The First Step and Obsession – And Joe H. – Prescott Big Book Study – Part 8 of 8 – Mark H.

And with that, I'll give you Mark H. of Dallas. Thank you very much. Right on the puma. How's that? Does that work? Good evening, everybody. I'm Mark Houston. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Mark. And my home group is the Clean Air Group in Dallas, Texas. And I have been sober since October the 19th of 1982. and just celebrated 20 years for which I am incredibly grateful. And in hindsight, it had very little to do with that. Very little to deal with it. Absolutely nothing to do with what happened to me the morning of October 19th in 1982. And sometimes in hindsight very little to do with not taking a drink for a little bit over 20 years. A little bit about what it was like every time I go another year without drinking, I have a tendency to look back and reflect on me and the relationship that I had with alcohol. Call it your first step, if you will. My actions clearly indicated at least the last 10 years I drank. I drank for 20 years. That alcohol was first and foremost in my life, was absolutely the single most important thing in my life. That alcohol came ahead of everybody and it came ahead of everything. I think Bill Wilson uses some words that I didn't like but I had to look at the truth of that and and that is that it was my master, and I served it. I don't know how you all drank, but, boy, there comes a day that if you don't get sick into that, I don' t know how y ou' ll ever get sober. I am not in denial about that relationship with alcohol. I'm not in denyl about what the big book says, that I was a tornado roaring through the lives of other people. and there were a lot of reasons for that relationship with alcohol. I didn't take a drink until I was 16 years old, and I really needed to have taken a drink before then. My dad died of alcoholism in 86. My mother died of untreated Al-Anonism. I don't know if there's any Al-Ans in here, but you can die of untrated Al- Anonism I watched my mother do that. And so, you know, I was raised that way. There's four boys in the Houston family. Well, I tell you, they're all pretty crazy. My oldest brother is an alcoholic and a drug addict. The brother below me is a bad alcoholic. My youngest brother hasn't drank in probably six years, probably smokes 10-12 joints a day. That's a vast improvement over when he drank. So there was a lot of alcoholism in our family. I don't believe it's a coincidence the four Houston boys turned into drunks. Um, when I say there was a reason why I should have drank sooner, uh, I don't know why life so terrified me, but it did. And, uh. I think I think some of the reasons I didn't drink prior to age 16 was that I watched my dad and said I didn'T want to be like him. And But from the very first time I took a drink, the effect produced by alcohol I experienced, and I experienced that right up to my last drink, although the last five or six years. I would use the term that alcohol stopped working. The reason I say that is because that incredible effect that it produced, you know, the magic that nothing else ever did for me where I could be comfortable in my own skin and I could be fearless and I could operate in the world that stopped happening my last 5, 6, 7 years of drinking now that was one of the worst days of my life the first time that ever happened to me but I am grateful to God for alcohol I really am and again I'm not I don't know all the reasons why I was so terrified of life and why I was so uncomfortable with myself but I just know that I was and I know when I took that drink when I was 16 that that went away and if that's the only thing in your life that's ever made that go away you're going to go back to it again and I was not a situational drinker from the first time I picked up a drink until my last drink I was a daily drinker the only time that I did not drink was when I wasn't drinking when I physically separated from alcohol in some fashion for example when I got drafted into the military Much to my surprise, I couldn't pick up a drink for about three weeks. And to this day, I remember the taste of that Budweiser after going three weeks without a drink. And, you know, you get through high school and you get to going to college. And it took me six years to get through college, and that's because of my alcoholism. I got drafted and sent to Vietnam because of Myoclolism. The reason is, back then, those of you of my age or when that's going on, I was studying to be a teacher, and teachers got deferments. But because I liked the party more and I liked going to class, I kept dragging it out. And finally they said, you know, you've had about six years. I think this is about long enough. You don't seem to be anxious to graduate, and we're not going to give you the deferment. Instead, we're going to draft you. So they sent me to Vietnam for 13 1⁄2 months. I came back from Vietnam, finished up, got married. And I understand that line about Bill Wilson roaring off. We roared off to California in 1972 with a Volkswagen, $150, and