Physical Allergy and Phenomenon of Craving – Big Book Workshop – Part 2 of 8 – Joe C.

Thank you very much. is a depressant. It goes into the bloodstream, it goes to the brain, it begins to depress the brain and they begin to get a slightly tipsy out of control feeling and they don't like that feeling. So therefore one or two drinks is all they want to take. When I put alcohol into my system it immediately goes to my brain and I don't get a slightly tipsy-out of control feelings I get a very exciting in-control feeling whenever I have a couple of drinks. So I react to it abnormally mentally to start with. Then the other thing they said is, after we've had a couple of drinks, in addition to getting the slightly tipsy, out-of-control feeling, they said we begin to experience a feeling of nausea. And they said, we don't like that feeling of nausia. Therefore, one or two drinks is all we want to take. My God, how many times have you tried to get them to drink more than one or three? They say, oh no, no, I feel this already. Or no, it's making me dizzy. Or no it's make me sick, I don't want any more. When it goes into my system, instead of my body experiencing a feeling of nausea, it produces an actual physical craving in my body that demands more of the same. Their body said puke it up. Mine says put some more in here. And that craving is so strong that I can't control the amount that I'm going to drink after I've once started. So I react to alcohol abnormally in two ways. First, I react abnormally mentally. They get the slightly tipsy out-of-control feeling. I get a very exciting in-control feeling. I react to it different physically. They get a feeling of nausea. My body gets and experiences an actual physical craving that demands more of the same. Now, the only difference between normal and abnormal is what the majority of the people do. Nine people out of ten drink it that way. One person out of 10 drinks it the way I drink it. Therefore, we are considered to be allergic, an abnormal reaction to alcohol. You can't see it. You can only feel it. And only alcoholics feel it, you know? The amazing thing today is I look at those people who are not alcoholic. When they drink, they get all they want to drink every time they drink one or two drinks. I drank alcohol 26 years. I don't ever remember getting all I wanted to drink a thousand times. I've had more than I need to drink, but I never got all I needed to drink. An abnormal reaction both mentally and physically, Joe. Those normal people, when they've had two or three drinks, they want to go to bed. Charlie and I have two or три drinks, and we want to go to town. I love to watch them on airplanes. I just love to watching normal drinkers drinking on airplanes, you know. They'll order a drink, and they bring them a little bitty bottle. I guess it's got an ounce in it. I don't know. Four bucks. I think it's up to four bucks today for that little bottle. And they'll get their mixer, whatever it is, and they'll pour that in that mixer. And then they go through a ceremony. They call it the stirring ceremony. And they'll sit there and they'll stir and stir and sir and stir, and I'm sitting there saying, drink the damn stuff. What the hell have you got it for? And sometimes we'll be just about ready to land, and a flight attendant will come by and say, do you want the rest of your drink? And I say, no, I've had all I wanted. And give them half of it back. Pay four bucks for it and turn around and give half of It back to them. That's called alcohol abuse, by the way. We watched one of them one time on an airplane, and he was drinking vodka. And he got his mixture, and He very carefully measured out half of that little bitty bottle and put it in his pocket, put the cap on it, and put It in His pocket, stirred for about 30 minutes, and finally drank It. We started getting off the airplane. I just couldn't stand it any longer. I pushed Him in the back, and I said, What are you going to do with that that you put in your pocket? He said, Oh, I'm going to have me another drink when I get home. now that's sick drinking to me the book don't tell you something unless they don't elaborate on it a little bit further sometimes two or three times so make sure we get the point so we don't get it over there on that Roman numeral page 26 or 20 what's the number there 24 so let's go back to onward to 26 and see if he's going to kind of repeat himself a little he's gonna expand on this allergy idea now on Roman numerel 26 He said, we believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on this chronic alcoholic is a manifestation of an allergy. I was diagnosed as a chronic alcoholic. Hated that word, chronic alcoholic, still not too happy with it, even though I understand. Chronic simply means doing something over and over and ever again. So I was a chronic drinker, a chronic alcoholic. It's a manifestationof an allergy, and that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. He called it a phenomenon because it was a phenomenon to him because he didn't really understand about the allergy to alcohol totally at that time. He said these allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it and once Having lost their self-confidence and reliance upon things human, the problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve. You know, the action of strawberries on one who's allergic to strawberries is manifested as a radish. The action of milk on one whose allergic to milk is manifested a dysentery. The action ragweeds on one's who's allergy to ragweads is manifested as itchy watery eyes and sneezing. The action of alcohol on one who's allergic to alcohol is manifested as, he refers to it, the phenomenon of craving. The reason he called it a phenomenon is he didn't understand why, but he had seen it happen to people like us over and over and over and over and over. So the phenomenon of craving is a manifestation of our allergy. In other words, you've got to look at very carefully if the word craving. I hear a lot of people today say, I came in and I craved a drink for four years. No, in the context of the big book, no. They needed a drink. They wanted a drink They desired a drink But in the contexto of the Big Book The only way an alcoholic can crave alcohol Is to first put it in the system And then the phenomenon of craving develops And then we pass through the well-known stages of esprit Now non-alcoholic people never feel this You know, they don't understand us Any more than we don't understanding them But you and I understand it because we've had that phenomenon of craving develop in our body countless, countless times. Always going to have just two beers tonight. And I used to go to the liquor store and buy a half a pint. And I knew nobody can get drunk on a half of a pint Well, it ain't an hour or two and I'm back at the liquor story again and this time I'm buying a quart, see? And I drank 26 years. I don't remember taking one drink of anything that had alcohol in it. One always led to 2 to 3 to 6 to 8 to 10. Now, some people drank it safely for several years, and then the phenomenon of craving began to develop in their bodies. It was in my body from the word go. You know, I think I was born alcoholic. I didn't just stand there waiting to take a drink. First drink I ever took, I got drunk. Got sick, passed out that night. Okay. Let's turn to Roman numeral page 28 on the third edition, Roman numerald page 30 on the fourth edition. And we're going to go just a little bit further with this allergy now. He can talk about these allergic types, and he's going to give us five different types of alcoholics to look at on Roman numeral page 28 or 30 in the fourth edition. He said the classifications of alcoholic seems most difficult, and a must-eat sale is outside the scope of this book. He said there are, of course, the psychopaths who are emotionally unstable. We're familiar with this type. They're always going on a wagon for keeps. They're over-remorseless and make many resolutions but never a decision. We call that type one. There is a type of man who is unwilling to admit that he cannot take a drink. He plans various ways of drinking. He changes his brand or his environment. Type two. There is the type who always believes that after being entirely free from alcohol for a period of time, he can take a drunk without danger. Type three. There is mad depressive type who is perhaps the least understood by his friends about whom a whole chapter could be written. Type four. Now, I always thought I was the next one, a type 5. If you're going to have to identify with one of these alcoholics, that type 5 is the one to probably identify with. Type 4 is pretty sick. So they're in types entirely normal in every respect except the alcohol has upon them. They're often able, intelligent, friendly people. That describes Charlie, doesn't it? I used to read that and I'd think, how in the hell did he know so much about me? Now he makes his point. All these and many others have one symptom in common. They cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has never been by any treatment of which we are familiar permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence. I think what he said is this. If all we alcoholics in this room tonight should take a drink, God forbid that happened. But if we did, we would not all react just exactly the same. In just a little bit, one of us would be crying in our beer. Who in the world is going to treat me like that? In just another little bit somebody would be up on top of one of these tables whooping and hollering and dancing and cutting up. A little bit there would be two of them in a corner getting in a fight, just sure as anything. Look over in this corner, there will be two over here, one of them putting the make on the other. We tend to do that also when we drink. We would do many different things, but if we're real alcoholic, there's one thing every one of us would do. We'd start looking for another drink, and then another, and Then another, and Then Another, and Until We End Up