Making Amends and the Ninth Step – 12 Step Workshop – 2025 – Part 4 of 4 – Sandy B.

Five years later, and he's coming up and he said, well, I know this stuff. I mean, I'll talk to you about it, but I am not. And the sponsor said, all right, let's just leave it that way, that you feel it would be, you'd end up in jail or that it would Be, you can't do it. Let's just live with it. Leave it that away. But if you find that you can' t live with it and it's threatening your sobriety, then come back and we'll talk about it. Well, six months later, he was back. He said, I just can't. I've got to go back. I've Got to Go Do That. He said do you remember the address? Oh yeah, I've GOT all the addresses. I know exactly where they are. So they came up with the idea that he would just do it at suppertime and just walk up and knock on the door. And whoever answered the door, he'd say, do you remember seven years ago when your house was broken into and TV and all that? And he went from house to house to house, and no one called the police. Everyone forgave him. One guy wanted a couple hundred bucks. Look, it was worth a lot more, but if you said I'd have to do it in $10 installments, fine. That'll be fine. The last house that he went to. Have you heard this story? Yeah, he went and the lady said, oh yes, I remember that. Why don't you come in and have a cup of tea? And he says, well, I want to somehow make amends to you for stealing your TV and the silver and all this stuff. And he said, somehow I want to make amending. She said, you already have. You'll never know what you've done for my husband and I. And he said, why? She said, all these years we thought our son did that and was lying about it. You have just healed our family. Pretty powerful story about making amends. And so we talked with our sponsor to put it in the right category. Like it might have been too soon. And six months earlier, he might have chickened out halfway through or he might have said the wrong words. Something that just didn't quite, or it was the wrong time to see the people. But somehow, six months later, it was. Now, in my own story, I had this incident where I was sober 25 years or whatever it was and I was living in Washington, D.C. The Redskins were on their way to the Super Bowl again. and I'm getting it Sunday afternoon and it's about seven minutes of two or one, whatever the game was starting back then and I got my popcorn and Cokes and everything's ready and I am going to be in front of the TV and at about seven months or seven minutes or two a memory bubble comes up from inside of me and it says you remember the guy you went through flight school with back in the 50s, Bill Marseille? yeah you still owe him ninety dollars for that month's rent that you borrowed and never gave back i went god damn that's right holy he was very close to my wife and i and another couple and we used to party together and all that and i was always out of money when payday right before payday and i'd borrow the 90 bucks for rent rent was ninety dollars and um then from him because because he had extra money. And then when I got paid, I'd pay him back. Well this one time, I borrowed it, he got transferred to the next stage in flight school, so I didn't pay him but I was gonna pay him as soon as I saw him. And then I saw them when we were there, I forgot. And then said oh, when we get to the next duty station, he was ahead, then I'll pay him there. And then we were together for four or five months and I just, I gotta pay him that back and I never did. Of course, he never mentioned it. Now 25 years, I don't know how many years later, 30. And I remember. And so my conscience says you've got to get a hold of him and tell him you're sorry and pay him back. I said yeah, you're right. I'll do that. No, now. Well, the game starts. I can't find anybody. The headquarters Marine Corps isn't open. How am I going to find out where he went? Well, think about it. What do you know about Jesus? Come on. I've got this thing going. You know how your conscience won't give you a break? Shut up down there. Sit here. And I knew I wasn't going to enjoy the game. God, he was driving me crazy down in there. Well, what do you know about him? Well, I don't know. He liked to ski. Well, ski. How many places can you ski? Call some of those places. Where do you ski, Colorado? I don' t know anything about Colorado. Where else? Vermont. Vermont. I came from New England. I went, Vermont. Yeah, okay, it's a deal. I'll call the information in Vermont. he had a very unusual name and if he's not there I'm watching the game and my conscience goes okay hello Vermont operation yeah do you have a William P. Marseille you do alright what's the number what's that what's a number no we got about two minutes to kick off okay thank you thank you he won't be home what are the odds on him being home hello Bill yeah hi oh it's Andy Beach Oh, Sandy, how are you? God damn, it's so good to hear from you. I can't believe it. Bill, look, I'm in a hurry, Bill. I've got to make this short. I don't tell them there's a game coming. I'm just saying. I've Got to Make This Short. Anyway, Bill, here's what happened. You know, I drank so much while I joined AA 20-something, whatever it was, years ago. