Grandiosity and Admission of Defeat – Big Book – Tim – Workshop – Neptune, NJ – Part 3 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

I'm literally like the man of steel, I have a pipe in here and the pipe goes like this. I don't think there is no other way. What? You're right. It's a little like, well, it's in play with me. I have a big machine. And he goes like this. Yeah. I'm a fat guy. But I can take proper weight. If you go that high, it doesn't seem to be needed. It's vanity. It's the entertainer. The entertainer has a checkbox. And for the problem is, I mean, if you get a new driver's chair for that, then you want it to be the old one. Yeah, but then it's 10 feet away. Sure. So you're going to secure 10 feet in the back and then we're going to secure ten feet in here. So they all have to be ten feet. All right. You know what? If you put it on tape, I could be done. Sure. But that's the thing. They didn't put it out there. Yeah. They kind of did. They kind-of put it up there. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, that would be pretty good, right? Yeah, you've got to do it this way. You've got a lot of things to work with. Do you have control stuff moving on the way here? Uh, yeah. So I can't really do it. I have control over it. I just need someone to get along with me because people are going to come up to me and say, you know what? I'm doing this thing without your permission. I'm trying to figure out how to do this. You're doing the same thing. I don't know. I don' t know. I don''t know. I don´t know I don ''t know I don, I don I don I don I don I don I I I I Thank you. Thank you. I don't know what you're talking about. All right. Thank you. I'm going to trust and serve him. I'm gonna trust and serve him I'll bring you to Jersey have some of that attitude down there I'm going to knock over. Dear God, please set aside anything I think I know about myself, about my disease, about the Big Book, the Twelve Steps, the program, the fellowship, the people in the fellowship in all spiritual terms, especially you, God, so that I may have an open mind and a new experience with all these things. Please help me see the truth. Amen. Preamble from 1st edition. We of Alcoholics Anonymous are more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body to show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. But then we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further or authentication will be necessary. We think this account of our experiences will help everyone to better understand the alcoholic. Many do not comprehend that the alcoholic is a very sick person, and besides, we're assured that our way of living has its advantages for all. Welcome to the Rockin' County Big Book Workshop meeting of AA, this is a closed meeting of AAA. A closed meeting is limited to those who have a desire to stop drinking. If you think you have a problem with alcohol, you are welcome to attend this meeting. In keeping with our primary purpose, we ask all of you to share and confine your discussion to your personal experience with alcoholism and recovery from alcoholism. There are a number of other fellowships that deal with problems other than alcoholism We will be happy to try to help you find the one that will meet your needs after the meeting. The format of our meeting is as follows. Our facilitator, Tim, Bakeluck Center, will present his experience with Bakelick If there are any questions or comments, please wait until after he is done and we'll open the floor at that time. And last week, we ran a little bit long. We're going to get the knock right at about a few minutes left and open the door at that point. And at this time, we ask you to place on silent any cell phones or electronic devices you may have. And at his point, I'd like to ask for his secretary's report from our friend Leo. Yes. if you'd like to join the rock and big book workshop group or take a commitment appreciate you share personal myself at the end of the meeting taking a commitment is a great suggestion for newcomers and old and old times it's a great way to get involved meet people and stay sober is there anyone just uh new or just coming back that would like to introduce themselves All right, if there's anyone visiting from out of town, I'm here for the first time. Hi, I'm Michelle. I'm an alcoholic. I've got a first time with me here. Very good. I want to ask one more question. Hi, it's Megan, alcoholic for Hennessy. Hi, how are you doing? Welcome. Bobby? How are you guys? Welcome. My Hennessys meeting is held on the Monday of the month at a certain Monday ofthe month a 7 30 meeting and we suggest that all group members attend the church has had smoking it's committed outside this building in the parking lot and containing supplies for your blood the restrooms are located adjacent to this room and please do not enter any part of the building and inspect the facilities also after the meeting we ask that all members help clean up before they leave the premises this is a great location for our meeting and and we do not want to lose it. Is there anyone celebrating for the month of November? Yes, sir. Like three years. Yeah, man. Anyone else? Okay. We'll stop supporting and we'll pass the basket later on. Are there any AA-related announcements? Okay, and you can download all our recent speakers and view our upcoming schedules at our website at rbbw.org. