Accepting Powerlessness – Workshop Steps 1 – Part 2 of 4 – Local AA Speakers

Hi, everybody. My name is Angie, and I'm an alcoholic. I am so happy to be here. It was 28 degrees when I left home. And I come here and there's flowers blooming and all kinds of good stuff going on. And what an opportunity for me to be able to travel and have somebody ask me to come and do a workshop on the first three steps. Because for me, I don't know about anybody else, but I struggle with those steps in a huge way. And it wasn't until, you know, a little while in AA. And that's why I'm really thankful that we do these steps over and over again, because it was it wasn�t until I was a little While in AA that I really got the gist of what step one meant and recognizing that step one like when I where I came from, it's like you didn't really admit that you were powerless over anything. and I always looked at stuff in quantity. Like I would always go, you mean this little shot glass of liquor has done all this to me? You mean this can of beer has made my life crazy? You mean this little piece of crack has made me lose all this weight overnight. You know what I mean? So yeah, so I mean I had some ideas and opinions when I got sober and my first thing to do when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous was to fight the whole idea of powerlessness. I'm from a family of Baptist ministers and so I'm fighting my middle name is fight my middle named is to automatically disagree with anything that you people have to say now when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous it was not a lot of black people in A8 quite like this morning You know, I see you How you doing? Good to see you Power to the people So yeah So it wasn't a lot of You know It wasn't It wasn' t a lot Of blackness A little You know Just like You know A few chocolate chips And a glass of milk You know what I mean And But yeah And I struggle with that Another thing well, this thing that they're talking about surely couldn't be about me because I mean look, there's only a few select people that have this thing along with the white people. You know what I mean? So it was very different for me. So when they talked about powerlessness I took it to a whole new level because it meant that you were saying that I had there was no way that I could stand up for myself. I felt like that's what you were saying. And coming in new, I think it's really important that we pay attention to because sometimes we like for the or I like for the newcomer to be where I am in my recovery and I forget that there's people that come into this process that have no idea what this thing is about. You know, so you tell them to keep coming back. I thought why? Why do you keep telling me to keep coming back? Everybody I met, how you doing? I'm Wino Bill. Welcome to AA. Keep coming back. I was like, really, Bill? I don't think so. Hi, my name's 12 and 12 Tom. I've been sober 50 trillion years. All my kids work for me. We're just happy. Keep coming. Keep coming back. Really, 12 and 12? I don' t think so and I looked at your differences. Alcoholism does that to me. It has me when I not even know your name, but know, and this is how, when I talk about powerlessness, this is what I mean when I say, I got this thing that will make me look at you without even knowing your name and without even just seeing you walk in the door and go, I'm not like him. and for me I was homeless I had the same clothes on I had nowhere to go I could not read I couldn't write so when people were talking about doing all this step work that's okay because I didn't have enough in me to tell you that I didn't know how to do these things. And you know what the simplest and the easiest thing for me to do was to go get drunk. Why should I tell? And then I go into a meeting and there's some older white guy up at the podium telling all his business. And I'm like, why is this white man up here telling all of his business like this? And then everybody laughed just like that. I said, and they're laughing at him. And I remember I went up to him after the meeting because I felt it was my duty. Because apparently nobody really cared about this guy. And I went out to him and I said... He goes, welcome to AA, little lady. I said look here, you know your buddy's laughing at you. He goes excuse me? I said your buddies? All your friends out there, they're laughing at you. I'm sitting out there with them. They are laughing at You. He goes, oh, sugar darling, you just keep coming back. I said, oh no, you keep coming back. I just heard what you told all these people. And I remember the next meeting I went to, I sat there. And this is what we do in case anybody forgets. As newcomers, we sit. we research you look at what you got on. I remember I was in prison and these women would come and do the AA meeting and I would never ever listen to them because of the way that they were dressed. Didn't match up. The stories they were telling what they had on, didn't match it. So I was like well Well, I mean, since you're so powerless and all, where do you get them Gloria Vanderbilt jeans? This is the kind of questions I was asking in A.M.E. Really? Since you've been homeless, I'm going to ask you a question. I mean. What's up with that Prada purse? They weren't giving them away at the