Spiritual Awakening – Big Book Workshop – Part 2 of 2 – Peter M.

My name is Pete. I'm a recovered alcoholic, grateful to be alive and sober and part of a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. And first things first, just a big thank you to Dustin, his lovely girlfriend, Adam, New Beginnings for this kind invitation to Chris and I to be here and share today our experience and hope on going through the 12 steps. And so we can give it up for them just for a minute for putting this on. Getting to do these things is one of the many bright spots in my life that I get to experience being on this journey, being on This Path as an active member in Alcoholics Anonymous. us. And I get to do things like this. I get to work with others. I got to go to meetings. I get it to do. I don't have to do, I don t need to do it. I get that to do because God gives us this opportunity to recover. And I'm still willing to go any lengths to recover and I seek this information. I seek my God still with the desperation of a drowning man. I m a seeker of experience. I m not a seecker of knowledge. I m no a seecher of faith. I am not a seaker of beliefs. What I am is a seeker of experience because my experience has proven to me that when we experience this power called God, we experience the conversion, the transformation, the revolution, and we become new people. We get reborn and resurrected in Alcoholics Anonymous. Acquiring knowledge, anyone can read the big book of AlcoholicsAnonymous and acquire knowledge. A lot of us have a lot of belief in things until our back's against the wall and then self-will takes over. a lot of us have faith in things until our back hits the wall and then self-reliance takes over but being in an experience with God we know it works like when we walk in a room and turn on a light switch there's no thinking we turn on the light switch wait for the lights it's worked a million other times experience with god seek experience I'm a seeker of experience God separated me from alcohol June 23rd 1988 I'm a recovered alcoholic. I say recovered because I am. I say covered because God in his infinite mercy and love brought me from a place of bondage of self, suffering from untreated alcoholism in the throes of addiction to a place called recovered. Recovered from what? A seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. No longer thinking about a drink. And if you're sitting here today and that sounds a little far-fetched, trust me, it's true. And if You don't think God can get you to a place of being free of thinking, then get a new God or very simply have a real experience with God and the abundance of God and the great love of God. Why would He keep us in a placeof thinking about a drink when He's got other things for us to do? If I'm not thinking abouta drink, it's because I've been freed of thinking of a drink, which means I'm freed of drinking. There's no more craving going on. There's not more allergic reaction going on, right? Freed of a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body and it all happens because of awakening of the spirit. I'm also recovered and I say I'm recovered from a lot of other things like untreated alcoholism. See, a lot us who come into Alcoholics Anonymous and we're physically separated from alcohol, We get to a place where we're no longer thinking about a drink. Therefore, we're not drinking and we're kind of on this journey. And then we experience a little reemergence of ego like we think we're in charge of our recovery. I'm in charge. I know better than God. And there's little subtleties how that starts to manifest in our life. And then when we start to experience being restless, irritable, and discontented, we start instead of visiting page 52 in the big book every once in a while, we start To Live Quietly on page 52. And I say quietly because the ego demands that I do not tell anyone. So what I need to do is seek comfort somewhere, and alcoholism goes underground and resurfaces in other areas, and it shows up and manifests in a sex spree or a food spree or a money spree or an anger spree or a fear spree, but something to take me away from where I currently am. And then I walk into an AA meeting and say, Joe, how are you doing? I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm find. dying on the inside just in the middle of an anger spree just finished hollering at the wife kicking a dog cursing people on the highway on the way to the meeting walk into a meeting how you doing joe i'm fine everything's good beautiful couldn't be better live and let live and then you feel real spiritual for about an hour and then the meeting ends at nine o'clock that night and you get back into your car and you've got the internal dialogue going on and a hundred forms of fear going on and mental obsessions about everything and instead of going home, I decide to take a U-turn and go visit her and hope the wife doesn't find out. Or for you ladies, go visit him and hope he doesn't find out because I need comfort. I need to get away from all of this. Or I go on a food spree. I go onto spending spree and I'm spending money I shouldn't be spending on gambling and things like that, right? And I think I'm running away. I'm wanting to comfort and all I'm doing is running away from the dis-ease and discomfort that I'm experiencing again and it has never left. That's why I always tell people, I encourage people to continue reworking the first nine proposals. Have the new experience with God. Grow in understanding and effectiveness. this. Enhance the experience you currently have. If you're feeling free today, do you want to get freer? It's by reworking the first nine proposals, get rocketed into 10, 11 and 12 and give the whole thing away and God will replenish me like this aqueduct to me and out to you. We're never a shortage of God's power. And we keep on the firing line living in all three sides of the triangle. Alcoholism does that, goes underground and resurfaces. And unless I'm armed with God, I'm a prey to alcoholism. Chris touched on steps one and two. The interesting thing about, we were talking on the way here at the airport about some of the things you hear in our contemporary aid meetings when it comes to step one, lots of us focusing on the second half of the first step. Well, my life's unmanageable. We go on to talk ad infinitum about when I was drinking, I did this. When I was loaded, I did that. Okay, we all know that. We all have a place in that club of what happened to us when we get loaded. And the tendency is once I'm focusing on the life situations, the condition of my life because of drinking, no money, no job, no relationship, no place to live. Then I remedy that. I get the job, I get their relationship, I get some