Step 8 and the Three Column Review – Workshop – Glasgow Scotland – Part 7 of 8 – Tina W.

okay is that one rolling okay just to let you know we've got the winning ticket but buy more we haven't drawn yet okay all right we left off with uh steps eight nine now in the big book We're going to show you something in step 10 that's very interesting. But in the big book, there's obviously no picture of a column review in step 8. So it's easy to dismiss this and people can if they want if they only use the big book. But if you read the 12 and 12, it clearly says when our pencil falters and we redouble our efforts and then I found the history of what Bill Wilson did with Father Ed Dowling, a three column review. Now we obviously added a fourth column just for well Tina will tell you why we added that fourth column but the three column review is what Bill Wilson did with Father Dowling. I decided to incorporate that in my step work because it's good enough for his emotional recovery by God is good enough for mine and we're going to show you this spiritual axiom that differentiates this from step four when Tina's done. You're on. Now her eight-step came from her four-step. She'll tell you that. So this is the eighth step. It's from my one I did from the fourth-step resentment inventory yesterday on my boss Mary. And when I originally went through the eighth step, I didn't do this inventory because I didn t have it. What I did was I just took my list of people off of my fourth step inventory, put them on my eighth step and thought I was done. And as a result, I missed a few people that never showed up on my fourth-step inventory because I never had any resentments towards them who I harmed. So when I redid my eighth-step, it was important for me to go back and look at people that I had injured that I didn't have any resentment in connection with make sure I included them also and then do one of these inventories so Wayne's going to read through the questions for me and then I'm going to column 1 who did I hire that was Mary my boss remember we had the little Y or yes circled on the resentment inventory from yesterday so I yes I blamed Mary for what I did, or actually didn't do, and I lied to my boss. And the principle of life that I violated was honesty, integrity, faith, and discipline. I rationalized, justifies, justified, denied, cast blame to avoid responsibility. Now where she's reviewing this with, she would explain how she did that. We're just not going to do that today for the sake of time. Then did I rob Andrew and John? Did I hurt their feelings? Did I deprive them of their worldly goods, their emotional security or their peace of mind? did I excite jealousy or misery did I provoke a desire in them to retaliate any time I aroused anger, I hurt her feelings I deprived her of her emotional security her peace of mind and I provoked a desire in her to retaliation if you notice this column has nothing to do with what she did telling my boss on me, the truth of the matter is what happened was I worked for a car dealership and she gave me a job right after I got out of the service because she was a friend of my mom's And I blew off work and didn't finish the end-of-the-month inventory. And when I showed up a couple days later, I told my boss that I had done it and turned it into her because I was trying to cover up the fact that I blewoff my work. So this right here is all what I did. It has nothing to do with Mary. All three, Mary's self-affected. This is my self-esteem, my security, my talking about survival of ambition, It was my self-esteem, fear of losing my job, my mental, emotional, and financial security, my instincts for safety, shelter, and food, and my ambition instincts for money, power, property, and prestige, and personal relations with the people that I worked with. isolated, solitary set apart and disunited home run pride, anger sloth shortcomings of engagement I was selfish and dishonest. Aggressive, deceitful, irresponsible, manipulative, belligerent, indignant, jealous, and retaliatory. and again this is the way that I live my life not just because I did this but because I did this all of this is relevant and I spread it for everybody not just Mary it was a personal amend and a social amend because I had to contend with my boss and our co-workers also to make it right for her with them see sometimes if you create a social harm you have to make a social amendment as well it's like for example gossip if I was to gossip to Kenny about somebody and then beginning to gossip about somebody else, I've got to track down all those people. Otherwise the event isn't correct. And that's why we don't want it. We want to make sure we clean it up real quick. Because most people, there's no way they would do that. Right, they just go to the person and say sorry. There's a great Native American tale of a young brave that gossiped and talked about somebody in the tribe and he went to his elder and he said, how can I make this right? And the elder said, take a piece of paper or whatever, tear it into a million pieces and scatter it in the wind. So the guy did it and he Went back to the elder and said, is my slate clean? And the Elder said, no, go pick up all the pieces of paper. That's what happens when we gossip. Not only do I talk about you to Ann, Ann's going to say something to Patrick, Patrick's going To say something To Joseph and by the time it's done, all the people that it's touched we can't get back that and then not only listening i make up stuff and never even get to know you because i have predispositions about what i heard and i rob myself and other people of relationships hate gossip can you tell and the thing that we're going to talk about now related to that is until you know better, you really can't do better. So when I found that out and I realized how critical and dangerous and severe it was, I don't want you to know something. My gossip is minimal because I don' t want to have to try to figure out where that paper goes. Here's a good example. I'm going to move it. that's about the third time it broke on I was on a when I went to the let me finish that in a second when I would Minneapolis the world convention I went there and then I was invited to speak on a riverboat thing down the Ohio River Clancy was speaking Dick M. was recording it and Peggy was speaking and I was speaking and Scott R. was speaking and I had another lady Tina knows about this I had a gal that I was with that was planning on marrying and she was with me and she had fibromyalgia and was taking medication for that and we was in this little cabin and I think because of her medication And later in our relationship, she was prone to violent outbursts. And of course, I have a history that I can't outlive. I just do. And we were in our cabin and next to us was an elderly couple that had nothing to do with the sober aspect of the river cruise. And by the way, she knows that I say this because she made amends finally. But she started pounding on me. She had a violent outbirth and I sat on my hands. Well, the cabin next to us called the captain and said there was a man beating a woman because that was her assumption. And they came down there and security pulled... I'm sitting on my hands and they pulled me out of the room. And, of course, word spread. Nobody asked me no questions. They just took me down to security. And I said, didn't touch her. Blah, blah, blah. So, to make a long story short, they let me go. But word got spread that I beat my girlfriend. That reached all the way in, and all four of the other speakers walked out on my talk when I started as a show of unity against me. And they all walked out and stood outside along the rail. That furthered the alleged accuracy of the gossip. That's how inaccurate information gossip gets spread. you know what that spread throughout the world of AA after we got back and I was cancelled from speaking at some conventions and those four speakers continued that gossip and then she made amends to me she later on she says how can I make that right and I said you sure you want to ask me that question and here's how cancerous gossip becomes she made Amends to Me And I said, well, you need to call all those people and tell them you lied. You have to do that or my name is mud. Okay? She did that. She called the four main people involved. Not the speakers but the people involved in the cruise. And what happened was these people, here's what happened. These people that spread the gossip now have so much pride they won't stop it. and there's no way to stop it and if you used to talk about that boat cruise you would find out that it's still being gossiped about, and my character is still assassinated that's why Wayne Butler doesn't gossip because I don't want anybody do you understand what I'm saying? I'm not trying to bang anybody out with this display but don't you think that's an accurate depiction of throwing paper in the wind and you can do your best to clean up your side but with the reality of it is once it's out there it's almost impossible to be undone because if i'm part of the problem the tendency is i am not going to clean out my side because my pride is going to get in the way and so you're dealing with a lot of human condition as it is i'm okay with it because people are