Drunk and Sick and in All Kinds of Trouble. Now it really doesn't make any difference whether we're born with it or whether we drank ourselves into it. Joe drank several years without any trouble, but eventually he crossed that same line and the phenomenon of craving began to develop and he began to get drunk and sick and in all kinds of trouble. And from that day on, he never could drink safely again. And it really doesn't make any difference how long it takes us to get drunken. You know, I'm kind of an alcoholic. This thing is so pronounced in me that if I could take a drink at 9.15, I'll guarantee you by 11 o'clock I'll have found a policeman and I'm in jail somewhere. Now some of you might have one or two tonight, three or four tomorrow night, and it may take you a week to find your policeman and go to jail. But what difference does it make? The first drink is what triggers it, and we end up drunk. This we owe to Dr. Silkworth. Now, he called this his opinion in the 1930s. They didn't know much about metabolism in the 30s. Today they do. Today they know that if you put anything in your body such as a piece of beefsteak, then mind and body recognizes what it is. Certain organs of the body produce enzymes that attack the beefsteAK and break it down into usable and non-usable items. The proteins, amino acids, the vitamins, the body will retain. What it can't use, it will dissipate through the urinary and intestinal tract and get rid of it. It does the same thing with a liquid as it does with a solid. And we're going to look at a little picture, and I need my volunteer again over there, please. We're goingto look ata little picture and you have it in your handout sheet too and let us be the first to say this is not AA information. AA does not get involved into why we're allergic. Because if we did, it would create controversy amongst ourselves. But this information came out a few years ago. And I think it has such depth and interest for people like us that we would be remiss if we didn't look at it. And you look in that center column on that picture, the dying people that can drink safely, they are at ease with alcohol. They put alcohol in the system. The mind and body recognize it. The enzyme production starts. It attacks the alcohol and breaks it down to a material called acetaldehyde. After a period of time, it becomes diacetic acid. Then it becomes acetone. And in the final stages, it become a simple carbohydrate made up of water, sugar, and carbon dioxide. The body will retain some of the water. If there's excess, it'll get rid of it through the urinary intestinal tract. The sugar, that's calories, energy, empty calories. But the body will burn it as energy so the excess is fat to be used at a later date. The carbon dioxide dissipated through the lungs. Now in a normal social temperate moderate drinker, the rate of metabolism for alcohol is approximately one ounce per hour. I know it varies with different people, but that's the average. And if they don't drink over an ounce per hours, they can't get drunk because their body will metabolize it and get rid of it at that rate. You very seldom see a social drinker drinking more than an ounce per hour. If you do, you better stand way back because they're probably going to puke on you a little bit. It's just not going to stay there very long. Let's look over in the left-hand side. The one that does not drink safely or is at dis-ease with alcohol. And if you want a definition of the word, there it is, disease, whatever separates you from the norm. Move that over to the right, if you will. So it's the one on the left that we're looking at. Yeah. Okay, same thing happens. We put it in our system. The mind and body recognize it. The enzyme production starts. But the enzymes necessary to metabolize it are not there in our body in the sufficient quality or quantities as they are in the body of the non-alcoholic. First it breaks it down into acetaldehyde, then to diacetic acid, then acetone. but it stays in our body for a much longer period of time as acetone. Today they have proven that acetone ingested into the human system that remains there for an appreciable period of times will create an actual physical craving for more of the same. And that physical craving then demands a second drink. Now just think, we got the acetone in there from the first drink. It produces a physical craving. That requires a second drinking. Now we've got most of the acetone still there from the first. Now we put in the second drink. The acetone level goes up. The craving becomes harder. That demands a third drink. And we've Got most of it. We've got the first, nearly all of the second. Now we're putting the acetones from the third drink, and the acetome level goes down, and the craving becomes higher. We're laying out in the parking lot at midnight. They run over us and broken our leg, and they come running up to us and say, Can we help you? and we say, my God, yes, give me another drink. We're craving it harder after 20 drinks than we were after one or two or three drinks. That explains to me why I never got enough. I never drank all I wanted to drink. Never could fill that void, and this explains that to me. This explains that for me. Now, if it never got any worse, we could probably learn to live with that condition. But we know not only do we have an illness, we have a progressive illness. It always gets worse rather than better. It never stays the same. There are probably two reasons behind that. Number one, we know today that alcohol is a destroyer of human tissue. The longer we drink, the more we drink. The more tissue we destroy. And it seems as though the first organs of the body that are attacked and begin to be destroyed by alcohol are the liver and the pancreas. Today they know that the liver and the pantries are the two organs ofthe body that produce the enzymes necessary to metabolize alcohol. And as I drink and begin to damage those two organs, the enzyme production goes down. The craving becomes harder. The drinking becomes harder, also probably due to the aging factor. We know today that as we get older, the body begins to shut down on the production of everything. God, I wish that were not true, but believe me, it is. I've experienced a bunch of that. If I'd take a drink today after X number of years of sobriety, I wouldn't start where I left off several years ago. the craving would be harder, the drinking would be hard, and the trouble would be more difficult. The struggle would be even harder. So not only am I in the grips of an actual physical illness, but it is a progressive illness that always gets worse as time goes by. Now when I saw that, then I could accept the fact that I can never safely drink alcohol again. Until I saw this, I kept trying to drink it. I knew there had to be some way I could drink it without getting drunk and it would damn near kill me trying to find it. But when I Saw This, it shut the door. I said, from that day on, I'll never be able to successfully drink alcohol again. Now, if that was my only problem, then we could pass the hat and collect a dollar and get up and go home. Then we'd never have any more trouble. But see, not only do I have a physical allergy to alcohol, but I've also got something in my head that's not right when it comes to alcohol. I have an allergic friend who is allergic to all things fish. And every time he eats fish, his throat swells up and he almost chokes to death. He ends up in the hospital. Now, the fact that he's allergic to fish is beside the point if he never ate fish. But up here in his head, he's got a light bulb that doesn't come on. A switch that doesn'T close or something. Because from time to time, his mind tells him it's okay to eat fish. He eats the fish. The allergy takes over. He ends Up in the Hospital over and over and over and over again. I bet it nearly always starts like this. Well, I haven't had any fish in 90 days. Surely I could have one piece of fish. Or it might say it's that damn orange raffia I've been eating. I've not been eating nothing, but mahi-mahi, I'd be all right. Or it may say it is some damn people I've just changed my crown. My head is the same way when it comes to alcohol. Left on my own resources, over a period of time, my mind begins to forget what alcohol does to me. And it begins to remember what alcohol does for me the first drink or two, how great it makes me feel. The next thing you know, I forget that I can't drink. And my mind tells me it's okay to drink. And I take a drink, I trigger the allergy, and then I'm in trouble over and over again. So we're going to find out from here on, we're not going to talk about the physical allergy anymore. We're goingto find out form here on the book repeats over andover andover the main problem the alcoholic centers in our mind telling us we can drink rather than our body that ensures that we can't drink. Joe? The doctor said this phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people and sets them apart as a distinct entity. The only difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic is the alcoholic has a craving after they take a drink, not before. If we're craving a drink before we take a drinking, it has to do with a mental obsession, obsession, not the physical allergy. And he said it's never been by any treatment, which we are familiar with, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have is to suggest an entire absence. As Charlie said, if we have a physical allergy to alcohol, he suggests we don't drink. And that would be the end of it. But now we're going to talk about the most dangerous part of the illness. And the most dangerously dangerous part is when we're not drinking. And the reason it's the most dangereous part of illness is because we're thinking about drinking. So now let's move back to Roman numeral number 26 in the third edition and Roman numerel number 28 in the fourth edition, the bottom of the page. Well, that last paragraph on that page, Silky understood us quite well. He's told us what's wrong with our body. Now he's