money, and suddenly my mind says, see, it wasn't that bad. You're not really a bad alcoholic. You got into a little jam. And a meeting a month will work. And we fail to take a look at the first half of the first step, and then once we get that, we realize with the second half of The Spirit, the second half of the first step is really talking about. No power, no choice and no control. If I'm powerless it means I don't have power. And chapter 2 agnostics tells us lack of power is our dilemma. So with power no dilemma. No powerful choice or control in the mind before I even pick up a drink. Can't think the drink through. Anyone's telling any of you to think the drinking through tell them come see me. Because they're lying to you and they're giving you bad information and we die off of bad information like that. It's probably a hard drinker who's telling you play the tape to the end or think the drink through because if you're anything like me, I didn't even know what day that looked like when my mind said let's go drink and no matter what was in me, I couldn't stop it. Compelled to use. Relationships at stake, jobs at stake. Children are at stake My life is at stake and I still go pick up a drink. Now, anyone out there with sane, rational thinking would say, okay, I'll stay away. I don't want to lose her. I don'T want to LOSE my children. I DON'T want TO LOSE MY job. I DONT want TO lose my reputation. And I've worked hard for my savings. You're telling me if I do this, it's all gone? Okay, I won't drink. And they get on with their life. And they come to AA meetings and say, just put the plug in a jug. With me? For people like us, all of that's at stake. Just got out of treatment. We're out of treatment 20 minutes. and we say, I'm going to stop by the liquor store before I go home. I've done that. Compelled to drink. You can't stop it. And thinking the drink through, page 24 shoots that one, puts a million holes in that theory of, well, I'll play the tape to the end. I'll think the drink though. Because we get to, that wasn't that bad. When they tell us to think the dream through, they forget to include this part in that statement. Strange mental blank spots. See, if I have a strange mental blank spot, I can't play the tape through. I just get loaded. Chris talked about as the day wore on, he made a promise in the morning, as the days wore on it kind of like, well maybe that's a little extreme, let me think about it. I've done that. And I start off in the mornin', I'm done. I'm not drinking, it's over, finished. By four o'clock, I'm convincing myself to go drink again. And then I walk into the liquor store When I don't get just a little jug, I stock up. 8 o'clock in the morning, I wasn't drinking. 4 o' clock, I'm getting enough like I'm going away for a year. Well, let me get a little bit of this just in case. It's going to be a long night. See, for us, the main problem centers in the mind, not the body. And we're told to think the drink through with what? A sick mind. the ego in the mind my illness which resides in the mind has free room and board is not going to allow me sane rational thinking because it commits suicide. It will not do it it will not sign its own death warrant what it wants is me dead will settle for me drunk. It's never going to give me truth if you're using your thinking mind to get well in any area of your life, stop It's the problem-making machine. See, not until we get into step 11 that our big book tells us when our thinking is clear of wrong motives, my thought life is placed on a much higher plane. There's a shift in consciousness where God has given me the thinking now. Not me and the alcoholic mind. I mean, we tell newcomers, we say, we tell people in AA, which I had a dollop every time I heard, Bring the body and the mind, they'll follow. Main problem, the alcohol center is in the mind not the body. Bring the Body, the Mind, they will follow. The last thing I want showing up on any day is my thinking mind and we're telling some newcomer walking in with all the baggage, all the alcoholism state of obsession bring the body, the mind will follow no, no, leave the body in Minneapolis we're out here right now, leave it over there we don't want the mind showing up anywhere but you get some genius because they have 30 years of no drinking, completely untreated, sits back with their arms full and says, hey kid, bring the body on the mind to follow. I guess they don't know what alcohol is really all about because if they did, they'd be singing a different tune to you. They'd be saying, let's sit down and go through the big book, get you well now. Some of the delusional thoughts that fly around in our sacred fellowship. Think the drink through? That's a death sentence if you're a real alcoholic. play the tape to the end, can't do it bring the body and mind to follow I don't want my mind showing up anywhere not until I have the spiritual experience then I get to use my mind, not my mind using me main problem centers in the mind,not the body so where would be the solution I raise my hands off the problems in the minds, the solutions in the mine no main problem for the alcoholics centers of mind the solution is in the spirit, awakening in the spirit. When the spiritual maladies overcome our book says we straighten out mentally and physically. In the spiritual experience in the spiritual transformation the shift that we have in here, the shift of consciousness or very simply when we experience oneness with God again suddenly I'm thinking differently new perceptions how often do my perceptions cause me pain in suffering rather than the reality of actually what's going on. I'm looking at everything through alcoholic eyes, whether I'm drunk or not. I'm judging everything on fear and beliefs. I'm seeing you with all my belief systems. I'm never seeing you. I'm not seeing you because I don't know what's happening to me. I'm ever seeing you, I look at life through this body that's untreated completely bankrupt, if you will and yet I expect to have healthy happy relationships with others I walk up to you I say hello and I get all these judgments coming at you all this contempt coming at me not even about you but my whole life that has to go I say that because we show up to God with the same thing In chapter 10 agnostics, it says how more difficulty arises when we talk about God. The difficulty that arises when we talk about God, if you're anything like me, was not God with me, but me with God. There's no difficulty with God in me. It's my perceptions about God my judgments about God my misconceptions and perceptions about this power my belief systems and contempt about God God had no problem with me. No matter what I did, it was me coming at God. And that's how I show up to