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm happy. I can tell you. But we have a thing. We have to make amends. And back in the 50s, I borrowed the 90s. He says, I vaguely remember that. I'm not sure. I said, Bill, trust me. I owe you the money. What's your address? I've got to mail it to you. All right, I'll give you the address. I'm going to add some interest on it. Thank you, Bill. No, no, no. Boom. Now I can watch the game in peace. And the next day, I write a check and I mail it off. And a couple weeks later, I get a box of gifts. he ran a gift shop at the ski resort and it had wind chimes and scarves and all these things from the ski resort I think I sent him $200 here comes $300 worth of merchandise that comes back so he calls me up and he says we're moving to North Carolina here's our number down there let's get together and I said yeah we got to get together we got do that and we never called you know but fast forward probably seven years. I'm speaking in North Carolina at a convention. I finish the talk and people are standing in line. They're going, hi, thank you, hi. This lady says, you don't know me. My name is Kathy Marseille. That's such an unusual name. I said, oh, Bill Marseilles' wife? She said, no, I'm his widow. He died of a heart attack about six months ago. And And I said, oh, I'm so sorry. I wish I had looked him up. And then I went, what are you doing here? She said, I am in Al-Anon. After you called him, he was so excited about what you said about AA, he got sober and joined AA. So my amend was a 12 step call that I didn't know about. And so I'm just saying that these amends that may look like they make no sense, where I'm going to go back to some boss that I worked for and I'm gonna go there and say, I'm sorry, I was such a lousy employee. I've joined AA, I'm trying to get my life straightened out and I owe you an apology for the way I worked here and I just want you to know it. Now the guy could say, well you're still a jerk, get out. But we've done our job. and that may happen once in 50 times. Most of the time, we're met with a very respectful reaction. Well, thanks for coming by. That was nice of you to do that. But how many times we're going to have something else happen where he says, listen, my son's an alcoholic. What am I supposed to do about it? Could you sit and talk to me about that? Yeah, be glad to. never would have happened unless we were making these direct amends. So you can see this is an incredibly powerful part of the program, very powerful. It reconnects us to the human race and makes us realize we are not isolated individual, but we're part, we're all part of a bigger being our higher power we're all just part of it and when one of us suffers the other people are suffering we don't realize that we may not even know them but we can feel their suffering as we get sober and we are connected again so we stop doing things that cause suffering and we look for suffering that we can help where our specialty is other alcoholics other people are helping different kinds of suffering. And we are suddenly plugged in at a different level. And so you can see there's something monumental occurring in the eighth and ninth step, as simple as they look. They just go, OK, I did something wrong. I went back and say, hey, I'm sorry I did that. Doesn't look like what it really is, which is this is the transforming moment in the AA program. Now, what do we mean by a transforming moment? Well, we're talking about an awakening. We're talking suddenly spiritual energy arrives on the scene. It's kind of like when the drinks kick in. You know what I mean? The first one, nothing. Second one, then all of a sudden you go, there it is. I know that feeling. I feel the energy flowing through me. Alcohol is making its appointed rounds, calming down my fingertips, my toes, my knees, my eyes, my ears, my stomach, and finally my brain. And I go, yeah. Well, there's something starts flowing through us at this moment in our AA program. And it flows through in a very magical way so that when we describe it, we use magical words. Self-seeking will slip away. How about that for a magical word? You know what I mean? Watch this ball. Where is it? It slipped away. How could self-seeking slip away? Fear of people and an economic insecurity will leave us. What do you mean, leave us? I mean, what a strange thing. I got this fear of people. I'm just always uptight, and all of a sudden, I was busy one day, and it went . It just left us. It wasn't explained. It just said, see ya. I'm going to go bother somebody else. You see what I'm saying? When you see those promises that are read at the end of the ninth step, you know what's misleading? I mean, when you look at those, these are like saying you are now walking on the moon. You follow what I am saying? At this stage of your recovery, you will be on the Moon physically walking around. And you go, holy cow. If you go back and read those, well, let me get them out. I don't have those memorized, but I think they're on page 83 or somewhere. And I want to just look at them so that we just listen to the magic in the words, the verbs. You follow what I'm saying? You are not going to hear this as you're sitting in the psychologist's office. Oh yes, one more visit and low self-esteem will disappear while you're sitting in that chair having a glass of water. Bloop! You know what I mean? You don't use verbs like that. It starts out with, we'll be amazed before we're halfway through. Isn't that a good word? Let me tell you what's going to happen. It's like the great Carsoni. You will be amazed halfway through my act. I mean, just isn't that fun? What a great word. You will BE AMAZED before you're halfway through making amends. We're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. Sally, come here. I'd like to introduce you to a new freedom and the new hap- well, how do you do? Glad to know you. I now know a new freedom and a new happiness. Isn't that nice? Brand new, just wow, I got a new happiness and new freedom. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. I mean, just can you imagine that? Comprehend. It's going to sink in. Wow. This is what serenities all about. wow and peace personally I'm going to know peace how do I know it I feel it I am now actually experiencing peace it's no longer a theory you follow what I'm saying spiritual life is not a theory it's going to happen you will know peace no matter how far down the scale we have gone we'll see how our experience can benefit others that is huge the horrible past that we detested in ourselves the disgusting, rotten awful things that we did are now our most precious gift in helping the next alcoholic alcoholics will only listen to another alcoholic you say I did that, I went to jail, I beat this up, I did that and now I'm alright and that's the magic connector is there the person talking to you walked in your shoes and that is why you so that is your secret powerful healing weapon is your disgusting past and you suddenly change your mind about your disgusting past you go wow this is wonderful that I have this disgusting past this is a healing tool that I have wow i'm lucky to have that disgusting past now that i'm living in the spiritual realm this is my magic wand see that no matter how far down the scale we've gone we'll see how our experience can benefit others now here's a real magician are you ready for magic the feeling of useless and self-pity will disappear. I mean, disappear? Come on. Are you pulling my leg? We read these all the time. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Out the back, Jack. I'm trying to make this into like, holy cow, Do you really see what's going on here? Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Okay, what does that just say? Oh, here's a little tiny sentence. Your entire life will changed. Let me say that again. Everything about you, your entire life, everything will change! Hello? Is this freaking monumental or what? Fear of people, economic insecurity will leave us. Goodbye, rats leaving a sinking ship. I don't know what's going on. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. What we're being taught is we're moving from the intellectual mind level to the intuitive level where we simply wait for guidance. Oh, I got this terrible problem. I don'T know what I'm supposed to do. Go to the movies. When you come out, there'll be a note. This is how to handle it. God. That's relying on intuitive. You follow what I'm saying? Go to the movies. When you came out, they'll be in note. This is what to do. God. Oh, thank you, God. I'm glad. All right, let's keep going. We're almost there. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Now, how would you describe conscious contact with your higher power? How about suddenly realizing that God is doing all this. And you notice the word sudden. Almost all, I think all spiritual experiences occur suddenly. this minute you don't have it, and this second you do. Now, Bill talks about he had his hot flash, and then William James talked about the educational variety where it takes a long time, much more time. Bill said, God, if there is a God, help me. Boom! And he had, boom, this big contact. So we're describing here the one that takes a lot of time and a long timeto occur suddenly. it still occurs suddenly it just took a long time to suddenly occur it's not like it happens a little bit and then a little bit and I'm not sure if it happened maybe it didn't, maybe it did no, when it happened you go wow you were contacted inside um I've got it, I'll help you, really you mean like you're real yes, I am real, okay when you suddenly realize, holy cow, all this stuff, there's no other explanation for how I feel and for what I'm seeing other than my higher power. There's just no other way of explaining it and you believe it in your heart and there it is. Then, what does it say right after that? This is why it's so misleading and now people are starting to shout it back. Are these extravagant promises? And we yell back, we think not. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me that wasn't extravagant you're on the moon you're doing a cartwheel you now are on Mars now you're orbiting the sun and now you are back you think are those extravagants oh no I don't think so why do we say no all of that was done by our higher power so you want to know where the jackpot is Right there. We think not. They're being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. And then this is my favorite verb of all. They will always materialize right before your very eyes. Watch this, ladies and gentlemen. There's nothing here. Pew! A rabbit. Where did it come from? It just materialized. they will always materialize if we work for them. So let's take a break and we'll wrap it up in the next session, okay? Okay, everybody, we'll go ahead and get started and this is the last session. I'm not one applauding for that. No, actually, I enjoy this, but I do get worn out. I realized last night, I went up and I just went, God, darn. That's because some number of years seem to have passed by without me noticing how many. And I suddenly realized I have a 50-year-old son. And that's hard to do when you don't really think you're 50 yet. Okay, let's pick up with this transforming point in our AA journey. Sometimes I don't think we realize how important that moment is when we suddenly realize. So if we can look at it this way, that we've now been contacted. And what this transformation is saying is, we're going to stop using the methods that we had for living our survival techniques that we came up with as human beings in order to, quote, get through life, because that's what it looked like. When there's no higher power and you're living in this magic world you created, survival is a good way of describing it. Well, I hope I make it another day, you know, that kind of thing. And it's saying, OK, great. Congratulations on surviving. Good for you. Nothing you did was wrong. Nothing you did was untrue. Don't beat yourself up, that was wonderful you made it through all those adventures that you created for yourself. You took yourself