people in parts as parts and people do what people do but that's how something innocent can be and by the way even if i was guilty it's still gossip that doesn't make it better do you understand what i'm saying so this will this this type of thing stops me from doing i'm going to show you why i cut you off didn't i we were just going through that okay That's funny because those women that followed me into the bathroom 10 years after that, that's one of those things that they told me. Not only does he have a history with domestic violence before he got sober, but he beats his girlfriends in sobriety. To the moon, Alex! I was going to put on a big black eye and watch you. No, she watched. She asked me if she could do it, and I said no. Oh, come on, sponsor. Don't tell him about that. You want to hear this stuff? This one's good. She got me bad. I was speaking at this meeting in the South Bay in Los Angeles, and Tina went with me, right? And of course, I pre-warned her. I said, you know, we're going into one of those dens of inequity that have a history of gossip about me, and blah, blah, bla. And so I didn't see that sparkle in her eye engage. Play time. Feel free to share. So there were probably, I don't know, 200 people at this hospital meeting in Orange County and he got up there and he thanked me for driving down from Hollister because it took five hours to drive down. I picked him up. We drove another hour and a half to the meeting and we skipped our date because he was speaking so that turned into our date. so he thanked me for all that and then he said only a newcomer would drive 5 hours and pick me up and do all that because I had at the time like 22 years sober so I was new to him right so he goes only a new comer would do that so Tina thank you and really loud I said well I have 67 days and you could hear like all these blue haired women in the back just go and i spent the next hour with people in the room like this we are people who jump to conclusions don't we i've got a i've Got a rule for myself if i don't see it i ain't interested in it if i Don't See It I Ain't Interested In It So It's Probably True but I ain't interested in it and that only comes from my own pain you know it's funny how we're going to wrap this into this inventory right here when I feel the pain somehow that changes my mind your pain get over it do an inventory call your sponsor if you got one I don't care but when it hits home what was that ok so let's take a look at part B here we decide and then she'll wrap it up why we do this here we decide the action necessary to make this amend I was to make that amend in person the other options are phone and mail payments and prayer and of course it goes without saying these amends are direct or impossible because that's what we're directed to do make direct amends to the person right in front of them ok after discussing this with your sponsor or trusted friend set out to make the appropriate amendment when we complete the amendment check the box yeah i check the box and then completed because when i'm finished with this eighth step inventory i've got a stack of papers of amends that i have to make and i'm a procrastinator and negative by nature so when i actually get to check off completed i show that i'm making progress as i'm going through my ninth step and uh and the other thing that's important is to make sure you call your sponsor and discuss it with them before you make amends how many of us go out to buy new dresses to make amends to old boyfriends. Talking to your sponsor is critical. Was that before you said lower the hemline? Of course. Okay, good job. Now the spiritual axiom involved. Remember step four? Let's go back to step four for just a minute because a lot of people will dismiss this and they can. It's not in the big book. They'll dismiss it but they don't see the significance of this in step four. Step four, let me run you through that, refresh you just for a minute. Column one of course is Uncle Bob. We'll just say that Column two what did he do to me? Got it? Column three how did what he did, how he affected me See that? So that That resentment inventory is to talk in a controlled atmosphere with another person who's objective so that I can actually, for lack of a better word, purge this poison from my soul. And it's not sympathy seeking because whoever I'm doing my fourth step with and my fifth step with, they're going to let me talk about what he did. And then it's done. I need not go to another podium or top table and ever talk about this again except if it's going to help another alcoholic because if I am, I am now whining and feeling sorry for myself because I have now had the opportunity to discuss this why am I still talking about it and then column 4 we got to take a look at what mistakes I might have made with Bob in the process because I got to clean up my side of the street but the spiritual axiom is is I'm actually looking at what he did to me and how that affected me. And I'm going to tell you, if I retaliated against him, I've got to make that right. And I've Got to know what's going to stop me from retaliating. I've GOT a world of people telling me he deserved what I did. Which means, by the way, I've had that told to me in the workshops over the years. That when they find out what I DID to him in step 8, because I've gotta make amends for it, they say what did you make amends for look what he did to you you hear me that's why this became life changing is because indeed look what He did to me and that justifies my retaliation however that's not going to stop me from retaliating again because by God He deserved it you hear mean now let's take a look at step 8 let's put Uncle Bob here where she's got married. We've got Uncle Bob. What did I do to him? And it doesn't say in retaliation. It says, what did I do to Bob? Column 3 How did what I did to Uncle Bob affect me? Changes everything. Because now I got to see how all the people on my 8-step list, how what I Did to them, how that affected me and all of a sudden I didn't want to do it no more. Because I saw that I was a self-imposed crisis and I couldn't postpone or evade it now because I'm looking right at the results of my behavior. So, I don't get to blame him because I ain't looking at that no more, am I? We're all done looking at what he did to me in the fourth step. All done. In the eighth step I'm look at what I did to him and how that was ruining my life. And guess what i don't want to do it no more i that doesn't mean i don t i'm human i make mistakes does it do i even need to say that but the reality of it is i don' t consciously want to hurt nobody and i don''t consciously want to retaliate no more. I mean i've got plenty of people if i really thought about it that i could have justifiable anger toward and if i was to retaliation friends in my life would probably be happy for me because they're sick of seeing some of the stuff that's going on. But I don't retaliate, even when I think, you know, silence means permission. That's my, by the way, that's my permission to go get them. Because I'm always looking for an inroad to retaliate. But you know what happens to me because I've done so many of these inventories now? As soon as I begin to think I want to retaliation, I remember I'm going to have to look at column three and I'm gonna see how that's gonna hurt me. I got to tell you the truth if I thought I could pull it off without it hurting me there'd be some people that would need bodyguards today because I turn the other cheek but I'm all out I ain't got enough cheeks left to turn anymore they're worn do you know what I'm saying and so there's some people that have done some things in the past five years well for example I saw those three women walk in behind her I saw it I knew what they were up to there's only one or two stools in that bathroom I know either that or their hinky, one or the other I knew what they where doing and you know what I did nothing did I want to I wanted to run in there and intercede because I knew what they are up to here is my experience the woman that they go talk to always leaves that's my experience and I thought nope, I'm not getting involved she's a grown woman she's got to make her own mind up remember that meeting I took you to in the Palisades there's a big meeting in the palisades Sunday morning it's probably the third biggest meeting in LA and I had taken a young lady that I was dating at the time up there and these two older women actually come and met her when I was getting us a cup of coffee And when I turned around, she was gone. And I thought, well, I hope she's doing good. And I'm still holding the coffee and I see all three of them walking in. And she came in, picked up her sweater off the chair and left. And this other woman went just like this. That my life has been special. And so my instinct was to go protect what I thought is mine. But the reality of it is it's not mine, is it? I can't possess. I can only embrace. Big difference. So the difference between a lot of those gals and teenagers was that she wasn't mentally and emotionally vulnerable at the time. Matter of fact, they made a mistake in judgment. She was married to a hell's angel. That made her want to go out with me even more. She said, this guy is exciting. Okay. Okay, do