Character Defects and Making Amends – Step Workshop – Part 3 of 3 – Local AA Speakers

Hi, y'all. My name is Kim Monroe, and I am a sober alcoholic. My sobriety date is July 14th, 2008, and my home group's 164. All right, so six and seven, we spent a little time today finding out about honesty and that our life is unmanageable with drinking or without drinking, without God. And then in three, we turn it all over to him, And four, we get to look at ourselves and find out what's been causing us all this trouble. And five, we gets to share it with somebody else. So by the time I did that with my sponsor, I looked in the big book, and we have two little paragraphs for steps six and seven. I was like, woo-hoo, let's do those really quick and move on. They can't be that important. I certainly didn't give it a lot of space in the Big Book. So I was all about getting those steps done quickly and just moving on and letting it be all done, right? Needless to say, that's not exactly why they have those steps in there. But what happened in my life was I did all the steps. I had a complete spiritual awakening during the fifth step. And I did six and seven real quickly. I was ready to let go of it. I just didn't really realize how deep what I had inside me was going to be difficult to let goes of. And what that means by that is my character defects run deep within me. They're rooted deep withinme. the selfishness, the inconsideration, the jealousy, the anger, resentment. I wanted to get rid of it and I wanted it gone quickly because I wanted to be pure as a driven snow. But that's not how God worked in my life. If we allow it to, step six which reads, we're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Entirely meaning completely. If you allow it to, step six will teach us the following. This is my experience. It might have taught you more. It might've taught you less, but this is where I am currently in my life. Principle behind step six is willingness and it certainly teaches us that. So it's also taught me to ask God to become willing to continue to look at my character defects, work closer with my sponsor, work closely with all of you. This is my favorite, to let go and to let God. To have faith, to change, to grow, to look at adversity as an opportunity, to accept and be in the moment, to gain self-understanding, to continue to inventory myself and to let go of old ideas, to look at painful situations as an opportunity to grow spiritually, To listen to our inner voices. To surrender to God minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. And it allows us to ask ourselves questions while asking God for help. I thought that, you know, I worked all the steps and I would be like all spiritually fit. Everything would be great. I wouldn't be restless, irritable, and discontent ever again, like it talks about in the doctor's opinion. But I quickly became restless, irritable, and discontent. I was doing all the steps, but I really wasn't doing all of them, obviously, because I became restless. I became restlessly irritable and disconsolate. And it came clear to me really quickly that I had shortcomings. I had faults about me. I had more wrongs I had to look about. I mean, just like character defects. It just kept coming up. And on page 76 in our big book, it says that they are objectionable. So to have them means that I'm not of service to God with these kind of character defects going on in my life. It's about me being willing to be of maximum service to God and to be a program of attraction, me as an individual. As a unit of AA, to be attractive, I have to get rid of these character defects within me in order for people to want to work with me. So if I'm walking around angry or jealous or feeling resentment towards others, nobody's really going to want to work with me. So I really feel that it's important that these steps be put into my life on a daily basis. At first I thought they were just steps, but then I realized I had to apply them to my life. And when I took the black words off the white paper that Dan was talking about and I started applying it to my wife, things started to change. Every day I live in six and seven. I mean, at night we have all the other steps that we'll talk about later on this afternoon and in the morning our review and so forth. But for me, Steps 6 and 7 work like this. On page 76 it says we become willing or we can become willing. Now how do we become willingly? For me it worked like this, I would get into so much pain and frustration or irritability or I'd be running this show to such an extreme degree that I would absolutely have to ask God for help over and over and over again. I'm going to give you a couple little examples just so you can kind of look at it in your own life. And we don't all have the same problems or to the same degrees, but one of mine was jealousy. It was a deep-seated thing from childhood, as most of my issues are I'm finding. But it started to become painful to me and painful to other people in my life. And my relationships were not healthy because of it. And everything I did, I was comparing me to you and you to you. And it was just really exhausting, actually, as John had said earlier, how exhausting some of this stuff can be. But I prayed about it. I talked to my sponsor about it? I started reading about it+. I went on the Internet about it%. I mean, I wanted to get rid of this. I became entirely ready, completely ready to have God take that from me. And I spoke to a couple of women in the program, and it was interesting because, you know, they were married. They didn't seem like they were jealous people, but they had all gone through it. And so doing it, so like living through their experience, this one girl said, I don't know what happened, it's just that one day it went away. And that's how Step 6 works for me. It's that I ask God, tells me to do that on page 76. I become willing to ask him, and then eventually it just goes away. over and over again that happened um another thing that happened to me was that i was in a relationship a boy-girl kind of relationship and um i had painted this real pretty picture about what i wanted it to look like i don't know if any of y'all do that but i i don'T i'm i'm way out of the