in the woods and got lost and brought yourself back out and almost got eaten by a bear and oh God, you had all those wonderful things happen. Congratulations on surviving all of that. Now we're going to go somewhere else And we're going to live by different principles. Sounds like I'm making up some Alice in Wonderland, you know what I mean? OK, that's enough of that. Now we go through this little door and boom, we're gonna come into another world. Do you think the big book says anything like that? OK, now we're to leave that place you've been hanging out. And then we're go to go through these little door And then we're going to come out into, oh my God, look at all of that. Well, let me see if I could find a sentence. You maybe never saw it this way. This thought brings us to step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. Now, here's the sentence with the doorway in it. We have entered the world of the spirit. Used to live in this world. Now, we've entered the word of God. The world ofthe spirit. Now, when we enter that world, self-sufficiency is out. Okay? No more self-sufficiency. No more. I do it. Here it is. Now, continue to watch. This is the inventory for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. when these crop up we ask God at once to remove them okay so what do I do when I have fear what do i do when i have a resentment what do i do what what do i do you don't do anything you say hey god resentment here see you take it i'm busy going to the movies i'm going to the playground some resentment just showed up would you please take care of it i'll go on over there i'm gonna in other words, this is the entire game plan. Now what I want to ask you to imagine is if we all lived by this game plan, totally 100%, do you know what it would ruin? Discussion meetings. This whole page, 84 and 85, just filled with spiritual pictures. It's just wonderful. We've ceased fighting anybody or anything. Isn't that nice? What are you going to do all day? Doesn't that sound like it's going to be boring? What am I going to all day. How about play? You're in the world of the spirit now. The spirit runs everything. You're just supposed to be happy, joyous and free. What? For by this time sanity will have returned. We'll be seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted we recoil from it as from a hot flame. It's happened automatically. I didn't figure it out. I didn�t do a damn thing, just boop. It happened automatically this new attitude towards liquor has been given to us without any thought or effort on our part. We were usurping God's role. Chuck Chamberlain, remember him telling me, Sandy it's not your job to take care of yourself, that's God's job. You're just supposed to do His work. If you got the role in the play of sweeping the floor that's all you have to do. Sweep, sweep and you will be happy as can be. The world will be yours. You'll be up there just sweeping in your kingdom and you just look around go this is the greatest thing in the world is to be sweeping in this great place. I'm the luckiest guy and then the guy selling hot dogs, I'm a luckiest guy to be selling hotdogs in this wonderful place and the guy fixing cars. What a great place to fix cars! I am the luckiest guy. Now why is he fixing cars? Because that's his skill. That's what he's good at and somebody else is teaching dancing. I am so lucky to be teaching dancing in this great world. See what I mean? We don't have to do anything different. We have to crawl through the little doorway and enter the world of the spirit. We got our new attitude towards liquor. It's been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes. That's the miracle of it. Just comes, just arrives. We're not fighting it or are we avoiding temptation? Now here's a sentence you won't hear when you're visiting the psychologist, after three sessions I will place you in a position of neutrality where you will feel safe and protected. Really? How do you do that? Valium. Okay. That is the miracle of it. We feel as though we've been placed in a Position of neutrality, safe and protected. In other words, totally protected, we're safe, we're just supposed to fix the car engine that's in front of us . That's it. We're not supposed to go, what a crappy job! It just, that's it, whatever we're doing right now is what we're supposed to be doing and enjoying the hell out of it, whether it's sitting here attending this or visiting with your neighbor afterwards, or having lunch, or whatever. That's it. We have not even sworn off. Instead the problem has been removed. Now if that isn't magic and now it's been removed, it does not exist for us. Aren't these magic words? And you say, I mean, it just doesn't exist. I was obsessed with why I became an alcoholic in my first five years. I don't know if anybody else was just obsessed with wanting to know why did I become an alcoholic? Now, I don t even know how to think about that. I wonder why I even thought, why was I even thinking about that? What a stupid thing to think about. It's not even in my brain anywhere to think of why I became an alcoholic. What a waste of time. It's gone. We're neither cocky nor are we afraid. That's our experience. That's how we react as long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. And then it says, we have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition and then one of the musts that's in the big book. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. How can I best serve thee? In other words, oh, that person looks sad. I think I'll go sit next to them. Oh, I think, I'll do this. I'll go make the coffee. I'll do this. Where could I be useful? OK. In other words, we don't have to take care of anything now. We don't to be in charge of anything because this new world requires no attention from us. There's nothing that needs to be thought about, figured out. It only needs to enjoyed. And that's the world to live in. You follow what I'm saying? This is the world of the spirit. So I was totally, as a lobbyist in Washington, I'm totally into politics. And now I hate to even tell you because I know people are going to go, the next election I'm going to vote straight party line on the opposing side just to disengage myself from my convictions so that I'm free of all of that pain of not getting my way and . I'm tired of it. My job is to just go around, try and help the person next to me and the world is going to be the way it's supposed to be. I know some people are going to go, well, hell of a citizen. Oh, I'm sure there was a little group of us that are starting thinking there's a little a couple thousand years ago we probably would have tried to stop the crucifixion. Anyway... To some extent, we become God conscious and now we want to get more. Now before I go into the 11th step, I want to show this is the flowery language. It's the magical language. When we go to the 12 and 12, we get the practical approach to living in the now. And when you combine them, you take the practical and the magic and you just put them all together you have one hell of a package. And so over in the 12 and 12 when it's talking about in other words, the 10th step is how do you live in the now? How do you stay there? And oddly enough we inventory when we are disturbed angry, fearful, whatever and ask God what it wants to remove then. In other words there it is. There's the plan. And then it gets reinforced in the 12 and 12 when it says there's a spiritual axiom you remember that sentence there's the spiritual axion which says whenever we're disturbed no matter what the cause there's something wrong with us no matter what because no matter what happens no matter how outrageous it is if I'm disturbed there's some wrong with me well if it's a hundred percent their fault why is is there something wrong with me? What is wrong with me? You're disturbed. That's what's wrong with you. Yeah, I am disturbed. The deal is let's get undisturbed. Then it won't matter what happened. Well, technically. We're very suspicious of that. What is your problem with what he did? I'm all messed up over it. Well, what if you weren't messed up? What if you were absolutely just happy? Oh. You mean like I just let him off the hook because I'm not upset? Yeah. I don't operate that way. I know it shows. You're angry all the time. Yeah, well, yeah, but it's justifiable anger. I know, justifiable anger. We'll go back to the fourth step. Okay, so what are we getting out of all of this? We ask God at once to remove them. It's absolutely essential to stay or to return as quickly as possible to undisturbed. There it is. What is the now, undisturb? That's the goal. That'sthe total deal. If we can remain or quickly go back to being undisturbed, we're doing God's will. Because that's what he wants. That's happy, joyous, and free. I want you to be happy, joyful, and freer. Well, not right now. We'll get back to it. Like, I would, but that guy just did blah, blah, blah, fill in the blanks. Okay? Let's see how quickly we can get back to being un-disturbed. Four-part plan. Anybody remember that out of the 12 and 12? One, two, three, four. Self-restraint. We have four things that we want as we go through each day. Self- restraint, honest analysis of what's wrong, which means running it by somebody else. My 45-second phone call, let me run something by you. A willingness to forgive if the blame lies elsewhere and a willingness to make amends if it's our fault. we do that and we end up undisturbed. So number one, the event happens and I have a 10-second cushion that I prayed for in the morning. My friend Ed used to go out the front door allowing five people to be wrong ahead of time. You follow what I'm saying? I'm going to drive to work and five people can cut me off free. this is cutoff day with me and my car five of you mothers can be and it's free day free day on the highway you follow what I'm saying this is a self-restraint cushion so that we don't have to do something we have to make amends for later in other words they used to call it count to ten remember that okay then I've got the ten what happens then while you were counting our temperature goes up to here and then comes back down comes back down so that we don't you know and I'm the boss comes in Jim I read this memo that you did on project X this memo sucks do it over again and here's our temper our ego and screw you boss I quit and the quit is just going across the room to him hasn't reached his ears yet and we want it back I need this freakin job why did I say oh you want to quit well you're fired bye god if I just waited a couple seconds I never would have said those words and I wouldn't have the consequences of acting while I was at the peak of being disturbed. So self-restraint, self- restraint. We pray for it each morning. Just give me a cushion between me and the world. So now something happens, frightens me, it upsets me, whatever it is, up, down. I haven't done anything. Now I, what is going on here? I'm disturbed. Anytime I'm distressed, let's find out what it is. Okay, I think it's this, I think It's that, I think I'll make my 45 second call to my friend, Joe, can I run something by you? This guy came in, He said that. Now, I'm all frightened. What the heck do you think that is? Well, I think that he was totally off the wall, never should have said anything like that. His wife has probably given him a hard time. Just forgive him. It's almost like we need permission from someone else. It's okay to forgive for that? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You see what I'm saying? And now I'm back and, hey. Well, no, it's not him. It's you. You're reacting incorrectly. you overreacted go back in there and say i'm so sorry for the way i responded to that i'd like to start over and tell you that i will work on that and i will cooperate and then first time we do it they all faint freaking joe actually apologized i can't believe it and we've improved our relations wherever it is, and we're back to being undisturbed. That's a huge, huge thing. So you can see that all of this is designed so that we can stay in the now, which is the secret of life. I mean, I don't care what spiritual religion or anything you talk about, that's where we're supposed to be. And that's were we exist until we make up a story that we don't exist there. And we go off into the future and see what trouble we could stir up and make sure we don' sleep well this week. But I'm thinking about next month. Oh yeah, no, it shows. So there is the package of freedom that were given in the 10th step, both the big book and the 12 and 12. It's just wonderful what is available there. So this context established and that's why the 11th step says to improve our contact. You see what I'm saying? So it implies that it already was established and my contention would be that when you suddenly realize God is doing for you what you couldn't do for yourself, that's it. When does the spiritual awakening happen? I would suggest that that's sort of a description of what it looks like right as we come into the 10, 11, 12 maintenance steps, whatever you want to call it. We're going to maintain this condition that we were given. That's what it's talking about. Maintain the awakening or as the 11th step said, hey if one drink is good how about ten? If we've opened the channel this far and gotten a glimpse of this world of the spirit, how wide could we open it? How big an awakening could we have? Could we improve on what we got in those promises? That's what the 11th step. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him. And then comes an interesting part. Praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out. Isn't that simple? I mean, it is so wonderful. Don't pray for anything except knowledge of his will for us and the power to care for us. Carry it out what a package deal. Not only do you get your assignment, but you get the power to do it. You see what I'm saying? What should I do today? Well, I want you to do this, this. Holy cow, that's a lot. No, I'm going to help you. Here's all the power to do it. Oh, well then I'm just like a freaking messenger. Yeah, that's it. Everything you do will be very easy because it'll be exactly what you're supposed to do and you'll have the power to carry it out. Isn't that amazing? The reason Bell suggested that where we pray only for this one thing is that if we pray for something else as noble as it may be well I pray that my cousin recovers and he doesn't it can be very confusing well I thought prayer worked I thought if I asked God that he would cure my sister and I know there's all kinds of schools of thought about the power of prayer and I'm not going to dispute him. I'm just going to say for drunks, it can be very confusing when you pray for something and it doesn't happen. You suddenly, the ego's waiting in the back. See, I told you he's a liar. I told all that shit. You don't believe this crap anymore, do you? Your sister just died. Ha ha, that proves her out. And we take something that we really don't know anything about, you know, how the whole universe works and we turn it against ourselves as proof that prayer is no good and I think Bill saw the wisdom and for us drunks let's just pray for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out and that enables us to contribute as much as we can to God's world and that's how we make our major contribution is by simply doing the next right thing as people have said and we use prayer and meditation and so this is where Bill says something in both the 12 and 12 in the big book now we're talking about an individual adventure up until now it was a we program now he says prayer and medication that has to be done by you you know what I mean You can't have your sponsor pray for you or meditate for you. We're now, we have to do this as individuals. It is an individual adventure and he immediately says, our libraries are filled with books. Go talk to rabbis, priests, spiritual advisors, teachers, whatever. You're on the expansion of the 11th step. You're not leaving the AA program. You are finding something that works for you. People get into yoga and report the most marvelous combination of yoga and the 11th step. They're not doing it separate, they are using it as their technique to expand your individual adventure. Somebody else goes over there and stands like this, Forget it. And they may end up swimming to spiritual music. You follow what I'm saying? There's going to be something that opens the channel further, guided meditation, this type of thing, reading this stuff, the Buddhist thoughts on this, certain spiritual writers. They're there, and there's some that'll speak. You know, I could have 10 ideas up here, and one would affect this person and this. In other words, it's not universal. It is up to us. Well, what does appeal to me? So what is that? That seeking. Any time I'm in there, I'm at a book thing, and I'm going, no, no. You ever do that, and then all of a sudden It's like it has your name on it. Hi, Mary. Wow, well that's what I'm supposed to be right now. I'm getting excited, I'm get some ideas, I'm gettin a vision and then that can lead me further along. So we're moving, we're movin', we're movein'. And I'm gonna stop with the prayer of Saint Francis. What a blessing that we have at 12 and 12 to have that prayer. I mean, even just that prayer is worth having the book, The