going to tell us what'S wrong with Our Mind. He said men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. A lot of alcoholics are highly offended when you tell them that. They say, oh, no, no. That's not the reason I drank. They say the reason I drank is because I love the taste of alcohol. I wouldn't argue with anybody whether they do or not. I love to taste a cold beer. Always have, all my life, as far back as I can remember. I also love the tastes of Cold Mountain Spring Water. I don't ever remember sitting down and drinking a case of Cold mountain spring water. Alcohol did something for me that Cold Mountain spring water didn't do. As a kid growing up, I was always on the outside of the crowd looking in. Always wanted to be a part of. I knew it could not be. Always knew that whatever I said, whatever I did would be the wrong thing. People would laugh and I would be embarrassed by it. I just couldn't hardly function in society as a kid growing up. And one night somebody gave me a drink of moonshine whiskey and all those feelings disappeared. And I was allowed to be just like the other kids. I was aloud to ask a girl to dance with me. Never had to ask for the girl before. I was loud to take her home from the dance. I was allowed to get in the back seat of a 36 Chevrolet with her and do some things I've been wanting to do for a long, long time. I loved what alcohol did for me. Now if it gave me a slightly tipsy, out-of-control, nauseous feeling, I wouldn't like it. But remember, it gives me that great, exciting, in-control feeling and allows me to do things that I could not do on my own strength unaided. That's why people drink. People like us, that's why we drink alcohol, because of what it does for us rather than what it does to us. We like the effect produced by alcohol and many of us, there are many, many effects by which we drink. I'm like Charlie. First time I asked that girl to dance and we started dancing and this was after I took a drink. She said well Joe, I didn't know you could dance. And I said I didn t either. I'm having fun. So I use alcohol but there are mini, mini effects. And we know that alcoholism is a progressive illness. It gets worse over period of time and the more i drank and the more i drink the more I got into more trouble and eventually I started doing some of those things and overdoing some of those things I always wanted to do and I'd get in trouble and then I drank for another effect to get over the guilt shame remorse of the trouble I got in to the night before and as time went by my wives began to throw my stuff out in the yard y'all know what I mean by stuff don't you dirty t-shirts dirty shorts they never throw out anything that's clean I don't know why that is and file for divorce and put restraining orders on me and take my money from me, make me madder than heck. And I drank to get over some of those feelings, you know, many, many effects by which we drank. And in the very end, you know I was drinking for the sickest effect of all was total oblivion. I just wanted out of it. There's only one thing wrong with oblivion though, isn't there? You wake up and you've got to do it again. And that's the effect I was looking for in the end, the sickiest effect of awe and there are many, Many effects by Which We Drink. The sensation is so elusive that while they admit it, it's injurious. They cannot after time differentiate the truth from the false. I got to where I didn't know the truth and the false about why I was drinking. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. My drinking life became normal. My alcoholic life became normaI. The abnormal had become normal, and I didn' t know the true from the faIse. And I remember one morning many, many years ago, my wife and I drank together as much as we could, and we woke up one Sunday morning and I had a clear thought and I said to Phyllis do you realize that most people don't drink like we do now this is what she said I didn't say this she said bullshit that's the way she talks she said bullshit everybody we know drinks just like we do and I thought about that well that's true everybody I really knew drank like I did or I didn' t know them every bar that I went to that bar drank somewhat like i did or i didn't go to those bars you know i just didn't do that my last drink was took at the misty dawn boy it's a lovely place still smell it today yeah i can smell it now so so by the abnormal become normal now this is what we are when we're not drinking they are restless irritable and discontented you'll remember how used to you'd get on one of those in forced periods of sobriety and how you'd become so restless and irritable and discontented. Let's add a few more words to fill with shame and fear and guilt and remorse and worry and anxiety and all that crap that goes along whenever you're out there sober, trying to stay sober left on willpower. Any of you ever feel any of that when you were drinking? Yeah. Remember it said, remember when we was brand new, they said if you don't drink you're going to feel better? Well, man, you're gonna feel better all right. You're gonna Feel Resentment Better. You're Gonna Feel Anger Better. You'll Feel Fear Better. Because we don't have that alcohol to kill the pain. We're running around, we're stark, raving sober. You see? And it says unless we can again experience a sense of ease of comfort, which comes at once by taking a few drinks. The mind begins to think about that great sense of peace and comfort that comes at wants with taking a couple of drinks. And it begins to forget about the jailhouse. It begins to forgive itself. It begins not to forgive about the coroner or the divorce court. And it's concentrating on only one thing, how great a drink is going to make us feel. The next thing you know, we believe something that isn't true. We think it's okay to drink. And then we take a drink. He said after they have succumbed to desire again, you know after a while if you run around, you're restless, irritable, discontented, full of guilt, shame, remorse, resentment and anger, you don't feel good. And after a While, if you were like me, you say to yourself, well hell, you might as well be good and drunk is the way you are. and you justify yourself in taking a drink. And after they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and then the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of esprit, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. And how many times have I or you ever made that promise to myself or anybody who would listen? I'll never take another drink. I promise you I am through drinking. I'm never going to drink it again. And you know that I meant that if you made those promises. And he said that this is repeated over and over and over and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change, there's very little hope for his recovery. He's not talking about the body now, he's talking about the mind. Psychic is dealing with the mind and Dr. Silkworth used the word psychic change. Bill talks about a personality change, a spiritual experience, a spirit of awakening. All those things, Dr. Jung talks about ideas, emotions and attitudes we need a whole complete change of a psychic change of ideas emotions and attitudes i need to find a way to live to get over some of those guilt shame and remorse feelings that i have otherwise i'm not going to be able to stay sober okay y'all bear with us now we're going to be through in just a few minutes on the right hand side of this chart we've drawn a little example here to kind of indicate what dr silkworth is talking about when it comes to our mental condition you know all human beings have emotions sometimes we're sad other times we're happy other times were mad other times We're worried other times. We're afraid all human beings have Emotions it seemed as though we alcoholics as we were growing up most of us were an actual emotional basket case most of Us were just like I was that way I didn't fit in anywhere. It just didn't feel right. I was always afraid, always worried. The pimple on my nose is twice as big as the pimple on your nose and it just didnít seem to fit in anywhere I went, period. All people have emotions. Now somewhere during one of those emotional tizzies somebody gave me a drink of alcohol and immediately when I took that drink of alcoholic for me itís an upper, itís not a downer. Normal people itís a downer, but if we're alcoholics, it's an upper. And the instant I took that drink of alcohol in my system, all the worries, anxieties, the fears and everything that had bothered me up to that time disappeared. And I really felt good. I felt like I belonged. I feel like I was as good as I could fit anywhere and be anybody or anything. Now, the mind is a marvelous mechanism. When you've got a problem and you find a solution, the mine immediately records that solution. And the reason for that is, is so the next time we have the problem, we don't have to start looking for another solution. The mind plays it back to us. And that particular night that I took that drink and it did so much for me, the next week or two or three, again, I'm in a basket case. No alcohol in my system at all. Don't feel worth a damn. And I had an opportunity to take a drink. And my mind immediately recorded, told me what that first drink did for me. How great it made me feel. And my mind said, let's have another drink. And I took a drink and sure enough, boy, the magic happened again. And you do that two or three times, your mind becomes mentally addicted, not physically, but mentally addicted to that solution. For several years, any time I had a problem, any Time I didn't feel right, I could take a drink, I felt better, allowed to function like normal people could. But slowly, slowly over a period of time, since my illness is a progressive illness, I began to get drunk and some of the things began to happen to me now because of the excess alcohol that I was always afraid was going to happen to me before I ever started drinking and I became a very very confused individual