delusion era i'm into the fantasy of creating what i want things to be and um I loved when Carmen came up here to me because she was like um I worked with her for a few months. She's an incredibly awesome woman. But, you know, she told me that not only was I running other people's lives, I was playing God in my own. And I'm like, oh, my God, I play God in my life. And then I realized that, you have this video camera going how I want everything to be. But it takes me a long time to uncover, discover and discard. But the process of it, even though it's painful, it's developing a sense of assuredness for me. The self-worth goes like higher and higher and the self-esteem goes higher and higher because I'm finding out more about me and how I tick and how i work and in relationship to god and you all but um i was being dishonest and i didn't really realize it um i Was talking to the sponsor that i had at the time and she keeps going are you stressed out no i'm not stressed out i'm fine i'm perfect i'm the perfect little a woman and um there's times for somebody are you stretched out oh yeah oh no, I've just gained 25 pounds. I can't sleep. I'm like, you know, pissed off all the time. No, yeah, I'm stressed out. Well, you know, after a lot of evaluation and really just doing inventory after inventory, I found out I was just being dishonest. And in being dishonested, it was dishonest to me, you guys. It was dishonesty to me that this picture that I painted was not exactly the picture God had intended for me because I suffer from a disease of more, more, and more. I want more. I'm never satisfied with more. I'm not even satisfied when you give me more, I still want more. I want more of what I want, more of what I desire, not more of What God has intended for me. So through that whole process, I was able to go, Whoa, I'm so dishonest. Then I flipped over to page 76. And it says right there. So simple. This program is really simple. It says, if we still cling to something, I love that word something. So we can insert him in here. I still cling to him. I love clinging. Oh, God. They didn't call me kitty for nothing. It's just like, hang in there, baby. If we still cling to something we will not let go of, we ask God to help us be willing. How simple is that? So I said, okay, God, would you please be willing? Well, I'm willing. Will you be willing to help me let go of my dishonesty and boom, the next day I can see the truth. And when I can see the true, then I got something else to do with it. But that's for somebody else to talk about. All right. So, um, talked about objectability now. So when the pain of remaining the same is greater than change, that's when I'm going to ask God to be willing. That's just how it is for me. Now you guys might be able to hang in there a lot longer. I've got a high resistance to pain way up here but for me um i go back to that line where it says we squander the hours that might have been useful if i am in this i am not helping you i'm not helping myself and i'm staying the same and there is nothing cool about staying the same because the whole world's involved in change um another example was um one night at 164 will said while he was sharing i have to practice the principle of honesty in all my affairs. I have to be willing to do this in all my affairs, even my checking account. And I've probably heard that before, but this particular night I was like, oh God, that means me too. You know, like I have to be, I have been willing to practice this in all my affair. So I was like, well maybe that's why whenever I wrote that check and I didn't have money in the bank, that caused that to bounce and that caused it to bounce, then I had less money, and it's a vicious cycle and I think I've done that before. So once again, You know, I cause myself enough pain, but for some reason I just have to be ready for it. I don't know how that works, but God seems to get in all up in there and get up in my business and shows me how it works. So I can use that prayer there too. God, I'm now willing to change that. I'm not willing not to do that. So it helps me with all my character defects, those particular steps. It helps me mit my control issues. You know? I hate to think that I'm controlling, but, you know, I go to COTA every Saturday morning, and they tell me that I am. So, you know, I'm all about getting better. I'll do whatever it takes to do more, to get better, to help others. You know,I'm all out of service. I'mall about anything I can do to get into the spirit of light and to God, to be right here in the present moment. That's another thing Carmen taught me, and it's kind of all up in this, you know is just to be, just tobe right here where I am at all times. I can't be righthere where Iam if I'm in my character defect over here because it's going to cause, if I'm overdrawn, I'm like, check your account. You're all going to hear about it, not because I'm going to tell you the truth, but you're going to get mad because I'll be angry to you, I'll being short with you, I'll become irritable, I'm not going to pick up your phone call, I'm getting into a little bit of self-pity, and then I'm gonna be over in the corner and be crying. So it all brings out all the rest of them. And all I got to do is be aware of it, ask God to remove it, and then move on. I love that these two little steps are together, even though they didn't give them a lot of space in the big book, man, And for me, it's just like, whoa, maybe it's where I am in my recovery. That's up to y'all wherever you're at. But it breaks it down to the next step is step seven. And there that says we humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings. Back in the day, they said on our knees we ask him, which is a humbling posture to get in front of God. And it's not necessarily for God. It's just that God wants us to need him. And I want to break down that prayer, and then we'll say it at the end here, and then I want to read something to you all. Good thing I can't see the clock, and I got those numbers out there, Nicole, because y'all on that little chip thing went into my time. Okay. That's all right. I'm about sharing here. Okay. So it says, My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me. Interesting. All