everyone with. And they come into Alcoholics Anonymous and they said, a power greater than yourself is going to restore me to sanity. Didn't I just tell you I hate God and you're telling me to go to God now? Great information chapter agnostics gives us though. Our own conception, no matter how inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach. Take, blow the doors wide open for us. There's no way around that. Your own conception of God, no matter how inadequate, no matter what you do, no matter limited you may feel with that, are you willing? Yes or no? You're off. Off and running. Whatever your conception of god is, no matter however inadequate, no matter small you think your god is are you will yes or no. Good, you're off and running Are you willing, yes or now? Little three in one oil will work on that door. talk about God people make noises for a minute I thought I was really spiritual I thought I was coming from the heavens that noise anyway so we can use G-O-D, group of drunks, good orderly direction, God. I just finished up a workshop back in Jersey and a gentleman came up to me and he says, you know, this God stuff, I saw me in him. This God stuff. I have a problem with God. He's, you know, people talk about God, find God now, all this stuff. He says, I really have a problem with Gott. He went on and on and on about God and problems with God and difficulty with God. And I says to him, why are you in Alcoholics Anonymous? He looked at me with the deer in the headlights. What are you doing here? He said, I'm an alcoholic. I said, so what? What are You doing in Alcoholic Anonymous ? I was baiting the guy. He said well, they told me to come here. I asked, but why are you here? He said I have a drinking problem. I answered, why don't you go to your religious community? Why don't You go to Knights of Columbus? Why don' t You go back to the bar and tell them You have a drinking problem? he's well a.a helps you stop drinking right i said yeah they do so i want to stop drinking i said oh so you came here because we can help you stop drinking he said yeah so we're a power greater than yourself aren't we he says yeah i says then you have a power great in yourself you have a god it's called a group of drunks good old direction he couldn't get away come to AA why because it works for drinking I have a drinking problem or I'm an addict and I go to my fellowship because that's the only place they'll take me in they're going to show me how to live without drinking there were power greater than yourself because if it wasn't you do it on your own how's that been working for you not so good so I go to this AA and they help me to do it. It's a power greater than myself. So when people come at me with their difficulties with God, I meet that resistance with no resistance. Experientially, let them answer their own question. If they could have stopped on their own, they would have. They wouldn't be here. How's that been working for you? Not so good. You came here. You guys are going to help me. Oh, it's a powerful greater than my self. They're off and running. They don't even know it. All we need is a mustard seed of willingness to move a mountain. Very simple. God doesn't make too hard turns for those who seek him. Most good ideas are simple. Would any of us give our children a stone if they were hungry? No, we'd give them our food and we'd go hungry. What about our heavenly father? Would any of us make things difficult for our children? Would any of us give our children, our loved ones, our nieces and nephews, our pets a difficult time if they made a mistake? We'd hold them and instruct them. We'd teach them.We'd love them unconditionally. We wouldn't make hard terms for our Children who are so precious. I recently became a grandfather and little Anthony's seven months old. I want to give him everything. And when he drops things or he cries, I don't say get him out of here. I love him. Why would our Heavenly Father give us a difficult time? Why would God make hard terms for us? Quite frankly, haven't we suffered enough? And God interrupted our debt and says, I have a path. Just get on the path. I'm going to pull you. I're going to pull you ashore to some things that you need to get rid of. I am going to give you the things that need to be rid of." It's called step four, but just hold on. The difficulty is the ego getting crushed, the manifestations of self-dying, self- dying, which has to be done in order for us to live successfully. It's call four through nine. And it starts with a decision in step three. And its just a decision. See, contemporary is going to tell you, work the first three steps. Challenge that. Don't roll over and let it go. First three steps is like striking out at home plate. Next? There's no such thing as working the first two or three steps unless after step three you immediately move into step four. We make a decision to turn my will in life over to the power of God. As I currently understand them at this moment, at this hour, as I'm kneeling with the sponsor saying the third step prayer, which is an affirmation of our decision. And then we don't hang around a while. I have to get a really good third step before I move on to step four. I've heard this, read the third step every day. Then I'll know I'm ready to take step four after the third-step prayer. At that moment, step four, in fact, the way you know you're working step three is four through nine, or you're not working step three. A lot of the belief systems in our glorious fellowship will tell you just hang around with one, two, and three, get a good first step, I'm here, I have a good third step. Now there's some things, some considerations when I sponsor people that I give them in step one to get really clear on that lack of power, choice, and control and that the real unmanageability is because of that lack of power choice and control besides the conditions of their life but I see someone walk into Alcoholics Anonymous and I get to know them they've qualified I don't need to work a really good first step I take a look at step two point it to the solution and make a decision in step three for what? to turn my will and life over to care of God what does that mean? Well, I'm going to do four through nine now and get free. And if I'm freer, if I're free, I can get freer. I rework the steps regularly. First, I like the effect produced by it. Sometimes I'm experiencing some turmoil in a dialogue that's going on. Sometimes I am in meditation, something says, let's do this. Do it again. Let's do it again, and I give that much more. that much more to give away to anyone who comes across me and says, can you help me? And the people that I'm sponsoring get that and they get new experiences to pass on to their