and like most alcoholics when I reached that stage in my drinking alcohol began to be a serious problem to me I told them I didn't even think about quitting drinking I told myself Charlie what you got to do is you're going to have to learn to control your drinking while drinking. You're going to have to cut down on the amount you consume. Or you're goingto have to drink something different this time. Don't drink that damn vodka this time stay on good whiskey or whatever. Any of y'all ever try to control your drinking while drinking? Well now on the left hand side of the chart over here I can see why I couldn't do that. I could not control my drinking while drinking because of the physical allergy. Now after several years of trying to control my drink while drinking. I finally said to myself, Charlie, I don't believe you can drink anymore. What you need to do is quit drinking. Now when an alcoholic decides to quit drinking, we've taught out our most useful tool and it's called willpower. And we put it right in here where I've put that little piece of paper and we said sick'em, Will. We're through with that drinking. Never going to take another drink as long as we live. Now down here on the bottom of the chart, I'm restless, irritable and discontented. Sober, don't feel good. Filled with shame, fear, guilt and remorse. And as the days go by, the emotions begin to build up. Worse and worse and worse. And next thing you know, it triggers the idea to take a drink. But old willpower is sitting right in there. And we say, no, we're not going to take another drink. We've sworn off. We're not ever going to drink again. And that day we don't drink. But the next day, the emotion is still there. And they build up a little higher and a little higher, and they trigger the idea of taking a drink, and willpower stops it, cuts it off again. But after a while, the emotions get so high, and I feel so lousy, I begin to say to myself, well, hell, I might as well be drunk as feel the way I am now. The idea of taking a drank burns through willpower, and I reach over there and take a drink. And when I take the drink, I trigger the allergy, and it can't stop drinking. I go through the well-known stages of a spree, and I emerge remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again. And this is repeated over and over and over and ever. Unless I can experience an entire psychic change, there is very little hope of my recovery. Now, psychic deals with the mind. We're not dealing with the body now. We're dealing with a mind. Unless I can find a way to live, we're down here on the bottom of the chart. Instead of being restless, irritable, and discontented, filled with shame, fear, guilt, and remorse. Unless I can find a way to live without being that way, then I'm doomed to the next room. Because the emotions will continue to build up, build up. Burn through willpower. I take a drink and I'm off and running again. But just think, just think. If I could find away to live down there on the bottom of that chart, where instead of being restless, irritable, and discontent, filled with fame, fear of guilt, remorse, if I could find a way to live on the bottom of that chart where I could be sober, peaceful, happy and free at the same time then I don't need to take a drink to get the sense of ease and comfort that comes from taking a drink of alcohol because I'll already have that sense of peace and comfort and time to time sure we still have emotional problems we'll always have emotional troubles but from time to times when they build up here At this point, it never gets to the point that requires that we take a drink in order to feel better. And that's what recovery is all about. Recovery is not just not drinking. Recovery is having a, the book will refer to it as spiritual experience, a spiritual awakening, a psychic change, or a personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism. And that is what our program is about. And that's considered to be, then, recovery from alcoholism. Joe, let's read the next paragraph there. It says, On the other hand, and strangely this may seem to those who do not understand, once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol. The only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules, which is the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, the reason willpower won't work for people like us is just before we take a drink, we don't see anything wrong with drinking. Willpower becomes nonexistent just before мы take a drank. Willpower's gone and we think the drink is okay. So thank God through our program of recovery, even though we still have emotional problems, they never reach the level that we fool ourselves into thinking a drink would make us feel better. That's what our program is all about and that's all we've got for tonight. I hope you all have enjoyed it. I plan on seeing you tomorrow morning. David, do you have anything else? I love. I told one last night, and it involved we alcoholics and our brains. This particular one involves an alcoholic, a member of AA, an Al-Anon, and an Alateen. And they had been to a convention somewhere in one of the cities, And on the way back home, they decided they wanted to take a little shortcut through the country so they could see some scenery for a change. And sure enough, they got out in the country and after a while they got lost. And they tried their best to find their way out of there and they finally ran into an old farmer's house. They went up to the farmer'shouse and knocked on the door. The farmer came to the door and they told him what the problem was. They were lost and they needed directions. He said, well, it will be relatively easy to tell you how to get out of here. But he said, the problem is it's coming on dark. It'll be dark shortly and you're probably going to get lost again. He said, why don't you guys just spend the night here with us and you can get up and go home in the morning? And they said, oh, fine, yeah, that's great. The farmer said, we've just got one problem with it though. I can only sleep two of you at a house. One of you will have to sleep down in the barn with the animals. The Alateen said, I'll let me sleep down there. I love animals and they love me and it'd be no problem at all. So they all go to bed with the Alateens down in their barn and after a while, there's a knock on the door. The farmer goes to the door and there stands the allotine. The allotine said, I can't sleep down there. He said, the pigs are grunting, the cows are mooing, the horses are stomping their feet, and the chickens are clutting. I just cannot sleep down here. So the alcoholic said, okay, come on in the house. I'll go down to the barn and I'll sleep with the animals. He said I was born and raised on a farm. That will be no problem for me. So they all go to bed with the alcoholic down in the barn after a little while and knock on door. The farmer comes in and the farmer goes through the door and there stands the alcoholic, and he said, man, I can't sleep down there either. He said, the pigs are grunting, the cows are mooing, the horses are stomping their feet, the chickens are clucking, and I just can't asleep. The Al-Anon said, well, okay, come on in. I knew it would be up to me to handle the situation in the first place. She said, you guys go to bed, and all go down to the barn, and All sleep with the animals. So they all go to bad, and she goes down to barn sleeping with the animal, and after a while, there's a knock on the door. The farmer goes to the door, and there stand the cows and the pigs and the chickens. My wife has been in Al-Anon for 34 years, and she gets mad as hell when she hears me tell that story. Joe and I love Al-A-Non. We both think it's one of the greatest things that ever happened to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. us. You know, I always tell people who are non-alcoholic is that you people can't make us drink, but you can sure as hell make us thirsty. And by going to Al-Anon, it makes it much, much easier for us drunks to stay sober. Okay, we spent a lot of time last night in the forewords and the preface and the table of contents and the history about the book and we got into the doctor's opinion and in the doctor'S opinion we found out what our problem really is. We found out it's not weak will, it's not moral character, it is not sin, that we do suffer from an illness. We found that it was a two-fold illness. A physical allergy of the body that ensures that we can't safely drink any longer. An obsession with the mind that ensures that left on our own resources we can keep from drinking. And if we can drink without getting drunk and if we can't keep from drink then surely, surely we become absolutely powerless over alcohol. So for the first time, we see through the doctor's opinion what our problem really is. Now this morning, we're going to look at Bill's story. And as we go back and look at Phil's story, remember that Bill, when he first started trying to help other alcoholics up in New York City, that he always tried to force the spiritual experience on them, and none of them responded. He went to Dr. Silkworth, and Dr. silkworth said, Well, Bill, why don't you explain to them the exact nature of the illness? Tell them what's wrong with them. And after you tell them what's wrong with them, you can get their attention and then you can talk to them about spirituality. So the very next person Bill talked to was Dr. Bob. And he sat down with Dr. Rob and did something he had never done before. He began to tell Dr. Bobs about Bill's drinking. He didn't talk about Dr. Bobs' drinking. And through the talking about his drinking, he talked about his own physical allergy. He talked about his own obsession of the mind. And immediately Dr. Babs could identify with another alcoholic. And for the first time, Dr. Bob understood what his problem was too through Bill sharing his story with Dr. Rob. They went to see Bill Dotson and they sat down with Bill Datson and they didn't talk to Bill Datsu about Bill Datson's drinking. They