Craving and Obsession – Step Study – Part 4 of 4 – Scott R.

My name's Scott Redman. I'm an alcoholic, and you sure haven't heard me enough today. That was so funny when you said 22 years, and I was just off in my land, and these faces kind of swung around me, which has never happened, and I thought I should have just looked at you and said, I drank at dinner. but then I would have won and congratulations on winning the contest I hope you never win again it is like being voted most attractive man on your cell block I've been at conferences where guys get really excited about having the least amount of time which I always think is kind of I'm closer to death than anybody here And they're giving me a book. But I'm really glad you're here. I'm real glad you'RE here. My hope for anybody who's new is that they, on some level, start to understand the enormity of the opportunity that's been afforded you. Because if you're new and you're not drinking, if you'RE taking the whooping and you'RE not drinking. If you'RE actually accepting your alcoholism and you'Re not treating it with a drink. because if the craving comes up and I drink, I'm treating my alcoholism with a drink. And it works. Unfortunately, it kills me, but it does work. And if you're not drinking, then you've made the decision on some level to stop treating your own alcoholism. And what I'm doing, in fact, I call it the serenity prayer for alcohol. I'm stopping. I'm accepting the fact that I've got a craving and I'm expecting the craving without treating it. I'm not treating it with a drank. I'm saying, Pop, I'm having a craving. I'm going to accept the craving, and I'm going to take the whooping in hopes that this obsession gets removed. But the obsession can't possibly get removed if I won't accept the craving. And if you're new and you're not drinking, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. The not drinking part is a moose. If it was not for the not drinking part, we would be a much, much bigger organization. There's no question about it. We just would. It's this damn not drinking thing. You know, it screws a lot of people up. There would not be an empty seat in this room if it wasn't for the non-drinking thing, you know? It's like a lot things. A lot of things. A lot people want the deal in AA, but it's the non drinking thing that continues on. If you're a drug addict, I'd like to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. If you are a dope fiend, which is somehow worse than any of us, I would like to welcome you to AA. And if you're a crack monster or that scary crack monster, I'd like to welcome all the tweakers, if there are any tweakers here. Love you guys. They stay real quick for a long time. Every part of their face is moving in a different direction. I love you guys. It's spook-easy, too, tweakers. If you've ever licked all the features off your own face, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. If you've never masturbated until you're dehydrated, welcome I'd apologize for that, but I'm not sorry. I'm not making funny. I'm coming real close, but I'm not making funny. I'll tell you why I'm really not making funny I don't care what you got I don'T care if you're the big foot of dope addicts If you're a dope Goliath If you're a dope Olympian, I just don't care. Just catch alcoholism. We'd love to give it to you. And I caught alcoholism in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I did not have alcoholism when I came to AA for a lot of reasons. Number one, I'm Jewish and Jews don't drink. They just don'T because it might dull the pain. You don't want to squander any agony opportunity And in addition to the Judaism I couldn't possibly have been alcoholic Because I had been in psychotherapy for 18 years And as I said today I was going to be dead But I was gonna understand it I have no beef with therapy It says on page 133 of our book If you need a doctor, go get one Boy, I wonder what that means That's really, that's mystical. If you need a doctor, go get one, you know, if you have mental disease. It's an interesting thing. We, one of the, a problem in our society, I believe one of our problems is a lot of therapy, the model for a lotof therapy has swung to behavioral therapy and behavioral modification through medication. It's just true. This is not something I'll make it up. It'sjust true. And because medication is prescribed so much, there's so much of it, I have found as a sponsor, because I don't tell people what to take and what not to take, I have no malpractice insurance at all. And if I get some, maybe I'll start doing that, but I don' t have any, you know? But a lot of it's pretty clear to me. If you're taking drugs that affect the central nervous system, valium, thorazine, that kind of stuff, that's like pouring honey on your senses. And there's a problem being sober when you're taking stuff that affects your central nervous system, you know? If you're talking about pain killers because you think eventually you might be in pain and you're planning on being in pain at a certain date and you figure you'll just ramp up for the sucker, that's a problema. I've got to tell you this story. I was talking to Brent before. I have alcoholic thinking. No, really. And it's a terrible thing. And I still have this kind of thinking. It's why I do more in AA at 22 years than I ever did before. I've been hanging out with people who do when things get good, they do more. When things get bad, they just do more, you know? Because without it, my alcoholism will go below the horizon and I will act without reason and without sense. And untreated, I will do that today. So I was 19 years sober, and I had to get this biopsy. They were going to put a six-inch needle in my side. And I said, what? And the doctor said, well, you know, we'll give you something to relax you. I said good, you now. My sponsor had told me, he said if I get hit by a truck, do not read me the 12 and 12. Get me some dope. That's what God made it for. We'll read spiritual literature after I've stopped foaming at the mouth from being hit by the truck, you know so at any rate um i talked to my sponsor told him about the biopsy this that they're going to relax me he said fine we're good because i don't put a pill in my mouth or don't go through anything without committing it to my spiritual advisor just don't do it i don'T DO ANY OF THIS ALONE AND I UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE GO OUT WHEN THEY DO THIS BY THEMSELVES YOU KNOW I I JUST And I don't put a pill in my mouth without someone else involved. And I do not take drugs because I think I am going to feel a certain way at some other time. At any rate, so I go to – it is an outpatient thing. This was about three years ago. I am 19 years sober. And I check in. I said, the lady, you know, I was told that I was going to get relaxed. And she said, well, you knows, they do it in there. So I go in there and they take my clothes. And I said, I was, you know, do you do the relaxing thing? Because I was told I was going to relax. And she said, no, but they'll be in. So a guy comes in and puts a line in my arm, and I figure this is obviously the moment of relaxation. And I sad, you now, by the way, I was told that I was gonna get relaxed. And the guy says, well, they do that downstairs. So I go downstairs, and they put me on this table, and I said we'll move this way, move that way. I said I'm not moving anyway. All right, I wasn't told that I was going to get relaxed. I am not relaxed in any way, shape, or form. And I have been promised relaxation. I'm not relaxed. And nobody's