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you, Leo. All right, at this time we'd like to introduce and thank Tim for coming up again from New Jersey and Bigfoot Camp. We've been everyone on the Recovered Alcoholic called Bigfoot Kids. Thank you. How are we doing this week? Not bad? Pretty good? It's great to see so many people still here. 69 days is awesome. I hope by the time we get to how it works, I end up on your board set. So this week we're covering Bill's story, which is Chapter 1 in the Dave Royce book. it used to be chapter 2 and then they felt that they should move the doctor's opinion into the Roman numerals for better or for worse or for ego or for God so that's how it works Bill's story before I get into it it's basically kind of a template we were talking a little bit before about it throughout the story it's a blurb about him and what contributed to how he started drinking and then his drinking career, what it was like and then what happened and what it's like now after he quit drinking. And so it's kind of that basic formula that when we're privileged enough to do that ourselves, to share that, that we're supposed to roll with that. And ultimately that is copied from the Oxford groups that we talked about that last week also. And for our purposes, the only thing that we're really concerned with is our alcoholism. You know, it was mentioned at the beginning of the meeting, you know, other fellowships, and we'll help you find them if you feel that you need them. And I've said this before that, you Know, I love that it says, you Now, we're sure that our way of life has its benefits for all. And please, if you get a chance, you Knew, we have GSO, and we're so fortunate that it's right here in New York. get on the phone, call them. Ask them how many people have asked for permission to reprint 12 statues and something else and it's over 800 different fellowships. So I guess it works, right? You know, there's some great things, there's Some Great Facts About Bill's Story that I have, historic things that I'm sure some predecessors have mentioned as well. And there's things in here that really jump out at me as well that it's the first part of the identification process. You know, if we can't identify with each other that we're speaking the same language that you get the fact that I'm an alcoholic and I get the effect that you're an alcoholic and we're on that same page you know, we're just going to be it's two different languages without a translator is really what it comes down to. And so it's important to have that common ground before we can actually begin to take each other's inventory, really. Because that's the process on the way up I was talking to a buddy of mine And one of the things that I've heard for so many years, you know, not that I'm taking their inventory. Like, well, yeah, you are, and you're supposed to, you know, because further on when we get into the process, you know, how are we going to assess whether or not somebody should be an alcoholic without listening to what they have to say and then kind of going through a checkmark in their checklist? You know, and I talked about that last week with the doctor's opinion about qualifying people. but when you're qualifying people you're taking their inventory it's not like the natural tendency of human beings is to judge and that's something that's God given also but it's about the judgment we have to discern we have them say okay I'm talking to somebody who understands and gets exactly what he's saying so that's kind of what the attempt at Bill's story is it's funny between the weeks of seeing people and you having to listen to the things that I say you know obviously life happens between Mondays you know and it's no mistake that last week we were on The Doctor's Opinion and then we have that social media out there that I'm sure some of you know about and I belong to different things you know basically different argument groups is really what it comes down to and then some people they post personal things you know and throw out information that could be detrimental. And for me, you know, one of the biggest things is that I hear so many times and I've heard it so many time and I just don't agree with it. I don't disagree with the fact that there are many different ways to do AA. I don' t agree with that. To me, there's only one way to do AAA and it's in this book. This is AA. You know, other things can kind of complement that, supplement it, but there's no one way to get sober, but this is AA There isn't only one way to get sober, but there's only one A.A. that's in this book or else we would stop spending the money to print it and just let it unfold the way it's supposed to so you know, there's always that, and generally it's from people who want to do things their way and want to resist the changes that they must make in order to maintain the recovery that this book lays out alright, so page one get right into it, alright, Bill's story War fever ran high