. Sometimes you don't. It's a daily inventory. So before the meeting, I peeked into JAR Arena where there's 6,500 people. And then the others are being videoed to the auditoriums that they're in. I go in the bathroom and throw up, pray, come back out, go up to the podium. And I can't even talk. My throat is closing, the pressure. And I'm trying to do the things I've learned to do. But the only way to do this is go. I was going to actually not do it. cancel. I was going to come out of the bathroom and tell Reverend Ray who was the Sunday morning speaker, I was gonna tell Reverend ray to do this one and I'd be glad to do Sunday morning because as we all know most people don't show up on a Sunday morning one in the states and I told Ray gee, I said Ray I can't do this he said right, get up there and so I went up there and I started talking and somewhere during the first 10 minutes I went like this because I saw my picture up between Bill and Bob it occurred to me this was June 10th 2000 1965 years I started going through the history click click click there's only been 10 members a day to ever speak at Founders Day on Saturday night June 10 I felt this surge of wonderment and I changed my posture and I started delivering the finest AA talk you've ever heard, move over Clancy move over Norm you're nothing, nada, nil and I started talking and boy was just going like a song and about half way through, I mean I could see the people melting in their chairs, they were going to nominate me president of USAAA and right about that way I thought I better make a point about sponsorship so that everybody understood what was important. And I made a point. And my upper denture blew right out of my mouth. And I swear to God, it's slow motion. You ever notice how when good things happen, it goes by? When it's good, you can't capture it. But when it's bad, you get to see it coming and going. And it stays for a while. and I'm watching my dancer I swear to God going like this I mean it's rolling over right in front of me and on the main floor of Jar Arena are a thousand people sitting in chairs and in the front two rows they've got the halfway houses and there's these four little girls from this recovery house and they're like this now I'm seeing all that in milliseconds and I am just froze in humiliation then all of a sudden I don't know what overcame me, but I popped my hand out there and caught them. Right there. Threw them back in and kept talking and never missed a word. And when I left that podium, I was a different man than I went up to it. Because, you know, it's like if you don't allow the steps to deflate you, society will. Don't need any help from me at all. And you know what? When I walked away, I Was laughing at myself. I mean, those four girls never stopped doing this. They never heard a word I said after that. The thing you forgot to say was that while it was being videotaped and piped into all those other arenas, there was a camera. You could hear the laughter from the auditorium right across the street from JAR Arena. I swear, well, at least I could. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But you know what? the majesty of that moment is, is that I walked away right-sized. I've been laughing at myself ever since. It's like some people can't take that. They just can't face that. But I'm going to tell you what, now I don't even glue them in anymore. Sometimes they come out just for effect. I don' t, you know, come on. I used to worry about all that stuff. And you know what, Now it's not a concern. That's real freedom for me. I don''t know about for you, but that's real freedom for me i don't want it to come out sometimes sometimes sometimes i play with it a little bit but most of the time you know it's like what are you gonna do come on i'm goofy get free if you're not i'm free to be myself and uh here's another key thing when you're free to be yourself you become freer to let other people be themselves and that's the harder goal and and And I can't really allow someone else their freedom until I have mine. You know, some people say you can't love others until you love yourself. That is not what AA says. AA says love others and then you will find the love of yourself. Do you hear me? Love others and you will found the love for yourself. Because if I wait until I love myself, I might not ever get there. And what I'm going to do about the people as I pass them by. Because I believe they're God's kids too. Okay, so Bill Wilson took from 1946 to 1956 to be awakened. He didn't become aware until 1961 that the change had taken place. 1958, he wrote about it though, that he was just beginning to get freed, didn't he? Didn't we read about that Friday night? In 1958, I am being freed. He didn'T even know he was free yet. But if you read his history, by then he was freed. it was just he was going through daily ups and downs and sometimes we don't think that it's freedom when we go up and down but normal people have the ups and down they think none of it me I want a chip give me an attaboy oh you paid your rent so what everybody pays their rent first time I paid rent I wanted a reward wasn't enough that I got to live there I wanted something I was like, Andrew, did you know Wayne paid his rent in full? A couple of days late, but he paid it. You know, sometimes we get so caught up in the disease concept and all this other stuff that we forget that the wellest I'm ever going to get is just one day and there's a process are you done with this? we didn't do that page negative personality traits oh you didn't? oh I thought you were done my bad I guess it doesn't need that list your most oh this I was going back to the end of time list your most dominant negative personality traits by the way the negative attitude traits, there's 63 of them in your notes. On page 80 the negative and the positive are on page 81. Those 63 negative personality traits came from my personal inventory. And I've done over 500 inventories through the years and they are the most dominant ones that came off all those. So those 62 are mine. One of them is not mine if you like. Try to figure out which one. But over the past 15 years, because I just finished this notebook this year over the past 15, 16 years and all those inventories I've taken I accumulated the most common so those are the 63 most common negative traits that I bring into my daily living and if you look at page 80 you'll not wonder why people didn't want to be in our med I'm just the one who didn't know that so Tina's going to share her most common negative attitudes personality traits involved in or responsible for the circumstances surrounding this problem I was aggressive and childish, cold and malicious, rageful, retaliatory temperamental and threatening does that not sound like the God of inventory? I'm still playing the God that I came here with, it's an amazing thing but now we get to turn it over, remember when they say turn it all over? How do you do that? I mean, turn it old that is such a cheesy thing in the US, turn it over like when you're in trouble someone says turn it off like that has any depth and weight at all here's how we actually take excuse me, the action of turning it over now list the positive attitude and personality trait counterpart to the negative trait listed above and those are on page 81 I could be assertive adult, genial, benevolent peaceful, clement, calm and announcing