this young bride beside me. And here's what she had. She had a terrified Iowa farm boy in the city of San Francisco who, for whatever reason, suffered from massively low self-esteem and was terrified of his life. and got a job at one of the major insurance companies, and my job was to adjust claims in the city of San Francisco. Lived in Oakland, California. We had a beautiful apartment right on the beach for $125 a month. Man, I had arrived. They gave me a checkbook. I could write checks up to $15,000. And I think I was being paid $700 a month in a company car. I'll tell you, in 1972, that's a pretty good whip. And drinking took on exciting and exhilarating parts of my life. We'd go up to Napa Valley and do wine tasting and develop the taste for wine. One time I had a real nice wine collection, as a matter of fact, but as my drinking progressed, that nice Cabernet Sauvignon changed to Boone's Farm, stuff like that. So we were there about a year, And then, like Bill Wilson says, I fancied myself a leader. They weren't taking care of me like I felt they should have. So we quit and we did another job, and we went up to Eugene, Oregon. When I think about that, starting around 1974, the book talks about demoralization, and I begin to look at my behavior. And I think this is an important part ultimately of what brings about a surrender. But I was raised with some good values. I was raised in a Norwegian farming community. I knew the difference between right and wrong. I knew in that marriage to that woman that I needed to have been true to that marriage, and yet I would drink and I would commit adultery. I like to call it what it is. There's a cute thing floating around when you're married now. It's called an affair. I like just to call what it it. I was committing adultery, and what I did in the midst of doing that was then I violated my conscience and I had to drink to cover that up, and I didn't want to do any of this. This is about alcoholism. I'm living a life unbeknownst to me at that time, and I have no choice about any of this, any of my behaviors, anything. And moved up to Portland, Oregon in 1975. Came home one day and ended that marriage. And the reason I ended that wedding and ended my marriage really is, in hindsight, is I could no longer live with myself and how I was treating that woman because she was a good woman. A strange story about that. I made minutes to her many years ago And probably about six months ago, I got a phone call from her. And here she is in her early 50s. And she called me because she said, I think I'm an alcoholic. And she is an alcoholic, and she lives down in Atlanta, Georgia now. She's got four years sobriety. Just amazing stuff happens in this program. So I left her and moved up to Seattle, Washington. And I'm a good salesman, so my drinking had not ruined my career along those lines. But it was getting close. I lived in Seattle two years, and then from Seattle I went up to Alaska. Boy, if you're an alcoholic, Alaska is the place to be. I'm here to tell you. Bars closed only for two hours at that time, 3 a.m. to 5 a.n. The only time that was a problem is in the summer. It's daylight 24 hours a day, so when you come out, when they kick you out of the bar at 3 a., it's still daylight. You want to do drinking. But the bar up there called Chillicothe Charlie is an amazing place. You check your gun at the front door. I mean, just Alaska was amazing. That was the beginning of the end for me. And the reason is because of a phenomenon called craving, I was drinking combined with other mind-altering chemicals, which shall remain nameless in vast quantities. And I couldn't show up for work, but I couldn'T close any deals. And I was calling on banks. You know, you start showing up reeking of alcohol. That starts to give back to your boss. And one day, a man who loved me dearly had to come up and fire me. And so from there, I wound up migrating back to Colorado. And here I am at that time. I guess I'm 30, 34 years old living at my parents' home. No connection at all to the fact that alcohol might be the cause of some of this and drawing unemployment and just the beginning of the end, you know, not being able to look at myself in the mirror and say, what's happened? When I'm a junior in high school, this wasn't in the game plan. What has happened to me? And that self-loathing that starts to take, and then you've got to drink to treat all that, and then You're just in this cycle 24-7. And we lived in that cycle for two years. And met a gal at a bar on a Friday night. I think about a month later, we got married. That was in May of 1982. In the beginning and the end of that thing for me, had gone to she had a job of course at that time you see i couldn't work so i had to have someone to support me so marrying a woman that was a fair trade-off i'll marry you you take care of me and it was pretty obvious to her that she thought i had a problem with alcohol and sent me to see this eap and uh this eAP hurt my feelings she was in recovery that's why she just about 15 minutes into that she said you're an