in the New England towns In which we knew young officers from Plattsburgh were assigned And we were flattered when the first citizens Took us to their homes Making us feel heroic Here was love, applause, war Moments sublime with intervals hilarious I was part of life at last And in the midst of the excitement I discovered liquor I forgot the strong warnings and prejudices of my people concerning drink. In time we had sailed for quote unquote over there I was very lonely and again turned to alcohol. Some of his background, his apparently Bill's grandfather owned a saloon what a surprise and he was a junior in college when he was drafted and he actually drafted into the National Guard and then through the National Guard he was placed as a platoon leader. He was actually a second lieutenant, is what he was. You know, there's some dramatical stuff out there that plays and everything that has him as a lieutenant colonel, which is a lot different from a second Lieutenant. But, you know, there it is right there in the first paragraph of his story, the things that I can identify with that, you know, that need for recognition of how wonderful I am. You know, like, hey, love, applause, even war. You know? Because war, I can go improve myself and show how important I really am. And just the fact that he says that I was part of life at last. So up until that point, I don't know if anybody, because I can identify with it, I wasn't a part of my life. Everybody else got it, but I didn't get it. And so here was something that I was, oh, I get it now. And he didn't, you know, he said right there, I was very lonely and again turned to alcohol. Now, it's funny that he says again turned to alcohol because according to his biographies and his history, he didn'T start drinking until he was in the war. Okay? Until he went, quote unquote, over there. Okay? Which is really late for people to start drinking, especially during his time. I mean, he was like 20 years old at that point. You know, because that was in 17, 1917 is when he was drafted from, you know, from out of college into the National Guard. And then, you Know, the end of the war was 1919. And it says that he says it right in the story how old he was. So he was 20 when he first started drinking. Now, just an aside, you Now, I've heard so many times people talk about stories. You know, there's always the, oh, I came from a family of alcoholics, right? And then on the other side you get, nobody in my family was an alcoholic. But yet we're in the same room, you know, and then there's all different degrees in there. To me, none of that has anything to do with why I became an alcoholic, okay? My thing, my study, my experience, if you will, over the two decades that I've been around and talking to people and just about every person that I've talked to not just about every person that I talk to who qualifies for Alcoholics Anonymous has had some sort of trauma in their life at the point at which they started drinking and they may not have recognized it when they got here but through questioning and starting to talk to them about their life and hey what happened doing the stuff that we're supposed to do as members of AlcoholicsAnonymous at some point we find that trauma that they turn to the alcohol to treat it with. And that's quite true right here in Bill's story. So at 20 years old, he hadn't drank yet. At 20. In 1917. Okay? You know, prohibition wasn't around yet. It was creeping up on us, but it wasn't Around Yet. And so, you know, and 20 is, you know being a man at 20 back then is completely different about being a man at 40 now. I mean, it's just the culture of it is so different so there it is, he was lonely and in war and for anybody who doesn't know anything about World War I this is a pretty hellacious word it was like this 30 seconds to a minute of insanity and just pain and death and all this craziness and then it was hours and days of nothing that was that war at least that's what the history books say and that's why I studied so to go from that and then all of a sudden you know like let's imagine it's pretty quiet here and all calm now everybody jumps up and starts throwing chairs and then we all sit down well we would probably need a drink you know what I mean or something to combat that with right so there he is so then he says we landed in England I visited Winchester Cathedral much moved I wandered outside my attention was caught by a dog roll on an old tombstone the dog roll is the impression upon the tombstone Here lies the Hampshire grenadier, who caught his death drinking cold small beer. A good soldier is ne'er forgot whether he dieth by musket or by pot. Ominous warning, which I have failed to heed. One of the previous speakers here at, not the last guy, David P. from Westfield, he has pictures of himself in England standing next to that tombstone, which I think is pretty cool. You know, like, there it is. That tombstone is like, still there. you know I don't know it just tickles me when I think about that kind of stuff but there it is you know the significance of the drinking you know what I mean in our lives and Winchester Cathedral apparently is just this I mean naturally you know