you get the specific difference between this and step four? Now, the fact that people don't use it just because it's not in the big book, I think they sell themselves short. Because if it was good enough for Bill Wilson with Father Dowling, it's by God good enough für me. And so we included it. So if you like to use it, I really suggest you do. Because if you do enough of these, I promise you, you may not consciously know it, but unconsciously where the real problem is, unconsciously you begin to shift because I don't think anybody really wants to hurt themselves do you? and if hurting you hurts me, I don' want to do it no more so that's the significance ok, got it? so let me share a couple experiences and then we're going to do a wrap up for 1 through 9 there's directions in the big book you don't need us to read them to you I don'T think but it's very cautionary about when and to whom to make amends and only you can be that judge I can't make it for you but the one thing I would caution you about is delay 12 and 12 says delay can be fatal so we want someone else to help us gauge the appropriate timing of amends who to make them to I know lots of newcomers that go to meetings and they walk into a nine step meeting and someone's talking about I cheated on my wife and I'm going to go home and make amends immediately. And then he comes back later to do a tenth step on the divorce he's going through. The book is very clear. I'm not giving anybody advice on that. Nobody. My sponsees is different. I'll sit down with them because I know their case specifically. But in general, I don't really know anybody's case except for what they tell me and we already know that what a newcomer tells you is kind of suspicious and skeptical and so I don' t want to get involved in that kind of advice because if they end up getting divorced and because I told them to do something I'm going to take part in the responsibility and I don''t get credit for their sobriety so I dont want credit for the bad stuff either I'm selfish that way but the sponsor knows the case so when I'm working with people If I don't know their case, I don' t give them advice. If I know their cases and I have experience, I'll give them direction. Okay, so I've made some amends. I had to read some amens to family members because they were passed on. I went to my mom and dad's grave. Even though they both died after I was sober, when I redid this work, I can tell you, when i did my first four-step, it was the best I could do. I didn't get any real relief, but it was best I can do. i was taken through it early on the same way most of us are if you're in the meeting you've done your third step and uh i ran on that for seven years till it almost killed me and then in my eighth year when i started doing this research with bill wilson started doing the steps i really know when you when you When a person like me goes through the fourth step as rigorously as we showed you it dawned on me that i had a new amend to make i made amends again second time to my ex-wife because the first time i had an inkling of what i did but by eight years sober i knew what i did and i went back and made amens to her again she wasn't at all interested in it but i made the amend and this time it was i was wrong too i was right i was not wrong to do this i was wrong to do that. I went through a list, because I had a list of all the things I'd done to her. And I went through every single one of them. And when I was done, she said, I don't want to ever see you again. That's the amends you can make me. Stay away from me. And I said, and as I noticed her, my ex-sponsee over in the corner of the room, I thought, okay. I still miss him sometimes. So um and I went back and made direct amends of my mom and dad at their graveside I went back and read my mentum I hope that you don't expect an immediate response because anything that happens that fast is probably frothy or an illusionary response probably but the reality of it is I kind of didn't feel nothing but a few weeks later I was at peace and some other amends I have to make later. You know, I talked about some things with my sponsor. I mean, things happen in Vietnam that I can't. I don't know how to clean that up. Some people say I'm not guilty. If you have anything in your life violent like that and there's no real way to clean it up without indicting yourself, we have no judgment here. I don't care what anybody in this room did I just don't you know what that's between you and your past but we're on a new basis of living here and I must come to terms with where I'm at right here right now and let the past go do you know some people out there won't let it go you know anybody like that they just won't let your past go and that's why I said yesterday that there's so many people living in my past, thank God, there's no room for me. I glance back every now and then and see about 50 people in my path and I think, I don't want to go in that party. Oh, no! It's okay to look back, but it's impolite to stare. And I don' t have time to live in your past. You know, that's what motivates me not to get involved in a bunch of hinky stuff because I know it's going to deny me my life right here otherwise I would because it looks interesting to me a lot of people do it and I'm not going to judge them for it I'm just going to accept that I don't want to do that myself because of the pain I've experienced anybody else experience pain like that? I'm no going to ask anybody to raise their hand if they've done it because I know we probably all have at our own level so I went out and saw Father Pat and remember I had talked about things I did in and around Vietnam and people would say to me Wayne you're not guilty that was war and everybody even the vet center says Wayne you are not guilty when I went up and saw remember I told you yesterday or maybe Friday that I did a list of 10 things my sponsor didn't want to hear and I took it to Father Pat that was some of it and I'm sitting there and I am reading this list of things that I didn't think I could be forgiven for and I didn't think I could stay sober I said this I told Father Pat about that and he just sat there now I just told him some pretty serious stuff and he starts chuckling and I don't see a damn bit thing funny about that he's chuckling and I stopped he goes like this you probably wonder why I'm laughing I said cross my mind he says you think you've committed the unforgivable sin don't ya oh yeah he says you got the ego problem I was starting to go towards number 11 and he says I understand all that but he says listen he says you know why you're feeling guilty about those things I says no I don't he says well it's cause you are it wasn't funny and he says in the spiritual world the spirit doesn't know you're at war it knows you took a human life and you're guilty of that but you had mitigating circumstances And he says, so what that means is that right here, right now, you have forgiveness. You just don't believe it, so you're going to suffer. He says, one day you'll come to believe that you were doing the best you could. You couldn't have done it any differently because you didn't know no better. He says however, now you know better. And he didn't say it was an act of war. He said it's just your spirit doesn't know it's war. Your spirit only knows you took the human life. Now, if you're not predisposed, a lot of people that come back from war it doesn't bother them at all. They have filtered through, that's the way it is. But I've got that ism thing. And when I came back, I cameback different than when I went over there. And I was just tore up inside about some of the things that I had to do. And it didn't matter. It didn't mater that it was wartime. It only mattered the things I did. And I couldn't get my mind wrapped around it. Now I want you to know something. When I left Father Pat, I walked away beginning to get free. and so what I did was I went to the war memorial and I made my amends there to the best of my ability I tried to make peace with it but I have to report to you it's not 100% gone I doubt that it ever will be but it no longer governs my life Tina isn't in fear of her of any injuries when I'm sleeping I no longer toss and turn I have no nightmares of any kind I've been to no therapy for PTSD little by little by little, it might not hurt to go get it but I just didn't I started doing this work and little by little by little it's lifted you know how the promises say our fears fall from us it's like you want to read the promises because that does come part way into step nine doesn't it before we're halfway through Or, if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. How many of you suddenly realize you're really alcoholic? Oh, I've got this thing. I'm an alcoholic. I'm alcoholic. How many just raise their hand and then one day, just out of the blue, uh-oh, I really have this thing? I mean, suddenly. I could do an entire workshop. I could be a doctor. I could give an entire workshop just on the promises. I could use this workshop just out-of-the-promises if I really wanted to. It says, we will not regret the past. How many of us have regrets? How do you get rid of that? I mean, if you really look deep down inside, do you have any sadness about something you wish you had