prospects and we see this glorious fellowship growing up right around us. My home group is called the Vision for You Group in Union, New Jersey and what's really has happened in four years is that the sponsor has a prospect who has a suspect and on most Thursday nights we're there at 5 or 5.30 for a 7.30 meeting and we're meeting around the room going through the book. One of the bright spots in my life. So studying the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a nice thing, but it's not going to get me recovered. I'll just acquire some knowledge. You have a lot of professional people who know about our big book. They know the book, therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, medical doctors. great book, tremendous book they've acquired knowledge they haven't had an experience with it though people in Alcoholics Anonymous you hear it, I read the big book and it's still on me I read that big book so many times my question to them is what sort of experience have you had with the bigbook AlcoholicsAnonymous and then they get silent seek experience when I sponsor men I give them if you will assignment, spiritual homework out of the big book. So the big book comes alive for them. Experientially I and them can talk about living in the sunlight of the Spirit. Experientialy they can talk about what it's like having oneness with God. Experiencially they can talk about turning their will and life over to care of God as they understood Him and as they understand Him now. As I understand God now. Experientiously we can talk about prayer and meditation. Now, some of you sitting here may say, what an order I can't go through with it. This sounds a little out there. No, what's really out there is your old way of living, which is with you this morning. And the way to recognize that if right now you're experiencing any resistance to what I'm saying, any uncomfortability, and he, like, hope he finishes up quick because I can't take it anymore. You know? Right? That thing that goes on, that's your illness. Look at it in neon lights because whenever your illness is put in any kind of big book workshop, it's going to look to get out because it knows it's about to die. And what's going to happen is you will experience the death of self before the physical death and it wants no part of that. It knows that it's going to discover truth, experience truth by discovering all the lies we've learned. Can't have that. So it's going to look to get out of here. Oh, he's a big book guy. I'll listen a little bit. When it gets uncomfortable, I'll go for a smoke break. That's the illness. If you want to see your illness in neon lights, watch what happens when someone talks to you about a power greater than yourself or God. Watch when someone talks about a searching, fearless, and moral inventory. Watch when somebody talks to me when someone tells you about making amends. Suddenly we feel sick in here. You're not sick. The illness is dying. When we go through this work there's times where we feel like we're dying. I'm incredibly uncomfortable. It's the death of self. This is a great thing. Make sense? so we get to step three made a decision, just a decision it's incomplete without any kind of action to turn my will and life over to care of God in chapter five it says how it works well what's it? you read all the time how it worked some of them know what they're talking about this new God consciousness how it work and we're going to find that as we go through this work it's really about removal it's about removal subtraction not addition in order to get well when i was first coming in i've heard this many times over the years so many of us talk about that hole in the soul that void i'm empty right and we look to fill up with The relationship we look to fill up with money, jobs, whatever it may be. Go to a gym, get a good tan, got to look good, got to feel good, looking out there, looking for external things to make me well in here, thinking external conditions are a remedy, right? And it works for a little while and we bottom out and we go again and we do that. We go again. We go and we don't know what's going on. And we go and then we go. And what needs to be done in order for us to be filled up, we have to be emptied out in order for us to experience God it's about removal or subtraction, about self when we get the relationship, when we gets the money when we got the little thing that we want the new toy to make us feel good we kind of feel secure we feel okayness within for a little while oh this is good, I got this new job I feel great right now I got these new relationships she's the greatest woman in the world and then you have your first fight. Why do you have a meet-up for? I hate her, you know. She's making me drink. She's a drink trigger for me, you know. I love it, you know, first 90 days of any relationship, smile for me to hear. You're actually euphoric off the relationship six months later coming to the meeting like this. How's Donna? She's still breathing, you know. Denny Don is in here, not you. I'm just making up a name. But there's a difference that happens when we experience God. There's a big difference because we're no longer walking around fearful and insecure, but we've gained a new level of awareness, a new God consciousness, and we feel insecure, inner security, insecure. So rather than feeling insecure, we get insecure. Make sense? Rarely have we seen a person fail. Fail at what? Sobriety, God consciousness. Who has thoroughly followed a path. Which path are we talking about on page 58? What path are мы говорим о? the path of decision in 3 and 4 through 9 it's a path it's direction very simple easy instructions those who do not recover are people who cannot will not completely give themselves to a simple program usually men and women are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves it says there are such infortunes none of us seem to have been born that way They're naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. A manner of life is not just a matter of living. A manner or living, and Step 10 talks about way of living, this demands rigorous honestly. It insists on rigorous honesty, this way of loving. Not when AAs are around, I'm going to show how honest I am, and when AIs aren't around, I'm a liar, a cheater, and a thief because they won't know. See, whether I'm working or whether I'M playing, it all looks the same. Whether I'm in an AA meeting or I'm out on the job Or I'm going to work Or whatever I'm doing, playing with the children It all looks the same Because there is no duality with spirit We get moved from moment to moment So if someone drops a $100 bill On the floor in an EA meeting I say here's your $100 deal Don't I look good? I'm so spiritual