cathedrals are supposed to have a presence of God in them you know just by the nature of what they are but apparently Winchester cathedral has extra God in it or something you know so he had that experience and so here he says 22 and a veteran of foreign wars I went home at last I fancied myself a leader for had not the men of my battery given me a special token of appreciation my talent for leadership I imagine would place me at the head of vast enterprises which I would manage with the utmost assurance so the men of his battery gave him a plaque that had an engravement on it saying how wonderful he was as well as a watch you know there's a comedy troupe which I won't say most of you probably know who they are they're English guys and they do goof on that whole thing about like giving their platoon leader you know and it's like each one has a clock and then well we didn't talk to each other and he got one too so it's like five guys with grandfather clocks right in the middle of the battle, they hand it to us. You know, so when I read this, I always think of that vision of like, oh, wow, he's wonderful. Here's your carriage clock. Put on your mantle and then get shot, you know? And there it is, that grandiosity again, right there on the first page, that grandeosity. You're like, don't you know who I am? I mean, I don't know of anybody who is in recovery who doesn't have, you Know, the stories of like talking to the shareholders at the company or accepting their Oscar, you know, or something or litigating the case of the century in court and, you know, the applause. It's just that whole, God, I just wish somebody would recognize how awesome I am. You know, don't say no on Moses, you know, like that kind of stuff. And yet, you know, the combatant of that is to be humble and just to allow ourselves to be whoever we're supposed to be. And maybe, you know, if that's what God wants, we'll be that person, you know. You know, I have this story that just popped into my own life. When I was a junior in high school, a freshman, there was a freshman in high skill that was in plays with me in performing and you know he went on his name is Tim also so for any of you who have been to the theater district in the city there's a particular theater there that they play a musical and I've always wanted it's the longest running show on Broadway so that should give you a hint as to what it is and every time I'm walking with somebody in the district I point it out I said this is my theater so still I have the grandiosity it's my theater and they're like what are you talking about I said well my picture will be there so I'm doing this one day and I turn and I look and I see the name and it says Tim in his last name I'm thinking he can't be the same kid so I find out it is so now I'm pissed because he was you know he went on to play this role and I went on to become people with him in AA you know so there's you know my talent my imagination but it's never like you know nobody ever dreams of being, like, really secure in middle management. You know what I mean? I can't wait to be part of, like just being an administrative assistant you know, I can' t wait to just be a carpenter it's always like, I'm going to be the person who takes care of that right? And then we're satisfied with that, right? So moving on I took a night law course and obtained employment as an investigator for a surety company the drive for success was on I proved to the world I was important my work took me about Wall Street and little by little I became interested in the market. Many people lost money, but some became very rich. Why not I? I studied economics and business as well as law. Potential alcoholic that I was, I nearly failed my law course. At one of the finals, I was too drunk to think or write. Though my drinking was not yet continuous, it disturbed my wife. Pesty women they are. We had long talks when I would still her forebodings by telling her that men of genius conceived their best projects when drunk. That the most majestic constructions of philosophical thought were so derived. Right? And you know, Hemingway and all, you name it, the litany of those people that we always try to, you know and the thing that we always forget when we do that is like, those people are dead. You know, they're like, I'm going to be just like them. Probably if I keep it up, right? and so there's always that excuse there you know and I was like some of them became rich why not I why shouldn't I be rich right you know so it just goes back to that I'm important I should be rich because I'm important don't you know I'm important I should have money because I am important so it's you know again we see that him comparing his insides with other people's outsides right okay, by the time I completed the course, I knew the law was not for me the inviting maelstrom of Wall Street had me in its grip business and financial leaders were my heroes out of this alloy of drink and speculation I commenced to forge the weapon that would one day return in its flight like a boomerang and all but cut me to ribbons okay, so, interesting part of Bill's story when he was a young man And supposedly, the only people who can make and