pantries I went to. You know, so help me understand what you people are talking about here. So I look at this big sign on the... We admitted... That's how the voice I always... Whenever I read it, that was the voice. We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable. It's like... What does that mean? powerless. I'm not powerless. But I didn't know until later on that it was not saying that I didn' t have any power. I just always believed that I had more power than I did. Power like Bill talks about when he talks about going to law school. He studied law courses. Studied law courses too. I didn''t get any degree But I studied it. But me, I've always believed that I had more power than I did. I'm from a Baptist church. I mean, I watched my daddy and my granddaddy preach. And it seemed to me that they had a whole lot of power. My father would walk up to somebody, put his hand on their head, and they'd crumple. Look at my daddy. My daddy got power. My granddaddy. I remember one time they put their hand on me and nothing happened. And I remember my daddy was like, you need to lighten up. Really, daddy? You know, I mean, my sister, she'd hit the ground. My brother, everybody hit the groundbreaking. The ground, but the alcoholic. Because I'm like this. I've got my armor of alcoholism on and you will not make me hit the ground. You know, so my dad would be pushing me like this and I'd be like, I don't think so, father. I got this one. You will not have power over me. And so all my life, you guys, I have fought what even looked like somebody or something having power over me. That's one reason why it was so hard for me to get sober is because I could not see how this whole alcohol and drug thing had really taken over my life. Now, I'm a rhythm and blues singer, which was not what my family had planned. I remember my father told me at like nine, you're going to have to get a big gospel recording contract so I don't ever have to work again. I was like, okay, well, I guess I'll go get on my big wheel now and try to figure this out, Dad. Thanks! out of distress of having to take care of my father at nine. No, he wanted me to be a big gospel singer. So I knew like 11, 12 no, I'm not going to be able to do this. I'm not goingto be ableto do this and I fought against everything they wanted me to do and I took a drink of alcohol at the age of 13 with my friend Rebecca and Rebecca bought those two bottles over to my house and we were sitting back at the big oak tree in the back of our yard and there's a little creek there and we're sitting there and she said that her brothers had taught her in the art of schooling in the heart of us, chugging she said you hit the bottle it was Boone's Farm Apple Wine see this is what I'm saying AA I talk at my church on a regular basis. When I tell them that I drank Boone's Farm, they don't have that reaction that you just did. They never do. They never do. You know what they do? They look at me with absolute pity that I'm smiling about a bottle of wine that's never had a grape near it. They know what good wine is. But I'm telling them that my first drink was Boone's Farm Apple Wine, Thunderbird Classic. See, and this is, oh my God, I am so powerless over alcohol. Listen, I are the person that just because I have a bottle of Thunderbird classic thinks that I'm better than you just because there's classic on the back. You know what I mean? So that whole, like, ego and all that stuff that goes with the fight against powerlessness, man. Anything that I had that made me better than you that meant that I was no way? You don't understand. You know, I went to an all-girls high school. You know? I went through Catholic schools. Oh, uniform for God's sake. You know what I mean? We tried to burn the school down, but still. When I came in, I had all these ideas about me. And the reality of it was that you probably knew me better than I knew myself. But I didn't know that coming in. I really didn't want to be... Because there was this man named Mr. Trouble. He was an alcoholic. Mr. TROUBLE drank out of a brown bag. He wore a trench coat. I don't care what season it was. And he had a brim that he wore like cock slightly to the side. And then he had really little feet, which I thought was extremely odd. But he had real little feet so he wore little girl gym shoes. And so they called him Mr. Trouble and he was an alcoholic. So when you call me an alcoholic, ha ha ha. What? Are you saying to me that I'm like Mr. trouble? I'm not like Mr., Trouble. And that's why I like the part in the book where it says we have to get rid of our old ideas or the result was nil, absolutely. I think that's true because I had an idea of what an alcoholic was and I wasn't. I mean, I had some issues. You know, Bill talked about his wife was concerned about his drinking. You know people were concerned about my drinking and a lot of other things. You know, then they took me from being here to being crazy. So my parents said, you know, we love you, Angela, but we think you need to see a psychiatrist. Okay. And then the psychiatrist says, we want you to talk to the psychologist. Oh yeah, and this is what you have. And here's your medication. And if you just take it as prescribed. So it's real easy. We can come in here and admit that we're powerless, but there's a whole