Twelve and Twelve. To me, it's the most wonderful prayer. And Bill quotes it, and if you've ever read about St. Francis, he was close to being one of us, rabble-rabble out there in those crusades, whacking people. I mean he was just a man after my own heart. and then he saw the futility of all of this organized everything you know and any basically said I am going to personally seek a way of escaping from my ego that's if you want to phrase what he did I am going to find a way escaping from this trap of this ego I'm I'm going to kill my ego. I'm gonna crush it. I'm doing whatever you want to describe. Reminds me of the newcomers sitting in the meeting and the topic is killing the ego. How can we do it? And somebody comes in late and sits next to the newcomer and says, what's the topic? He said, suicide. Because when you're new, there is just ego. And if we're going to kill that, we're dead. But as we separate and we see there's this ego play going on, but then there's an awareness and there's a whole different level of existence than we really are, a spiritual being having a human experience, then we can start... If you're new, one way to think about this is, you know the sentence, It's I am tired, I am lonely, I mean how many endings to that sentence are there? I'm all broken up. I'm this, I'm that, I've that. I mean there must be a million sentences that begin with I am poop and then you fill in something. Right? I mean, how often do we think, well I'm really sick of it, well, I'll do this, do that. Write the sentence, I am, and think about it. What does it mean to be I am not modified? There's no word that comes after M. And you go, I don't know about you, but I went, what the hell is that? That couldn't be a complete sentence, and you are meditating. is it that is? What is I am? And you're now thinking about these things. Anyway, St. Francis did this and deprived himself and just helped people and prayed. And as he did it, guess what happened. People, animals, birds wanted to be near him. What did they want to be near? They wanted to near his energy. He was what we call AA, a program of attraction. They were attracted to something. They wanted to bask in the spiritual sunlight of being near him. He had opened the channel that had been closed by his self-will and his selfishness, and The opening of the channel is how he opens his prayer. Make me a channel of thy peace. Now the prayer was written to explain to those of us that are following him what happened. This is his best shot at what the process that he went through all those years was, And this is what it produced. And it gives us an insight into what we are trying to do here. And it's very similar to the picture of a block of marble, and the sculptor is now going to produce that beautiful statue of the woman dancer with the veil or the long robe in back. And it's just the most beautiful thing in the world. And you ask the master sculptors, how in the word do you do that? And they say this work of art is already in the block. I just chip away everything that isn't this incredibly beautiful stat. It's already in there. So if we are allowing, through the process of the 12 steps, our higher power to painfully remove all these defects, chip, chip, the sculptor with our willingness and humility to go through the pain of, go ahead, keep chipping, keep chippin', keep chippy. What is he doing? What is being done to us? Our magnificent reality is being revealed so that it can come out. We already are perfect children of God. There's nothing we have to become. We already Are. We just have to get everything out of the way that's blocking it. So when we realize this, we see in the first line of the prayer, make me a channel of thy peace. My first impression of that was, oh, finally, it opens up and then God's peace flows in and I feel like a million dollars. And that's not what the prayer says at all. It says, we open the channel and your peace flows out. The whole prayer is about us bringing comfort, us bringing peace. It's all inside. It's been waiting to get out. Peace, all the peace enough for the whole world inside of me trying to get out. And so my frustration all these years has been I can't be myself. In other words, the spirit inside of me has been wanting to behave the way a spirit knows how to behave and I'm trapped in my own story. So look at the prayer that way. It's saying make me a channel of thy peace. So now here comes a peace out of me. We've opened it up And it goes on and on. That's where there's hatred, I may bring love. Well, where do I get the love to bring? You are love. You can't run out. If you want to try an experiment, take 10 minutes up in your room and love everybody in this room. Just imagine all these people. I love that person. I love the guy near the door. I love, that guy. I love , that guy, I love . That guy. I love. That guy, love that guy I love that guy matter of fact, I love everybody in Columbus. Okay. Everybody in Columbus, love, love, love. Okay. Not just Columbus, Ohio. I love everyone in Ohio. All the people down on this part, all the people over there and see if you can run out of love, see if he suddenly go, well, that's it, there's none left. Then you could move on to the whole United States. You could go all over the whole world, and you can't run out. You try it. Well, that's it. I just ran out. There's no room left. Sorry about that guy. I've got to leave him out. There isn't any left. You will not be able to run out You might get tired, but you won't run out. So with this hatred, I may bring love. With this discord, I May bring harmony. Where am I going to get harmony? You are harmony. You already are that. That's your nature. You already are harmony. Where there's error, I may bring truth. You already are truth. You don't have to go seek