successfully throw boomerangs are the Australians. Supposedly, that's it. So as a young man, of course, he said, well, I can do that. So Bill Wilson made the boomerang and threw it and almost took his fingers off because he didn't know how to catch it. So he got it half right. You know what I mean? He was able to throw the boomERANG and it came back at him I mean, it was just, you know, I always imagine, you know, the Bugs Bunny cartoon of Nature Boy. He throws it and puts him in the back of the head. And I just imagine that it was probably something like that, you know. But so there's that, you know. That those pieces of evidence from our past, that we have those moments of success with our grandiosity that contributes to the fire of, well, this is why, you know, only Australians can make a boomerang but here's one that I did, you know. And it just becomes, you know, like, I don't know about anybody else in this room but I've had experiences like that. You know, generally it's in school too, my experiences of thinking about that. It was always proving the teacher wrong, right? You know they give you something and you'd be like, no, it's wrong. You know. And they're like, excuse me? Well, it was wrong. You forgot to do this. No, it thought, you Know, because they're teachers. You know so there are positions of authority right? And so it just becomes this battle. And then when you win and you prove it, there's 30 of your classmates who are like ha ha ha, you got the TG-2 right on here. So I'm sure there's plenty of them who are waiting for these rooms too. But it becomes that. It becomes that I can do this. I'm going to show them. Okay, living modestly, my wife and I saved $1,000. It went into certain securities, then cheap and rather unpopular. I rightly imagined that they would someday have a great rise. I failed to persuade my broker friends to send me out looking over factories and managements, but my wife and I decided to go anyway. Like, what the hell do they know, right? I had developed a theory that most people lost money in the stocks through ignorance of markets. I discovered many more reasons later on. So basically, I was wrong. You know, those people actually knew what they were talking about, and I didn't. We gave up our positions, and off we roared on a motorcycle, the sidecar stuffed with tent blankets, a change of clothes, and three huge volumes of financial reference service. Our friends thought a lunacy commission should be appointed. Perhaps they were right. I had had some success at speculation, so we had a little money. But we once worked on a farm for a month to avoid drawing on our small capital. so interestingly enough for any of you who can get a hold of it there's the book A Diary of Two Motorcycle Hobos which is Lois' diary of that trip and it was a trip just according to that book I mean, you know, like it's funny sometimes Lois gets painted as this victim and she was much more of a willing participant than she was a victim there were many times when she was driving the Harley because that's what it was it was a Harley she was here's this little woman with her drunk husband in the sidecar you know and it's in the book there too so that's kind of cool right there um and I think it's amazing like well yeah no I made money I made my I made some money doing what I was supposed to be doing but you know I convinced my wife that we should shovel crap on a farm so we don't have to use that money well are you supposed to use money that you make isn't that the point you know, we'll take a job so we don't have to use the money from our job. You know, sounds like alcoholic thinking to me, right? That was the last honest manual labor on my part for many a day. We covered the whole eastern United States in a year. That's crazy right there. At the end of it my reports to Wall Street procured me a position there and the use of a large expense account. So right there we see, again Again, the brilliance of Bill Wilson manipulating what he really wants to get. Anybody know about manipulation? Probably not minister of money. The exercise of an option brought in more money, leaving us with a profit of several thousand for that year. Several thousand dollars for that years, which you know back then was a lot of money I'm sorry, several thousand dollars now. Profit for a year is a lot money. for the next few years fortune threw money and applause my way money and applaud don't clap, just throw money I had arrived I had arrives my judgment and ideas were followed by many to the tune of paper millions right? to the tone of paper million that's awesome the great boom of the late 20s was seething and swelling drink was taking an important and exhilarating part of my life There was loud talk in the jazz places uptown. Everyone spent in thousands and chattered in millions. Scoppers could scoff and be damned. I made a host of fair-weathered friends. Anybody identify with that? I know, I did. It's just that whole, like... Walking into the seediest bar. Because I don't know about anybody else. I liked dive bars, you know, it being dark and the floor being crunchy and a pool table in the back and maybe a dartboard. And, you Know, just that feel