putting six inches worth of needle in me unless I am really relaxed. So there's a lot of eye rolling, you know, which I don't like. I don' t like the eye rolling. When you're on the business end of it, I don''t mind rolling my eyes, but I don ''t like the eyerolling, you kno? And they go get the doctor. The doctor comes in, and I go, you know. And he says, I can't give you anything. If I give you, you have to react, respond. When I have that needle in you, you've got a breather, I can nick one of your vital organs. I said, 11 people have told me I'm going to get relaxed. What the hell are you talking about? He said, well, I'll tell you why they said that to you. I said why? He said because you look insane. And he said, No one's been willing to say no to you, you know. They're too busy. They've got stuff to do. So they're just going, send the big Jew down there, you know, let them worry. Let someone down there put up with what the hell is going to happen when someone says no to this guy. So at any rate, three weeks ago I get told that I'm going to get this same deal. And so I already know what's going to happen. and my doctor tells me can I call the doctor who's going to do this because I've just got to tell him I'm afraid and it's incredibly painful it's not like I shouldn't have been relaxed it was one of the most painful things it was like getting shot in the side so I called the doctor up and I'm on the phone with him and I said, you know, look I know you can't give me narcotics and he said, of course I can I said what? He said, yeah, I'll give you something to relax you. And I said, you've got to be kidding me. So at any rate, things have come full circle. So I committed to Brent. I'm going to have this thing at 730 Monday morning. I've committed to Trent. I'm not going to show up at 6 o'clock seeing if I can get some early relaxation. Then maybe by the time they do it, they'll have to do it again. At any rate. I won't be doing that. I had this surgery two and a half years ago where they did this incredibly invasive surgery on my back. And I know enough people who have taken Vicodin and gone out to know that I need to be extremely vigilant and alarmed about this stuff, and I also know thatI don't need tobe in mind-boggling pain. So I had a guy counting my pills, a guy looking over my pills. two guys who took calls from me during the day anytime I needed to take a pill, and I talked about every one of them that I took. And I got through it just fine. And I'm really glad I took those pills. They drilled four and a half inches down into my vertebrae and put a bunch of screws and stuff. It was really funny when I went in, and I'm 20 years sober at this time, and this doctor puts my, I had been in a lot of pain for a long period of time and I go to this doctor and this heavily accented Russian woman takes a picture of my spine and she puts it in a box and she's looking at my picture and she goes, oh no. I said, oh, no? What do you mean, oh know? She said, no disc. Disc gone. Gone. No disc. I said, how does such a thing happen? She said... Bad luck? Bad luck?! At any rate, I go inside. The guy says, you're on the brink of losing use of your legs and having kidney failure. And what we're going to do is we're gonna open you up from the front, move your vital organs aside. We'll have a cardiologist there to make sure that you don't die. And we're going to work directly into the spine, do a triple fusion, get some cadaver cartilage. And by now I'm going la-la-la, la-na-na. I can't imagine you're in any of this stuff. My name's Scott and I'm an alcoholic. And I just got – I'm a little punchy and I got lost in surgeryville. I was brought up in the Bronx in New York City to a crazy family. My wife never believed me about my family until she met them. and my mom threw an engagement party for us and my Aunt Rose came and wore her wig backwards and it had a bun on it. And I wish I was lying about this because I'm from a long line of morons and these are my people, this is my genetic pool so there's not a lot of good news here and if you got anything for free in my family it meant it was stolen and I had an uncle who was a welder at the Brooklyn Navy Yard and he used to get free bales of steel wool. You know, like here's your paycheck and your complimentary bale of steel Wool. And his wife took a decorating course and made throw pillows and filled all of them with the free steel wool after. It's like the Adams family. I mean, it's just, you know, they're cutting the blossoms off roses. These people are insane. After a while, that stuff works its way through on you. So when you at their house, if you looked at the room, everybody was moving a little bit the whole room was like a living pulsing breathing organism they were psycho there was chronic institutionalization and suicide attempts and mental and physical abuse and if you're new here all I've got is good news for you because my family had nothing to do with making me an alcoholic because if they had then I'd be in pretty damn good shape because I had good therapy for all those years and I could have worked out my family problems in therapy and I'd been able to drink but my problem is way worse than that you know and um i'm not telling you uh my family didn't make me an alcoholic because i have a mental obsession coupled with a physical allergy that makes it impossible for me to stop and i developed this horrible spiritual cancer that almost killed me that completely baffled me completely befuddled me and cut me out from the society of other people. I'm not saying that my family didn't injure me, I was terribly injured as a kid and I'm telling you I haven't had to do a bunch of stuff because of that and I have. One of the things that happens to me when I sponsor a guy and he's on psychotropic drugs, I mean psychotropic drugs meaning drugs that are not affecting your central nervous system, they're affecting your adrenal system, Zoloft, Lanoquan, Paxil. There's a whole bunch of them. Well, Buterin. Tons of them One of the things that I love to ask you guys What is your diagnosis? Do you have mental disease? Most of them don't have a diagnosis They've just been prescribed these drugs I think that's a shame I think it's a shameful thing To be prescribed a drug That alters your psyche so much And without I think its criminal To tell you the truth Now, if you've got depression, well, I've got depression. A lot of people have depression. If you have bipolar disease, if you have serious pathology, if you're schizoid, if you're any number of things, you have real mental disease and that should be treated by all means. Now, I have sponsored men who have gotten off these drugs. But one of the really interesting things again is what is your diagnosis? And when a guy says my diagnosis is, well, that's great. That's great information. I am telling you, it's a fraction of the men that I've dealt with actually have a diagnosis. And the ones that do have a diagnosis, they really need to be on these drugs. I have men I sponsor who I don't know where they would be if they weren't treating their mental illness. They certainly wouldn't be in AA helping other people. That is for damn sure. And again, I have no malpractice insurance at all so i was uh terribly injured it's funny right before i got sober i went to a psychiatrist and he said uh i want to get you on some drugs and i said you know what actually i'm okay on drugs got lots of drugs matter of fact would you like some drugs because i got drugs up the wazoo here i was kind of thinking i'd get i take i told my therapist i wanted to take