done and you didn't do? That's a regret. Is there something that you wish it hadn't have done that you did do and it just kind of, not big enough to make your inventory, but just enough to dog you every now and then. Like, did you ever want to go to university, but you couldn't? and then someone comes into AA and goes to university and you just don't know why you don't like them? Or you wanted a job that you wasn't qualified for because you didn't go take care of business and then somebody gets a job like that and you have to try to help them understand they need a new job because they don't want to do it. They don't really like that one. I'll tell you, my mind was just eaten alive with regret. and by the way that does not belong on the eight step list you know some people will tell you to put your name at the top of the list that'll just kill you I mean that's a treatment thing that's not an AA thing nowhere in our book does it say that and the reason why is as soon as I put myself at the top ofthe list what I did to other people just doesn't seem so bad because they didn't have it as bad as I did it's like there's no place in our literature where it says to do that but what I DID discover and I'm going to have Tina go through that but what I did discover was that there's a thing that Father Ed Dowling alluded to about regret and what I did was, I did a regret inventory because I had a lot of regrets when you're honest with me, when I got honest with myself I never wanted to look at my regrets because I didn't want to go through that kind of pain because I don't think there was any answer for it but I had lots of regrets number one, I regretted that I couldn't be a policeman I regreted that, it was killing me and I knew there was no chance with my past, with my record I've already told you that I did though so I kind of blew that inventory but in my tenth year of sobriety after doing this work and starting to get on the other side of it, I actually came to believe that maybe my sponsor is right maybe it's possible I did not believe it what's my first response? doubt that's see if you're sitting here with doubt regret is your biggest enemy regret is the biggest enemy of a doubter and i'm and i am a doubler and my sponsor overrode my doubt by telling me to go apply anyway and and i says they're not going to hire me he says i know it apply and by the time i get done with the application process you know i had to tell the truth about things I did, even though my record got legally expunged during the first nine years. I still had to tell the truth on my application. To make a long story short, there was no chance I'm getting hired. I got hired. You know what happened after I got my badge pinned on me at the ceremony? I wasn't even out of there five minutes before I doubted I'd get to keep it. I mean, I just live in the shadow of doubt. And that's why we're going to, when we get to step 11 here in a little bit, we're going to really show you how I have been relieved of the shadow of doubt on a daily basis, a daily retreat. Okay, so my ninth step is finished. It took me many, many years because I had a financial amendment that took a long, long time to pay. Different people have different opinions and experiences about that, so I don't give people advice. In other words, I don'T tell people to go to the rigors I did because that might not be what's in the cards for them. I tell them to make the amend necessary to get free. And if I sponsor them, then they're typically going to go by my experience because I'm their sponsor. But like I said, you want to discuss that with someone who knows your case because someone in a meeting who doesn't know your case can give you some frightful direction that they are unqualified to give because they don't know you're case. And if you don't have anybody in your life that does know you'r case I would suggest you find someone because these steps here can determine the course of my future ok, alright let's wrap that up let's go to step 10 and I want oh I lost my page we're going to do a little reading out of the big book now because there's a point I want to make bear with me You know, there's only a page and a half to step 10 And three pages dedicated to step 11 in the big book Now there's a reason In my experience Why I was a big book thumper when I was I didn't know this until I started doing this work Tina, is it fair to say you're just now learning this? Because we were both big book thumbers and when I say thumper, what I mean is I wasn't very kind about it that thumpers like me actually abuse people with the big book we shove this down their throat we tell them this is the only book there's no other book everything's in the big books everything's silently dismissing everything that's in the 12 and 12 and I have to admit I did that until I was Well, when you have a pistol in your mouth, it opens your mind. Thank God I didn't ventilate it. Okay. It was a polished bullet. Barney Fife would have been proud. Okay, this thought brings us to step 10. Oh, I beg your pardon. I want to give you the paragraph that follows the promises. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we pray for them. If we wait for them, you can tell I'm being glib, can't you? They will also materialize if we work for them Some people think they just get the promises and what they get is glimmers of them they get glances at them like white light experiences and then the fears come back, anybody's fears come back after they did their fourth and fifth step see the promises says our fears fall which means we're probably not going to know they're gone until something comes up for you, oh my god I don't have that no more I have a lot of those by the way if we work for them this thought brings us to step 10. If we work for them, this thought brings us to step ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commence this way of living the twelve steps as we clean up the past. In other words, we don't wait until we're completed with step nine to start step ten. as soon as we get done making our list and reviewing it, it's steps 10, 11 and 12 daily we have entered the world of the spirit we are no longer in the material world we have now entered that doesn't mean we stay there we have entering the world of the Spirit our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness I'm no longer coming to AA to get I'm coming to AA to receive there's a big difference in that word I'm no longer a taker there's no difference between a takER and a receiver you gotta be open to receive this is not an overnight matter it should continue for a couple of weeks it should continue for our lifetime continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty resentment and fear continue to watch for those when these crop up we ask God that wants to remove them we discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help love and tolerance of others is our code now where I come from tolerance is no longer the context it's become mandatory acceptance love and intolerance means I will tolerate as much as I can until it becomes a distraction. But I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior, but people who like to live in unacceptable behavior are the loudest ones to say, where's the love and tolerance? Because they want to make us accept their bad behavior. So a lot of people, including myself when I was back in the day, when I said you can't make me or I can't help myself I'm powerless that was my favorite they said well we can help you with it as I noticed before I landed on the sidewalk outside my group love and tolerance is our code absolutely it is it means anybody who's alcoholic can come in this room no matter what their other problems are as long as you're alcoholic and we will tolerate them because you tolerated me but mandatory acceptance is not part of this code and that helped me out in life because i'm a victim we already discovered that yesterday didn't we i live a victim's life and i've discovered that victims don't get to stay sober so i have to outgrow my tendency to play the victim card because it's part of my nature so i had to find a way to get out of that and the inventory process denying myself permission to feel sorry for myself which is huge does anybody else have a problem with self pity? we found that out yesterday didn't we do you know that since I realized that self pity is the kissing cousin of depression I found out I was kissing the wrong cousin like every time I told the doctor I was depressed I mean every single time I was in self pity now I'm not saying it wasn't justified what happened but it looked like depression there's times I couldn't get out of bed why? because I'm so busy thinking about myself I can't move I'm thinking about how bad my life is the bad things that happen to me I can'T even get out OF BED they call that depression and then they give me a pill and it has they treat the symptom and not the problem. Get my butt out of bed and give me something to do. But then I'm too depressed to do it. What about me? Do you understand? What? Where's mine? Oh, my God. No wonder nobody wanted to talk to me. They called me a human buzzkill. Like if you were having a good day, hey, I just had to get in your vicinity and it was affecting you. You ever had a