now ok, and if she caused harm yes, then she'll do an even better job ok okay now here's the negative life that she has lived in her whole life and she came into a with many of these she hung on to because she didn't do the type of work we're talking about this week and tina didn't go any wrong she just didn't have the information she needed to take it for the next step which bill wilson called the next frontier you know as i want to repeat lots of people will tell you this is hoo-ha. The truth is you go from physical sobriety to emotional sobrietry and that's a pretty giant leap but a lot of people don't make that leap because they're ill informed. They're mythic M-Y-T-H Mythic Informed. Lots of people have no idea about the history will say all kinds of things to protect their posture I believe it's innocent. I don't believe they're doing it to be malicious. They are just uninformed. And rather than admit I don't know, I pretend that I do know and tell other peoples you don't need to know. You don't needs to do that. And so Tina is 21 and a half years sober and she is still living in her old ideas about God. And I wouldn't have spotted that if I hadn't done this work myself. So all she has to do is entertain a new idea to live in and then little by little. Now, her new idea I'm going to be assertive, adult, genial, benevolent, peaceful, clement, calm, and announcing. Did you become that the next day? Yeah! No, not a chance. And I know she can't either, and neither can you. But what happens is you move one degree towards that by just writing it down and saying, I'll try. Because the effort is in what? The answer is in what? The answer's in the action, not in the knowledge. But you need the knowledge to be motivated to take the action to take it to get the result, to get that effect produced. And is that not the effect produced we're looking for? To overcome that effect produce. It really starts to button it up when you look at it from this perspective. So, one degree. Let me tell you how important one degree is. I'm not a mathematician but I did sponsor a rocket scientist and he did this math for me I heard a judge Judge Don Gates out of Sacramento, California he's over long earned dirt and he's a sitting judge well he's retired now but he retired a sitting coach a sitting church and he was talking we were talking together at a convention and I think that was Friday night he was Saturday night Saturday night he said something that altered, again, the course of my sobriety one degree. Here's what he's saying. He's saying, you know what? I like Norm Elpe. Norm Elke is my kind of guy. Norm Elbe is that speaker I told you about. He says, Norm Elte is spot on when he says, what you do speaks a lot. I can't hear a word you're saying. He says I get thousands of people before me and they all do the same thing. Your Honor, I swear I'll never do it again. your honor he says and my philosophy is what you do speak so loud I can't hear a word you're saying and if people would just change one degree of their life I would never see them again but they won't change even one degree in my opinion the inventory work step 10 plus step 11 plus step 12 work together creates that one degree that Judge Don Gates talks about. Now let me give you the mathematical process and you understand how really big one degree is. This really got my attention. If myself and Tina are right here in Scotland, AA and we decide to go for a walk and we're heading for this meeting that let's say is over 600 miles away we stupidly walk and play along we're walking 2.5 miles per hour we're going to walk for 30 days and we're gonna walk for 8 hours a day we get about a couple hours out and I decide because I'm clever that I'm gonna beat her to there by a short cut we're going to both head due north because that's where the meeting is and I'm going to deviate just one degree from her path just one Tina is going to walk straight and she is going to end up 660 miles due north at her meeting I deviated only one degree, just one one degree in 30 days and in 30 days I will be 42.58 miles somewhere else and I only deviated one I mean one degree is like what like that one degree I deviated and you know what all AA asks of us is that we give up one degree take these actions take the actions here's the old Wayne here's Wayne AA says just give us one degree just follow our directions don't zigzag although I have and you know what happens if I let up on my action I don't just come back one degree I don' t come back just one mile when I give up I bounce back and go the other way the results are nil until we let go absolutely I go back to zero and don't they say alcoholism is progressive I mean it's like now it's on us so that one degree of Don Gates do you see it as huge as I do and if I can plant that in your mind that means if I could do steps 10, 11, and 12 every day in tandem as a combined application it's not tough at all but most of us I think many of the people I've worked with in AA it seems overwhelming to put them all together and they don't want to do it every day because they feel good by the time they get to step 10. And isn't this unnecessary? I'm sober. I've got God. And then they forget that agnosticism has no cure. And the reason I feel good is because I've been doing the work I'm supposed to do. And then I'll be able to go by like a song and then all of a sudden blip, blip and I don't do a 10th step. So there's no brake job. The 10th step is the brake job, the pause when agitated or doubtful is the brakes. Think of an airplane for just a minute and then we're going to share with you how we apply step 11 with step 10. Thinking of an aeroplane, I know this is going to be cheesy and probably an oversimplification because you obviously know this but I'm going to bring it home anyway. How many of you have flown on an aerplane? Are you aware that when you're landing that plane the brakes can't stop the plane? you're going about 300 well 80 miles an hour when you touch down but you're coming in from anywhere from 600 to 300 miles per hour before they slow you down when that plane hits at 86 or something like that miles per power there ain't no brakes big enough on that airplane to stop it they have to reverse the thrust of the engine and slow it down get it to the gate and once it gets to the gate that's where the brakes will work when it's going approximately 2.5 miles per hours then the brakes will work. What would happen if that pilot put the brakes on when it landed, when it hit the tarmac? It'd just burn them up. And there'd be no brakes. They'd just burn them off. And don't we do that all the time trying to stop right now? I'm going to stop that right now. Because we want perfection. Says so in our literature. But the brakes that I was born with are like that of an airplane. I don't have enough brakes to slow myself down or stop me. And so the step work that we do going to meetings calling our sponsors having people call us that is the process by which we humans get slowed down enough so that we can be willing to be stopped and dr harry tebow said to bill wilson the problem with your alcoholics is is they refuse to take a stopping thank you Tebow says they are childish emotionally sensitive and grandiose in the throes of anguish they will say I got it no thanks I can land this plane in my mind one degree that's what this whole weekend has been about one degree, just