less drugs which i think is just hysterical i would like to take less drugs. Can you imagine somebody actually helping you do that? Let's cut your heroin intake in half. Let's just knock half the heroin off. How much heroin are you taking every week? Let us try to cut that down. At any rate, I started drinking at a really young age and I have the allergy and I got it bad and it started really early. I tried to get into a gang when I was a kid. I failed gang. I was hanging out with some kids. In those days, and for those of you as ancient as me, you'll recall there. Chevy Biscaynes and Fairlings used to have an ignition on the column that said off, on, and lock. So I was being brought into this group of brilliant young men who were stealing cars and having demo derbies. Really upward movement in this group. This is really a bunch of geniuses. Stealing cars, just smashing them into each other. And there's a ring of guys around me. This guy George is bringing me into the group. He said, look, if the car's on knock out the fly window, this is when there were fly windows, get into the car and if it's on off, put your house key in the car and turn it on and drive away. You could do that. He said, if it is on lock, shine it and get another car. I looked around the circle. I kind of wanted to make my bones and I said what if it was on on? He said then someone is in the car you moron. I failed gang 101. And there was a hippie recruiting station across the street, and there was no paperwork at all. They let me in. There were just no questions at all, and I didn't want to be an alcoholic, and I overcame my alcohol problem with marijuana. I'd like to welcome all the pot smokers here tonight. You remember WOW, right? Wow. Wow. Wow. And right after wow usually came what? What? Wow. What? What, wow, what, what? Watching a pot smoker is like watching a dog try to run on linoleum. There's like a lot of activity but no movement at all. They just can't get a claw in the rug, you know, they just can do it. I overcame that pot problem with pills, and I kicked that pill problem with cocaine. Cocaine is an excellent drug. It's particularly good for sex if you enjoy sex from the Neolithic period. And I over came that gall darn cocaine with heroin. Heroin is a very dark, complicated artistic drug. Then you cross the line and become a vomiting pig. And alcohol was on the table every day. My friend Carl M says this thing that I just love, and he talks, it's about talking about drugs in AA. He says, why don't we go to a speaker meeting where a guy says, well, I was imprisoned. I was in prison. I Was sodomized by men. I sodomize other men. And now I'm sorry, but I'm going to talk about drugs. It's just, it's very funny to me. But at any rate, I was in a cycle where I was using intravenous drugs and I talked about it this afternoon. My father had a massive heart attack and I was taken to the hospital and I couldn't show up for my old man that night that he died And it was just one of those horrible nights where I got it. I got how bad it was. I got what a pig, what an animal I had become. And I couldn't fit the pain in my head. I couldnít bear it. I couldníôt show up for him. I couldníd even go give him a kiss, you know. And I had to do some really fast work in my hand because I couldnís be that guy. I couldn't be the animal who couldn't be there for his dad and I came up with it quick it was needles and heroin and all I had to do is never put a needle in my arm again and I wouldn't be that guy I'll be another guy but I wouldn t be that guy and I didn't know for 13 years didn't touch the stuff and shortly after that I was acting in a Broadway play in New York I got to do some really incredible stuff a time I never got to do any of it more than once because when I'd leave they'd move the business so I I couldn't find it again, you know. And this new usherette with long brown hair walked in. I took one look at her and walked into the dressing room of this play and got up on a chair and said, if anybody talks to the new ushrette with Long Brown Hair, I'll break all the bones in your hands and feet. And we started a life together. We hadn't even talked. And we had a great time, great time in New York. Early 20s, acting on Broadway. We just had a fantastic time. We didn't know that we were just a couple of dogs trying to run on linoleum. And Nancy got very ill from prolonged exposure to me. We had these 32-ounce iced tea tumblers in the house, and I came home one night and I popped a cork on a bottle of wine and emptied the entire bottle of wine into this cup. and I turn around and my wife's giving me her pre-Al-Anon rat face. And I said, what? And she said, what are you doing? And I looked at her in the eye and I said I'm having a glass of wine. Can't a man have a glass of wine in his own home? I was having a beaker of wine is what I was saying having a vino big gulp and the alcoholic life becomes the only normal one our beautiful son Micah was born and we were surrounded by friends and family and got a ton of phone calls he was really welcomed into our community and just two years and nine months after that When our son Jesse was born, nobody came to the hospital. There were no phone calls, no flowers. We had become completely isolated by the disease of alcoholism. And it wasn't because people didn't love us. It just hurt too much to be around us. We pressed ourselves on the people that loved us like a thumb upon a bruise. And that night, Jesse was sick. He had transitive tachypnea of the heart and wound up in neonatal intensive care. and I got a call from the hospital that night, and this doctor who I'd never met before said her wife's all alone. Now you guys know, you might know, there's no better way to be in a hospital than at the maternity ward when things are okay. It's a wonderful place, a lot of warmth, a whole lot of celebration. People are really being invited into their community. There's a sense of family. I'm not saying as a rule, but in general, you know. And there's not many places worse than when you've got a life that's like a tiny little awfully painful paper cut. And this doctor said, your wife's in psychological duress. Your baby's sick. There's no one here. Where are you? And I said, you know what? I can't find anybody to watch my two-year-old son. Michael was 2'9 at the time. And this Doctor who I had never met before said something pretty remarkable to me. She said, You know what?" And this is a big metropolitan hospital. She said, my husband's home. I'll give him my address and my phone number. You can take your son to my house, and my husband will watch him so you can come down here. And I said no. I couldn't. I had no tools to accept this woman's generosity. That's how thick the ice around my heart had become. It was the terrible night my son was born. Wow, what a thing to say. And it's the truth. It was the terrible night my son was born. It was part of my terrible days. And little were we to know from that awful night that it was going to continue for three more years. Bill talks about it so beautifully in his story. You know, he talks about stealing from his wife's purse when she comes home, being too much of a coward to swallow poison, dragging his mattress down to the bottom floor with this brown stone so he wouldn't pitch himself out the window. And he says, a little were we to know it was going to continue for X more years. You think you hit it, you think you're sucking the steely bottom of your life and you just take a shovel out. A little were were we didn't know it would continue for three more years By