stick in the mud? You ever go out somewhere and all of a sudden they show up? And right away, right away just their presence. Everybody else goes like this. I could walk into a room and people would be and then all of the sudden okay where's that love and tolerance of others is our code and we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol for by this time sanity will have returned fighting now some of us Tina has her problem with this as well she admitted it yesterday everything's fighting so I don't have to deal with anything we cease fighting anything and anyone I'm not fighting with you I mean, you ask someone a question they respond, I'm no fighting with you. I just want you to answer my question. Apparently it's going to lead to a fight but we, often we use this, we use the big book to bury ourselves in more instead of as the latter out It says we have ceased fighting anything and any one. That's an unconscious thing in my experience it's like I don't fight alcohol I don' t fight it at all but remember when we were new how many people have tried to quit smoking or tried to quits something that you were really dependent on it gets ugly for other people doesn't it I mean my ex-wife bought me a carton of cigarettes and said smoke them or move my trying to quit was affecting her because I wasn't happy By the way, I moved. No, I haven't had a cigarette in over 30 years. I know this is AA. I'm just mentioning that. For by this time, sanity will have returned. I can now have conversations with people. I mean, I still get into the fight a little bit. I still do. I like my point to be right. I really like being right a lot, especially when I am. i have uh not got the attachment to being right that i once did you can tell by my contrary mind would you agree with that i mean yeah i don't mind she can tell the truth about me up i don'T CARE WHAT SHE SAYS ABOUT ME HERE I'M NOT MY LIFE'S TRANSPARENT I'M Not AFRAID ANYTHING SHE'S GOT TO SAY ABOUT ME WE HAVE AN AGREEMENT WITH EACH OTHER WE TALK OPENLY WE DON'T SAY THINGS THAT I DON'T Say NONE THAT COULD EMBARRASS HER AND I HOPE SHE DOESN'T SAY NONE a little embarrassed. We don't do that to each other. But I think you know what I mean, don't you? Is that in this work, this is a workshop setting. You guys get to just listen to this. But we're up here and we have agreed to share some things about ourselves. So we're open books. Do you know What I mean? Within reason. And I'm done fighting. I'm done. And yet I'm still carrying around that flag. not fighting and surrendering is two different things in my book ok we're going to read on here we're gonna show you how there's no real directions in step 10 that's gonna stop me in the big book we will seldom be interested in liquor just when I see the Clydesdales if tempted we recoil from it as if from a hot flame we react, we react there it is again we react sanely and normally we react and we will find that this has happened automatically that's through a disciplinary function we will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part it just comes that's the beauty I don't got to be concerned about not fighting it that's going to happen to me as a result of the actions I take at AA that is the miracle of it We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. Okay, that's the miracle of it. Am I the miracle? There's another miracle. First it's AA, now the miracle of it is our fears fall away. They just fall away. We feel as though we've been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. Oh my God. Safe and protected Isn't that part of the Faulty Emotional Dependency Syndrome? To find some person, place thing to plug into, so I feel safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. By the way, cocky looks like this. I ain't drinking the rest of my life. That's cocky. I'm not drinking. What would you say to me? You don't mind if I say it. She was a bit cocky when I met her. Big book thumpers like me are. What were you saying? Which? About not drinking the rest of your life I planned to stay sober the rest of my life she didn't see that as cocky it's my intention to stay sober that was a very flavorful masterful interpretation of that egotistical statement and then I'd throw in one day at a time I used to just flat out tell you I ain't never drinking again shut up that is our experience that is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition so that would suggest if I don't keep in fit spiritual conditions what's going to happen I'm going to be vulnerable again it is easy to let up on a spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels does anybody know what laurels are laurels Are Our Achievements Our Rewards How many of you have ever done something and about halfway through they gave you a pat on the back and so you quit apparently I got what I was looking for I know some construction workers where I'm from you've got to be careful how much money you give them up front you might not get a finished job we are headed for trouble if we do for alcohol as a subtle foe we are not cured of alcoholism what we really have is a daily reprieve remember that daily reprive contingent, that's a condition contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. How do we maintain our spiritual condition? Steps 10, 11, and 12. Every day, which day? I thought we only had Monday through Sunday. What's every? It's glib. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. How can I best serve thee thy will not mine be done? That would suggest that God's willing to all our activities. How can I best serve Thee. That would suggest to me that's how I carry this vision into my activities, by serving. Serving God as I understand Him. These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions remember take advice and accept direction we have begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us to some extent we become God conscious we have began to develop this vital sixth sense but we must go further and that means more action step 11 suggests prayer and action now in that page and a half did you hear very many directions we watch out for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear I mean now I want to make an opinion it's my opinion that many people who dismiss the 12 and 12 are people who have discovered that the big book requires very little work really, on you requires a lot of work on other people but very little work, it's like you have the four step and that's it, then you list the names and go make the amends, but there's no writing no writing step 1, no writing step 2, no written step 3 no writing in step 8 except for a list there's no inventory and then you go to step 10 and all you're going to do is look for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, fear I like that because it's if you're an alcoholic of my type this alone was killing me now if you say that in a meeting the sharpshooters come out guess who was the sharmshooter I came up with that name because I was one I could hit a target at 900 yards. You hear what I'm saying? I can do that with my mouth too. Okay. Now, let's look at the 12 and 12. And then Tina is going to do one of these inventories for us. Now you go to the 12th and 12th. And I'm only going to read. Let me read this. As we work the first nine steps, we prepare ourselves for the adventure of a new life. Uncover, discover, discard. I'm not in my new adventure yet. until I get to steps 10, 11 and 12 I'm still in the problem that's why I sometimes don't feel so hot doing steps 1 that's Why a lot of us I think quit in the middle of the steps because it doesn't feel hot and that'sWhy a lotof people that come to this workshop over the years they make it through Saturday and they don't come back on Sunday they either go to church they go to their home group they just don't want to come back and isn't that like an alcoholic we don't come back for the answer because we live in the problem and how many of us used to sober live in the problem and the symptoms of the problem and then when it comes to the solution we skimp on it we don't do it every day do we some people call that perfection when you do this every day I've been accused of thinking I'm perfect because I admit that I do this every single day I don't take no days off it's like when I went to Australia you? I picked up a day. Right? That's a day off. Maybe your mind doesn't think like that. As we work the first nine steps, we prepare ourselves for the adventure of a new life. But when we approach step 10, we commence to put our AA way of living to practical use day by day in fair weather or foul. It's interesting that they put it like that because How many of us don't really do it when everything's going well? And we become fire engine sobriety. It's like, we just go along until it hits the fan. Crap, did you have that saying over here? Crap hits the van. You might use a different word. Bollocks or what? Most of us duck. We don't try to turn off the fan then comes the acid test can we stay sober remember so many people make fun of emotional sobriety in AA can we stays over keep an emotional balance and live to good purpose under all conditions that's the acid text another way of saying it how that working for you a continuous look at our assets and liabilities now we're