alcoholic She said, you're one of the six that I've seen. There's the names of three treatment centers. Get out of here. I can't help you. And so I had a few drinks behind that one. And that's really what it was like. You know, along the way, broke hearts, robbed people of emotional security, everyone who ever cared about me. I didn't see that until I'd been sober quite a while. You know, you're going to make amends to people. And I've talked about this before in this group, but a first wife is the one that set me straight about robbing people of emotional security. Parents, friends, wives, children, where every night they don't know if you're gonna come home or not come home and are they gonna get a phone call or not get a call? They're gonna get another phone call. And you know, I wouldn't have seen that. I wouldn'T have seen THAT kind of harm. Horrible. Just horrible. One of the ways I've had to make a lot of amends since I got sober is I let people know where I live and my phone number, and I call them. A lot of my amends to my male friends when I got sober was, Mark, will you please let me just know you're doing okay? So I got several friends over the years. I got longtime friends, 1959. I got 40-year history with people. they love me in spite of myself but they said I worry about you of course over the years they've learned to keep my address now in pencil instead of ink I move around a lot I guess I still do that sometimes so at any rate fast forward to what happened what happened was I got 12th step by a Bible totem evangelist and then my wife invited over and I still have that Bible I stole it from that guy They decided that I needed a God in my life. And in hindsight, he did. He 12-stepped me. And they took me to a church that night. They were having a big revival and I had an out-of-body experience. One of those, those of you who are drank like I did, you've had this happen where your body's doing things and you're not involved with what it's doing? Is that kind of a deal? And they did an altar call. my body responded to the altar call and i'm i still remember this day i'm screaming this dialogue stop stop what are you doing someone will see it they're doing an altar call right they got this big evangelist there my body's up and i've walking you know i'm saying stuff like someone will say me i didn't know anybody did what are doing and anyhow i i don't know what they did that night uh i think i got slapped around a little huh they get enthused about that stuff and uh but i believe this is a part of it that happened september 28 1982 and i think finally just to get them away from me i think what they like you to do is to think turn your life over to jesus or something i can't remember but i pretty well got clear that they were not going to release me until i did whatever it is they needed done so i think i told him to do it and i did that and i believe there's a strong connection between that act that night and then getting sober on october 19th through a series of events i checked myself into a detox and treatment center october 19 1982. and first two three years of sobriety were they were tough for me because i was so damaged i had brain damage and i had some liver damage and kidney damage the most basic fundamental life skills I had totally forgotten. And again, this is just how I drank. I never forget, I didn't have a car the first couple of years. I remember going to open a checking account and they informed me that I couldn't do that because I had a lot of outstanding checks and I had no recall of a single one of them. When I went to Alaska to make amends, I was off a year when I thought I lived there. I felt like I was in a Cheech and Chong movie my first two or three years sober I'd go shopping at the grocery store and I'd be going pushing the cart and I would look at something and I go wow look at that you know my pal says Mark they've had that in the store for 15 years I'd been busy and like I'd got I'd get I'd go to a movie you know I hadn't gone to a movies in years because they don't serve booze and stuff in there and like I'd ride the bus and I'll be going along going to hear a bird singing. And I go, wow, man. It was amazing. I wish I'd stayed in that state longer. I didn't. Somewhere around two, three years, I came out of that state and man, I was dry. And whoa, it was not a pleasant picture. Because see, I don't know how to do life without alcohol, and I'm about two, two-and-a-half years. I mean, I literally, this is exactly how I experienced this. It literally felt like I came zooming out of some kind of a blackout at around two-an-a half years sober, and I am looking around and married to this woman who, quite frankly, I didn't even like, I realized. And I am working. God does take care of us. When I was about five days out of that treatment center, I went to a meeting. This guy came up afterwards and said, well, what are you doing? And I said, whoa, what do you mean? He said, what, do you have a job? He goes, no. And he said, Well, I'm looking for some salesmen. He said—I said, So and