different thing that I had to look at over the time that I was here because I had been told so many things by the time that I got here that alcoholism, I just couldn't add one more thing to it. So my parents sent me to the psychologist, and I'm sitting in her office, and she goes, Angela, your parents are very concerned about you. And this is how she talked to me. Angela, we just want to know, honey, what is it that you see when you look through your glasses? What world do you see? I was like, let me take one more of these Xanax. Dr. gave them to me, Dr. Gave them to Me. My name was on the bottle. My name Was on the Bottle. And she said, really? She goes, I understand that you have a hard time articulating, Angie. Maybe this will help. So she goes in her drawer and she pulls out these two green sock puppets. I remember thinking, she thinks I'm stupid too. And they got little jiggly eyes on them. You know, little jiggly eyes with the plastic where the eyes move. so she said honey why don't you try to explain to me what it is you see by just oh okay so you want me to put those on my hand and then talk like it okay yeah I might be able to tell you how I feel let me put it on the sit so I've lived my life in my head I've been living my life in my hair with music so I put them on shook the eyes just to make sure this was real shook the ears shook the nose a little and then she goes just tell me what you think what is it that you see when you look at the world I said you want to know what I see I said I see a little silhouette Scaramouche, scaramousche Would you do the fandango Thunderbolt and lightning Very, very frightening Me galadeo Galadeo Galadea magnifique Magnifique Oh I'm just a poor girl Nobody loves me She's just a Poor girl She goes I'll be right back you get out of here with your sock puppet and then my dad comes in that's why we can't get you no help i took that sock puppet i was like dad he goes oh okay so i just paid for a hundred fifty dollar pair of socks you did father so everything that i came into aa with all that stuff was there with me and then you guys like started adding information here's the steps this is the things we did we did this week we're powerless over yada yada got this stuff going on up here i got the committee going on up here I got one committee says yeah you know you're an alcoholic I got some people over here going man forget them do you see how old they are you know what I mean so I got this whole conversation going on. You're feeding me all this information. And it's an overload. It's an overload because I'm still in the process of alcohol withdrawal. I got two or three days sober and they got me looking at a book that I can't even read. And I remember my sponsor sat me down. And in the end, when I came back June the 20th, 1991, and I sat with that sponsor, and she asked me, Angie, what makes you think you're powerless over alcohol? And she said, what I'm going to do is I'm just going to sit here and I'm going to listen to you tell me what makes your powerless over alcohol. Because I can't determine whether you're an alcoholic, Angie. Only you can. And I began to hear myself say things like I don't have my kids. I don'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO LIVE. MY FAMILY DOESN'T TALK TO ME. I CAN'T EVEN CALL HOME. I HAD MY SON IN PRISON. I gave my daughter up in another state some things happened to me on the street while I was drunk that no human being should ever have to do and then she said to me after I said that Angie are you alcohol and I said my name is Angie and I'm an alcoholic I'm powerless over alcohol and it dictates and manages my life. And thank God that she allowed me to just say what makes you think that. And then you tell the sponsor what is alcoholism. You tell me about that. You tell me, sponsor. Why? When I put it in my system, what happens to me does not happen to my brother. What happens to be does not happen to me. What happens to my sister, you tell me. And my sponsor set out through this book to tell me and the one thing that she had me do was I had to go to the 530 Big Book meeting every single day. And I had to sit there and I had to listen to people read and I had to try to read. And I tried to read to the best of my ability and I'm so thankful for those members of Alcoholics who didn't see me as a distraction or somebody who slowed the meeting down because that's where I began to learn how to read. I'm thankful that those members of AA helped me look at my powerlessness and helped me see where I related to Bill's story. In Bill's story, he talks about stealing from his wife's slender purse. I remember the first time I saw that, I thought, I smoked a little crack, I stole from a few slender purses. You know what I mean? And some real fat ones, too. You know what I mean? And so it's like when I first took my first overview looking at the book as my reading got better and I began to look at this book, it was really important to my sponsor that we go no further. We could only do Bill's story. And we had to do that for a while. But I wanted to tell you of something that I read in the doctor's opinion that she had me highlight. The doctor says, men have cried out to me in sincere and despairing appeal. Doctor, I cannot go on like this. I have everything to live for. I must stop. But I cannot. You must help me. Faced with this problem, if a doctor is honest with himself, he most sometimes feels his own inadequacy. this is on page what's XX what's XXIX thank you Nick page what 29 is that what it is yeah that's what it is XXIX damn it we could scratch that that'd be great It says, although he gives all that is in him, it often is not enough. One feels that something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change. Then many types do not respond to the ordinary psychological approach. I do not hold with these who believe that alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control. I have had men who had, for example, worked for a period of months on some problem or business deal which was to be settled on a certain date favorably to them. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date. What do you think happened when they took that drink prior to today? Bye-bye. Bye- bye. And so I think that paragraph right there talks a lot about powerlessness. It says, and then the phenomenon of craving at once became paramount to all other interests so that the important appointment was not met. These men were not drinking to escape. They were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their middle control. I had no idea about this stuff, man, until I started looking at this book. But in Bill's story, first of all, when I came into AA and I looked at Bill's story and it was this little here lies a Hampshire grenadier I remember looking at that going oh okay so that's white people stuff I don't know no need for me to look there and then and then this is what caught me so then it says who caught his death drinking cold small small beer a good soldier is near forgot whether he died by musket or by pot. And I was like, man, they had that good a pot? People were dying? I want me some of that pot! These people back here were dying! Whatever the hell a musket is, they were dying by the pot. I want some papers. So, and I like the fact, I really like the fac that Bill talks about how he took a night law course. To me? I'm so sick you guys. I take a night law course, I don't need to go through the bar. I don' t need to take the bar exam. Give me a half a course. I'm good. I can tell you all about the law now. When I was in prison, that's what I spent my time doing. Telling people about the law that I knew absolutely nothing about. That I clearly would sit in jail and just make up stuff. Oh, you're in here for what? Attempted murder? No, no, no. You don't have to take that charge. Do not let them put that on you. Because I got this thing along with my alcoholism, I got this thing called an ego that works so hard on me that I don't even need a lot of information to become an expert. I remember one time, one of the guards pulled me to the side and said, if you mention one more thing about this law that you think you know about, I'm going to lock you up in solitary. I was like, shh. Man, you would say that to me. I understand. Being a deputy sheriff is hard. You know, you don't really know much about the law you know i understand it's going to take somebody like me to really be able to explain it to you so uh you know I mean you're hating on me I can clearly see that you're a hater and finally he was like you know what come on you're going downstairs and even then in solitary I sit there thinking you can't keep a good girl down love you. I'll be out one day, people. And you'll miss me. So, I have this whole thing called an ego. You telling me I'm powerless. My ego's saying no, I'm not. And I'm in this thing and I am stuck. My sponsor's telling me, sit down. Be quiet. Don't talk. Just don't talk." I was angry. angry because I was black angry because I was alcoholic angry because I had red hair angry because I had freckles and I ain't seen a black person yet that had any so I got all these differences but I'm going to tell you something I went on a roll you guys I came into AA sat around I was like that militant black woman where everything was because I was Black like if we were all in the coffee bar at the clubhouse and you ask for your coffee and I had asked for mine already and they gave you yours and didn't give me mine, you'd hear me standing like this in a coffee bowl going, it's cause I'm black ain't it? That's why I can't get my coffee when I ask for it. That's just wrong. It's cause I'm Black. Hey, why I gotta drink my coffee out of a white cup? Why can't I drink my coffee out of a black cup? And I started, like, wearing dashikis and... Oh, it was ridiculous. Ridiculous. Now I'm a militant in an anonymous program where nobody will ever know but the people that are sitting right in front of me. Oh, and I went on. But I'm going to tell you, I went out on a run, you guys. I left out of Alcoholics Anonymous and you guys told me if you go back out there Angie it'll get worse, never better I feel so bad for you guys I'm sure that will happen for you but that probably won't be the case for me because I probably won' drink like I used to I'll do it differently so I was at a Wednesday night meeting y'all have been talking about God using you as an instrument I said, you know what, I think God's using me as an instrument too he want me to bring some black people up in here gotcha God so they asked if it was any AA