of the smoke, you know, because back then you could still smoke. I drank, you could smoke in the bar. And that smell, that awful, awful smell was wonderful. Right? I was at home there, you know. But then, like, now imagine that picture I just painted for you. And now I walk in in a shirt and a tie. You know, because that's what I did. That's why I walked in to the dollar draft beer bar thinking I was important. You know? And I was putting the ten dollars on the bar. It's on me! What was on me? Like, you know what I mean? Like, the joke was on me is really what it was. You know. So, it's definitely as much as I don't identify with the business aspect and the Wall Street thing, you know, but I identify with that, hey, look how important I am. You know, because back then I told everybody, you Know, how good of an actor I was and how well I could sing and where you can see me perform, you know. And it was usually like, you know the next door, the place next door which was kind of like a barn that they threw up a curtain or something. You know it was like on that level. It wasn't like you were coming to the city in the theater district to see me performance, you know. But I talked like that. That's because they haven't discovered who I am yet, right? And so that's kind of how that was, right. And, you know, everybody was my friend as long as I was buying. My drinking assumed a more serious proportions, continuing all day and almost every night. The remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row and I became a lone wolf. There were many unhappy scenes in our sumptuous apartment. there had been no real infidelity no real one, I guess fake one for loyalty to my wife, helped at times by extreme drunkenness kept me out of those graves so basically you say it just didn't work that night, that's why he didn't try no real infidelity but it's interesting there the subtlety of the confession in his story you know that many unhappy scenes in our sumptuous apartment you know like the domestic violence stuff is there you know and it's just subtle you know he doesn't say one night I threw the pots and pans all over the place you know and that was my experience growing up you know when my father went back to drinking my mother the good Ellen on that she was said things like he wasn't that bad oh my god it's like I guess you forgot the VCRs that would go flying across the house when you'd come home annoyed that the kids were still up you know what I mean like this wasn't bad you know it was just a little too much sometimes he didn't know when to stop he overdid it blah blah all that crap and you know I identify with the remonstrances of my friends terminating in a row and I became a lone wolf because eventually it got to the point where nobody wanted to drink with me because there was always trouble that went with it, you know. And not necessarily big trouble, but enough trouble where, like, maybe they have to save me from getting beaten up or they'd have to get into a fight because of my mouth or maybe I'd be hitting on their girlfriend, you Know, or maybe i'd steal something and they were pissed about it. You know, those types of things. And eventually it got to the point where they were like, or I'd find in the party they didn't want me to know, you Now. And then I'd Be There and, like some people were happy because that was a good time for a while but then like the people who knew how the night was going to end were just like I mean find it here man you know and their thing was always like hey man when are you leaving you know and so that whole thing of like the drinking like all night I identify with too you know that cause you don't start out at like 8 o'clock at night thinking you know what I'm gonna drink until 10 o' clock tomorrow morning you know what I mean like oh that's your plan sounds like a great plan don't you have to work I'll go into 12 there's never you know What I Mean there's Never That Plan Who Plans That Nobody nobody with a job plans that that's for sure you know so it's amazing how that just starts to flow and then it starts to become oh he's really talking about me too okay cool in 1929 I contracted golf fever we went at once to the country my wife to applaud while I started out to overtake Walter Hagen liquor caught up with me much faster than I came up behind Walter I began to be jittery in the morning golf permitted drinking every day and every night it was fun to carom around the exclusive course which had inspired such awe in me as a lad I acquired the impeccable coat of tan one sees under the well-to-do the local banker watched me whirl fat checks in and out of his till with amused skepticism. It's a great picture, right? Abruptly in October 1929, hell broke loose on the New York Stock Exchange. After one of those days of inferno, I wobbled from a hotel bar to a brokerage office. It was 8 o'clock. It was eight o'clock and he was already wobbling. But it was because of the stock market. Five hours after the market had closed, The ticker still clattered. I was staring at an inch of tape that bore the inscription XYZ-32. It had been 52 that morning. I was finished, and so were my many friends. The papers reported men