it. You don' have to do anything. You just have to allow it. That's your natural state. Error, our ego made up. In other words, that's the illusion is finally going to be shattered. Where there is error, I may bring truth where there is wrong, I may bring a spirit of forgiveness. I am forgiveness I just this other part of me said that's wrong you follow what I'm saying so oh we're going to move through that where there's despair I may bring hope I am hope where there is doubt I may ring faith where there are shadows I may bringing light how am I going to bring light you are the light that's who you are do you see what I'm saying the thing is going when you keep opening this up this is what's going to be revealed what does Bill say more will be revealed that's not you will learn more you will study more no it'll be revealed and you'll suddenly go holy cow I am the light I'm bringing light into this guy I'm 12 stepping He's responding to the light, not my words. He's connecting to something that he's attracted to. You see what I'm saying? Holy cow! I'm just an instrument. I'm being used by the Spirit. Holy cow, this is really true. In other words, we're seeing it differently. It is being revealed in an entirely different way. And where was I? We're shadows that may bring light. Where there's sadness, I may bring joy. Do you see how everything is? I was trying to get. I don't need anything. The problem was it's supposed to go the other way. The energy's supposed go the way. So it is by self-forgetting one finds. It is by forgiving when it's forgiven. It's by dying when awakened. Oh, I left out. It's better to comfort them, be comforted, to understand than to be understood, to love than to beloved. So it's by self-forgetting one finds. It is by forgiving when it's forgiven. It's by dying that one awakens to life eternal. So what is dying? The ego. The old world is suddenly... See, we've entered the world of the spirit. So this is what the 11th step is trying to do is let's keep going and see what else can be revealed. Keep looking, keep looking, and keep looking. And I'll close with this. Many years ago, I was at my son's house in Baltimore and holograms were new. You bought one and they had it on the wall in the hall. And my grandkids could see it. They just said, and I couldn't. really freaked me out that everyone else my son his wife some other guests had seen it and the grand three grandkids had seen i hadn't and so i'm standing there and i'm they said look through it look oh i am i am and um finally i got tired of them i said i saw it yes you're right it's very amazing it's amazing so then i'm eating but i hadn't seen it so i'll be right back i gotta go to the bathroom and i'm back there and i stand in front of that thing i never saw it you know what i'm saying that was time to go and i i'll be right out one last time i'm standing in front of that so so what do we say to a guy who can't see the freaking hologram what are we going to get him a book how to see a hologram oh yeah okay okay did that do it no how do you see a hologram you goddamn stand there until you see it that's how you do it you stand there and keep looking until it happens that's what spirituality is more will be revealed but it ain't going to be revealed unless you are seeking you see what I'm saying you just go I know I haven't seen it yet but I'm not going to give up my freaking grandkids saw it then I'm going to see it and then one day what happens whoa I can't believe I told this story out in Las Vegas. Somebody gave me a calendar for this year, all holograms. And I've already cheated and looked ahead, and I'm going, holy cow! When those things jump out, I'll tell you, I don't know about you, you've been doing it for years, but this is like new to me. And I'm just going, look at that damn thing. I cannot believe what's there. And then I go like that, and it's gone. You know what I'm talking about? We want to stay being able to see the hologram. That kind of describes what we're trying to do. Because when we're there, there are no problems. They're just not. But they fade, so we've got to keep trying. And we need each other to remind us that it's fading and we keep each other on track and have that kind of a vision. I hope we all have it all year, and thank you for your attention. It's been an honor to be with you all. Let's give him another round of applause. I mean, my gosh, what a way to start a weekend off, you know? i would not want to be a speaker that has to follow him up liz wherever she is i wouldn't want to have to follow that guy up um but you know sandy was our our kickoff and and what a great way and um hang around you've got a you've Got a list of great speakers uh at three o'clock is our next talk here and i'm the taper you've gotta voice you got a chairperson there's our voice. Well, Liz is our happy girl and she's the one that's always laughing for us and she's speaking at 3 o'clock. Make sure to be back here. She's got an excellent message. Sandy, and I do want to add one thing. Sandy mentioned it's better to be comforting than be comforted. I sat down to start taping. I got a text message from a very good friend back home. Her husband died today. Would you say a prayer for Barbie? She's been in the program for over 20 years. She got sober very young and she's fought cancer with her husband for two years. I told her to keep me posted. She took a time out of her day today, an hour after husband just to text mess me. So please say a prayer for her. Let's have a great weekend. Voice, do you want us to add anything? Alright, let's go ahead and close this part up because they do have two kind of separate conferences but the Lord's Prayer is standing. Would you do that with us? Our Father. you Let's give this guy one more round of applause. Fantastic.