right now But when I'm walking through the streets At 11 o'clock at night And someone drops $100 bills I go yes and I pick it up and put it in my pocket no one's going to know rigorous honesty in all my affairs spirit demands that honesty about my condition first and foremost alcoholic or not what's my condition have I not only conceded to my innermost self but took stock of the hopelessness condition of what I suffer from, alcoholism? Do I truly know deep down in here that I have no power, choice, or control and I can't stop it? Rigorous honesty. I'm not just saying it because it sounds good but I'm really saying it because this is my condition. I need help now. It says there are those two who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. We have the capability to be filled with the Spirit of God. i say filled not that we have to acquire the spirit of god but just filled with the spirit of god really what it comes down to is the new god consciousness the awakening that god is with me and the only way that can happen is by removing what's in the way this glass of this cup of coffee if i filled it to the top and poured more coffee you just spill all over if i let the coffee sit here for a few months you wouldn't want to drink it it would get kind of ugly. What I have to do is pour out what's in there and because it has the capacity to be filled, it just needs to be filled with new. And what our book is going to do is remove what's In The Way, steps four through nine. I don't need to go out there and acquire anything. I doesn't even need to out and acquire God. Find God now. A book is not saying go get MapQuest and go find God, right? God is out there and we're off. The great reality is deep down within it's actually God is with me. God is mit you. We're one with God. What needs to be done is have things removed from us and we find God never left. It's been here all the time. There is no duality with us in God. See a lot of our religious beliefs like me told me that God is out there, maybe he is, God is our God. He's out there and I'm down here and if I'm lucky enough I may get to see him one day and if I sin once, if I miss the mark once, oh boy am I in trouble because God's going to sit back and say well let's think about him for a little while, right? So many other spiritual literature including our book doesn't say that, it says that great reality is deep down within, the guy or woman who's drinking under a bridge right now has the Spirit of God in them as much as I have right now. The difference is the awakening. So the drunk walking in the door at your next AA meeting who doesn't look too good, doesn't smell too good could be sponsoring you in a few months. No duality. Oneness with God. That's the path our book's going to take us to. And our book, you know, we talk about it and our book says, you Know, spiritual experience, spiritual awakening, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. When we wake up to that oneness with God, it's profound. Slowly or quickly, it's profoundly life-transforming and you know it. When God shows up, God showsup and youknowit. Whether it happens to you in step nine, It happens to you after a third-step decision. It happens after your fifth step. It happens in 10, 11, and 12. You know it. You've been made new. And everyone else around can experience that. Okay. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. What we usedと be like living life on self-will, what happened to the spiritual experience, and what мы are like нow, living in the sunlight of the Spirit. Are you willing to go to any length to get that? in one of the questions I asked the man I sponsor. Are you willing to go to any length? Even though you don't know what any length looks like. Well, I'll go to any length if it looks this way. None of your business. Are you will to get made new? You wind up wherever you wind up. Are you willing to do that? Guess what? If I've been leveled in step one I'll sign up. it's got to be better than where I currently am. On page 60, it talks about the ABCs, that we're alcoholic and cannot manage our own lives. Am I convinced of that? That probably no human power relieved of our alcoholism. Am I confused? Am I not convinced of what I'm convinced of? No human power is going to relieve me of my alcoholism? am I convinced that no external condition is going to relieve me of my alcoholism and am I willing to seek God all yes or no am I willing yes or not at that point we can move it says the first requirement there's some requirements you know tell us in Alcoholics Anonymous well the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. That's for membership of this fellowship, but in order to get well, there's some things we need to meet. One of the requirements is right here. Am I convinced that my life on self-will can hardly be a success? Answer that question experientially. Based on what got me here how did I do next question most of us take a look at what our book refers to as um these motives you know self-seeking when trying to be kind will be aggressive with people will be really nice to people i'll listen to you i'll loan you things because it's really about feeding me to get a desired result and when those things don't go the way i want i become incredibly angry and resentful at you for not doing what i want because i played a director in every area of my life. Simply, I played God in every area of my life. You know, I need you to say exactly what I want you to say when I say it's time to say it. I need you to behave a certain way. Go into an AA meeting, right? Chop the speaker up in a million pieces because they didn't sound exactly like you wanted them to. No greeters at the door at this meeting? Huh, I'm going to another meeting. And then we gossip about that meeting for a month, right? Because we love the drama We've got to play God in every area of our life. Every area, right? I'm being nice to you because I want a result. I want you to do something I want. I'm getting angry at you because you're angry at me. I'm not being angry with you because I want to result. You know, couples are great at this. I'm in a relationship and I love it. You know this one? Honey, what's wrong? Nothing. Nothing's wrong. You're in a lot of trouble when a woman tells you nothing's wrong, right. Nothing. Nothing, honey. You know? That silence going, you walk around with that face and you want them to know exactly what's going on with you and say, honey, I'm so sorry. I forgive you, you know? I'm looking to get a desired result. I want a result. I want you to do what I want. So I'm going to argue with you. I'm gonna be really nice to you. I'm gong to walk around in silence, scorn. I'm gunna do whatever it takes because it's all really about me. It's not even resolving the conflict. I don't care about that. I just wanna feel good. I don' t care how you feel either. I wanna feel g ood. An alcoholic with a motive ought to be considered armed and dangerous, right? This is how we go through life and wondering why I'm having so many problems in personal relationships. Well, book is about to stop all of that. And most of us balk that we can find an easis off the weight of what a book's offering. I'm just going to try to do 90 and 90 again. And I'm going to get on a soapbox for a minute about 90 and 95. 