the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous on April 22nd, 1985 our sons were six and three my wife was a tongue-chewing babbling idiot from prolonged exposure to me I was dying, my careers in show business were gone and um a couple of years before i got sober michael was four or five years old and he came to me we had this christian family move next to us and their son used to talk about god in just a lovely way in that lovely way a familiar way god was part of this kid's life people talked about god in this kid home he had a relationship a very open free relaxed relationship talking about uh you know talking about God. And my son Micah came to me at about five, and he said, Dad, is there anything such as God? And I looked into the eyes of my perfect baby boy, and I said, no. He should have been taken from me. I don't think there's any higher form of child abuse. I never laid a hand on him that I can remember. I know I crippled my kids pretty good. I thought I was saving him some skin so you wouldn't have to be played like a sap or a sucker by those yo-yos out there. I gave them the real existential party line, something every five-year-old is famished for. And I lied to them. I liedto them. I stood in the presence of all this immutable law, all this poetry underlying everything, and I said, no, no. No. No. Even worse than that, I told a baby, in essence, you know when it's dark and you're terrified and you can't go to sleep? Tough, because that's all there is. That's really the message. That's the horrible message. This crazy idea that I'm separate. Crazy idea. And if I don't find it, and that's my ego, if I Don't Make Sure I'm Separate, I'm going to get annihilated. I'm Going to Get Sucked Up. I'm Gonna Disappear. I'm Not Going To Be Part Of. I'm not Going To be Part Of The Connective Tissue. You know, I was talking about fellowship before. And to me, fellowship is the freedom to move in and out of contact with my brothers and my sisters with a sense of freedom, no attachment, no craving, and wearing it like a loosely fitting garment and being able to move into that relationship. In and out if that, almost effortlessly, because it's not about us. It's not personality. The love is not personality specific. It can't be, you know. And on April 22nd, 1985, I crossed the line I swear I would never cross again. I put a needle in my arm and my world came crashing down around me. Now, I want to tell you that's a mystery to me because many other days I just would have made it okay to put a needling in my arms again. I just want to move the whole world. I used to sponsor this guy I sponsored him for about 15 minutes and he he was married he was a male prostitute and he had a gay lover and he called me to tell me he drank and I said why and he said I caught my wife cheating on me he was a male prostitue he had a gay lover and he drank because his wife cheated on him. Now, unfortunately, I understand that. And what I mean by that, you've got to move the whole world to make that happen. You've got a cut and paste reality. You've gotta move the WHOLE WORLD to somehow in that landscape. So I understand why was it not okay for me to pick up the needle again? It's a mystery to me. An absolute mystery to me. But my world came crashing down around me. I called my therapist of record in my 18th year of psychotherapy, and I told him what I had done. And he said to me, I didn't know it at the time, but he said virtually the exact same thing that Carl Jung told a guy named Roland Hazard. He was an American millionaire who was dying from alcoholism. His family had the wherewithal to send him to Switzerland to be analyzed by one of the Fathers of modern psychology, Carl Jung. That's a pretty great prescription to get, you know? And Jung analyzed the guy, and the guy drank right after. And when Roland Hazard came back to Jung, devastated that this happened, Jung said, you Know, the only thing I can suggest is we institutionalize you or you hire a bodyguard. You know, that's all we can do. And Jung said, is there nothing else? And Hazard said, is there nothing else. And Jung said, you know, there have been examples of alcoholics of your description having spiritual rearrangements. Jung had an idea called the collective consciousness. We call it the group conscience as God presents in the group conscience. Jung called it the collective conscience. He had such a beautiful Jungian therapist. Many of them have a beautiful idea about a spiritual community. And And Jung said to this guy, I've been trying to bring about such a change in you and I failed. And Hazard said, well, you know, I'm in my church. It will be okay. And again, Jung said, I wish that that was enough. I'm really talking about a rearrangement. And Roland Hazard went out and got himself a spiritual rearrangement in a group called the Oxford Group. Carried the message to the guy who 12-stepped Bill Wilson. So it was a direct line from Carl Jung. I didn't know that at the time, but at the time my therapist said, there's absolutely nothing that can be done for you. And I said, what? He said, I can't help you. The only thing I can suggest is you attend a meeting of a narcotics anonymous. Well, first he said, the only thing I kan suggest is that we institutionalize you. Now on most other days I'm good for the institution. That's fine with me. That' better than dental surgery. That's an uninterrupted source of narcotics for a period of time. I'm gud with that. We're gud all day and all night with that And then he said the thing that Jung couldn't say. He said, or you attend a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous. Now why I went to the AA meeting, I couldn't tell you. I absolutely couldn't talk about it. But I went there. And I went into this meeting in a deep San Fernando Valley in a group called Unit A and I took one step into the room and I looked around and I said, Oh, my God. How did I wind up in Alcoholics Anonymous? Alcoholics Anonymous. How lame is this? This is beyond lame. This is beyond church beyond synagogue. This has some plateau of lameness I never even imagined was available to me. Alcoholics Anonymous and the room looked like it was like the product of 200 years of inbreeding to me, I mean, it just there were like identical twins carving their initials on each other's feet in the back of the room or so it seemed to me and everything was a miracle i'm a miracle you're a miracle it's a miracle big miracle oh the furniture the coffee's a miracles it's just a miracle miracle miracle and i'm waiting for the jew hunt to break out you know i know that's gonna start come on hymie strap these antlers on always wanted to run a big buck jew Then the AA unsolicited advice guy, he got me at the end of the meeting. You know him. He's wearing a belt buckle large enough to serve an entire fish on. Do I want what you've got? No, no. But thanks for spitting on me. I really appreciate it. Thanks, Clyde. I'll come back next week. We'll hook a rug, you know. Do I bring my own bib overalls or am I issued a pair? Let's just die. Let's just die right now. I hated everything about that man. My skin crawls. I felt my DNA unraveling. I just couldn't believe it, you know? Now, I went back to that group every morning for a year because I was out of plans. I just was outofplans. If you're new here, I pray for you that you're outof plans. If you have a plan, it's probably a beaut. Don't use your plan. Grab one of us after the meeting and tell us your plan We want to know the plan My favorite newcomer plan And it's the single most utilized plan that I've seen in