one And yet, where am I at from where I started 31 years ago, let alone 24 when I bottomed out emotionally? Let me take that a step further. I say bottomed outs emotionally. What did I really do? Don't humor him. I bottomed out emotionally what did I really bottom out on what's the emotions tied to I bottom out spiritually 7 years sober I bottom down spiritually see physical is first isn't it how many people hit bottom mentally and physically can't take the mental pain can't think can't pick the physical I'm in jail I'm bondage the divorce that's mental and physical isn't it then our emotions seem attached to that so we bottom out physically that's usually our first bottom related to what alcohol it's related to drinking almost all of us have a second bottom if you're a Bill W type now see a Dr. Bob type some family member gets some terrible fatal disease they're going to go through the emotional ring or two but then they come back naturally they go through a natural phenomenon I'm going to have a second bottom and I had mine at 7 years many of us have it at 7, 5 14, 21 and it's a spiritual bottom and here's the dilemma if it becomes set in my mind that I have just a medical disease I will not be able to identify that spiritual bottom my problem is spiritual 100% now that I'm not drinking 100% mine's I I am meaning to beleaguer this by the way I want to really set this home because the rest of my life depends upon being awake I'm awake to the fact that as a human being when I'm not connected to God my problem centers here, not here, here it just looks like it's here because I make bad decisions what do I do? I make decisions based on self which later place me in a position to be hurt I make emotional decisions I go by what I feel and my feeling is corrupted by this I rely on my thinking my thinking is corrupted by this society says you have a thinking problem society says your emotions are a problem, let us put you on medication You're thinking, let's put you in therapy. I'm not saying that's wrong. I'm just saying that is how they react to it. AA says, let us treat you spiritually and you will get better mentally and physically. It is a complete contradiction, isn't it? Okay, so now, I am going to have Tina run through. Do you want to hear about the regret inventory? I mean, we are getting late. We got some other things we can say. But how do we get past self-pity? Self-pitty doesn't just go away. One of the people on Friday night, I don't remember who, asked me how you get out of self-pity. Boy, can you wish your way out of it? Can you think your way out of It? I'm going to tell you what. Self-pitty is so cloaked because it's reprehensible to the human mind. Do you know that in America, a therapist can't even tell their client they're feeling sorry for themselves, they can lose their license. Because saying you're feeling sorry for yourself is not therapeutical. You are depressed. And then the therapist will convince you, you're depressed. Because that's what they have to do. And then they give you a little medication. That's just what they do. Not all, many. But none of them can say you're feeling sorry for yourself Wayne because that's abusive. Isn't that something? Why aren't we glad we got sponsors who don't care? They say Hey, Wayne, come here. I got me a fur line pity pot for you. Here, put a quarter in so it don't cost me nothing to watch you. I have discovered a way out of my self-pity. I applied the principle of inventory. Because when I start thinking about self-pitty, who am I thinking about? And then what do I do? It gets worse. I put a magnifying glass on it. so I want to bear in mind while I'm doing these inventory works in step 10 I am wrapping them in step 11 and I'm wrapping step 11 and 10 in the process of step 12 within the AA way of life that's what I'm going to do ok, so Tina is going to show us the beginning of a methodology that I've incorporated now that has brought me out of self-pity. That is in the back of your notes, page 100. Here it is in name of the person, place, or thing involved in this regret. It was an early discharge from the United States Navy. Do you remember her talking about in her talk Friday or Saturday how she... Did you say the word regret or did she just talk about being booed out? I think I just talked about being discharged. I had in my sobriety done lots of inventory stuff, and most things I was able to get all the way through. This is the one at 10 and 15 years sober. I thought about that, and I still got that right there. And I would see people in uniform. I would go to Memorial Day parades. I would drive past that cemetery in Los Angeles, the veteran's cemetery, and I would feel shameful and disgraced always, even though I was sober. And I figured I could find a way to do a ninth step and kind of volunteer with this youth program. So I was in the process of doing what I thought was a ninth steps and participating with my kids when Wayne showed me this inventory and it changed a lot of things. Does your mind ever drift back to something that you wish you hadn't done or didn't do or wish you would have done. It's kind of a flashback to a moment in time. That's called regret. And if your mind doesn't drift back to it, it's nothing to think about. It's like your fourth step. You do the best you can with everything that's conscious on your mind and then everything else will bubble up later if you're doing the steps that will bubble out over a period of time slowly and safely. If I don't do it, then it's going to come up unsafely. Regrets are the same way. Regrets keep us from going forward. because we're constantly looking backward and when you're looking backward you're tripled where everything's in front of you even success okay what is my regret column two here I list the actions I took or failed to take which constitute this regret and how these actions and failures should negatively impact or influence my life today remember we're in the business of living for that I failed to correct my wrong behavior resulting in discipline action and captain's masks. And I drank in and after rehab, which resulted in a discharge, an early discharge from the Navy. And how it affected my life today, this was in 1983, was that I constantly had a negative view of myself and judgment from other people when they go, oh, you're a veteran, how long were you in? And I'd go, oh, just shy of two years. And they'd go uh-huh because they knew there was some underlying story there that I wasn't giving them. Then, list all that apply. Related to this regret, I feel remorseful, guilty, self-loathing, resentment, self pity, or hurt? Remorseful self-lothing, resentment and self-pity Yeah List the old ideas you were holding on to that's associated with that regret The old ideas were that it wasn't fair that they discharged me They should have given me another chance because I was in naval intelligence. They shouldn't have discharged me. They ruined my future, and then I am dishonorable and irrelevant. And then those old ideas, according to the book of Colossians 9 and 12 and 12, those old ideals become bananas. They turn into faulty dependencies. And then most things she just read off become a way of life without even knowing it. We begin to live with those. Okay, let's start judging the self-relations that you've grabbed from events prior to that. Oh, I threw that in. I'm dishonorable and irrelevant. Okay. Now, if