what? He said cameras, video, and I said I don't know anything about that. And he says, You're a salesman. I can teach you that. And I say, Well okay, I don' have any way to get to work. He said I'll pick you up. So at the end of those first two years he wound up hiring four more drunks And within six months, we broke every record that company had for sales. And I remember the president one time, he said to him, what do you do with those guys? And he said, oh, they're just happy to be breathing, you know. He would drive the van and pick us up so we'd have a meeting going into work. And then we were captured all day long there. Then he'd drop us home at night and then pick usup again, take us to a meeting, drop us off again. That's all I did for two years, you Know. And it was amazing. But when I kind of came out of that thing, married to this woman and then along the way I'd been promoted to manager. I mean, I mean this. When I came to around this, keep in mind, I'm somewhere between two and a half, three years sober. It felt like I was in a blackout those first two and a half or three years. So I guess what I want to tell you, if you're fairly new and think you're well, you're not. You know? You're really not. And so when I came out of that blackout, sober blackout. I don't know how else to say it. Here I am. I'm managing this store that does about $3 million a year with 25 employees. And I'm going, my God, how did I get here? I'm married to this woman. I need it. I just didn't like her. And, oh, it was incredible. And we bought a house. I got this $1,200 a month house payment, right? You know, and I got honeydew projects. And I don't have any tools to do any of this at that time. And, of course, I hadn't done anything with the steps. I wasn't capable of doing anything with The Steps. Go to meetings, and I'm sure you all said some great things. Never heard any of it. Yeah, you know, if you'd have told me John was doing there, I'd have tell you John's doing real well. Just incredible when I look back. So finally, I think somewhere around three, three and a half years, some of you know my pal Joe, and he started working with Don P. And I thought I was sick, but I kind of made a judgment. I thought Joe was sicker. He was getting better. So I thought, well, okay. So I went through the steps with Don, and that was pretty amazing. And then I had about three and half, four years of some pretty amazing stuff going on in my life, and going through the steps and making amends. And that marriage, I ended that marriage. Continued to work there doing whatever. And I don't know, in hindsight, depression. Somewhere between my seventh and my tenth year, depression started to settle in on me. Either depression settled into me or I'd just been depressed most of my life and I started to wake up to it. And it slowly began to take me over. And it wasn't fun. And it almost took me out of here. And there was a thing that had happened to me at that time, and that was that, keep in mind this is in the 80s, and there was an old belief system perpetuated at that time fairly strong of the steps will do everything, nothing but the steps, right? Well, I probably needed to have been taking something along with the steps but uh didn't because of that belief system of course i didn't go see a psychiatrist this depression's getting worse and worse and so i switched jobs lose the house i went to a bankruptcy uh and then i'm getting in that place of hopelessness getting sober and coming up on nine nine and a half years and uh it was it was as dark as i've ever been and i couldn't drink didn't drink couldn't drink call it what you will god don't want you drinking you're not drinking i don't care what the circumstances are and uh but hopelessness and i i was reduced to sitting in an apartment and uh actually crying all the time uh it was not a fun deal now a lot of that quite frankly is uh some of it is associated with a lot of my life experiences and I needed to have been doing something for it, which, by the way, the big book told me to do, but I ignored that, right? Because I'm concerned about, after all, what you think. And that would be real weak of me to know that. It's funny about that. Today I take the big books in its entirety, but I completely ignored that. It almost killed me, bytheway, where it says seek out other good doctors. To make a long story short, a series of interventions, I wound up in a psychiatric hospital more affectionately known as a nut house in Houston, Texas. And I needed to be there. I couldn't work. I couldn't function in society. And it wasn't that I was insane, but I was at a place of hopelessness beyond anything I could have told you. And sometimes when I look back, I had a surrender in the hospital that to this day stands me in good stead. And And I'll tell you what the surrender looked like. The surrender looked Like this. You know, God, you know, I drank for 20 years. I'm 36 when I come to AA. I'm probably 44 then. I got 10 years sober. And I don't know, god, if it just seems like When I'm trying to get involved with