related announcements, I said I said y'alma roll on up out of here thank you for the real like thick book and uh, you now all the coffee and you know I hope y'alka know that alcohol is bad for ya You know old timers, they're so sensitive. This one stood up and goes, well get out of here then. There's people trying to stay sober in here. We'll see you if you make it back. I was like, oh Mr. Old Timer, I mean I know you've been here since dirt. But I have no intention of coming back. But I will carry the message of AA. To my brothers and sisters. So I walked out of the building with my big book. and the real big one and I walked down to the bus and I said, the first black person I see drunk, I'm going to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. Said my dude. Said the book. Said it's a dude. So brother got on the bus drunk. Oh my God. I was like bingo. So I slid over next to him on the boss. I said my brother, you been drinking? He said, yeah, I had a little something. I said, you know what? You might be an alcoholic. So he started cussing me out and stuff on the bus. And I said... You know what, my brother? I'm going to probably have to give it to you. The only way that you can receive it and the only way I know how. I told you I'm from a family of Baptists. So I grabbed my real big book and I stand up on the aisle of the bus and I say, Riley! Did you hear what I said? I said, rarely have we seen a person fail who is thoroughly following her path. I said those who do not recover are those who are constitutionally incompetent. The bus driver said, oh hell no, you got to get out there. And I said, you, Mr. Bus Driver, are an alcoholic too. So I went down to that bar where all those black people was and I snatched that jukebox, that plug out the juke box. They was on the dance floor dancing, but y'all had told me about the mask we all wear. And I knew they was in pain. black alcoholics snatch that plug out the jukebox you doing dancing I know you hurting they told me at the double A club you hurting they said girl if you don't plug that juke box in we'll kill you I said you know what the people at the double A Club told me that you probably react like this to my information And I guess I'm going to have to give it to you The only way that you can receive it And the only way That I don't have So Grabbed my book Climbed up on that barstool Crossed my legs I said Riley Did you hear what I said I said Riley Have we seen a person There Who has Stole that Pal The bar owner said What the heck Get out of here And he pushed me out the door and locked the door so I read the big book to the passerbyers. Somebody was going to hear my information that day. Then we go over to more about alcoholism where it says, suddenly the thought crossed his mind that he could put a little whiskey in his milk. He sensed that he wasn't being this is powerlessness. He senses that he wasn't been a bit too smart. Whiskey and milk Hello, first of all. Let's do that. We clearly know that's for Nestle's Quick. And so I leave there reading outside the door. Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that one drink won't hurt. I go in the bar. I order a shot and I went on the biz that would land me back an Alcoholics Anonymous years later. 90 pounds. hair matted to my head same clothes I've had on for forever people telling me you ain't going to make it today based on the way that I look but the one thing I knew if I didn't know anything else that whatever has happened I cannot put a drink of alcohol in my body I was properly horrified and thoroughly convinced that that was the deal for me. It was not the deal for me when I came in the first time. Most certainly the deal for me when I came in the second time. And I mean I was poor up. I was this close to being a wet brain. That's how much I drank. I'm skinny my stomach is protruded out to here from alcohol and my liver and I come back in and like I said I was properly horrified and thoroughly convinced that I couldn't do this that I am not like my brother but let me talk to some of you all that say that you're like me but the one thing I knew I had to do in order to start getting with that first step is that I never asked anybody to help all my life I've never asked anybody to help me. And I remember that day when I said I need you to help. And not that I was so much afraid of dying as I was afraid to continue living the way that I was living. And every time I looked back it was alcohol. And my sponsor began to go through this book with me. Send me to 530. Start talking to me about it. Not as a group, but one-on-one is what I needed. I mean, some people in AA, you guys can do sponsor people and work with people in groups. That was not the case with me, I needed to be one-to-one with my sponsor. and really, really get the gist of what this thing was telling. And I'm going to tell you something. I believe within a shadow of a doubt, I know I'm powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. And I will talk about it a little bit when we get back from the break about how until I got with that it was hard for me to get to step two if I believed that I had if alcohol was working for me in any kind of way there was no way that I could get to step two and we'll talk about that after the break thank you thanks for listening