of me? Like, you know how we like to keep a little bit over here? Oh, not about that little affair I'm having with God or, you know, that little lying and cheating I've been doing over here or that, you know, I'm isolating. But all of me, God wants to use all of my good and bad. And Luanne and I were talking at the break how God can use some of my defects of character to help other people. And she was newly sober. We were at a meeting. They needed a chairperson, and I'm all energetic about, yeah, yeah. Let's do AA. And nobody would raise their hands, and then I'd go, well, Luanne will do it. And she wasn't my sponsee, by the way. And I didn't think she minded. And then I got a phone call, quickly found out that she did. And then, I was annoyed that she was actually offended by me, that I would suggest that for her. Like, really now? Don't you think you should be doing that? And then. I called my sponsor. Luckily, I called. My sponsor and they're like, oh, nope, you were wrong. She's not your sponsea. Ain't none of your business. Call her up and apologize. So my brashness, my aggressiveness, my assertiveness, all of the rah-rah about AA. Luann has now the commitment, right? And she goes and she chairs the meeting. And she's recovering also. And after the meeting, she calls me up and she goes, You know what, Kitty, I was angry at you for making me do that. But it was absolutely the best experience I ever had. So what is good and what is bad? Maybe God will use something within me to help someone else move along or whatever. And it turns out that by her calling me, it was another blessing. So I can't look at things as if they're good or bad because I just need to look at things as If they are what is not what if it's going to happen, but what is happening, you know, what really is happening. So I pray now that you remove from me every single defect of character which stands in my way of my usefulness to you God and to my fellows. So once again, it's about me keeping my house clean so that I'm available for God immediately upon request in whatever he wants me to do. And then it says grant me strength. We need that whenever you're working with sponsees. As I go out from here to do your bidding, you know, I mean, we really do need strength to do it because I found that as we want to pass on this message that there's going to be a lot of roadblocks in our way to helping other people recover. So we really do need strength. And this is my interpretation, you guys. This is just where my spirit is. And then it says, Amen. Now, I've been told that Amen means so be it. So once I get to the point where I want to be willing to get rid of this, I ask God, I get down on my knees, I become humble, I say this prayer, that's it. End of story. I don't get to walk off and carry it with me all day and ruminate about how I wish you would have done it this way or should have done het that way. It's just it, so be it, done, amen. It's the only prayer in our big book that has a completion to it, and there are many ways of looking at that. But so be et. That's the end of that prayer. Would you all like to say the prayer with me? Okay. Like I said, I want to read something to you. The prayer reads, My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. Amen and amen. Okay. For me, this is about letting go and letting God. And really, in truth, God has it all anyways. But he wants me to grow and change and become a better person. And thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous. But I found this writing one day, and I like to read it because it was written by someone anonymously. And I had a feeling they might have known a little bit about our program. And it is not AA literature, but it encourages me to read outside of AA for books. So I'm going to read this to you guys, if you will. It's a relinquishment foundational to our faith, letting go. To let go doesn't mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else. To letgo is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can'T control another. To letgogo is notto enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To let Go is not try to change or blame another. I can only change myself. To let GO is not to care for, but to care about. To letGO is notto fix, butto be supportive. To letGo is nottodudge, buttoolowanother to be a human being. To letGOSnottobeinthemiddlearrangingalltheoutcomes, buttoallowotherstoaffecttheirownoutcomes. To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality. To let goes not to deny but to accept. To letgo is notto nag, scold or argue but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them. To letgosnot to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes. To letgose not to criticize and regulate anyone but try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To let Go is to fear less and love more. Anonymous. The end. Thank you. That was perfect. Sorry. That was bad. awesome thank you so much kitty well we next uh launch into uh some more action here or into some action um the next speaker uh is is is it's something special to me i think she's absolutely awesome that's the best way i can put it um i haven't known her very long but in the time that i've known her. I can say that it's been an experience. She's very caring, she's loving, she lives this program, has some unique perspectives but you know what in all the way we work at it it all seems to make sense and with that I introduce Miss Ruthie. My name is Ruthie, and I'm special. I'm an alcoholic, I'm a woman, I'm Hispanic, and there's a lot more to it than that. And I'm also a lesbian. There you go. That classifies half of me. You know, when I first got into the program, I have to admit that there was certainly a lot of stuff I needed to look at. And how do you go about really looking at yourself? in step four we look at the resentments and we we see that in the midst of being the victim we see where we've really done some nasty stuff to people and we talk to another person about it we ask god to humbly forgive us for our shortcomings to take them away. For me, it's forgiveness. And now step eight says we make a list of these people that we have harmed and we became willing to make amends to them all. The