told their own stories. Through the sharing of their stories with Bill Dodson, then Bill Dodpson could see his problem too. So from that time on, any time they went out on what they then called a visit, What today we call a 12-step call, they sat down and shared their own stories with a new alcoholic so the new alcoholic could identify with another and begin to see what their problem is too. Now when the big book was first written though, they said, you know, the first guy in California, we're not going to be able to go sit down and talk with him on a one-on-one basis. The first one to get sober up in Illinois will not be ableto go talk to them. So the bigbook had to be complete enough to do the entire job And they decided what they needed to do, right after the doctor's opinion, is put in a story of one of the members of the little group at that time. And, of course, they put in Bill's story. And as we read Bill's Story today, I think we can see where it really did fit in back in 1939. Today, AA is all over the world. And you can find another alcoholic to identify with in an AA meeting. But in those days, they couldn't do that. So as we go through Bill's history, we're going to look for two or three things. Number one, we're gonna look for identification. A lot of people say I can't identify with Bill because, after all, he was a New York City stock speculator. He was a nightly school lawyer and we were not and we couldn't identify. A lot OF the women say we can't identity with him because he's a man and we're women. But I think if we look in Bill's story and we look at how he felt and how he thought and how he acted, I think all of us are going to be able to identify with bill whether we're male, female, whatever our occupation might be. And in Bill's story, we see a classic example of alcoholism. We're going to be able to see him drinking for fun. We're gonna see his drinking becoming more serious, continuing all day and almost every night. We're gunna see him finally drinking out of absolute necessity, drinking in order to live. And then we're guna see him drinking for the sickest reason of all, complete absolute oblivion just to get out of it. The greatest thing we're gonna se in Bill story is we're going to see him recover from alcoholism. And if we're a new person, never had any contact with AA, we're reading Bill's story, we identify with Bill, and we see him recovery, then the new person is the beginning of belief and the beginning of hope. We're enough like this guy that if he could recover, then maybe we could recover too. So let's go through Bill's Story briefly this morning. Look for a few of these things, Joe. I love Bill's Stories today, but in the beginning when I was trying to identify with Bill. I'd seen pictures of Bill and he was an old man, I thought, you know, at the time. And I said, well, what did he have to tell me that I need to know? But come to find out he was 43 years old at the book was written. So a relatively young man. And as longer I stay sober, the more I can identify with Bill. In fact, in Bill's story, we're going to learn what he was like and how he learned he was sick. And most importantly, we want to see him affect the recovery. So the whole story of Alcoholics Anonymous and the recovery process is tied up in bill's story it's a lot a whole lot of information in bill story and i began to identify with bill i too am like bill i was a very optimistic individual as bill was and he was a hard-working person as most of us are and he had lots and lots of willpower which we all do and he Was a self-made man did it all by himself he said and so i could identify with bill so let's start on page one and see if we can identify with Bill Wilson he said war fever ran high in the new England town to which we knew young officers and bachelors were assigned. And we were flattered when the first citizens took us to their homes, making us feel heroic. Here was love, applause, war, moments sublime with intervals hilarious. Anybody ever have any moments sublimed with intervals hilarious? Oh, I did too. He says, I was part of life at last. In the midst of that excitement, I discovered liquor. I forgot the strong warnings and prejudice of my people concerning drink in time we sailed for over there i was very lonely and again turned to alcohol we landed in england and i visited winchester cathedral much moved i wandered outside my attention was caught by a dog or an old tombstone here lies a hampshire grenadier who caught his death drinking cold small beer a good soldier never forgot whether he died by musket or by pot for you younger guys we're talking about not the muscular pot we're not talking about that wacky weed. We're talking about a pot of beer. That's the way they used to serve it in that time that Bill was talking about. I have a picture of that tombstone here, if anybody would like to come by and see it. I had a picture. I'm going to take a look at this. I did have bills on what I did with it, but it's not here. You're welcome to come back and take a Look at this, if you'd like. He said, by the way, the name on this tombstone is called Thomas Thatcher. Some reason. Eddie Thatcher, Ebby Thatcher-Thomas Thatcher connection. I don't think so, but kind of interesting. Omnious warning which I failed to heed. Twenty-two in a veteran of foreign wars, I went home at last. I fancied myself a leader, for had not the men in my battery given me a special token of appreciation? My talent for leadership, I imagine, one day placed me at the head of vast enterprises which I would manage with the utmost assurance. I took a night law course and obtained employment as an investigator for a surety company. The drive for success was on. I'd proved to the world that I was important. I already identify with Bill Wilson. That's all I ever wanted to do was succeed at something, prove to the word that I'm important also. I find that's one characteristic of every alcoholic I've ever known. By God, we're going to show them we're gonna be important too. The great drive for success is on He said my work took me about Wall Street And little by little I became interested in the market Many people lost money But some became very rich Well why not I I studied economics and business as well as law Potential alcoholic that I was I nearly failed my law course At one of the finals I was too drunk to think or to write Though my drinking was not yet continuous It disturbed my wives My wives were very disturbed We had long talks when I sealed her foreboding by telling her that men of genius conceived their best projects and went drunk. Anybody in here identify with Bill Wilson? Surely I'm not the only one. Charlie said last night we make our living selling fast, soft, and slow-thinking people. Bill's trying to do some of that here. Bill said by the time I had completed the course, I knew the law was not for me. The inviting maelstrom of Wall Street had me in its grip. Business and financial leaders were my heroes. Out of this alloy of drink and speculation, I commenced to forge the weapon that would one day turn in its flight like a boomerang and all but cut me to ribbons. Living modestly, my wife and I saved $1,000. It went into certain securities, then cheap and rather unpopular. I rightly imagined that they would someday have a great rise. I failed to persuade my broker friends to send me out looking over factories and managements, but my wife undecided to go anyway. I developed a theory that most people lost money in stocks through ignorance of markets. I discovered many more reasons later on. Bill is referring to a time back in the 1920s, stock market was on a roll. About all you had to do to make money, just buy stock, hold on to it, let it go up in price, sell it, take your profits, buy some more. You only had to put down about 10% margin on it. Everybody was making money. Bill became one of the first real investment counselors on Wall Street. He went to the people that had the money, and he said, look, sooner or later this bubble is going to burst. Sooner or later we're going to have to start making our decisions based on fact rather than speculation. He said, no, I don't have the money to do this, but if you guys would back me financially, I'll go out and visit these companies. I'll look at the plants. I'll talk to the employees. I'll examine the books wherever I can. I'll write up reports, send them back here into Wall Street, and we'll start making our decisions then based on fact. Now, the people that had the money said, no, Bill, we don't need that kind of information. We're making about all the money we want to make anyhow. Well, you know how we alcoholics are. If we get a good idea in our head, stubborn and bullheaded to the extreme, we're going to carry it out to the best of our ability. Bill said, we gave up our positions and off we rode on our motorcycle. The sidecar stuff with tent blankets, a change of clothes, three huge volumes of the Financial Reference Service. Our friends thought a lunacy commission should be appointed. Perhaps they were right. Pat had some success in speculation, so we had a little money. But we once worked on a farm for a month to avoid drawing on our small capital. That was the last honest manual labor I parted on our part for many a day. We covered the whole eastern United States in a year, traveling up and down the eastern seaboard in this motorcycle, living out of a tent. that he visited approximately 100 of the largest companies, and he said at the end of it, my reports to Wall Street secured me a position there and the use of a large expense account. The exercise of an option brought in more money, leaving us with a profit of several thousand dollars for that year. Bill sent these reports in to Wall St., the guy saw them and they said, oh yeah man, this is great information. Immediately they put him on the payroll, gave him a large expanse account, He exercised his option and made several thousand dollars for that year. That's a lot of money back in the 1920s. And he said, For the next few years, fortune