jumping to death from the towers of high finance. That disgusted me. I would not jump. I went back to the bar. I'll do it the slow way, right? My friends had dropped several millions since 10 o'clock. So what? Tomorrow was another day. As I drank, the old fierce determination to win came back. Right? You know that feeling, man, like after the ooh-ah-yeah part of it, you know, the ooh, ah, yeah, then it becomes like, then it goes, oh, yeah. You know, that smarmyness that we get that's just like, you know who I am, you feel? and you know there's references throughout here when he says things like my friends have dropped several millions since 10 o'clock so what right so what you know it always reminds me of Ralph Kreb it always reminds me of that you know because if you watch that particular show every episode is about a drunk his scheming idea of how to get rich quick of how like you know the things are right aren't you know It's all about that, right? And that's basically how tons of sitcoms... You know, Isla Lucy was certainly like that. She was a drunk without the drinking. And I always think of that stuff because it's that thinking. You know like, give me a bag of shells. I had it, take it and have it. You know? And I get that because that's how I was. You know what I mean? Try getting me to pay for dinner. Like where are we going? My castle? Alright, I got it. They can only have them two burgers. You know, so I get that. Okay, so that determination. I'm going to, yeah, you know what? They're not going to do it. I'm gonna do it, okay? Next morning I telephoned a friend in Montreal. We had plenty of money left, which is amazing to me. We had 20 million dollars and we had plenty money left on Black Friday, actually Saturday. The Saturday after Black Friday in 1929 they had plenty more money left. so Bill Wilson was actually fairly brilliant had plenty of money had plenty of money left and I thought I had better go to Canada by the following spring we were living in our accustomed style so in 1930 he was still living that high life in the beginning of the depression right I felt like Napoleon and returning from Elba. No St. Helena for me, but Trinity caught up with me again and my generous friend had to let me go. This time we stayed broke. So that's a perfect example of getting that second chance and screwing it up. We went to live with my wife's parents. I found the job. There's a miracle. Then lost it as a result of the brawl with a taxi driver. Mercifully no one could guess that I was to have no real employment for five years and hardly drew a silver breath. My wife began to work in the department store, coming home exhausted to find me drunk. I became an unwelcome hangar owner at brokerage places. Liquor ceased to be a luxury. It became a necessity. Quote-unquote bathtub gin, two bottles a day, and often three, got to be routine. Sometimes a small deal would net me a few hundred dollars and I would pay my bills at the bars and delicatessens. This went on endlessly and I began to waken very early in the morning, shaking violently. A tumbler full of gin followed by a half a dozen bottles of beer would be required if I were to eat any breakfast. Nevertheless, I still thought I could control the situation and there were periods of sobriety which renewed my wife's hopes. Gradually things got worse. The house was taken over by the mortgage holder. My mother-in-law died. My wife and father-in‑law became ill. Both his father-In‑law and brother-In­law were doctors and so the fact that you know he took over this place which was 182 Clinton Street in Brooklyn you know and then he couldn't pay the mortgage anymore and the bank took it over you know like pretty amazing that that went on then I got a promising business opportunity stocks were at a low point in 1932 now here's how brilliant and manipulative an alcoholic including Phil Wilson can be low point in 1934 and I had somehow formed a group to buy I was to share generously in the profits. Then I went on a prodigious bender, and the chance vanished. So here is Bill Wilson in the middle of the depression of the stock market that crashed in 1929. Stocks were at a low, and he managed to get a group of people to invest money in the stock market. Holy crap! That's what, you know, that expression is. He had glass of water, and we're drowning there. I mean, that's who we owe our sobriety to. I mean it's pretty amazing that that's the kind of... I don't know. There aren't too many like that in AA anymore. I woke up. This had to be stopped. I saw I could not take as much as one drink. I was through forever. Before then I had written lots of sweet promises but my wife happily observed that this time I meant business and so I did. He wrote sweet promises in the margins of their family Bible. He would tell Lois to go and check out a particular verse and there would be like a little thing on the side of his promise to not drink and his temperance pledges and those sorts of things in the Bible. Real head game there, huh? Shortly afterward I came home drunk. There had been no fight. Where had been my high resolve? I simply didn't know. It hadn't even come to mind. Someone had pushed a drink my way and I had