list should, if you thoroughly did your fourth step, thoroughly, you should have a list of names. For me it was institutions because I was a thief and I would go shopping periodically without permission and without a bankroll. I was not a saint. People, places, and sometimes belief systems. Religion, for one. I hated religion. I hated anyone that talked about religion. You had a label. Like I'm a lesbian, well, you had a table. You had to label too. It wasn't nice. So I listed all this stuff on a sheet of paper like I'm supposed to do. And I always tell my sponsees that these are the last action steps you do before the promises are fulfilled. And we're going to read those promises at the end together if we have to, but if not, I'll just read them to you. But step eight to me was the beginning of the end of isolation. Isolation because to me I have still remorse and guilt over the people that I've harmed. And I still, you know, I'm reminded that I still could not look at you eye to eye because though I told somebody that I trusted my stuff, I still wasn't completely clean, you know, and I needed to shed. And this is what eight gives me the list and the preparation so that I can get into nine and actually do those direct amends, you you know, so that I could begin to look at you eye to eye as a whole woman with no remorse, no guilt, no resentment. That's pretty cool and very powerful. So for me, all these steps are getting me closer to God. You know, it's chipping away at that self-seeking, self-centered individual, which I was, and chipping it away so that i can get closer to do God's work, the sunlight of the spirit and I love that because it's what I believe today that anything I do is a direct result of my faith and my belief in the God of my understanding and in the beginning it was my sponsor she was a very powerful person in my life and so she should have been so I make this list and harm to me is a result of instincts gone wrong and how did I hurt you physically How did I hurt you mentally, emotionally? And how did I hurts you spiritually? How did i do this? You know these are the things i need to look at before i get ready to look at you face-to-face and say what i need to say. You know i need a little bit of time to prepare myself. So the hardest thing for me to look out was in the big book on page 76 it talks about we found that others retaliated for something that I had originally done. Mrs. Jones, who was a Christian woman, you know, well, yeah, okay. So I went in her backyard and I pulled all the roses. So she called the cops on me. Well, this is a Christian women that I literally got so mad. She saw Fitch call the cops. She called the police on me? I was the one that started that. But I only looked at what a bitch, you now. She called the cops on me. How dare she do that? By this time, I need to look at me and what I've done to you. So the question is, how did I harm you? What did I do exactly? What didI do? Oh, you know, I did a little lying. No, no, what did I really do to you? How did I lie to you ? Well, I actually went to your girlfriend, you and told her, hoping it would get back to you. You know, all that stupid stuff we do to create that nastiness that happens. Was I selfish? Was I dishonest? Was I inconsiderate? You know I'm the tornado that runs through your life and leaves a bunch of junk. You know, and I go on my happy way in my dysfunctional way like nothing wrong. There's a lot wrong, a lot wrong. So my list was large. I was born in Tampa, raised in Tampa. So everything I've done in disease I now have to atone for in sobriety. Some of us are lucky we do geographical cures. I didn't get to that one quick enough. So the willingness is what sets me free. And I pray for the willingness until it comes. And we do this for the sole motive of removing guilt and remorse. So we make the list, we ask the questions, and then we pray for The Willingness. That's all step eight is. It isn't about projecting into what's going to come. It's focusing on those questions, how I've harmed. Let me write it down so that, you know, and then I'm prepared. I don't know how many of you when you go to work, you know, I have to go to working. There has to be paper and pencils and stuff for me to do my job. So I stock up and do unprepared. You know, step eight is in preparation for nine for me. so of course I let my sponsor look at my eight in my list my institutions which Walmart, Kmart Macy's on occasion when I felt in a good mood moms dads friends an addict is the worst person when something is missing and the alcoholic will say I didn't do it, the addict will help you look for it. That were me. Friends, people that mattered. And I could say this in a joking way today, but you know what? It's only because God has truly blessed me and forgiven me. But it's not a joke. There are many sick and suffering people out there that are just clueless as to what the disease is really doing to them. so I'm going to let go of step 8 and go to step 9 because that's it for step 8 if it doesn't please you then get with your sponsor and I'm sure she'll help you go deeper into step 8 but it's my stuff and this is what I got step 9 is to make direct amends to such people wherever possible except to do so would injure them or others direct amens Toby face to face eye to eye direct amands This doesn't say mail a letter to your mommy and daddy and say, oh, I've done all this crap to you and please forgive me. That is not step nine. Step nine is standing in your truth humbly to another human being and saying, you know what? This is what I've been doing and what I have done and when to do so would not injure them or others. That means that when I look at you and say, Toby, when we were married I cheated on you a lot with Mary Jo, Mary Beth, Mary Ann all your co-workers oh, and by the way I'm a lesbian that is not a ninth step amends he's there with his heart on his sleeve wondering what the hell was I married to And what about my friends? How could they do that to me and sleep with my ex-wife? I've hurt him just to feel good. That is not a nice step. And I caution you, man, do not do a nice-step amends unless you've talked to your sponsor because you know what? He or she will know the truth. My magical