looking at the good and the bad They call them assets and liabilities because good and bad is judgmental, isn't it? Right and wrong. We try to look at assets and Liabilities. Bill likes to look At It from a business perspective, and I like that. Now here's where it gets hinky. It continues to look AT Our Assets and Liabilities and a real desire to learn and grow by this means. That got me. I got inflicted with that. I wanted to grow and learn through the inventory process our necessities for us we always have learned this the hard way more experienced people of course in all types of places have practiced unsparing self-survey and criticism how many of us like to criticize ourselves I want you to know something I can take your criticism because you ain't going to criticize me nothing like I criticize myself I look at myself with a critical eye with love for the wise have always known no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit until he is able to admit and accept what he finds until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong I want to re-read that because that's our goal from here on out in step 10 make self-serving self-reaching a regular habit admit and except what I find patiently and persistantly try to correct what is wrong. Is that not directions? I mean, I had to play with it a little bit, but that's how I see it. Those are directions for me. One more time. Make self-searching a regular habit. Admit and accept what I find. Patiently and persistently try to correct what is wrong. And you know what? Every human being has a light and dark side. A negative and a positive. Assets and liabilities. Every human beings got them but i thought you were telling me to ignore my liabilities and just look at how wonderful i am tina and i were talking about that remember we talked about that yesterday i'm using tina only because she opened the door she was talking about how she would i think he talked about it or maybe it was just me and you she talked about how she would look only at your assets and ignore the fact that your liabilities far outweigh them and then make it okay to hang out with you and then your liabilities would overtake me too and then it would be my fault and then I could feel sorry for myself that's the cycle I mean this is devious isn't it it sounds like a lot of head work but it's really not when you do it day by day little by little patiently and persistently ok now let's jump to the next page in the 12 and 12 when a drunk has a tricky hangover because he drank heavily yesterday he cannot live well today we had some of those outside our window didn't we but there's another kind of hangover which you all experience whether you're drinking or not this is the emotional hangover got any emotionally hung over people in their sobriety really that is the emotional hang over the direct result of yesterdays and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion anger, fear, jealousy and the like if we would live serenely today and tomorrow we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers this doesn't mean we need to wander morbidly around in the past it's ok look back, simple like a stare it requires an admission and correction of errors now how many of us don't do that how many just go to bed with this stuff on our mind have you ever gone to bed mad at your mate then you wake up in the morning you can't remember what you're mad about but you know you're supposed to be mad because you went to bed mad so then you start looking for stuff to be mad about to reconcile the fact you're mad our inventory enables us to settle with the past when this is done we are really able to leave it behind us so that would mean people that are still living in the past have not faced it and left it behind have they they still regret things in their past when our inventory is carefully taken we have made peace with ourselves, the conviction follows that tomorrow's challenges can be met as they come. Which means if I'm still living in the past I have no future. And I can't understand why I feel hopeless even in AA. How many of us have been in AA feeling like we don't fit in, don't belong, not a part of what's wrong with me? I'm hopeless. I'm in AA and I'm sober. It has to do with the fact that we're probably inadvertently and innocently not complete with steps 10, 11, and 12 daily although all inventories are like in principle the time factor does distinguish one from another now all these inventories are found in your notes there's a spot check inventory you want to pull that up there's the spot check inventory you'll find that on page 74 I think 74 ok what we've done is we've taken there's 12. We've taken 7 from the big book and 5 from the 12 and 12 and listed them. That's the spot check inventory. Taken at any time of the day, whether we find ourselves getting whenever we find yourselves getting tangled up. There's one we take a day's end when we review the happenings of the hours just passed. That's the daily balance sheet on page 75. Now here we cast out a balance sheet crediting ourselves with things well done and chalking up debits where due. You hear that? Crediting ourselves and debiting ourselves. He doesn't put good bad in here. He keeps the judgment out. It's brilliant. Then there are those occasions when alone or in the company of our sponsor or spiritual advisor we make a careful review of our progress since the last time. Many AAs went for an annual or semi-annual house cleaning. Many of us also experience an occasional retreat from the outside world where we can quiet down for an undisturbed day that wouldn't be Friday for an un-disturbed day or so so we or so of overhaul self-overhaul and meditation boy how many times you hear people tell us don't look at yourself don't dig don't take myself too much don't don't don't dig don't dig too deep there's a guy who does a four step inventory that's not according to the big book he wrote his own and it's a seven question inventory all his sponsors do that they don't do the one in the big book they do that one and the reason he does that is because he doesn't want them getting too locked in themselves by looking. But again, that's someone else's opinion and differentiation from the book Elkhoish Namas and the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Because it says, basically I'm going to paraphrase, it says we're safe in doing this if we do it with another person. But a lot of us don't do that and we get locked in ourselves. So from that regard his thinking makes sense. But when you put it up against the big book to 12 and 12, it's completely out of line with our program because we're not supposed to do this alone, are we? We're supposed to be supposed to go through this with another person. A lot of us get in trouble because we don't ask for help. Oh no, that was TJ. Okay. TJ used to do this workshop with me before he got married and had kids. And TJ would always do his 10 step, but he would talk about how he heard me tell him to do This Alone. That's what he heard. He heard me tell him to do this alone. And he was having trouble getting the step work done that I asked him to do, and he just couldn't get it done. And I said, what's your problem? And then I saw it. I said are you getting any help with this? He says didn't you tell me to do it alone? I said Are you nuts? Doing it alone is like putting a gun in his eye, giving a newcomer a big book and a dictionary is like giving them a loaded gun to fire at their sponsor as far as I'm concerned. Okay. aren't these practices joy killers now that's why a lot of people don't do it and if they don't read the 12 and 12 they never read that line aren't These Practices Joy Killers as well as time consumers let me tell you when I first started doing this I was out of my flipping mind and it took a long time just to get through one tenth step writing it because my mind was racing and it was like I couldn't focus. And so I'd get frustrated and throw it away. And then I would start over. And people would tell me, you're just way too hard. Nowhere in the big book does it... Okay, back off, bucko. Must AA spend most of their waking hours drearily rehashing their sins of omission or commission? Well, hardly. the emphasis is on inventory the emphasis on inventory is heavy only because a great many of us have never really acquired the habit of accurate self appraisal I mean if we don't read the literature we don' t really get our mind opened up to the advancement Bill made when he and Father Dowling went through the steps they denied themselves the advanced more has been revealed through Bill Wilson and Father Ed Dowling. And there's many, many people in AA I'd like to believe innocently denying themselves this added information that was revealed that freed Bill Wilson and it freed me. For sure. And there are a few other people in this room that it's begun to free that's been doing it for a while. Can I use you Joe? Even Joe came back today. Joe was don't add. Joe was greatly disturbed yesterday and blew out of here. He did what he had to do to make it back. And he made it back! There's been people who leave this workshop, they not only don't come back but they spend the next five years bad-mouthing it to everybody they see at meetings. Joe's been doing this for a