all this time Is the one more dope deal to set myself up financially for sobriety plan? That's out there. That's going to wind up on the soft literature rack eventually. That sucker's out there. Gets a little more popular, the closer you get to Lee Trevino Boulevard, I think. It's good. What town is that in again? Thank you. El Paso. When I shared that in El Pasо, a lot of people looked at their feet when I talked about the one more dope deal to set yourself up financially for sobriety. And I was out of plans. I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous. My wife reached out to the Al-Anon family groups and got a sponsor named Ruby, who's a gorgeous, adorable woman who I adore. And it's still Nancy's sponsor, and I love this woman more, I can tell you. She never did anything but love me. We used to go to their house, andI'd just be radioactive. I felt like there was no skin on me, and I'd look around this house with all these people bringing food and having fun. You know the house. If you've been to that house, you know that house. And I'd stand there and think, you Know, this is so – I'm so happy for them. You know, but we're just too busted up. We had these crazy rules for our kids. You know they couldn't eat sugar, cuss, or watch TV. So my wife would give them a good health food breakfast and put them in the car with me, Dr. Death, you now. hope you live you've had your granola you're ready for your adventure now with psycho dad who is either drunk planning on getting drunk hungover or pissed off that he's not drunk one of the four there's not a lot more colors on the palette and Nancy would take him over to Ruby and Ruby would give him a big bowl of M&M's turn on the TV, put on the love boat And I'm going to cuss twice. I apologize in advance. And Ruby would say, boys, if you say thanks, you get more shit. Wow, chocolate TV and cursing. This is like it doesn't get any better than this. This is fantastic. Because, you know, you've got a lot of rules. When you can't control the central piece, you try to put lipstick on the pig. You try to control the rest of the deal, you Know? And Ruby's husband, Milton, who at the time I think was seven years sober. He's at over 30 years now. And Milton called the boys over when they were little boys. And I want to tell you, my son Jesse is 25. My wife asked him for some a couple months ago, and he said, You know, Mom, if you say thanks, you get more shoes? And Milton had the boy. He motioned him over. This was my last cuss. and he bent down and he whispered to them boys your parents don't know shit and the kids went oh my god we've suspected but now it's been confirmed this is like fantastic and there's more cursing in chocolate this is so great they love going to Ruby's house one time Micah was eating chocolate and watching TV and he said Nancy I love this program It's just wonderful, wonderful. We needed to be lightened up. We were flat and gray and wooden. We needed you to pry our jaws open and breathe some life into us. And we made a beginning. You guys said don't get involved in your first year, and we didn't. We stayed the hell away from each other. I had nothing to bring to my marriage at all. I either screamed until she shut up or I cried until she showed up. I like to loom. I'm a loomer. I'm big. I like the loom with a light behind me so I get her in a shadow. I've always liked that. It's like total eclipse of the Jew if I get right in the pocket there. That's the Scott Redman Relationships Workshop right there. Scream, cry, loom, there you go. Talk to her until she changes her mind. That's it. Just talk to her until her eyes roll back in her head, and she keels over. And on the way down, she goes, oh, okay, and then just falls over. That's my communication skills at that time. I'm not trying to bring anything to the deal. I'm very sick. And I stuck around for six months, and I knew I was going to drink because I had seen the drill hundreds of times in just six months. People came in and changed and did the work. People came and didn't change, didn't do the work, got sick, got sicker, got to the podium, shared their gift with us, shared their house right out the door, or just stayed here and became columns of human sewage and sexual predators, although I judge no man. But you know that because I've said it so many times today. And I knew I was going to drink. And my kids had become less frightened of me. And one of the horrible things I remembered was some months before I got sober, I was hung over and I was with my older son who was six at the time And I got sick in front of him from being hung over And my son saw me get sick and it made him sick And he got sick And the horrible was just again One of those moments where I got it Where I stood still long enough To appreciate the horror Of what had happened My son got sick not because he had eaten bad food Not because he has the flu It's because he was with me He was with his father And that was the only reason that he got sick. And I don't know that it taught me anything, but I know that it created a window of opportunity for me, you know? And I asked a guy to sponsor me. Good guy. Really great guy. Still is a great guy and he made sure I'd done some reading from the big book of AA and he invited me to his house and he read me chapter five and on the way through it took me through the first two steps. We read step three and said a prayer on our knees and they went back and he gave me instructions on how to afford step in the big book of AA. And I will tell you that I stopped feeling like I was stealing someone's chair here. Anytime I'm at a step study and somebody shares and they say, well, I've never worked this step, but I always wonder, but what? What exactly are you going to be talking about? It's about this step. You've already told us you haven't worked the step, but at any rate, because of my non-judgmentalist, it doesn't bother me at all. So it's a problem for lesser developed spiritual people. At any rate I was working the steps so I actually could participate, felt part of the conversation and the reading took on new meaning for me because it was backed up by practical experience. You know, it's that old thing you hear in a thousand meetings. And for me, it has been so true. I read the big book after having certain experiences, and all of a sudden they change the book. You know, there's all this stuff that leaps out of me because if there was ever a non-intellectual pursuit, it's Alcoholics Anonymous. If there was never a hands-on treatment based on personal experience, it's alcoholics anonymous. I've never seen anything like it, you know, certainly in no other medical treatment that I've ever seen in my life. And I did my inventory in three months. So when I read it to my sponsor, I did step six and seven, which I got such a so enjoyed talking about this afternoon about how it's really become the fulcrum for my working, breathing, developing relationship with my higher power. And I wrote up my step list and I didn't know what the hell I was going to do about it. My kids are down there. My dad was down there and I Didn't know What the heck I was gonna do about It and I Didn't have a sponsor who was gonna tell me and he said just do your job at AA. And as I told you, my boys were really busted up. And I had to do some really embarrassing stuff I didn't want to do. I had go into their school and advocate for them. It was really embarrassing because they were in bad shape. And sometimes my sons were and are extremely intelligent, and they tested way – their IQ is just way up there. And for some