through money and applause my way, I had arrived. How many of us have done the same thing? This work our tails off. And the day we get there, oh, my God, what a great feeling that is. My judgment and ideas were followed by many to the tune of paper millions. The great boom of the late 20s was seething and swelling. Drink was taking an important, exhilarating part in my life. You know, he's not having any real problem with it. Drinking is fun for him at this particular time. There was loud talk in the jazz places uptown. Everyone spit in thousands and chattered in millions. Scoffers could scoff and be damned. I made a host of fair-weather friends. So we see old Bill on top of the heap. Good money coming in. He's drinking. He's having fun. And everything is really, he really is a successful person at this particular time, Bill is making good whiskey and having good fun, and it's really good for Bill. I can identify with Bill in that area. One time in my life, I was pretty good about making money, a lot of money. Pretty good at losing a lotof money too, so we don't talk about that. So I did that, but I canidentify with Bill. Now, we know as an alcoholic, his drinking is going to be progressive. As time goes by, it's going to get worse. Let's see where he goes from here. He said, My drinking assumed a more serious proportions, continuing all day and almost every night. The remonstrances of my friend terminated in a row, and I became a lone wolf. People began to say, Bill, you're drinking too much. Bill, your need to cut back. Bill, You're costing us money. Bill, why don't you quit? And Bill did the same thing the rest of us did. He said, To hell with them. I don't need them anyhow. He begins to operate now on his own. He becomes a lone Wolf. He said there were many unhappy scenes in our sumptuous apartment. There had been no real infidelity for loyalty to my wife, helped at times by extreme drunkenness, kept me out of those scrapes. I believe just about everything Bill's ever written, but I'm not too sure about that statement. Bill wrote a little book called As Bill Sees It. Later on, Lois wrote one, Loise Remembers. A little difference between the two. Let's go over to page four. Here's old Bill now. See, he's drinking good whiskey. He's got lots of money. He's spending in thousands, chattering in millions. Life is good. Things are wonderful for Bill. Lots of willpower. Lots of hard work. optimistic self-made man doing great abruptly yeah abruptly in october 1929 hell broke loose on the new york stock exchange after one of those days of inferno i wobbled from a hotel bar to the brokerage office it was eight o'clock five hours after the market closed the ticker still clattered i was staring at an inch of the tape which bore the inscription xyz 32 it had been 52 that morning i was finished and so were many friends the papers reported men jumping to death from the towers of high finance. Well, that disgusted me. I would not jump. I went back to the bar. My friends had dropped several millions since 10 o'clock. So what? Tomorrow was another day and as I drank, the old fierce determination to win came back. How many of us have done the same thing? We come out of the jailhouse, we come out to the hospital, we comes out of the divorce court, low, sad, depressed, and on the way home we stop in the bar, have a couple of drinks. And as the alcohol courses through our veins, we say, we'll show them They're not going to treat me that way. And we're off and we're running again. That old great drive to succeed, to be somebody, to show them that we're just as good as they are. That's the difference between an alcoholic and a drunken bum, by the way. A drunken bun is where they want to be and they're not too interested in changing the situation. An alcoholic might be there with a dranken bum, but they want it to be something different. And we have that great fierce determination to win. They pull out their wheel power and say, Sick'em, Will. Here we go. The next morning, I telephoned a friend in Montreal. He had plenty of money left and I thought I better go to Canada. Bill was a drunk. He wasn't stupid. He went where the money was, right? Of course, we all know today all the money is out in California. We know that. By the following spring, we were living in our custom style. I felt like Napoleon turning from Elba. No St. Helena for me. But drinking caught up with me again and my generous friend had to let me go. This time, we stayed broke. We went to live with my wife's parents. You know, this really got to hurt a guy like Bill. who had made all that money, was very successful. He's lost it all now. He's got to go live with his wife's parents. That's really a comedown for a guy like Bill. He said, I found a job and then lost the result and brought up a taxi driver. We see his alcoholism progressing more and more now as time goes by. Mostly no one would guess that I was to have no real employment for five years or hardly draw a sober breath. My wife began to work in a department store coming home exhausted to find me drunk. I've become an unwelcome hanger-on at the brokerage places. These brokerageplaces where Bill had made a lot of people a lot of money when he was welcomed at one time. Now he's going in there and they're saying, Bill look you don't look too good, you haven't shaved you kind of smell a little bit like booze this morning. Why don't you just go on down the street and hang out someplace else we don't really want you here anymore and we know that alcoholism is a progressive illness and now we're going to see where Bill goes from now He said liquor seems to be a luxury it became a necessity We're drinking for an entirely different reason now we're not drinking for fun, we're not drinking for excitement we're drinking now because we have to drink in order to live bathtub chin two bottles a day often three got to be routine sometimes a small deal would net a few hundred dollars and i would pay my bills at the bars and delicatessens now this went on endlessly and i began to wake up very early in the morning shaking violently a tumbler full of gin followed by a half dozen bottles of beer would be required if i were to eat any breakfast nevertheless i still Bill thought I could control the situation, and there were periods of sobriety which renewed my wife's hopes. Remember last night, Dr. Silkworth said we really could not differentiate the true from the false. To us, what we're doing is normal. We can see Bill's life going to hell in a handbasket already. He can't see that. He thinks he can still control the solution. Bill hadn't been with Dr. Sipkowitz yet, and Dr. Silpkowitz hadn't told him his opinion about alcoholism, so he thought he could controlthe situation himself. Things are bad for Bill. But we know that alcoholism is a progressive illness. It gets worse. Gradually, things got worse. The house was taken over by the mortgage holder. My mother-in-law died. My wife and father-in law became ill. Then I got a promising business opportunity. Stocks were at the low point of 1932 and I'd somehow formed a group to buy. I was to share generously in the profits. They don't want on a prodigious bender and that chance vanished. This is a story within itself. The people that had the money knew how good Bill was at putting these deals together. They went to Bill and they said, Bill, we've got a good opportunity to make some money for yourself and also for us. And they said we'd like for you to put this thing together and hit it up, but you've got one thing you can't do, you can'T drink. You've got to stay sober. And Bill said, don't worry about that drinking. I'm through with that drinking anyhow. And he began to put his deal together, worked on it for quite some time, stayed sober. A night or two before it was to be completed. They're sitting around in a hotel room. Somebody passes a bottle of Apple Jack around, comes to Bill, and Bill said, No, thank you, I'm not drinking. Goes on buying, but after a while he comes back to him again. And the guy next to him said, Bill, you don't know what's in this bottle. He said, This Apple Jack is called Jersey Lightning, finest Apple Jack in the world. You better have a drink. And Bill's mind said, Hmm, I've never tasted any Jersey Lightning. no more thought than that he reached out took a drink triggered the allergy couldn't stop and blew the whole deal now the importance in it lies within the next statement he said i woke up this had to be stopped i saw i could not take so much as one drink i was through forever before then i'd written lots of sweet promises but my wife happily observed at this time i'm in business and so i did for the first time bill could differentiate the true from the false For the first time, he could see what alcohol was doing to him. He did just like all the rest of us. He trotted out his willpower and he said, sick them well. We're through with that drinking. You know, people try to tell us that we are weak-willed people. Don't you believe that? We are strong-willed people. Weak-willing people do not become alcoholic. Third time they puke, they just quit drinking. An alcoholic knows there's got to be some way to drink without puking. We damn near killed ourselves. We've got lots of willpower. Our Bill had a lot of it, too. See, Bill doesn't know what we learned last night, and this is really important. Anytime there's a battle going on between the will and the obsession of the mind, the obsession in the mind will win out over willpower every single time because it's stronger than our will. But we don't know that. The only thing we know is we can try to try our willpower. But he don't knows about the obsession with the mind yet. He says, shortly after that I came home drunk. There had been no fight. Where had been my high resolve? I simply didn't know. It hadn't even come to mind. Someone had pushed a drink my way, and I'd taken it. Was I crazy? See, if my willpower don't work, we've tried our willpower for many, many times, and it's not working, we begin to question our sanity. Am I just crazy? Is