she gets in a situation in her life, she's going to make herself relevant whether you like it or not. She's goingto shove that relevance right down your throat. That's what I would do. Did you get that? Unconsciously. And then pretty soon you're living your life belligerently, in control, demanding that people get out of your life. Riding my Harley right up your... it was my self-esteem fear that my future was ruined uh my mental and emotional security financial and social also in my ambitions for power and prestige this feelings of separation are strange to the relationship of this regret and regretful actions. Isolated, withdrawn, and solitary. Now that was current then. Current, which means she's going to approach the world that way on guard. That's what Thiebaud meant when he told Wilson that we live defensively in guard as a nature. Defensively in guarding. Explaining everything, not answering questions. Like if somebody says yes or no question, we start a story out. we can't just answer directly yes or no we have to explain ourselves before we get to the answer okay pride, anger, envy and sloth selfish, dishonest and resentful I was deceitful depressive, indignant, pitiful and sorrowful anybody else who lives like pitifully column 4 here's the magic here's the salve Here we entertain the possibility, that's by the way in italics and black. Here we entertainment the possibility of a new way of thinking and acting to overcome this regret. List a new idea and action that you probably do not believe in that will replace or overcome the effects of the faulty idea and reaction or failure to make needed actions listed in common too. The new idea is that they did the right thing and they gave me all the chances that they could. I was in intelligence I worked for my commanding officer and I had a lot of classified communication coming across my desk during the Cold War era I was stationed in Alaska and I was drunk all the time and not trustworthy and my CO sent me to counseling he sent me into the psych unit he sentme to rehab he gave me all the possible chances that he could and I blew every one of them and then blamed the United States Navy and the new action that I could take was, and again I thought this was a ninth step. I was trying to make amends to the military and I started volunteering with the Naval Sea Cadet Corps, taking action. Wayne said yesterday we can't think our way into right action. We have to act our way in the right thinking. And so I threw on a little Navy uniform and I was commissioned as an ensign to start with and I started volunteering with the naval sea cadets. And I was to start acting responsibly and following through on commitments. And how did that turn out? I spent seven years with the Sea Cadets. I ended up a lieutenant. I got a meritorious promotion, lots of ribbons, and I endedup commanding officer of the number two unit in the United States. And you got your respect and dignity back. It was amazing. I'd take these little kids like I'd get Tiger Cruises and take 80 to 100 little Sea Cadettes with some other officers on Tiger Cruizes, on U.S. destroyers, and we'd sail from Los Angeles to San Francisco and I had high-ranking military officials that I used to not be able to look them in the face calling me up and giving us military airlifts for 200 people. They'd just set a plane aside for me and fly us down to Los Angeles and people that I respected saluting me. Would you agree that that's a way to get rid of her regret? Yeah. She started out volunteering. It isn't 8 a.m. in front of her. And so she starts out volunteering, she gets close to her kids again and she gets her respect and dignity back that's powerful remember when I got my badge pinned on me I'm going to tell you what I loved the Navy and I loved every medal I got I loved wearing my full dress medals I clanked when I walked down the street and I liked it I like people looking at my medals and I love sticking them in your face we went to my son graduated from boot camp my oldest guy and we went back to Great Lakes, Illinois for his graduation and we went there and the commanding officer of the recruit training facility was Captain Annie Franklin and I knew her from when I was a sea cadet so my kids graduating and I know his CO, it was amazing she recognized me cool stuff I remember out of each academy they always nominate a rookie officer of their year and I didn't know I was being nominated and I won rookie of the year nomination undisputed nobody else was even nominated and when I went out before the mayor and the governor they put it in the newspaper they of course didn't put it in there I just remember but I felt that sense of dignity come back and it wasn't any big deal in the world scheme of things this is so minor but to me a guy who had himself stripped of his uniform when we walked across the quarterback that last time and held my head on the ground. I mean, just months before, I'm piping dignitary on board our ship, and now I'm walking off with my head down? That's a regret. And I didn't know that becoming a cop would relieve me of the bondage of that feeling. So I didn' t have to go back in the Navy to do that. I just had to go over here and do something that would uplift me. I didn''t know that, by the way. what I did was I did the next indicated thing by my step work and then one day I looked back and it had fallen away and when Tina was telling me that she was not cognizantly aware until we started doing the regressor and then she would have heard her silently go it was like some people they take their last breath like that she was giving her breath back isn't that something it's an amazing thing Okay, let's move on. Then, there's a new opinion in yourself that you can consider and look for if you want to believe it. Just consider and Look for an effort to replace the negative opinion and come to it. I am honorable and relevant. Did you believe that? No. Most of us don't believe this good stuff. That's why we don't move towards it. We believe everything is bad. But sometimes we don' t believe that we're good people because we live in the dark in the negative side of where nature says to be such a duty negative how many people can't take a compliment Wayne would give me a compliment and I would deflect it and tell him why that's not right but the definition of humility right in step 5 in the 12 and 12 is a clear recognition of who and what we are followed by a sincere desire to become what we can be actually you said desire a sincere attempt to become that which we could be. It's like having a job without drinking. Okay. Then we lift the spiritual principle away. Then we look at character assets and we shall remember now we're looking at the assets of liability. Now we're going to look at the ruling of liability and now it's time to look up the assets. Then we list the character asset and we shell substitute for the character defect and let's do it in column three. Humility and gratitude. honesty, integrity and discipline trustworthy, cheerful forbearing, commiserable and joyful looks like a lot of work doesn't it it really is at first but you couldn't get me to not do this not enough money and my it's like step 10 is wrapped in step 12 or step 11 step 11 is wrapped in step12 step 12 11 10, 11 and 12 is the embodiment of our recovery remember 1 through 9 are what dying steps 10 through 12 living steps some people