teachers it's very disheartening and very frustrating because they were so sick that some of the teachers, a few of the teachers, were angry at my sons for squandering a gift that they felt that if some other kids who tried real hard but who didn't have the capability, that it was being wasted on my sons. That if it was in the hands of these other kids, who found themselves wanting with intelligence, but had the industry. You know, one teacher said, I just want to shake them. I just won't grab them and shake them, and I said to her, you know what? we're all shook. We need help. Can you help us? My sons are really sick because they've been living with me, and I've been really sick, and we are making a beginning. Can you help us?" And not one time did anyone say no. I mean there were teachers who were difficult and angry at my kids and not interested in helping, but the institution helped, and they said absolutely. We'll test the boys. The boys got tested, and they needed help. It was for real. Their small motor stuff was messed up. They couldn't put together small tasks, and there was nothing organically wrong with them. They were scared all the time. This fear was so disruptive that they couldn't even put small tasks together after a while. And I didn't know. I hadn't read our literature. I didn' t read about the warped lives of blameless wives and children. And if you don' t think that you've affected anybody in your alcoholism? Maybe you drank in a cave. Maybe you drink in a Ziploc bag, I don't know. I didn't. I unfortunately was in contact with a lot of people. And they got special ed and the special ed teachers said well let's get them into music, let's him into sports, let's see if some of the big motor stuff will shake down and impact some of the small motor stuff. And Jesse wanted to play drums. And I didn't have any money. Drums cost a lot of money. But my kid said he wanted to play drums, and I went to the music store, and I bought him a drum pad. A drum pad is a piece of wood with a piece of rubber on it and a couple of sticks. My kid had expressed a desire to do something, and I backed him up. Just with a couple of booze bucks. That's all I had. and I went back to my home group and I told the guys what I had done for the same reason if you've got that kind of home group, you would too. I wasn't bragging they were really interested in my family they were rooting for us they wanted to know they were interested in us and I was really proud of myself I spent a couple of dope dollars to get my kids into Little League we had become uncivilized We tried to do that a couple of times, but you've got to drive the kid and pay attention and get places on time. And we ran out of gas, so get them into the Little League. The first game I went to, my wife comes to the game and she looks over in the stands, there's everybody in the stand and there's me alone in the sun going just insane, just going up and down two hat sizes. I've got a vein on my forehead pumping like a garden hose. I'm here, I'm doing my job. I'm her, I' m here. The kids are thrilled. They're looking and going, Mr. Redmond is going to blow up. Look at that. That's unbelievable. And you know what? It took me a couple of years until the voices diminished in volume and number until I just got to go sit in the stands with the people just to be at my sobriety station, just to go and sit down and be atmy sobrietestation. And a couple years after I did that, My son, Jesse, received one of the great compliments a human being can receive, I believe, on this planet. He was intentionally walked. Now, if you're a fan, you know that that means that they're scared of you and they want to get to the weenie behind you. And he didn't want to jump up and down and be a geek. He just laid down his bat. He trotted up the first baseline. And on the way up the First Baseline, he looked at me and he just shot me just a little bit of stuff. It's the old man. You don't want to be lame. Don't spoil him, you know. And I could have missed the whole thing. I'm not telling you that my son Jesse got intentionally a walk because I'm sober. I'm telling you I was at the game because I was sober. And I've been with enough guys who have been drunk on their kid's birthday again, and I tell them about the day my son got walked because I wasn't sober. I was there. I was lucky enough to be there. I could Have Been had to work too, but I was luckily enough to be there at my sobriety stage. And I told the guys in the group that I got Jesse this drum pad, and there were a lot of burnout drummers in our group at that time. And like within three months, the AA drum set showed up at our house. And they're like, these guys showing up with these Megadeth drums, you know. Dude. And Jesse had a drum set that when he sat behind, he disappeared. You couldn't even see him. You hear this little voice going, one, two, three. Gigantic drum set. And Micah, same thing happened with Micah around keyboards and stuff like that. And some years ago I got to go to the House of Blues on the Sunset Strip in L.A. and see my kids burn the dump down. Just walk out on the stage of the House of Blues in the heart of Hollywood, playing to this packed room, eight, nine hundred kids playing hip-hop music elbow to elbow and burnt the dump down. And over to the side there's this group of middle-aged weeping alcoholics. The kids are kind of going what is with the crying old people? That is kind of creepy. You know, and they look like they've been around the block a few times too. It's a little odd. And that's their AA and Al-Anon aunts and uncles that have been following them around. At that time it was for about 17 years. I was about a year sober. I started sponsoring a guy named Roland. I still sponsor him. I've sponsored him for 21 years. And he used to call our house every night, and he'd leave a message on our machine. He'd say, Scott, it's Roland. I'm sober. I love you. Good night. And he'd hang up. And about five years later, my son Micah came to me, and they said, You know, Dad, I should tell you that when I was a little boy, I couldn't fall asleep until I heard Roland's voice on the machine. And this was the kid I said there was no God to. I told him there was not God. I tried to rip God out of his life. And you guys came in over the answering machine. You tucked him in every night. And I think some nights he stayed up until he passed out because he was so scared. But there was one thing that he knew, he absolutely knew, he knew that Roland wouldn't call me if I was drunk. That he knew. He knew that Chuck Roland was calling me as the man that was helping him and he knewthat Roland wouldn' t call meif I was dronk and he know everything was okay and he'd go to sleep. And we don't even know what we're doing half the time when we do it. You know, it's just absolutely remarkable when you throw a pebble in the pond. I was sober about a year. I was kind of becoming a spiritual Goliath at that time. I had started sponsoring some guys and thinking about writing a few appendices to the big book of AA. I was compiling my notes at that times. And rewriting the chapter to the wives and a number of other things. And I got an overture made to me. I had a ghostwriting job at that time at 20th Century Fox, and I was being considered to have a staff directing job on a situation comedy at one of the major studios. And I thought, oh, my God, this is such a great opportunity for the program because if I get this job, it's just going to be so great for my sponsees because they'll see the program in action. They'll really see it working as