mind left to its own devices will still self-destruct and hurt people. Don't do it. So face-to-face. The big book says on page 83, or actually the 12 and 12 does, that good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence. These are the qualities we shall need when we take step nine. Y'all know what those words mean? Yeah? Good judgment? Really? You know what it means? I didn't. I didn'T know what good judgment was. you know I could judge what you were wearing and if you were wearing like you know name brands I knew you had some money that was how I judged people good judgment comes from a sponsor ask the questions what is good judgment she'll tell you and believe her because that's why you have her or him they're there to guide you through those things a sense of timing I am not going to go to a funeral and dump on my auntie who's just lost her husband and say, by the way, we need to talk. I need to do a ninth step with you, please. Timing is everything. Wherever possible, it doesn't say whenever possible. If it said whenever possible, I would never do it. It says wherever possible. Some of the people that I harmed are now gone. But I wanted that relief that I got with the people that I did a face-to-face with, because trust me, when you do it and you stand with your God right next to you and you are genuine in your presentation to this person, the freedom you're going to get is... I can't put it to words. I really can't. So what about the people that are gone. I sat with my God in my favorite place. For me, it's my backyard where the squirrels play and stuff. And I ask God and I write a little note and I read the note to God and then I burn it and I bury it. That's what I do. I'm sure your sponsors will tell you ways to get the relief necessary to remove the remorse and guilt. Utilize them. And you'll hear me say that a lot. I only had 16 sponsors. Because, you know what? That one knows more than you. So, bye-bye. I was arrogant. I was confused. And I was unwilling to yield. so I guess I did do a geographical cure didn't I with sponsors yeah okay alright so I made a chart and the chart was the people that I have harmed now these are the ones I'm going to do now then another chart said later and then another chat said these arethe ones that I ain't never gonna do I'm never going to do. And we all know who those are. We don't even say their names. What's cool about the now list is it gives you some strength. It gives you some encouragement, you know, it gives you some feeling of liberation. So the later list doesn't look so much later. You know what I'm saying? But I start with a now later and never ever will do it. And what's good about this is there's no time limit. You have as long as you want to do. As long asyou remain willing to do it could take as longas you want. I've never met a sponsor to tell me you have exactly four months and two days to complete your ninth step. And anyone that does that to you, do a geographical cure run I used people in the past but I need the people back I need them back in my life I used people because that's what I thought you were supposed to do and then I realized with a sponsor and with the help of God and those about me that I now give I get to give back i was a taker i don't know about you guys but i was a takER so the goal is to continue to clear away situations or persons with the money gig i wrote more money orders when they i don' t know if they still do money orders today but back when i was around money orders i did them to walmart macy's you know institutions that i took money from anonymous money orders i don''t know what the hell they did with the money, it doesn't matter. It was a way for me to clean up my creditors. And if you don't think they catch up to you, I went to open up my first savings account at a bank, which will remain nameless. And I went in there with 500 bucks. I was so proud. First time I'd ever saved money. And I go inside and the manager comes to the desk and says, Ms. Rosella, will you please coming to my office. I thought I was a big shot. I want to get to see the big guy's office. I was like, yes, certainly. You know, I thought they were going to give me a toaster, you know, something. What they gave me was an ultimatum. Ms. Rosello, in such and such a year, you took your account and spent such and much money on such an amount. I was cracking my brains out and like an idiot I used my own checking account shut up so I had to pay this money back or go to jail and I was like did I have a choice really I would love to say that I made the God choice and said oh I'm so sorry of course I want to pay this back I said can you just take half they wanted it all and so for three or four months after that I paid the balance owed back and I did it with a resentment that went well beyond any resentment you could ever imagine but when it was all said and done I could breathe I don't know have you ever hurt somebody so bad that when you see them you stop breathing you can't look at them Well, by paying this money back, I was able to feel somewhat human again. I still have that same checking account today. Eight years in sobriety, it's the same checking count. You know? That was a big deal for me. It's a big detail to me. So we repair financial amends. we repair spiritually, physical and emotional amends. And the belief systems that I had that harmed me and those about me because I remember going to church one day and God if you're Pentecostal forgive me. I say it up front. But they had this little spiel where somebody was speaking tongues, had the vapors and then someone else will raise and speak in English about what God's message is. well I decided I was going to be the one to speak in tongues one Sunday and I was going to disprove this crap and I was going to wait for the person to stand up and interpret my gibberish so I flung out some pig Latin some sounds of animals whatever and the vapors hit me do you know a young man stood up and started saying a message and i said nene fluffy stop stop just stop and i told him what i had done i was immediately escorted to the pastor's office the service went on and he looked at me and he said after the service and he said what makes you think that just because you don't