any part of my life And what it looks like and who's here It don't go well. So here's the deal, buddy. From now on, I don' t care. I don''t care. I don'T care where I live. I don ''t care what I do. I don.''t care if I'm single. I don?'t care If I'm married. i do not care because somehow in my caring something happens and i don't do well and uh from that day to this that is the position in which i go through life you know you build with me you do with me as you want and uh so you know in the future if y'all ask me why did i move here whatever just assume my answer is going to be is because that's where god wanted me because i don t care because when i care i get in trouble because when they get in care i want to try and manage my life and who's in it and what they look like and how they act you know it's not a pretty thing and uh i got out of that place and uh i reworked the first nine steps four times uh in the first two years really really started work with the disciplines of the 10th and 11th step began a daily meditation way so So my life since then has just took off like a rocket. In 94, I started to get asked to do a little speaking here and there, which, by the way, I wanted nothing to do with. You see, it's paradoxical, you know, and I mean this. I wanted Nothing to Do With It. And some days I'm still that way. I'd rather just sit in the back of the room, you Know? But one day a fairly wise man said to me, you know what? You made a third-step decision, and you have a gift, and you need to share that gift. So you better get over it. Okay. All right. Okay, I'll do this thing. And I'll tell you, I really started work with alcoholics. I started getting asked to start workshops and taking people through the steps. And, of course, what happened to me, and it might have happened to some of you, but this is just for me. i try to get clear with people is is today i know the things that i mark houston has to do to be at peace in my skin with myself with god and with you i know what i have to do and uh doesn't mean anyone else in a has to doing that so when i share with you what i do it's because i have to do it, and I like the effect produce. I've had to write inventory many times on why can't I be a middle-of-the-road guy? I really wished I could have been. I try it, and I get sick. I wish all I could do is go to meetings and not drink. I mean it. Not the way it works. I don't do well. So for me, what what really had to happen i just had to stay very active in the steps and i had to really work with a lot of people then i literally began a 10-year journey pretty intense journey unbeknownst to me of uh working with people hundreds of people workshops um going into groups in which i can assure you that the my experience with the message out of the big book of alcoholics anonymous business popular you know and in I suspect we all go through that too somewhere in here you know you have to decide them I'm going to share my experience in my experience with the message out of the book am I going to be concerned about what someone thinks about it and I reached a place where I no longer care what anybody thought about I go anywhere I'm a free man this is what I have to do I speak out of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous because That was the solution for my alcoholism. If there's any disclaimer I ever give people, it's this. If I ever say anything you can't reconcile in a big book, ignore it. The other thing I tell people, don't ever let anyone read your big book for you. Why? I work in the field of chemical dependence. I've been working in 12 years. I probably personally have got a chance to meet and somehow experience well over 15,000 to 20,000 alcoholics and drug addicts. This is a deadly, deadly illness. I get to experience a picture far beyond the single rooms of AA. And I'm telling you, they're still dying in droves. So you ain't about to see a guy like me walk into a meeting of AA and say he'll keep giving back, he'll get better, because it won't. That's my experience. I've buried a lot of people. This is an deadly thing you've got. And if you're a real alcoholic, you need some power in your life. The steps are the method in which we experience that power. I don't soft-sell this program. You know, externally, my life today is the best it's ever been. I could sit and tell you some neat stuff about that, but I want to tell you also a year from now it could be a lot different. So I don' t spend a whole bunch of time with that. You know? I mean, really, I'm earning more money than I've ever made in my life. I'm the CEO of a company doing what I love to do, and that's all real neat. but three years ago I was unemployed so that all changes so I don't pay much attention to that I mean, I really don't because if it might be an attention that gets me in trouble I live in a world of impermanence and I want to attach to this this nice job or a woman I've discovered that's not wise I attach to the moment anymore I'm mostly concerned with being present wherever I am It doesn't make much difference to me where I'm