while. Are you tracking with me? It gives me the chance to let my ego go and come back through. How many of us have ruined a relationship just out of pride? I'm not going back even though I know I was wrong. I know I'm the one that caused this problem, but I'll be damned if I'm going to apologize. Like I... Never mind. Okay. Just want to read one more thing. Once this healthy practice... Now, he calls it a healthy practice. Self-appraisal through the inventory process. Once this healthy practice has become grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed. For these minutes and sometimes hours spent in self-examination are bound to make all the other hours of the day better and happier. And at length, our inventories become a regular part of everyday living rather than something unusual or set apart. What happened to me was when I first started doing this 23 years ago, when I started doing it regularly it was tough I felt like I was the only one in my group doing it some people were laughing at me telling me that I was making way too hard a going of this and I'm trying to be Mr. A trying to do it trying to perfect and I have to tell you I was listening because my first reaction is what? doubt so I'm listening to them and my sponsor is over here saying I don't know for sure what you're doing because I don' t have to do that but you better keep doing it because this is the first time I've seen you sit in your chair quietly so ignore those people they have no idea what you're going through he said that about those other people that are agitating me and my sponsor's voice was louder than my head seemed like he was yelling at me but I think he was just trying to get above the chaos ok so there's a spiritual axiom Oh, forgive me. And at length our inventories become a regular part of everyday living rather than something that you will set apart. So it becomes a usual everyday checklist because I don't have to do a written inventory every day. But when I first started doing this, I seemed to be doing about 10 a day. And that's where people were saying, you're working too hard at this, you know, just blah, blah, bla. I wanted to hear that because I really, I wanted the result but I didn't want the effort that was involved in getting the result. that this book talks about. I wanted what Bill talked about in here. I wanted what I read about him and I knew I wasn't even going to get it just by following the limited directions of the big book and I'll tell you that's enough to get me shot at an AA meeting in the US. I'm not I'm accused of putting down a big book. Does it sound to you like I'm putting this book down? No, I'm picking it up as a matter of fact and I'm applying it with this one. All I'm saying is I'm not going to limit myself when Bill gave us another book that has directions that this book doesn't have in other words he said have an open mind Wayne and use them both and I allowed other people to persuade me not to pick up this book until I was 7 and I found this information because there are people who will tell you not to read this book or they'll just read it for steps 6 and 7 ok that's enough of that I don't like to read all that much isn't she rude okay so spot check inventory we got that page 74 daily balance sheet page 75 the books the big book says we pause when agitated or doubtful there's two words there we pause when aginated or doubtful and my god that means I'm like this all day It's like people thought I was back on meds. Jesus, every thought was a doubt. And you know what? I've got to tell you the truth. Pausing when agitated or doubtful saves an awful lot of inventory work. That's all I've Got to Tell You. Why? Because I did an awful Lot of Inventory Work. And I don't do it so much anymore. So Tina is going to show us. If you want to comment about that because you need to set that up, right? she's going to do a step 10 inventory and then she's gonna do a regret inventory and she's gonna tell you some stories wrapped around that and I may or may not interject as she goes when Wayne and I first started seeing each other he shared with me yeah he shared with me a rule that he had in place with people in his life and asked me if I wanted to participate in that And it's called the 48-hour rule. And I didn't want to participate in that, and I'll tell you why in a minute. What that is is if he does something or I do something that bothers the other person, we have 48 hours to bring it up and discuss it. And if it's not important enough to bring up in that first 48 hours, then we never get to bring It up again. And I don't know about you, but I am a grudge collector. I like to harbor stuff until later when I do something that makes him mad or bothers him, he brings it up. And then I go, yeah, but six months ago, remember when you and I never have to look at what he's bringing to my attention. So this 10th step is wrapped around kind of that 48-hour rule in a time when I was trying to violate it because I don'T think the rules apply to me sometimes. They're bendable and negotiable where I'm concerned. And so he had shared that rule with me, and then I agreed to it, and then i was trying to break it. And again, I don't know about you, but I'm not a good pauser when agitated. And I am also not a Good Restrainter of Pen and Tonguer. And when I get angry about something, if I don' t pause, or if I do' n't stop in inventory and pay attention what I'm doing, I just fly completely off the handle. So this is a fun inventory. It wasn't at the time, but anyway. Let me interject. Yeah. So you don't get too far off the beam on the idea of the $48 rule. I put that in place for May because I was a violent person and I can't bring anything forward. So my sponsor had a discussion with me about how to prevent me from harboring grudges. Anybody else harbor grudging? Do you ever, let's say you have a mate and everything is going along fine. And maybe six months ago you might have said something to him or her that seemed innocuous at the time. But then six months later he or she says something to you about something they don't like. And my first reaction is, well yeah what about what you did? And when was that? And it's said so that you don't have to discuss what's being brought to you. And I was like that. and so I was constantly in fight constantly, never looking at my mistakes always trying to shadow it onto you so that you would never bring up to me something you don't like about me, in other words I don't ever want to be held accountable for my behavior and I don'T want you to ever tell me you DON'T like something about me and soI would harbor things about you that I DON'T LIKE, I WOULDN'T TELL YOU I would just wait till you brought something up to ME and I would GATLING GUN YA with all the things I don't like about you and you get so wore down that you're too tired to tell me what you're mad about. Then I'd dance off the winner. And so I incorporated a 48-hour rule for myself. I decided that if I don' t bring something up, I mean I can always mention that I don''t like this but I want some time to, I want two or three days to process it. That's bringing it up. Bring it up! Okay, I will bring up something. You can ask Tina. I'll bring up Something I Don't Like before 48 hours is up because I don't want to live in the shadow of doubt. And it may be bogus, but how am I going to know that if I don' t bring it up? It may be completely innocent, but if I do' n't bring it u I can' t face my own doubt. You see, when I bring something up, it isn' t always about her at all. It's me, but I'm filtering it through her. and if she's not willing to talk to me about it, I can't get to the truth. That is really my own fear. And if she has got sensitivity issues, we'll never get to do that because she's going to get mad at me justifiably so because I'm erroneously bringing something up. Or she could take the tact, we're going to talk about this so he can see where he's wrong. Now that's a new idea, isn't it? Because we take things as an indictment of our character as opposed to an acknowledgment of our condition. And so, if I don't bring it up within 48 hours, it's not coming up. It's just not. And then I started asking other people to play along because I found out other people are grudge collectors too. And when I would say something that I don' t like, she would fire up to me something I did And I have no idea I did it, and that's strictly meant to shut me up. And I knew that. And so I'm not saying her, her. I'm saying in deference to other people. And so, I live by that rule. If other people are in my life and they don't honor the 48-hour rule, I walk away. Not because I'm hardcore or rigid, but because it's not safe. And when you come from my world, I must be safe with myself. And is it really that difficult that if you don't like something, bring it up within 48 hours? because it must be important. But if you wait 48 hours to bring it up and then you wait until somebody's mad to bring It up, that's not bothering me. That's a weapon. That's A tool. So that rule works really well for me in my life and it's really served us well in our relationship. Of course, that's my opinion. I agree. So you want to read? Are you done setting that up? Yeah. Okay. Okay, step 10. Remember, step 10, continue to take personal