90 and 99. our early members couldn't do 90 and 90 because there weren't 90 meetings to make in the midwest they had incredibly high recovery rate because chris said it beautifully this morning it was about getting well in a program not making meetings and maybe there's a program or when i'm well i'll get to the program our big book says we had to quit playing god it didn't work and we play god every time we tell a newcomer make 90 meetings in 90 days you know why because somehow we think we know they're going to make 90 days consecutively sober in alcoholics anonymous make a meeting each day stay sober without any kind of god experience you see the arrogance in that statement make 90 and 90 kid The guy can't even make it to midnight. She can't even hold on another day, and some genius is saying, make 90 meetings in 90 days. Let's get them through the day. How about offering them a big book and a solution and say, if you want, you give me spiritual consent, we'll start right now. And today will be the last day you'll ever drink for the rest of your life. 90 meetings in90 days. It's arrogant, it's pompous, it's bad information, it's narrow-minded, and it doesn't served this book well. Guess what? If I have a spiritual experience, I'm not even worried about 90 meetings in 90 days. I'm out on the firing line. I am living life to the fullest as God wants me. 90 meetings and 90 days doesn't even concern me anymore because I am free of drinking. I am three of the thought of drinking and my interest is more what I can do for you. Not I am working on my 90 and holding on to this weight. I see it. I got 88 days which is wonderful. It's precious. It is sacred days. But some of the newcomers are walking around one more day is 90. That's not freedom. And that's what we're telling newcomers. We're playing God with that. Page 62 says selfishness and self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, self pity, we step on others and they retaliate. See if I'm coming from an untreated place thought word indeed is going to reflect that. If I'm coming from un-treated place, I'm not productive, I're not helpful I'm bringing that untreated spirit into your life And sometimes you're going to get angry with me for doing it, and you're gonna retaliate. And I go around telling Pat, you see what they're doing to me? See what they did? Let's gossip about them. Until I take stock of me, and I find out it's because of my untreated, where I was being untreated. I behaved the way I behave. No wonder why you got angry with Me. I would steal from My dad. my dad would still does he always he's an old old old school always have to have money in your pocket you know a lot gotta walk around with a lot of money that was his way justing how dad why you carry so much money you never know just in case we're going to like a deserted island I mean where are you going you know when I was in a group of the grapes I knew he carried lots of money on him. So he would leave his pants over the dresser drawer on the bed and go down for breakfast. And I'd sneak into his bedroom, go into his pants pocket and take out a $20 bill. He had a few hundred, 20, never going to miss it. He didn't miss it so I took out a couple more 20s. My mind said it's okay to do. My untreated place of being said, he's got so much. What's 120? He should be giving it to me. Right? And I would take some money and off I go. And you know what my dad would do? Come down for breakfast and ask me what I was doing for the day. I'd lie. He said, you need any money? You're short on money. You need a couple bucks for the Day. I said, yeah, I'm a little short. I just robbed him. And he'd give me like, you know, 40 bucks, 20 bucks, 100, whatever it was for a day. Or sometimes he'd be in a generous mood, here hold on to this for the week you know. I just stole from him but why would my condition allow me to see truth? It wouldn't. That's how we affect other people. In an awakened place I can never do that. Can't steal. So they retaliate so when they find out we're stealing from them They retaliate. And then we say to ourselves, how can they be mad at me? They have so much anyway. This is how we live our life. Book stops that. Stops it. Don't work anymore. We're going to take stock of us. The unmanageability that we're experiencing is always an internal condition, never an external condition. You hear what I just said? unmanageability is an internal condition, not an external one. And I need to remedy what's going on in here and I will trust you. Having an experience in step one and going through pages 23 to 43, you will become a seeker of God because it's find God or else and we know what the or else looks like. A book says, so our troubles we think of are our own making. We skip down to the bottom of page 62, and this is something I work with. I would read this and take it into meditation, and it really is what The Third Step's about. It says this is the how and why of it. I had to quit playing God. Why do I have to quit paying God? It didn't work. Next, which means right now, I decide that hereafter in this drama of life, God's going to be my director. What does a director do on a movie set? He tells everyone what to do. He's the boss. god is the principle we're his agents tiger woods michael jordan are the principles they hire agents to go out and represent them right they all have these agents they represent these athletes and when you're talking to this athlete's agent you like talking to the agent and the agent represents the principal michael Jordan has an agent he goes out and represents Michael Jordan. We are agents for God. We get to go out and represent God. Мы work for God How's that looking? He's the father, we're his children Love unconditional Most good ideas are simple and this concept eventually become realized was the keystone of new and triumphant arts to which we pass the freedom. When we took this position My book says, less and less I became interested in me and more and more about what I can do for you contribute to life. Less and less, more and More. Less and Less About Me, More and More About You. There's a shift that's happening. Am I willing to live along these lines? Yes, third