believe that we don't believe? I made my amends to, you know, wonderful thing about AA is you can believe whatever you want to believe. And you can believe it with all your might. I love that. It doesn't matter what it is as long as you believe it. And I believe in step nine, liberating me to be able to look at you eye to eye. I believe, in step 9, that I was able to begin to stand in my truth, good, bad, or indifferent. I'm whole because of God. So that's my experience, strength, and hope. Thanks. Thank you so much. Didn't you want to read the Ninth Step Promises? I'm your ex-husband. My ex-husband. Similar hairlines We have the same taste in women No, okay On page 83 The bottom of page 83 If you want to read with me Because this is really Beautiful stuff Kitty's shaking her head she knows if we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through we're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it we will comprehend and we will know peace no matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. Thank you, Toby. Ruthie B Ruthie R actually I keep wanting to call her Ruthie B I don't know who that is but nah that's what it is she said it not me alright the Alpha Club join us for first annual Valentine's Day spaghetti dinner I don' t know if it can be as good as Brett's today but it's Sunday February 10th at 4 p.m. on North Hubert Avenue in Tampa. Ladies and gentlemen, Sober Stock 2013. Woo-hoo! Fridays through Sunday, March 15th, 16th, and 17th. You all know about that. It's all sorts of information. If you need it, we can get it for you. All right. Having gone through step nine, what they call the action steps, We are going into what some call the maintenance steps. Some people call it that. Some people have other opinions, but we'll see what they have to say. This young man who's going to present this today is kind of near to me, near and dear, had a lot of talks with him. As a matter of fact, as today our parish priest at this church is from the Philippines. And this guy, I introduced him to him, the priest. And next thing I know, he starts rattling off in some Philippine language. And, you know, it looks like he just came out of Kentucky or Kansas, you know. So maybe he was speaking in tongues, Ruthie. But we don't know. But I know when he speaks, he makes a lot of sense. And it's my privilege to introduce to you Mr. Abram B. Afternoon. My name is Abram. I'm a recovered alcoholic, and I use the word recovered to state that I've recovered from a seemingly helpless state of mind and body. As we go through these steps today, and I really do appreciate everything that's been said prior to me being up here. But going back and, you know, listening to someone in Step 2 talking about, you know, returning to sanity, when I admit that my status as a human being had become helpless, my state of mind, I didn't think there was any help for it. And, you know, step 10, I'll get into in a little bit, promises us that, you know, sanity, in the big book on page 84. But to go back to what developed in my life to lead me to a point where I was seemingly helpless in my mind and in my body, to me, was kind of a subconscious mystery. I didn't know why I got to that point. I could look back and point to circumstances in my life revolving around a nomadic family living in different countries, and my parents loved me, but I took it for granted. Circumstances that occurred in my wife were the same circumstances that my sister went through. She doesn't have a problem with alcohol. And so why is that? I think, I look back at what Lee was talking about as to having this allergy, having this perpetual motivation to create chaos in my life. And I don't understand it, but given I can go through the same circumstances as someone else and I can view it totally different and respond to it totally differently, play the victim, and create secrets and create lies revolving around that. I appreciate what Ruthie was just talking about, about just the chaos that we do create, the cyclone of our activities that just leaves wreckage in our past. And that's just the way my mind works. I want to hide. I want? lie. And my solution and my thinking is to fix it up until I have the solution outlined in this book, was to drink. That was my solution. And that caused more problems. That caused me to delve deeper into this insanity that it talks about. I like the definition that they give in the book on page 37 of what insanity might be. It's a lack of proportion of the ability to think straight. And I can look back and honestly tell you that for up until about a year and a half, almost two years ago, my ability to think straight was lacking in that it caused me to do things and say things that were hurtful to others, hurtful TO myself, and ultimately hurtful To my relationship with God. I want to point out, you know, going through these steps is, you know, the most important thing anyone can do for their recovery. I really appreciate having that time that we had to just denote the clean time that people have, you know, from going from, you know, 30 days to 30 years. Just what that entails and, you know, if I can give any message to anyone that's here, you know, that hasn't gone through the steps, it's, you know, get a sponsor that you can identify with, that you can feel comfortable with, and more importantly, a sponsor that will take you through the steps. The steps are outlined in this book. The first 103 pages, pretty much, will take you through the steps line by line. It's important that you do that with a sponsor that's been through them. I went through this program as a 21-year-old without a sponsor, and I had seven years of not drinking time, but that was insufficient. There's something about the way my mind works, and I believe it's the alcoholic mind works, that there really is only this one solution that I'm familiar with. It's not just a theory in my mind. It's based on the experience that I've heard in these rooms. I can argue against theories and I can debate against ideas, but I can't really debate against experience because experience actually happens. It's the facts. You know, it's about what happens to other people when they go through these steps. So I have this lack of proportion of