that the problem? He said, I began to wonder if recession-appalling lack of perspective seemed near in being just that. Now, renewing my resolve, he pulled out his willpower again. Renewing my result, I tried again. Some time passed, and confidence began to be replaced by cop-sureness. I could laugh at the gin mills. Now I had what it takes. One day, I walked into a cafe to telephone. In no time, I was beating on the bar, asking myself how it happened. As the whiskey rose to my head, I told myself I would manage better next time. But I might as well get good and drunk then than I did. Anybody in here identify with Bill Wilson? You betcha. He said the remorse, horror, and hopelessness of the next morning are unforgettable. The courage to do battle was not there. My brain raced uncontrollably. Anybody's brain ever race uncontrollable? there was a terrible sense of impending calamity I hardly dared cross the street lest I clapped and be run down by an early morning truck for it was scarcely daylight an all night place supplied me with a dozen glasses of ale my writhing nerves were stilled at last a morning paper told me the market had gone to hell again well so had I the market would recover but I wouldn't that was a hard thought should I kill myself no not now then a mental fog settled down gin would fix that two bottles in oblivion see we see the progressive of Bill's drinking. He tried to use his willpower. That didn't work. He began to question his sanity, and that didn't worked. He began thinking about suicide. And then we find him now, he's drinking for the sickest effect of all, which is total oblivion. He just wants out of it, and he can't get out ofit. The only one thing wrong with oblivion, though, isn't there? You wake up, andthat's where we find Bill right now. He said, The mind and body are marvelous mechanisms for mind and dirty agony two more years. Sometimes I stole from my wife's fender purse when morning terror and madness were on me. Again, I swayed dizzily before an open window of the medicine cabinet where there was poison, cursing myself for a weakling. There were flights from city to country and back as my wife and I sought escape. Then came the night when the physical and mental torture was so hellish, I feared I would burst through my window sash and all. Somehow, I managed to drag my mattress to the lower floor lest I suddenly leap. A doctor came with a heavy sedative. The next day he found me drinking both gin and sedative. Anybody in here identify with Bill Wilson? This combination soon landed me on the rocks. People feared for my sanity, so did I. I could eat little or nothing when drinking, and I was 40 pounds underweight. We see a guy now reaching the end of the road. He's dying from malnutrition. All of his calories, he's getting it out of alcohol. Hard to eating at all. And if he didn't get some help pretty soon, he wouldn't have been here much longer. He said, My brother-in-law, and this is a fellow named Dr. Leonard Strong, married to Bill's sister, my brother-In-law is a physician, and through his kindness and that of my mother, I was placed in a nationally known hospital for the mental and physical rehabilitation of alcoholics. This is a town hospital in New York City. Under the so-called Belladonna treatment, my brain cleared. Hydrotherapy and mild exercise helped much. The belladonna treatment was a drug they used for withdrawal purposes. Today, they use Valium. In those days, they were using belladona. Hydrotherapy is water treatment. In one of the countries we visited, we went to an old-time, what they call treatment center, old-timed sanitarium, and they had a place in there where they treated the alcoholics with hydrotherapy. They strapped them on the gurney, took them into a shower room, and there were shower heads all the way around the room alternating hot and cold water. And they were in there for about 30 minutes. Now, it doesn't cure alcoholism, but it sure as hell will make a clean drunk out of you. I'll guarantee you that. He said, best of all, I met a kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish, I had been seriously ill bodily and mentally. Dr. Silkworth sits down with him, explains to him his ideas about the physical allergy and the obsession of the mind, and this is the effect it had on Bill. He said, It relieved me somewhat to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though it often remains strong in other respects. My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained. Understanding myself now, I fared forth in high hope. For three or four months, the goose hung high. I went to town regularly and even made a little money. Surely this was the answer, self-knowledge. For the first time, Bill understood his problem. He understood that it wasn't willpower, it wasn'T moral character, it wasn' t sin, that it was an actual illness, an illness of the body as well as an illness of the mind, and he assumed, now that I know what's wrong with me, I'll never have to drink again. Let's see where he goes from here. But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more. The curve of my declining moral and bodily health fell off like a ski jump. After a time, I returned to the hospital. Okay, the first trip was in the summer of 1933. Now we're in the summer of 1934. He's been drinking again now for almost a year. He said this was the finish, the curtain it seemed to be. My weary and despairing wife was informed that all in with heart failure during delirium tremens. Oh, I would develop a wet brain perhaps within a year She would soon have to give me over to the undertaker of this island. He said, they did not need to tell me. I knew them almost welcomed the idea. That's why you can't scare an alcoholic. You say, if you don't quit drinking, you're going to die. You can't scarem because Bill was laying in there and he was real sick. And he heard Lois talking to Dr. Silkworth. And she said, Doctor, is there any hope for him? And he said, no, Lois, there's no hope for Him. We'll have to give Him over to the undertaker of the asylum or He's going to died during the interim tremors. There's no Hope. He said they did now need to Tell Me. I knew and almost welcomed The idea. It was a devastating blow to my pride. I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacities, of my obstacles, was cornered at last. Now I was plunged into the dark, joining that endless possession of thoughts that had gone on before. I thought of my poor wife. There had been much happiness after all. What would I not give to make amends? But that was over now. You see, Bill is without hope. He is totally hopeless and powerless over his situation. And that's what we find in Bill, without hope, And we all know you can't live long without hope. And Bill was at that moment, at that point, hopeless. Now let's look at this next statement very carefully. He said, No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quick sands stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master. I've never seen a better description of step one. No step one written in those days. But this is where Bill admitted complete defeat Alcohol had become his master. He was absolutely, completely powerless over alcohol. This is where Bill took step one. Now, if that should happen to you and I today, well, chances are we'd say, Well, that being the case, I guess I better go to AA. But Bill didn't have any AA to go to. He's in the best treatment facility he knows of. And even though he's admitted complete defeat, taking what we know today as step one, the only thing he can do is leave that hospital, try to stay sober. He said, Trembling I stepped from the hospital a broken man. Fear sobered me for a bit. Then came the insidious insanity of that first drink. And on our Mr. Stay in 1934, I was off again. Everyone became resigned to the certainty that I would have to be shut up somewhere or we'd stumble along to a miserable end. How dark it is before the dawn. In reality, that was the beginning of my last debauch. I was soon to be catapulted in what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence. There's no happiness, peace, and usefulness in the way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes. Near the end of that bleak November, and I imagine it was a pretty bleak September, he took a drink on the armistice day, couldn't stop drinking. The allergies got him. He's approaching the end in November. And he said, with a certain satisfaction, I reflected there was enough gin concealed about the house to carry me through that night and the next day. My wife was at work. I wondered whether I dared hide a full bottle of gin at the head of her bed. I would need it before daylight. My musing was interrupted by the telephone. The cheery voice of an old school friend asked if he might come over. He was sober. You see, that's in squiggly writing, he was sober." That's our tally. When you say something in squiddly writing, it gets pretty important in here. Bill is amazed. He's amazed that Debbie here is in New York and he's sober. He said, it was years since I had remembered his coming to New York in that condition. I was amazed. Rumor had it that he had been committed for alcoholic insanity. I wondered how he had escaped. This is a guy named Evie Thatcher. Evie and Bill used to drink together back in their school days. And Evie, the last Bill had heard about him, he was to be committed to the state insane asylum in the state of Vermont for alcoholic insanity. That's what they used to do with people like us long before we had the treatment centers. They would haul us in front of the judge. The judge would commit us to the state insane asylum for alcoholic insanity, and you were to stay there until you got well. No predetermined time. You were to say there until he got well, and Bill heard that's what had happened to Abby Thatcher, but here's Abby in New York City, and he's not in a nut house, and she's sober. And Bill is really amazed by that. And Ebi's family was a very prominent family in Albany, New York. In fact, his