step prayer. I'm convinced of what the conditions are in step one, the considerations are in Step One. I'm willing to look to this God is going to restore me to sanity in two and I'm willing to follow through with that with a decision in three and live along these spiritual lines. Off and running, let's go. Third step prayer. We do the third step prayer Great assignment for step three, by the way is look at the third-step prayer write it out word for word and then write out your interpretation of the third set prayer what the prayer means to you so it becomes your prayer and what I did was I kneeled down with my sponsor held hands and we did the third stop prayer together and launched immediately into a course of vigorous action. Vigorous action, vigorous. Go to a gym, I work out. Go for a jog, I go jog. I don't go to the gym, sit on the bench and have a cigar and expect to look good. I don' t go down to the track and take the sun. We work at it. Vigorously commence this way of living. on page 64 it says, our decision was a vital life-giving when I do and life-threatening when I don't. And crucial step that could have little permanent effect unless once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in me which are blocking me from God. Am I clear that this is spiritual life or spiritual death? Am I sure that this message is going to be aimed at spirit and not at the thinking mind? because if I'm not, maybe I need to revisit and touch step one again. Am I clear of the conditions in which I was living and the hopeless condition of my alcoholism? Because if I am having a problem turning my will and life over to care of God, I am not having a third step problem. I am have a first step problem see lots of times we won't turn our will and life over to care of God that right now is not tangible that I really can't understand that I'm really having an experience with we're having difficulty doing that sometimes the reason why we're Having Difficulty is because somehow, someway I still think I can do the job myself and when I'm leveled in step one there is no other way to go That's why we don't have a third step problem. We go back to step one. And step three says how we offer ourselves to God, and God's going to do with us what he wants to do. We're going to go to God to be relieved of this bondage of self, whatever the bondage is at that moment. On the way in, it's the obvious, alcohol and all the thinking that's going on. Later on, it isn't so much about the booze that's on us, but it'sthe untreated alcoholism, whatever the current bondageis. we're launched out into the course of vigorous action, and we get to step four. The searching field is a moral inventory of ourselves. This is where rubber hits the road for many of us. Where for the first time in our life, we hold a mirror up to us and not anyone else. The finger-pointing stops. The blame stops. Even though other people were partly to blame. There are people in our lives who have done terrible things to us. We probably all have a story where someone hurt us, did terrible things to us, whether it be a parent, a relative, an employer, a neighbor. Maybe we were walking down the street and got robbed one day, right? We all have that. Our book knows that. God knows that, but our book is telling us, okay, even though other people were to blame, we're going to stop blaming them. We're going to disregard those other people entirely and put the mirror up to me and see where I was at fault in every situation. Step four is going to let me see where i was playing God in every situation. step four is gonna allow me to see how many times i would show up to a relationship secretly demanding that you give me what i don't have on an emotional level and when you didn't i became incredibly angry with you. And I would use sex, I would control, I would power, I would money, whatever it was to get a desired result. It wasn't until I went through step four and found out about my sex life was about control and power. It was about filling up what I was missing. It wasn' t about the relationship. It wasn''t about being with someone I love and sharing that physical intimacy. it was about control and power and I feel so awful about me I need someone else to give me some sort of affirmation it was control andpower big difference between that and having an emotional relationship love with somebody and then expressing that in a physical relationship, it's a big difference my inventory allowed me to see that because I was holding up the mirror to me for the first time and as I start to experience this, I became incredibly disturbed by all of it and at the same time in that wreckage, I start to experience some freedom and the spiritual rings were starting to move and then I would go to my contemporary meetings and hear some of the nonsense going on in our sacred rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous about you're not ready for the fourth step, it's going to get you loaded, don't go near it. And now I would bristle antagonism over that. I just want to talk a few minutes on some mechanics with step four. And I think, too, we finish. Is that the deal? At 2 o'clock, we finished this one? Yes? Okay. Four-column inventory for step four, four-colmn inventory. In the first column goes resentment's the person's name, right? And what we do is this. We pray. what I was asked to do was write a prayer across the top of the page and the prayer went something like this thank you God for allowing me to be searching fearless and moral I didn't have to acquire being searching fearless and oral because God gave me that at birth all those attributes are given to us I have to go find it out there so I thank God for what already is there thank you god for allowing me to search fearless and immoral after that prayer I would go silent and then wait and then pick up the pen and write and I would begin this four column inventory now when we write inventory a lot of things are going to come to us a lot if things that are going to come to us aren't so pleasant we're going to be walking down perhaps some dark alleys and bringing up things we'd rather forget what we need to remember the one who's walking us down the sordid path the one who's bringing up things we'd rather forget is God therefore it's good We went to God and said, Father, I want to get free. And God says, okay, we're going to uncover, discover, and discard the obstacles in your path. I'm going to show you what's in the room that you keep bumping into the same furniture. I'm gonna turn on a light and say, this has to go, and that has to go, and this has to go. Whatever shows up on step four when I'm following directions is God-inspired, and the pen becomes a spiritual translator. It's good. No