the ability to think straight. I have the seemingly helpless mind and body that has led me to this point where, you know, I'm insane. I'm not I'm causing myself. I'm doing the same things again and again, as Albert Einstein says, you know, expecting different results. And so what do I have to do to to change that? Where what is the solution other than alcohol? Because that's that was the easy solution. And that was the, you know, granted, I can do that any time. Well, the solution starts in these steps. In getting to step 10, it says it suggests we continue to take personal inventory. And this book goes back and forth between telling you that these are suggestions and these are musts. And to me, they're both the same. It's a suggestion like suggesting that you pull your ripcord when you jump out of an airplane with a parachute. Um, but in my mind there musts. I mean, there's things that I have to do. Um, and so up until this point we've cleaned house, we've talked with our sponsor, we've, we're developing this relationship with this higher power. Um, whether or not we believe it at this point, um, I think is different for other people. But the promises, the promise that I get from Step 10 is that sanity will return and that I am responsible to stop fighting, you know? I am responsible to start taking action, well, continuing to take action in maintaining what I've gained up to this point. I look around and today is a special day in Tampa, I guess. A lot of people are down Gasparilla. I've never been. I hear it's a hoot if you're into that kind of thing. But when I look around here, I look at people that have chosen an action to be here today as opposed to being down there. And given if none of us had recovery, I think most of our minds and our actions would have taken us down there and so all of us have maintained sobriety up until this point today by taking action of being here and taking action of listening to people's experience, strength, and hope on these steps. And I just appreciate the principle behind step 10 being perseverance. I am a quitter. I am an liar, a cheat, and a thief. I do not like to do things consistently, left to my own devices. I mean, I guess I did consistently drink can cause problems. But when it came to responsible activities, I was a quitter. Sports teams wasn't going my way. I'm done. Relationships, oh, you offended me. I am hurt. Let's get through with it. Why continue something that I don't want to do? Perseverance is a hard principle for me to grasp. And I think it's daunting for anyone to think of living the rest of their life in recovery, but that's not what this book and that's not what these spiritual principles teach us. They tell us to take it one day at a time, and I can wrap my head around that, andI can wrapmy head around taking action today to get out of the way of God. Step 10 here on page, it starts right halfway down page 84 in the big book and continues down to 85. It continues actually after what Ruthie had prayed, you know, they will materialize if we work for them, and then this thought brings us to step 10. I found that as I got to this point, I didn't really know what was going on. I'd like to sit here and tell you that I had it all figured out and that these steps just made sense in my mind. I was just going on what my sponsor was telling me, and I wasjust putting one foot in front of the other. That's all I could really wrap my head around. And I'm by nature hard-headed, stubborn, like to overanalyze everything. This time around, I was pretty much beaten down to the point where I was just willing to take suggestions. And getting to this point, I didn't really notice this obsession leaving me. It talks about alcohol as being this obsession and this craving that we have. I didn't know, I can't pinpoint when this happened, but I can pinpoint the suggestion that my sponsor gave me to start reading these pages, page 84, 85, 86, 87, 88 every day and to start incorporating new actions into my life. And by doing things differently, by acting differently, my thinking changed. You know,I can sit here and think all day, but unless I actually put one foot in front of the other, my thinkings not going to change. And that's the whole goal of this. That's what it was outlined for me is that, you know, the goal of going through the steps is to have a change in my psyche, you know? A change in the way I think, the way i perceive things and create new avenues of ways to live. You know, I mentioned earlier that I had recovered. You know? It says here in step 10 that we were never cured of alcoholism and I never claimed that. But we are led to a point where, you now, my lack of proportion of the ability to think straight, you know, my seemingly helpless state of mind and body has changed. You know, I no longer am that victim. I no long have to fight each day wondering how I'm going to, you know, make it through the day without just, you know, hurting someone or hurting myself. Today, I have a chance to, you know be in a fellowship of people that encourage me to take action, to hold me accountable, that allow me to hold them accountable. And that continues to grow each day, well, most days. I'll say that, and I'll stay this, just to be entirely honest, is that if we're not making progress and if we'RE not continuing to grow, someone told me once that we'RE either moving closer to a drink or closer to the solution. And today I want to be part of that group of people that is guided by the solution of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't do it perfectly, and I'd be lying if I said that I did. I do, to the best of my ability, wake up each day thankful that I'm alive. I've had a privilege of sponsoring others and to see the change in their life. And step 10, when we get to it, is something that is kind of a refreshing step to do with them because I don't have to hold their hand through it. It's me kind of letting them leave the nest. It's saying, you know what? This is what you've been given so far. Let's go ahead. You're responsible for taking these steps to enlarge your spiritual life. And it calls us to stay in fit spiritual condition. You know, whatever we, the actions that we take each day is like exercise. You know? We're