will do step 10 every now and then a lot of people like step 11 they'll do the prayer meditation thing but they don't do 10 10 and 12 so much and they think they're okay because when they pray they feel good and the book talks about being spiritually comforted and philosophically comforted it is only when we combine 10 11 and 12 what's that you remember that slogan when we link them? When linked. Find that and I'm going to discuss it. Okay, so step 11 it gives us directions in the big book what to do when awakening and when retiring. I do that every day. But that wasn't enough because I've been doing that all along. and so when I did my investigation into Bill Wilson's work Father Ed Dowling had him now by the way a lot of people in America are starting to, they've ran out of everything else to demonize this workshop with and now they're saying he uses a Catholic prayer the prayer of St. Francis they've called it a Catholic Prayer but what they've got to understand Francis wasn't no big shot when he wrote this you understand? people will twist anything they can but here's the truth the prayerof St.Francis was not a prayer what it was, was Francis was in the throes of a terrible depression it always helps to know history doesn't it go back and read the story of Francis of Assisi and you're going to see how people have taken it out of context to defend their position they don't want to use it and I don't look at it like a Catholic prayer, I look at exactly what it was, Francis the book says not an alcoholic, however he did go through the emotional ringer. Terribly depressed. Up and down, up and down up and then one day he wrote this petition that he gave to God. Lord make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred let me sow love. Your turn. Where there was wrong I made room in spirit for forgiveness. That was a petition. and then he acted on it. He didn't wait for God to give that to him. What Francis did is he began to act like an instrument of peace. Where there was hatred, he would try to sow love. Where there is injury, he tried to bring pardon towards himself. Where there's wrong, he tried bringing forgiveness. Where there were doubts, my life is shrouded in doubt. where there's doubt, faith and because he took action, by the way there's 12 sentences interestingly enough he took action on those 12 sentences and one day, unbeknownst to Francis it lifted Bill W. working with Father Ed Dowling, you got that? yeah, well let me finish this then we'll read it you want to go through the 11th? well I think I want you to because it's affected you just recently. Yes. I'm going to have Tina go through this part of it, the 11th step. Besides that, I'm trying to get her more involved in the... Do you want me to read this? No, not yet. We only got about 20 minutes. Okay. So when I started doing the 11st step the way that we do it, it was different from the way that I practiced it previously. And the first thing that I started doing was I had an 11th step notebook and as i would take those inventories and i would come up with those negative personality traits and their positive counterparts i would start to put those positive ones in my daily prayer and meditation so that when i wake up in the morning i'm doing my prayer and meditation i'm also paying attention to the things that i want to grow towards so instead of being unforgiving i wantto learn to be forgiving so i would put those in there so They're in the forefront of my mind. And there's 12 lines in the prayer of St. Francis. The line that I'm on today is number 5, where there's error, I may bring truth. What line am I on? 4-3. You're on line 3. Where are there... So there's twelve different lines. And in the notebook, in the workbook, each one of those lines has a... Well, I'll turn to the one that I'm on because it's easiest. My absolute favorite is the sixth one and I'm being facetious. It's where there's doubt, I may bring faith. And I've been doing this for almost two years now. And every twelfth day when I was on line six, I would just want to stay in bed, not pick up the phone, not go anywhere because doubt-faith was a huge one for me. And what I didn't realize was that I was supposed to be paying attention also to the faith part. And I would wake up in the morning and go, I'm on doubt. And then I would spend the day in doubt rather than looking for faith. So today I'm online five, which is where there's error, I may bring truth. And there's some thoughts and considerations in here that I pay attention to in the morning. Some questions that I ask myself that I answer in my little 11th step notebook. There's some suggested readings daily out of the big book and the 12 and 12 and the daily reflections book, the little meditation book. And then there's a meditation. So for instance today, to the best of my ability, I will be honest. I will keep my thoughts and actions based in reality. In fact, I will tell the truth. I will adjust myself to situations whilst I stay loyal and true to my chosen ideals. If I am to learn that my personal values are based upon a mistaken opinion, I will have the courage to let it go and change my mind, creating a new personal value. I will remain focused and complete my plan for the day. I will be direct with my dealings with others. I will ask for what I want or need and refrain from manipulating others for my own gain. I will play fair in my arena of life. Thy will be done. Now, this is a great part. go on about the business of daily living today, cheerfully and enthusiastically. I always miss that part too. So I do this every single morning, and then I go on About My Day. If I need to, I stop and I do 10 steps throughout the day or I do them in the evening before I go to bed. And then there's a review at the end of the day. I'll go through and I'll answer these questions, write the answers down. There's huge power in putting stuff down on paper. and then I have people that check in with me that do this work every single day with the line they're on three things that they're grateful for from the day previously one person, one place and one thing not self-serving and all about me it has to include me but not be about me so I can't say I'm so grateful that I met Ann because I got to help her like that's self-cerving it's an ego boost that I can be grateful for Ann because we got to spend the weekend together in fellowship. So there's a difference in the way that I look at the things that I'm grateful for today. And I check in with five people also and tell them what line I'm on, what I'm thankful for from the day previously, my plan for the day, which I write down the night before so I'm focused and clear about what I am up to tomorrow. And as I started going through this, Wayne told me in the beginning because I would dread it. I would just absolutely hate it and I would go, oh my God, I'm on line three and three days from now I'm going to be on doubt faith again. And I would have to consistently try and remember. It took me a year and a half to memorize the prayer because I just didn't get it. I would focus on just that one line that I was on and not pay any attention to the rest of it. And Wayne told me that he had been doing this for a while and it became a working part of his mind and the first thing he would think about as his eyes popped open is the line that he was on And I would think, to coin a phrase from your