at, who I'm with, and what I'm doing. What makes a difference can I be present to it, you know. Today, I had an amazing spiritual experience today. I spent four hours in the Russian bath. I had a spiritual experience. I tell you what, I walked out there, and it felt like I'd had 19 shots of Thor's, you now, so relaxed. See, this is what recovery has done. I mean, I'll be talking about that bath for months to come. That was an amazing experience, see? Thank God I'm awake to that. I'm awakened to that, see. I get to come back here and spend some time with people I've grown to love and care about. What a wonderful life I got. You know, and it comes from those steps. For me, those disciplines of 10 and 11 are crucial. And I know sometimes I look back and I think the program really is about 10 and11. One through nine, I think sometimes there's way too much attention given the action I take really in 4 through 9 1 through 3 are considerations are they not I mean think about it mental considerations you know am I a real alcoholic do I believe to drink is to die do I have a phenomenal craving obsession of the mind spiritual memory yes no it's not rocket scientist stuff yeah well do I need power to do something about that yeah am I willing to make that power everything in my life You know, I tell people, it's your call. If you don't want to, I don't care. I'm here to dance my dance, sing my, you know. I'm doing just fine. Yeah, the power is, yeah, okay, I'll do that. Sure, why not? You know. Are you convinced your life around your will doesn't work? Well, sure. Well, let's look at your life, how nifty it is. No one will talk to you and stuff like that, right? Yeah, well, I guess I'm convinced of that, you knew. Well, then, okay. You've got to make a decision. and turn your will life over to this power. Here's the reason why you might want to consider doing that. Okay, then how do you do that? Well, now we've got to write. What? Yeah, we've Got to Write. Three inventories. Well, I don't know if I want to do that. Well, let's see. Die an alcoholic death, write inventories Well, well, now that you mention that, in that context, so you write a resentment inventory, four columns of fear inventory and a sex inventory. You get after it. Why? because you need power. Face and be rid of that which says you're blocked. Dying, alcohol, death, writing inventory. Yeah, yeah, sure, that sounds like a fair trade-off. Then you sit down and read it to somebody. And hopefully they have enough courage to tell you the truth about what they see because it's no longer their fault out there, you know what I mean? Because all your troubles are your own making. And you get done with that inventory and you look at a whole bunch of defects you saw as a result of trying to live your life based on your will, going through life like an ingrown hare and taking everything personal it's all about you even of our age we're looking at how many presents are there for me under the tree offer that up to God in the seventh step make a list of people you harm go sit across from people write letters make phone calls clean it up no big deal you made some mistakes and so you can't defeat the ego the ego takes the best of you I don't care how long you're sober That's why the book says, I made mistakes. If there's anybody in this room that ever woke up one day and said, you know, I've got nothing else to do. I think I'm going to go harm someone today. They just don't work that day. You know, we're programmed in a certain fashion. Today, I had a rare thing happen to me. I had an A.A. call me the other day to make amends to me because, you know ,we don't do that within the fellowship. and uh i said to him i very much appreciate you doing that but i said you don't have any power to hurt me and he said what do you mean i said because i know that you didn't choose to do what it is you did most of the amends by members of aa to me are about they assassinated my character most of times they don't even know me they've never met me but you know how it is if somebody's sharing something that is differs a little from your experience and you hear some truth that resonates you get a little angry about that little edgy at least i always do maybe i'm the only one but so you know you you go out and you make those amends you pay the money back and you you make amends to those people you robbed emotional security from you ask them what can i do to set the books right you know and uh the freedom behind all that is just beyond belief see i'm a free man i'm free to go anywhere i'm not carrying nothing behind me i get to live in in the present moment of my life because there ain't nothing back here anymore. And I stay real current with that. You know, I still fall asleep sometimes when I do things, but I'll wake up to it and I take care of it right away and clean the stuff up. God, what a quality of life I had today because of this program, because of what I learned in the big book, get a chance to go to meetings and share with others. That's all I got. It's good to be here. Thanks. Thank you.