dad was the mayor. And Evi's drinking and running around town was embarrassing the father, and the father was running for re-election. So he told Ebi, he said, Ebi I want you to go over to East Dorset, Vermont to the old summer place and basically get out of town is what he was trying to get him to do. And get over there, and while you're over there you might sober up. And if you can't sober up, at least paint and fix up the old home place because we'll be over there. Make yourself useful, in other words. So he went over there and he got to drinking a little bit and painting and fixing up the old home place. And one day he was standing back and admiring what he'd painted on the wall there, painted a wall, and he was admiring it. Then he noticed some pigeons doing some things on the side of his wall that he didn't like. So he went in the house and got his shotgun and began to shoot the pigeons. Well, blowing holes in the sideofthe wall. Well, the neighbors don't like this, you know. So they called the police, and they were going to take him and put him into alcoholic insanity, into the criminally insane ward for alcoholism. That's what they did with drunks in those days. So they took him before the judge, and there were two fellows there who interceded on Ebi's behalf. One of them was Roland Hazard, and the other one was Cedar Graves. And they were members of the Oxford group, and they asked the judge if they would release Ebi into their care. They felt that if they could get him to some Oxford group meetings and if he would accept and apply the program, then he'd probably stay sober. Well, the judge didn't want to take him to the Kremlin in St. Ward any more than they do now. So they released Ebi to their care, And sure enough, Abbie started going to these Oxford group meetings and he got sober. And after about three months, he decided to move and go back to New York and live with the Calvary Mission, which was the headquarters of the Oxford group at that time. And while he was there, he remembered his friend Bill. He said, I think I'll go over and talk to Bill and see if I can persuade Bill to join the Oxford groups and to get sober like I'm sober. He said of course he would have dinner and then I would drink with him openly. Unmindful of his welfare, I thought only of recapturing the spirit of the other days. There was that time we'd chartered an airplane to complete a jag. His coming was an oasis in this period desert of futility. The very thing an oases drinkers are like that. He said the door opened and he stood there fresh-skinned and glowing. There was something about his eyes. He was inexplicably different from what had happened. I pushed a drink across the table and he refused it. Disappointed but curious, I wondered what got into the fellow. He wasn't himself. Come, what's all this about? I queried. He looked straight at me simply but smilingly. He said, I've got religion. Damn, I'm glad that didn't happen in my kitchen. I have no idea what I would have done. But here's what Bill did. He said I was aghast. So that was it. Last summer an alcoholic crackpot. Now a suspect a little cracked about religion. He had that starry-eyed yoke, look. Yeah, the old boy was on fire all right, but bless his heart, let him rant. Besides, my gent would last longer than his preaching. But he didn't know ranting. In a matter of fact way, he told how two men had appeared in court persuading the judge to suspend his commitment. They had told of a simple religious idea, which is step two, and a practical program of action, which was three through twelve. That was two months ago, and the result was self-evident. It worked. Now, for the first time, Bill knows all three things. He got the problem of self-worth, and now Evie brings him what here is referred to as a simple religious idea, the solution to alcoholism, and he also brings him the program of action necessary to find that solution. But now remember, Bill's coming, or Evie's coming out of the Oxford groups, a group of people practicing first century Christianity, many of the terms they used were highly religious in nature. And Bill didn't like it, just like so many of us didn't Like it. He didn't Like this religious idea. He didn' t Like the way Abbey was talking and the terms that he was using. So even though Bill can see that that is the solution, he still has a lot of problem being able to accept it in his life, just like some of you drunks did. Let's see on the next couple of pages how he was able to accept this simple religious idea as the solution to alcoholism. He said he'd come to pass his experience along to me if I cared to have it. He said, I was shocked but interested. Certainly I was interested. I had to be or I was hopeless. Bill had already admitted that he was hopeless and powerless over alcohol and his condition. So now on page 10 and 11, Bill is somewhere between steps one and two. He's already took one. Now he's beginning to contemplate too. He said, he talked for hours. Childhood memories rose before me. I could almost hear the sound of that preacher's voice as we sat on those still Sundays way over there on the hillside. There was that proper temperance pledge I never signed. My grandfather's good nature contempered some church folk in their doings. His insistence that the spirits really had their music, but his denial of the preacher's right to tell him how he must listen. His fearlessness that he spoke of these things just before he died. These recollections welled up from the past. They made me swallow hard. That wartime day in old Winchester Cathedral came back. See, Bill was raised by his grandfather Griffin because Bill's mother and dad had moved off to Canada and his mother went off to be an osteopathic physician. So Bill's grandfather raised him and Bill's grandfather had a kind of a battle with the church next door. The guy was always trying to save his soul and tell him how he must listen. But his grandfather wouldn't listen to that. He wanted to listen in his own way and instill that into Bill's mind at that time. He said, I'd always believed in a power greater than myself. I'd often pondered these things. I was not an atheist. Few people really are. For that means blind faith in the strange proposition that this universe originated in Cyprus and aimlessly rushes nowhere. My intellectual heroes, the chemists, the astronomers, even the evolutionists suggested vast laws and forces at work. Despite contrary indications, I had little doubt that a mighty purpose and rhythm underlay all. How could there be so much precise and immutable law in no intelligence? I simply had to believe in the spirit of the universe who knew neither time nor limitation. But that was as far as I'd gone. With menace in the world of religion, I partied right there. When they talked of a God personal to me, who was love, superhuman strength, and direction, I became irritated, and my mind snapped shut against such theories. In other words, Bill's saying there's got to be a harder way to do this. That's too simple. He said to Christ, I conceded the certainty of a great man, not too closely followed by those whom claimed him, his moral teaching most excellent. For myself, I'd adopted those parts which seemed convenient and not too difficult. The rest I disregarded. Anybody in here identify with Bill Wilson? Oh, I certainly do. Let's go down to the middle paragraph. In the middle of page 11. But my friend sat before me, and he made the point-back declaration that God had done for him what He could not do for Himself. His human will had failed. Doctors had pronounced Him incurable. Society was about to lock Him up. Like myself, He'd admitted complete defeat that He had in effect been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best He had ever known. Had this power originated in Him? Obviously it had not. There had been no more power in him than there was in me at that minute, and this was none at all. This is where the identification process is so important. Bill knew about Evie, and he knew how Evie drank, and he know if Evie had been sober a couple of months. Some power greater than Evie had to be working in Evie's life. Evie sitting there as living proof of the power greater then human power. That's what you and I have to offer today when we go out and talk to a new person. We're sitting there is living proof that some power greater than human power is working in our lives also. Ebi was Bill's living proof. And even though he could see it in Ebi, he still doesn't like this religious idea. Let's go to page 12. He said, Despite the living example of my friend, there remained in me the vestiges of my old prejudice. Prejudice means old ideas. The word God still aroused a certain antipathy. When the thought was expressed that there might be a God personal to me, this feeling was intensified. I didn't like the idea. I could go for such conceptions as creative intelligence, universal mind, or spirit of nature. But I resisted the thought of the desire of the heavens, however loving its way might be. I have since talked with scores of men who felt the same way. Heavy was coming out of the Oxford Group movement. The Oxford Group moment was interested in first century Christianity. They were really interested in the letter of the law. Bill was listening for the spirit of the Law two different ways. I'd like to have been there that day. I'd love to have watched these two guys. Now, here comes Eddie out of the Oxford groups, and he is on fire with this religious idea that he's breaking the bill. Bill's sitting there about two-thirds drunk, been drunk for about three weeks, and they're arguing about God. They're arguing it's not true. They're talking about religion. You know how we drunks are when we get into those situations. Bill's saying, oh yeah, don't talk to me about a personal God. Oh yeah, I'll agree with universal mind or spirit and nature or something like that. Blah, blah, blah. blah, blah. And I guess after a while, maybe he got tired of it. Let's look at the next statement very carefully. Thank you.