country, bollocks. That just can't happen. And today I know as I'm going to bed tonight, I'm gonna know what line I'm Gonna be on tomorrow and it becomes a working part of my life. And the great thing about doing a line every day is I don't have to pay attention to being peaceful and forgiving and loving and understanding and all of those things all at the same time because that's what an order. I don' t know that I could go through with it. but the longer that I practice the more I know stuff is coming up where there's wrong I may bring the spirit of forgiveness I'm on truth today but if something offends me I can forgive and I get to apply all of them a little bit throughout the period of a day additionally by the way those paragraphs I wrote those 25 years ago for myself and I took them all out of the 12 in 12 like the thoughts and considerations on all 12 sentences I extrapolated those from the 12 and 12 none of this came out of my head except for the ability to collate it because I needed a guide my mind was racing can you imagine how my mind was racing 23 years ago my mind wasn't racing I couldn't slow it down and so from what I read about Bill Wilson with Father Dowling Father Dowling gave Bill this prayer and said use it you'll come out of your depression and the best I could make out of it is Bill applied it daily so what I did was I took my the best interpretation that I could and I broke it down into 12 sentences and I started doing one a day and I couldn't focus I mean I'd sit there and try to meditate but I couldn'T I couldnT focus so what it is I got the 12 in 12 out and looked back on my day and then I would write this out and I start using that as my method and I've been going through this is my 684th trip through the 12 sentences I mean it's a working part of my mind I'd be lying to you if I didn't say what I memorized but it has to become it's working part my mind I still get this out and go through it I don't want to depend on memorization to get me through my day because my memory won't pick up what my eye will as it's workin and I write it out still because my memory won't detect what my writing will show Have you ever been writing something, and then you make a mistake that it shouldn't make? Then you realize it's got something to do with something else. You go back and fix the paragraph. It's an amazing tool. So here it is. Using the prayer of St. Francis in conjunction with, in addition to, the two paragraphs or the two sections in the big book, when we retire at night, when we awaken, upon awakening. That, by the way, is in the notes. That's the readings in the Big Book. this is not these notes are not meant to take the place of the big book in the 12 and 12 it's meant to be used with it to walk you through the collected idea of the next frontier emotional sobriety so use it or not but I still suggest that you follow the directions in the big books in the 11 and 12 and then take this information because I use when we retire at night upon awakening and the spot check inventory and the daily balance sheet Like I said, it seems like a lot of work. I want you to know something. It is absolutely no effort for me at all today. I would no more go without doing this. And I'm a guy. Now, I don't know about you guys, but I'd rather shoot it, kill it, hit it, or... I'll move on. But write about it? Are you serious? Do emotions about it ? Are you seriously? A lot of guys that I know in AA are too macho to do this kind of work They somehow see this as sissy work. And yet, I can report to you that I'm a stronger man, a better man, a more confident man in between my moments of doubt. Remember, make no mistake about it, my first thought is what? That brings me back to faith. I can pray all I want. It's not bad to pray. But I need the prayer of action. I need to take action on steps 10, 11, and 12. And step 12, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to? Who? They've lost that in the USA. They're trying to carry This Message to everybody. And they're trying it because treatment centers have said it's all the same thing, so you ought to carry it to everybody, and people are trying to do that. We are clearly directed how to apply AA, and yet many of us refuse to follow those directions having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in some of our affairs extramarital no ok some ok there's a lot of things I do in addition to what we've talked about outside AA there's things that I do because it makes me feel good but they don't knock the place off yoga exercise somebody mentioned exercise. There was a day in my sobriety when I went to the gym 5 hours a day right now I weigh what about 257 and I've got a little bit of a tummy and I never had one of them when I was age 54, right before I got sick, I had a 56 inch chest, I Had a six pack and I thought I was in my 50's went to the gym five days a week and nothing wrong with that, that was my hobby that was by exercise but it did not take the place of any meetings it didn't take the place of sponsorship it didnít take the place of going around speaking I still kept all my AA work and then I added that to it Tina and Iís relationship is in addition to the world is in addition to but so many people in AA trying to find that balance that the world talks about well if Iím going to go to yoga three days a week I better give up one or two meetings because I canít do all and pretty soon they're doing the worldly things I think Wilson called it the worldly clamor they're dealing with they're having a worldly clamour five days a week at a meeting once a week and they don't know why they fell in my opinion those who do not recover well it's not my opinion it's the book those who does not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves this simple program well many of us do but at some point we stop and we give ourselves completely to yoga or the gym football, sports women, men many people have more problems after they're sober and they are predominantly what type of alcoholic my type ok so I want to kind of wrap this up a little bit with about 5 more minutes I'm going to tell you, I know exactly what God's will is for me. If you ever want to know what God'S will is for you, because we're not looking for God in AA according to our literature, we're looking for God's well. We're trying to seek and do God's work for God'S well. Because the idea that God is here, I'm not worried about that no more. Ever since I turned my will and my life over to the AA way of life, which I believe is synonymous with God, I have not wondered about that. And now that I know what Godís will is for me, I don't ever question that, ever. and I found out for me remember I added for me I found what God's will is in the steps here's how I see it and that's why I'm in Scotland this weekend don't get me wrong I love the trip it's been nice when I can understand you but if I wasn't here for this reason we would be in sunny California hanging out but it's because I know what God's will is for me. And if you don't want to know what God will is for you because you don' t know but I think we all want to now. Here's my interpretation in step 11 it says sought through prayer and meditation which is what I do sought through prayer and mediation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand him so I'm constantly trying to improve my conscious contact with AA the service the history and everything that makes this such a great spiritual movement trying to prove my consciousness and praying only it reduced my prayer life a lot. I was praying for hours trying to overcome the madness of my mind. Praying only. Oh my God, did that simplify my prayer live. Praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. And one day I was doing a workshop early on. Doing a workshop and I read step 12 and it hit me like a mad truck. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all my affairs. And it was at that point that I became willing to practice these principles in all of my affairs What principles? The 12 steps the 12 traditions I practiced the 12 conditions in our relationship We have a unified front Unity Our common welfare comes first I don't make arbitrary decisions without considering her. I just don't. We have commonality. So if I'm going to do something that's going to affect her, I should consult with her. Don't you agree? Our common welfare comes first. Our relationship, personal happiness in this relationship depends upon our unity, doesn't it? Each group is autonomous. I'm my own person. She's her own person but except in matters affecting other groups or AA as a whole so I'm autonomous in our relationship unless it might affect us then the 36 principles and the concepts of world service how do we present ourselves around this that's later down the road if you're newer practice these principles the 36 principals and I promise you if you practice at least 12 of them the 12 steps, all those other spiritual principles you hear about in treatment centers and places like that honesty, faith, hope, courage those are all embodied in the prayer of St. Francis aren't they? honesty, faithful, courage, integrity is in there perseverance is in there, persistence is in their everything I need to function spiritually is in the prayer of Saint Francis think about that, people are dismissing it because they're calling it a catholic prayer instead of embracing it in their life I feel sorry for them just like Dr. Bob said I feel sorry for you if if you don't want to do this that I have a little stronger language but we'll go ok so I try to carry this message to other alcoholics I try to work with other alcoholists I don't work with non-alcoholics they're boring I usually work with my type I sponsor a lot of alcoholics I work with a lot that I don' t sponsor it's very important that I sponsor, more so than have a sponsor but in order to sponsor you kind of got to have one but it's more important that I sponsor others because as they come apart, they reveal mine to me so if I'm not working with people I can go disguised for a long time and cloak and lastly, two things how do we do all this? I can't do it alone and there's a lot of people in AA that don't do het like this they don't include the 12 and 12, how do I do it? Here's how we do it. This is me. Well, let me erase that. This is how I do it, and feel free to agree or disagree. Here's me, and I've got five people I call every day, and I check in with what I'm on in the 11th step. I'm online three. I call five people every day. Alcoholics that are doing this. I don't call the people that aren't doing this because they might not agree with this and I don' t need to hurt myself I call five people a day and check in what line I'm on what I'm grateful for from yesterday what my plans are for the day here's what's interesting I know for a fact that they too call five people a night and so you see how my circle of life has grown exponentially they call five people a day guess what they do I've been doing that for years I've got contacts around the world that's doing this work I'm not concerned with the ones who don't think it's a good idea I'm only concerned with those who want to do it and then the ones that say this is not AA I laugh because I know they don't know this is absolutely what we've shared with you this weekend is 100% pure, unwatered down, unadulterated, histrionic AA. And I believe that's the way it should be. That's my opinion. I don't believe we should be watered down by anything. But how many of us in AA don't actually do it this way because we're not aware? I wasn't aware. In 1984, I stood on the precipice of going back into psychiatric care and taking psychiatric medication again. and no one would have blamed me because I was in such despair. From 1984 to 1986, I did that research into Bill Wilson. From 1986 to 1990, unbeknownst to me, I was getting better. In 1990, I didn't do it again. I did my first workshop. And here it is 20 years later. I'm still doing the workshop, and I am not mad in my mind. I remember my first workshop. You ever wonder why we had the asking basket? I did my first worship. I didn't want to do it. I was asked to do It. I said no. My sponsor said yes, so I did It. And some guy raised his hand, asked me a question. That was an arrow. He was judging me through his question. And I knew it the minute he asked It, and I didn' t know how to answer It. so I walked back to him literally sea clamped him grabbed him by the throat drugged him out of the workshop walked back in any more questions? my sponsor said that was inappropriate conduct therefore we have the ask it back that was 193 workshops ago ok, I think we have a question here somebody wants an answer to how do we survive the sharpshooters once we start to share about this critical information in meetings I pray for them there's an old saying forgive them father for they know not what they do nobody has to agree with this I don't care who agrees with it and who don't I only care about those who want to try it you don't even have to agree but if you can prove me wrong that this is not AA please do I won't get mad, I won' be defensive I'll be glad to hear it if you can prove to me in black and white that anything that's shared this weekend can't be found in AA history. That's why I'm not afraid to come over here and share this with you. Other people don't want to agree with it, I don't care. So we pray for them. Hopefully they find the answer they have so they can leave me alone. Is there another one? Yes. When reviewing your 10-step on a yearly basis, what action do you take to bring them together and what do you do with them? Oh, well I just keep tracking for the whole year. I keep them in a notebook. And I didn't have a wife so I didn' t have to worry about her finding them and if you're married and you don't want your spouse finding them ask them to respect your privacy and then lock them up. Lead us not into temptation. And at the end of the year beginning on New Year's Eve I go through the review and I review all of them and then I make little notes about my progress. And I make notes where I didn''t do so well. Over the year. But I will promise you this, since 1987 to right now, I've got 22 books. I'll have another book starting New Year's Eve. I will have my 23rd annual collection of inventory. And I want you to know something, 23 books of all is a different guy. Brilliant. Brilliant. Okay. how do a will to power how to spot my inner voice God I think God speaks to me if you hear God talking to you call your sponsor and tell God what you heard because sometimes our conscience is at work and we call that God the inner voice sounds an awful lot like mine if I open my mouth I don't want to make fun of that because i understand but i spent when i became an ordained minister years ago i