I prosper. thusly. And I directed one episode and I didn't get the job and I almost drank. And I was humiliated. I went to this company picnic and I was offered a beer by the producer and I did not come to that picnic to bring anything. I was there to get something. And he said, hey, have you had one of these? And I said no and I took a beer and I walked away and i said you're a dead man i guess the wind hit my face i said you're dead and i put it down and i walked away i called my sponsor and i told him what had happened and he said to me well i guess that you have the show business god and i thought what he said well what keeps you sober i said god he said okay god gets you sober keeps you sober and you didn't get a show business job and you almost drank so i guess you have to show business God and he has abandoned you utterly now when I came in AA I heard God getting people in relationships, God getting people jobs, God getting people parking spaces and I went oh no not the parking space God, not the parking space God and if you have a parking space God and gives you a space pass it on And it's a funny thing. We got nailed in the Northridge earthquake really bad. We got really badly injured. We were at the epicenter and our house got creamed. I got a bad physical injury. Shortly after the earthquake, we were at this AA function out of town and this woman who used to live in Los Angeles walked up to me at the function And she said, oh, I'm so glad God got us out of L.A. before the quake. And I said, also, he likes you. He likes you, but we're crap. But he likes me. He likes me, but he likes him. And she asked me, I guess he just felt you had some lessons to learn. I'm out of here, man. I have no desire to stay sober in that world. I can't live in a world where I've got a God saying, get him. Get the Redmond boy. Get him. Get him, no evacuation plan for you. you, boy. Get him. Get him. Turn his wife to salt. Kill his goat. Put a finger in his eye. Get him. Smote his ass. Smode anyone he talks to. We'll figure it out later. It's lesson time. It is like God is some deranged game show host, you know? Let's key your car. You're due for a rash. It boils for you. And there's a reason. There's a reason for your rash. You'll figure it all out later, maybe. I can't live in that world. I can't. I believe the mystics, I believe the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I believe that no one can fully comprehend or define that power which is God. I believe St. Thomas who says in his tract on mysticism and on faith, the first sentence is to know God is to not know God. Every time someone ascribes an intention or a personality to God, they take this incredible radiance, which my life is renewed by the power of daily, this mystery, and they make it this big. Now this mystery is something that used to terrify me, and it's something that if you try to take it away from me, I won't let you. I won'T let you I don't think that God killed Rachel Wang. for a reason. I think Rachel Wang got really sick and she moved on. I don't think there's a beginning and an end to any of this. I can't live in that world. Is it true? I don' t know. It' s where I am with it. I want as much oxygen in my world as I can get. So when my sponsor said, You know what? I had to write the inventory. I was resentful at them for not giving me the job. See, my God expects me to do my job in AA. My sons are 25 and 28. My oldest son, in two weeks I'll go to Ithaca, New York, and watch him graduate the graduate school at Cornell University for public policy. My 25-year-old son has received a five-year fellowship to receive his doctorate in mathematics at Stanford. I cannot believe that this is because God likes us more than the people whose children have been annihilated. I will not live in that world. It's not a world that I'm even vaguely interested in. It's just what's happening in my house. My God expects me to do my job in AA if my children survive or if they don't. That's not an indication of God's love for me. My indication of G-d's love is how I move through that thing. I have dear, dear people in my life who are so important to me who have had that experience and I have had the honor to watch them walk through that pain and that grace and that experience. You know, and boy, that's a big world. I like that world. I can live in that world, and my sponsor said, you know, when you do six and seven on this 10-step because I had to write those resentments against myself for almost drinking and all that stuff, he said, you better have a talk with your higher power about what the hell you're going to do, and I did, and in six and 7 after I read the inventory and read the fears and read it, and read all the defects, I said, Pop, you got it. Take show business. I'll do anything. I'm willing to do anything for a living, and I'm not going to make my sobriety contingent on that. Take show business. And within three months, I was working as a cook on a catering truck. And I looked up to God, andI said, I did not mean this. I didn't believe. We've had some kind of grotesque misunderstanding. This wasn't even like on the long list. I don't know where the hell you came up with this. Now, in Los Angeles, they make a TV show or a movie. They hire a caterer and you follow the group around and you make them food. And it's a great job. You make a ton of dough. It's Teamster dough. You're on a movie set on a vehicle. You make lots of money. But I'm Scott Redman, you know. And the first movie that I cooked on, the executive producer and star of the movie was a guy who I had worked with in the business. And he stuck his head on the truck that morning. And he said, can I have a burrito, Scott? And I said, what's happening, babe? And he says, is this your truck? I said no, but it's my spatula. I went home and I called my sponsor and I said oh we're getting the gift now. It's beautiful, it's beautiful this gift is so beautiful. and he said sounds like you've got a resentment they go to workshops to learn this stuff I'm resentful at Scott for working on a kitchen truck it affects my self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition personal relations and sex a five bagger for sure what are the defects well I'm impatient things aren't moving along I have false pride I'm ungrateful I'm working and I'm making a ton of dough I'm a mind reader and a people pleaser I'm greedy I'm not trusting in God and I wrote it and I read it and then I wound up I wound up serving people who had been my assistant directors actors I had directed in soap operas people who had been my stage managers and I would come back to my group with a new tale of humiliation every week and the guys would just go oh just tears streaming down their face you know and I got to help some guys who felt they had fallen from a height that hadn't reached the top rank in AA, which is child of God. And I had one friend named Paul who felt he had fallen from a height and we did some work together and did the inventory and got straight with it. And he had this prayer he'd say. He'd say, Pop, I'm willing to do anything for a living, but please don't let it be as bad as what you did to Scott. And I was just so glad to help him out. And I'll just tell you this one little quick sidebar. This guy who had been the star of the sitcom that I had not gotten the job on, I look up and he's walking in as a newcomer in AA. And I got some issues here. And I needed to get rid of them and I did the inventory. And subsequently he heard me share and he asked me to help him in AA and I asked him to come to my house and he