judgments to what shows up, just right. the sponsor will listen to all of it in step five and move you through that just right don't play God in writing and that's what I would do and the first the first column is about the people I'm angry with says we went back through our lives on page 65 nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty they say there's no such thing as a perfect fourth step well if I'm going to God and I'm following directions from a God-inspired book, then my fourth step is in spirit perfect. Because if it's not, then go argue with God. See, I had a tremendous experience one time. I'm sitting with my sponsor in a friend's house in Staten Island and there was about, I don't know, seven or eight of us there. And this guy who had a forever track record was in serious trouble. And he showed up to the house. We were all hanging out. My sponsor was in town, and we're just reading a book and talking to each other. He showed up. My sponsor starts moving him to work right there that night. In a couple of hours, this guy got to us. We all held hands, a bunch of us, and did the third-step prayer and sat down. In a few hours, the guy was writing inventory, and he wrote seven names in his resentment list. I said, oh, man, that's not good, only seven names. Lord have mercy. This is not good. I'm so worried about him. And my sponsor says, great, let's go with that. Lack of power was his dilemma. He needed power. God gave him only seven names to start with. Okay, that's good. Let's get rid of those seven resentments. We could always revisit the fourth step. We could almost go back. More will be revealed. And the guy walked through a four-column inventory with seven names. Five, six, and seven creates that bliss. He was out making amends the next day. so we don't look to quantity doesn't mean it's good I was I think it was in Maine doing one of these deals and a guy said to me I'm working on my fourth step for 11 months now I got 1500 names I swear to you this poor guy you know he looked like he was in the trenches and he was just beaten up my sponsor said keep writing and I wanted to have a talk with the guy's sponsor see I filled out five spiral notebooks my first time writing but I was writing and then my sponsor said enough we need to sit now so we could you know We think sometimes, I got 2,000 names. I must be really spiritual. No, ego's all over this. How many of that stuff is just redundant and over and over and over again? So as a sponsor, I watch. Are you writing? Good. OK, keep writing. And then there's a time where, OK, I think we've written enough. Let's hear some of this stuff. The same way where my sponsor heard seven names, so that's good. Let's go. So in the first column, we have resentments. So if we went back through our lives, mom, dad, brothers, sisters, whatever it may be, when I revisit the work over and over again, it's my current inventory. What's disturbing me right now? What comes to surface? And sometimes old things show up. First time going through, mom. Resentment, mom, cause, alcoholic. She was alcoholic. Resentament, mom cause, she took her life. Resentement, dad didn't save her. Little things that were going on. Resentment, last two names I put on the list every time is self and God. Resentament, God didn't save mom. Chris and I were talking about this yesterday. One of our, we both had a same teacher and he showed us how rewriting, going through inventory at the end of the day, we find out the first three columns although necessary are nothing but a lie because it really, who I'm angry with is me and God because the names in the first column are going to change. Today it's Joe, tomorrow it's Frank. It's because of me being untreated that I'm angrier with you in the 1st place. Me having expectations, you're going to do something, I'm angering in the 2nd place. In the 2d column, I simply put down why I'm hangry with Joe in the 3rd column. Resentment Joe, cause, did this. Resentament mom, cause? She was alcoholic. I don't have to write, well, I grew up in Brooklyn. Mom was a nice woman. This autobiography stuff, dump it. That's not a fourth step. It's a manifestation of ego. Let me tell you how great I was and how tough it was for me. If you were me, you'd drink too. Inventory column doesn't allow me to do that. Resentment, the person's name, why am I angry? period, end of story. Specific. Resentment, boss, cause. He fired me. I'd been there for 20 years. I've been a really good worker. I got in there early, stayed late. I even gave back sometimes. Well, I don't care about that. Why are you angry with your boss? He fired me, done. Third column. Seven areas of self. Pride, personal relationships, self-esteem, security ambition pocketbook sex relations. Fourth column, where was I at fault? Where was I selfish? Where was I dishonest? Where is I self-seeking? Where was I frightened? Takes one sentence to write that out. This is where we really need God because ego is screaming let's justify the resentment. Let's find out where they were at fault and right before we go to break I'll just share this with you. When we write out inventory and when we're writing out names and we get to the fourth column, there's going to be times where we simply find out where we were at fault was that we've been hating the person forever. Maybe I didn't do anything really bad to them. Maybe they harmed me. Growing up as a little guy, I had a distant relative who did things to me that he should have been locked up for as a Little Boy. I'm writing inventory. My book says, where was I at fault. I call up my sponsor. I says, are they kidding me? I was eight. My sponsor says, how long have you been hating this man? I says forever. And now that I'm bigger and a lot stronger, I like to get my hands around his throat. He says, that's where you're at fault This is one of your any lines. No one's asking you to love. No one asks you to have a relationship. But you need to get rid, just rid of the hate. That's what's killing you. That was one of my any lines what an order I can't go through with it all things are possible with God and somehow someway I was able to put that on paper in step five share with my sponsor and my sponsor related the same exact events that happened to him suddenly I wasn't unique but I was one with another person free enough to share that at some of these workshops when I get it to share and not feeling any shame or guilt about it remorse or anger about it it is what it is and I accept the is-ness of me and my life. That's freedom. That's what this work allows us to do. So if you have some of those things, God gave it to you, put it on paper. Find out where I'm at fault. Very simple stuff. We'll take a break and we'll do five through seven. Thanks.