gearing up for the next day by the actions we take today. That's just the nature of doing exercise. Staying fit. Runners and triathlons, they work out, they exercise so that they can prepare themselves for the race. You know, and the same ways we're called to maintain our spiritual conditioning. The suggestions that were handed down to me and, you know, in this book, you know, it's pretty clear what we're told to do, what kind of actions to take. Yes, the concept of a higher power is ambiguous and is different for each of us. I don't claim to have a corner on my perspective of higher power. But there are some principles we live by that we are given in this book that make things pretty easy in terms of when I ask myself, how do I live? Going through these steps, I learned a lot about myself. Biggest lesson I think I learned about myself is that I didn't really know who I was. And I was given the opportunity to be reborn. Someone had mentioned that earlier. And so how now do I live? You know, that's the big question. I think it's been studied throughout the ages. What are the actions that we should take today that are beneficial, that are going to continue to keep us on this course? And this book tells us pretty much word for word in black and white what to do. Every day is a day. when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. In step three, we give our will to God in that prayer. And God gives it back to us here in step ten. It says he teaches us � well, it doesn't say this. It says, how can I best serve thee? Thy will, not mine, be done. These are the thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our willpower along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. So I am able to use my will only if it's God's will, only if my intention and my motive is to serve God and be in his will. It's kind of a paradoxical situation, but for me in my experience, and you can argue with the theory, but my experience has shown me that I am a lot happier these days. The actions that I take in praying those kind of prayers and using that as my motive for being and for living has made me genuinely happy. I don't sit, I don'T play the victim. My relationships with others are actually lasting. I'm grateful that I have loving relationships today. And that's not something that left to my own devices. I think I wouldn't be in this place, I think, left to mine devices. With this disease of alcoholism, I think, you know, the book promises we're going to die. You know, basically, if we don't do this stuff, you Know, we're gonna die. It's a little bit morbid, but that's the reality is that each day, you know we have, we have the option of how to be and how to act. You know step four talks about, you know, we continue to do this. We want to keep our house clean and avoid selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear and step 10 is kind of a mini four-step that we get to do each day i know some sponsors like their sponsors to write write it down every night and have a notebook and you know that's not what that's now my experience my experience was you know hey you know just get right you know be not i wasn't told that i was told you know to just continue to to do things like pray, at the end of the day, look back. And the funny thing is, well, it's not really that funny, but the reality was the more I did that, the shorter the list became of things that I did that were wrong, the less pain I experienced. Kitty was talking about having just this high threshold for pain and I can identify with that. I'm great at inflicting and accepting pain in my life. But my threshold for pain is decreasing, and that's sort of the result of my actions along these steps. Step 10 is the more that I do it, the less I'm tolerant of pain. If there's something in my life that is not right, I don't wait until it hurts that much. I address it, you know? I address It as quickly as possible so that I don' t have to sit there at night and dwell on these things, keep myself up, and regret things all the time. So that's my experience with step 10. It says that by doing these things, we receive inspiration and direction. You know, I might not always know what the best course of action is, but I know that if I can pray at any moment and, you know, I might still have some confusion as to how to be, but I will, by giving my will up, there's really not a lot wrong I can do if I'm truly genuine in giving my Will away. It promises us to some extent we will become God conscious and we begin to develop this vital sixth sense. And as we continue to grow and as we Continue through these steps And, you know, like Toby was saying, some people call these the maintenance steps. You know, I mean, I don't sit � my experience is not that I just, you know, hey, I just need to do 10, 11, 12 each day. It's, you Know, I give my will to God as often as I can. That's a step three, you know. I admit that, you know, if I � I don' t think about alcohol a lot, but when I do, the second thought is usually, wow, that would � I'm powerless over it. I would be giving my will to that other higher power that I served for so many years. And I don't want to go down that road today. One of the things that we also get to be rid of is the fear. I used to be afraid that, you know, I'd have reservations about, well, what if, you Know, I'm in this situation and, You know, I could create certain scenarios where, you know, I was afraid that I would be looked at as less than by my peers if I was to never drink again. And my thinking was just along the lines of creating these scenarios to live in fear. And I'm so glad that I'm around a group of people and around these kind of principles that allow me to get rid of those. And I do that through practicing the 10th step, where I'm able to look over my day. Where have I given in? Because it really is giving in. It's my choice to go into the resentment, to go Into that fear, To go into that selfishness and dishonesty, which I still can do on a daily basis. But it is my choice, and I have to accept responsibility And show willingness to get rid of that. Otherwise, I think that I backtrack. so I think that's about it thank you for letting me share my experience with Step 10 Thank you for listening