came over late. Now, on my inventory, my original inventory, when I was a little boy, between the ages of 5 and 10, there was a neighborhood building named Mark. Mark used to kick my ass every day. He humiliated me at our first kind of mixer party, spin-the-bottle parties, that kind of stuff. And he just used to wake up and say, where's Scott? And come kick my Ass. And I had about a dozen items on my Inventory about this guy. At any rate, that's the Bronx. This is Los Angeles. This guy, the star of the sitcom, comes and he's late to my house so I can start him and I can bring him to God. We're going to move towards God together. I'm so good, God, I'm so good and so spiritually developed. And he comes and he says, you know, geez, I am sorry I am late but our new director, my job, that's my job. It is a new director. That is the job that I should have had. Our new director teaches an acting class. This guy Mark and it is him. And now I am going get a hobby. You know what I mean? Take up knitting or something. But get off me, because this is, I mean, it was just too damn funny. And you know what? I didn't tell my buddy what was going on at the time. I waited years later and I did tell him we both laughed. I think he laughed a little harder than me. And I thought my sons and I would get close, you know, on Oscar buffing night, the night we would buff my awards. I thought that's when we would grow very intimate and the fact is my kids wanted me to teach them how to cook and Jesse and I have been cooking together for 20 years and he still calls me and I talk him through sauces and it's one of the great joys in our life. I didn't know that that was going to happen. That's not the way I would have planned it. And I learned how to show up and give them a dime for their nickel and I did a lot of 10 step work, a lot of 10-step work to fight off this feeling of humiliation. One day, when you're on this job, you do everything. You're the chef, you're the cleanup guy and I walked around and there's garbage all over me and garbage on the ground and I see this guy and he was the last assistant director I had when I directed a sitcom. And I went and I hid behind the truck. And you know, we all have those moments. I think we all had those moments, many of us have those moments where God is truly everything or He's nothing. And And I stood behind this truck, and I said, you know what, man? You're either going to hide behind this track for the rest of your life or you're going to go out there and do what a cook does on this job and clean up. And I went around, and Lenny was very happy to see me. He was very Happy to See Me. And I wiped my hand. I shook his hand. I said it's really good to see you, and went and I cleaned up. And I want to tell you, man, I've been okay cleaning up since then. And I cooked for about three years, and I had this overture made to me by a company called Ketchum Public Relations. And it's a big-time comedy writing job. And, you know, I'm telling you, if I got this job, it would be so good for the guys I sponsor. And I'll tell you why. Hold on, hold on, because they would have seen me suffer through all this. And now, right, right? You see what I'm talking about, right. So I had to do a videotape for these guys, and I went mad. I just, not living in today, just greed, the whole deal. And my brain blew up before I even found out about the job. I got straight. I wrote it. I read it to my sponsor. We had a good yuck. Maybe he laughed a little harder than me, but we had a good yuk and I was cool. I released it. And then I got a call from Ketchum that I didn't, and I had done a videotape for these guys, that I did not get the job and I wasn't sure if I was going to get the job And I was good. And then i get a call to cater some commercials in the mountains above la and i hop in the truck and get up there and uh i grabbed the call sheet which is this piece of paper gives you all the information about the shoot and i see that the commercials are for ketchum public relations so i'm feeding them now now i'mfeeding them and i See a guy with a video camera at the base of the truck he's taping me i said what are you doing? He said, oh, we're taping the making of the commercial. He's taping my humiliation. He's going to go back to New York with the tape and show it to them. And they're going to go, is that Scott Redman with the meatloaf? Oh, that poor son of a bitch. So I go back to the hotel. I call my sponsor and I said, Oh, we'RE getting the gift now. Oh, are we getting the gift, this is a miracle. It's a miracle, miracle, miracle. This is a big, this is miraculous. Miracle. And my sponsor said to me, you know, I guess God had enough writers and he needed a few cooks today. And then he said, you know, Scott, you told God you wanted to work for Ketchum and and you forgot to tell him what you wanted to do. I'm 22 years sober. I'm 55 years old. My blood pressure is 118 over 68. I've never been healthier. I've ever felt more handsome. I've every felt more in my life. My life is changing. My career is changing, my home life is changing, I'm going to be moving where I live. Tremendous sadness, tremendous joy in my life. Nowhere in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous does it say the road gets narrower. I'm not condemning that. I understand what people are saying, that they can't do all the bad crap they used to do. I don't subscribe to it. I love what the book says. It says come join us on the broad highway. Become part of the big idea, the great reality. Help us pack things into the mainstream of life. Become part of – join us on the firing line of life." It only talks about life becoming more inclusive, not exclusive. It talks about a big, sexy, robust living, breathing relationship with a higher power in you. When I see my friends, my friends here, when I see Brent, when I see Beverly and George, and now my new friends, the people who I adore, who I've met here today and have been so generous to me. When I see them, I feel this tremendous connection. And the crazy idea, the friendship idea is that when you remove us from that, if you take Brent and I out of that, is that the connection disappears. That's the crazy friendship idea. The fellowship says no, that that connection is the face and the breath of God, that's the face of God. My alcoholism has not gone below the horizon in 22 years because it's bolstered on that connective tissue. If I can just breathe on the ember of that connectative tissue and encourage it in some other way, I'm in the bonus round. If you're new, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to urge you to get involved in the cycle of surrender and commitment so you can move out the cycle of spree and remorse. The good news is our problem mainly rests in our mind. I don't know if any other treatment from a fatal illness where the text about the treatment contains the sentence we absolutely insist on enjoying life. There's no book about cholera that says cholera is a hoot. You'll love cholera. You'll meet other people with cholera, then you'll meet people who just caught cholera it just doesn't get any better than that. My sponsor used to say something so gorgeous. He used to say Alcoholics Anonymous is the only recovery from a fatal illness that he knew of that leaves the sufferer in better condition than they were in before they contracted the disease. Wow, how incredibly true. If you're new here I want to urge you to take this thing as seriously as you possibly can and go out there and have the time of your life. Welcome to AA. Welcome home. Thanks guys. Thank you.