inventory. Is that not a continuation of step 4? Only with a little divot, if you will, a caveat. We've included the 12th one. Okay? So, column 1 is who or what? If this column slash inventory is related to anger or resentment, circle the R. If it's related to fear or faulty emotional dependency because now we're looking for that see if I don't start looking for how I'm engaging in faulty emotional dependencies, I won't know if it's a dependency or if it is a healthy interdependence so now I'm looking at fear or faulty emotional dependency circle the F sex conduct circle the S then list the name of the person, institution or thing involved in this problem it was resentment against Wayne and there's the date on there too, yeah? It was the 9th of March last year. Did I leave all that for date on? Yeah, you want to mark the date. I didn't put that in instruction but you want it marked as date because this will become an annual review. In other words, I take all my 10 steps collected and at the end of the year I go through them all. I review my year and I want you to know something. I almost always now know that my year was a really good year because most of my inventories are progressive. And they're not as negative as they once were. It's like, wow, compared to a year ago, I'm doing pretty good. What do I do? I compare myself against you. And I don't have a chance of coming out fair because I never pick people that I can be fairer with. I always pick people I'm less than. I don' t doubt it. Less than. so what I do is I don't compare my sobriety to anyone else I compare it to where I was a year ago how am I doing it based on myself God if I compared Andrew with some people I can't understand if I compare my morning to him I might be shrewd you know what I'm talking about I compare my progression according to my history nobody else that wasn't always true Has anybody else ever done that? Look at your life and compare it to somebody else And then beat yourself up I used to do that Don't do it anymore And this is the method I used The other thing that's great about that date too Is when I first started doing these 10 steps Because in the book it says We look for resentment, self pity And fear And so I would As I was doing my 9th step amends I would like cruise along For 6 months And then there would be a blip on the radar and I would think, oh, got to pay attention to step 10 there and then I'd cruise along for four more months and not do regular inventories and then i would do whatever facsimile of prayer and meditation i was doing at the time and work with other people but when i started doing these my most prominent characteristic was sarcasm and i would take shots at you tj explained sarcasm it comes from the latin word of sarcosis It's like grabbing hold of a hangnail and ripping it all the way up to your elbow. It means the tearing of human flesh by word. And I was sarcastic to the very core of my being, and my defense was, lighten up, you take everything so serious. It wasn't meant to be personal. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Come on, it's funny. I was just joking. That was my favorite one. I'm just joking, but I would like take these verbal shots at you, and then I would take inventory. Sometimes two and three and four of them every single day on being sarcastic and taking shots at you. And then I noticed one day that I hadn't done an inventory on sarcasm, a tenth step, for like four or five days. And so I get to see how that spreads out. And it's by continuous, repetitive inventory of the same thing over and over and again. It used to make me mad. I'd think, well shoot, I could just change the date and not redo the inventory because I'm doing the same things. But these inventories repetitively make me stop that behavior. Let me show you something else. Here's what I think it's kind of alluding to. Where's the problem center? In the mind, the mind's eye, the might of man, biblically, mind of man we're not leaving you women out you know what I mean please don't use that as dismissal information but where's all my problems generate from here so when we do step 4 through 9 we rid that stuff that's conscious but what about the unconscious isn't that where alcoholism really lives? Remember the iceberg? 10% is conscious. That's obvious, and isn't that what we really inventory is the obvious? When we get to steps 10, 11, and 12 doing it over and over again stirs this up and many of us say this doesn't feel good I'm not doing it I felt good before I did that and the truth of the matter is is the constant inventory process brings all that up to the surface so it can be like harmless steam after the fire. And eventually believe it or not, that gets emptied out. And if we keep the tank empty through step 10, 11 and 12 as soon as it gets in, we move towards correction when? Now. Get it out of there before it can settle down and stay. And you know what? Isn't that what really darkens our day is the past? I don't have a past right now. I have a pass in the mind of other people. but my past is at rest I think that's why I sleep well except when I'm working when I am in a workshop I don't sleep a lot because my mind is processing and I am ok with it I give myself permission to process and I don' t get too tired Friday night I was exhausted last night I fell asleep at dinner for a minute all of a sudden see my head I am tired but I know that's only because my head has been working 10 times as much as my body has and it's not a bad thing I always get enough rest we got up this morning and I was ready now when we're done with this workshop I will be pooped but it's a good thing it's not like that wasted energy worrying about things because you get just as tired worrying don't you? anybody got any worry warts in the room? we worry, we overthink we dwell on another word for obsession we begin to dwell we dread Any other dreaders in here? You know, dread what's coming tomorrow. Maybe you've got a court date or something. You dread any people who took tests that dread tests. How about, here's a good one. When I quit the Sheriff's Department in 1992 to move to California, part of my duty was at the county, I was a county sheriff's deputy, and so we had jurisdiction over the county hospital, and it was a psychiatric hospital. And it was a forensic psychiatric hospital where the crazy criminals were put. We had all that. And on my last day, we got tripped out to the county hospital where they have a few AIDS patients that are in late-stage HIV, but they're incarcerated, they can't leave. And we have a standing rule on the street, because we have an enlistment of people that we know that are on the streets, not just the criminals but the addicts that are active HIV and we don't taser them, we don's touch them now some people say that's cruel but you know what, that's just the SOP and me and my partner got tripped into the psych ward and they have this giant plate glass window it's almost impossible to break but this woman had a nurse by the throat and she's an HIV patient and she is in the last stages and she got a hold of this nurse, not very strong, but this nurse weighed about 80 pounds soaking wet and she's choking the life out of that nurse and she is banging her own head into that glass trying to break it. And I didn't think of the SOP and I just went in there to break him up because I thought the nurse was going to die and she caught a hold on me, got my thumb in her mouth and started chewing on it until blood was running down my arm. The HIV patient was. and so I had her mouth locked on my hand and it was bleeding really bad she cut through it and I had to go to the doctor you think I wasn't dreading that let me tell you I thought oh my god I'm going to have AIDS and they hadn't documented any oral transmission but I was certain I was going to get it and that's logical so I went to the doctor so that they could test me to make sure I don't have it now because you knew I was going to get some type of benefits from the county but they wanted to make Sure I didn't have it to start with so they tested me and of course it came back negative and I had to go get tested every six months for five years and boy that first test that first six months was heinous but I want you to know something I started applying, I did, I started applying this, you know what what are we going to do I started working the program I overcame my fear and by that last test I walked in there without a conscious thought of fear at all and of course it came back negative but that was 5 years you understand the dread that's dread dreading the outcome of the test dreadingthe test wishing I would have clocked her instead of helped her but you know what here it is now I'm glad that I saved that nurses life and if I would have been thinking I was risking my own I don't know what I would of done does that make the point though this work really works I'm living proof because I'm a guy who would have never went near her I would not have interdicted in that I would've said you know what that's an HIV I ain't going near her somebody throw a mattress on her like they're supposed to do but it's so important what time did we start 10.30? We start a quarter after? Oh. Okay, so it's so important that we do that. Let's take a ten minute break.