spent a lot of time silent if you can believe that and it was my conscience working is what it was it was that inner voice in my mind's eye synthesizing all this information trying to make sense out of it but i don't personally believe god talked to me i don' t i don''t believe that i think my inner voice is my conscience is my is my god speak it's called god speak in the churches god speak. God consciousness is my awareness coming from here and if you want to call that God talking to you, I've got no bone to pick with that at all. I just think that I think God talks to me through you That's what I think. And I'll close with this I ran a little bit longer than I wanted to. You guys okay with five more minutes? Yeah Remembering how it works where Bill Wilson wrote that probably no human parker believes of our alcoholism, that God couldn't would if he were sought. By the way, he's not talking about me and you. He's talking about medicine, psychiatry, religion, and therapy. Do not have the power to relieve us of our alcoholism. That God couldn't, what if he were sought? There's a plaque hanging in Notre Dame. It reads like this, or something like this. I may be beating it up. It says, I sought my God. My God eluded me. I sought myself. I sought soul, my soul I could not see. I sought by brother, and I found all three. You see, in AA, one alcoholic talked to another one. God looms large and yet if you say no human power I don't need you I don' t know do they do that over here say no huma power instead of probably no human power no human powers allows me to run on self wealth I get to depend just on my prayer life with God God's my sponsor God tells me what to do no human powe because they don't know the history but it's probably no human power because Bill Wilson wanted to make it clear that psychiatry failed Roland Hazard. Medicine failed Bill Wilson because all they had to offer him was don't drink. Religion failed Dr. Bob. He could not get sober in the Oxford group. And they all were in therapy. How'd that work for them? We're not putting those things down, we're putting them in perspective that probably no human power could relieve us of our alcoholism but that God could and would if he were sought. we seek through each other God, we seek through the knowledge of his will for us through prayer and meditation to know what his will is then we seek that will we seek to do that will this is a very simple program it may appear we've complicated it this weekend but I don't think we have I think we've given you an awful lot of information that over the next few days weeks or months we'll kind of filter out and I hope you retain just enough if you're interested in it to apply it in your life so everything you were doing before you got here was perfect because it got you here and what you do after you leave here will be perfect too whether you choose to apply this or not but I know if you develop yourself a little sober circle of people doing this very thing then you won't have to worry about somebody saying don't do that that doesn't work I want you to know something by God it worked in my life And I think it's worked pretty good. I know it's working in her life because I live real close to her. And I know It's working In some of your lives Because I've been watching you for a number of years now. It's called the AA way of life. So let me close in the usual manner, if I may. Oh, hang on a second. So, there's a poem that... Remember I told you I was a poet as a kid. This isn't my poem, but it's my favorite one. What I'd like you to do, if you would, We always close with this. I'd Like You To Bow Your Heads. Shut your eyes. Try not to think about yourself for a minute. I don't mean that in a derogatory way. Empty your thoughts of everything you can. Just take a minute, breathe deep a couple times. Take a few seconds. Don't think about anything painful. Breathe slow. Take a couple of breaths. Keep your eyes closed. And allow me to read this to you. I stand by the door I neither go too far in nor stay too far out this door is the most important door in the world it is the door through which men walk when they find God there's no use my going away inside and staying there when so many are still outside and they as much as I crave to know where the door is and all that so many ever find is only the wall where a door ought to be. They creep along the wall like blind men with outstretched groping hands, feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door, so I stand by the door. The most tremendous thing in the world is for men to find that door, the door to God. The most important thing any man can do is take hold of one of those blind gropings hands and put it on the latch, the latch that only clicks and opens to the man's own touch. Men die outside that door as starving beggars die on cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter, die for want of what is within their grasp. They live on the other side of it, live because they have not found it. Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it and open it and walk in and find him, so I stand by the door. Go in, great saints, go all the way in. Go down into the cavernous cellars and way up into the spacious attics it is a vast roomy house this house where god is go into the deepest of hidden casements of withdrawal of silence of sainthood some must inhabit those inner rooms and know the depths and heights of god and call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is sometimes i take a deeper look in sometimes i venture in a little farther but my place seems closer to the opening so I stand by the door there's another reason why I stand there some people get part way in and become afraid lest God and the zeal of his house devour them for God is so very great and asks all of us and these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia and want to get out let me out they cry and the people way inside only terrify them more somebody must be by the gate to tell them that they are spoiled for the old life ah they have seen too much once taste God and nothing but God will do anymore somebody must be watching for the frightened who seek to sneak out just where they came in to tell them how much better it is inside the people too far in do not see how near these are to leaving ah preoccupied with the wonder of it all somebody must watch for those who have entered the door but would like to run away so for them too I stand by the door I admire the people who go away in but I wish they wouldn't forget how it was before they got in then they would not forget how it was before they get in and they would be able to help the people who have not yet even found the door or the people wanting to run away again from God you can't go in too deeply and stay in too long and forget the people outside the door as for me I shall take my old accustomed place near enough to God to hear him and know he is there but not so far from men as not to hear them and remember they are there too where outside the door thousands of them millions of them but more important for me one of them two of them ten of them whose hands I am intended to put on the latch so I shall stand by the door and wait for those who seek it I'd rather be a doorkeeper so I stand by the door and we invite you to stand by the door thank you Guys can we thank Tina I did just give you that But that's how it's written