taken it. Was I crazy? I began to wonder. For such an appalling lack of perspective it seemed near being just that. Renewing my resolve, I tried again. Some time passed and confidence began to replace my top shirtless. I should laugh at the gin mills. Now I had what it takes. One day I walked into a cafe to telephone. In no time I was beating on the bar asking myself how it happened. As the whiskey rose to my head, I told myself I would manage better next time but I might as well get good and drunk then. And I did. I would manage better next time. You know, isn't that what we tell newcomers? You know just don't drink, go to meetings, don't do it. You know? Manage it. Manage you. The remorse, horror and hopelessness Oh, remember that? The doctor talked about that. of the next morning were unforgettable. The courage to do battle was not there my brain raced uncontrollably and I hardly crossed the street lest I collapse and be run down by an early morning truck for it was scarcely daylight. An all-night place supplied me with a dozen glasses of ale. My writhing nerves were stilled at last. A morning paper told me the market had gone to hell again. Well, so had I. The market would recover, but I wouldn't. That was a hard thought. Should I show myself? No, not now. Then a mental fog settled down. Gin would fix that, so two bottles and... Oblivion. We all know Oblivian. We all had, like, summer houses there, right? The mind and body are marvelous mechanisms For mine endured this agony two more years I mean that's a long time You know A long It started in 1920 Okay 1919 He was 22 years old He didn't get sober Until December 11th of 1934 Could you imagine living like that? I couldn't Wow I know I couldn' I was a young man when I quit drinking Right? There's no way I'd be able to do this stuff Okay, I stole from my wife's slender purse. How dare he? I've never done that. Right. When the morning terror and madness were on me, again, I swayed dizzily before the open window of the medicine cabinet where there was poison, cursing myself for a weekling. There were fights from city to country in back, oh gee, graphics, right, as my wife and I sought escape. Then came the night when the physical and mental torture were so hellish I feared I would burst through my window sash and all. somehow I managed to drag a mattress down to the lower floor unless I suddenly leaped a doctor came with a heavy sedative next day found me drinking both gin and sedative for those who want to know what the sedative is it was labrum it's an opium based sedative this combination soon landed me on the rocks, people feared for my sanity so did I, I could eat little or nothing when drinking and I was 40 pounds underweight, I always think that's a great diet right nothing else works my brother-in-law is a physician so you know I'm not lying and through his kindness and that of my mother I was placed in the nationally known hospital for the mental and physical rehabilitation of alcoholics, Towns Hospital as we all know under the so called Belladonna treatment my brain cleared hydrotherapy and mild exercise helped much Belladona was an hallucinogenic drug and it's side effect was that it atrophied the muscle so what it did is it stopped the actual physical shaking by paralyzing it so called belladonna holy mother um okay best of all I met a kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish I had been seriously ill bodily and mentally so of course he's talking about Dr. Silkworth that presented that to him it relieved me somewhat to learn that an alcoholist the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor though it often remains strong in other respects My incredible behavior in the face of desperate desire to stop was explained. Understanding myself now, I fared forth in high hope. For three or four months, the goose hung high. I went to town regularly and even made a little money. Surely this was the answer? Self-knowledge. Yeah. I know I'm an alcoholic. I knew I was an alcoholic long before I was not an alcoholic I was proud of being an alcoholic I'm an Irishman it was a claim to fame it was a rite of passage do not challenge that I'm alcoholic I will punch you in the face right, that was it so that wasn't going to cure my alcoholism knowing that I was just didn't make any sense because you get that all the time I know a guy who says you know I wake up on my big book on my nightstand and every morning I wakeup and I see that book that's his explanation he sees his big book well that's good he could be like you know I don't know a librarian what the hell does that mean I see that book right crazy but it was it was not for the frightful day came when I drank once more well there's a surprise the curve in my declining moral and bodily health fell off like a ski jump that's a pretty cool picture you know that big steep ski jump you know I was in a wide world of sports when that cat, you know, took down a squirrel at the end. Agony to feed, right? But the funny thing was that guy got back up and did it again and landed the next time. Must have been a drunk. Every time I returned to the hospital, this was the finish, the curtain, it seemed to me. My weary and despairing wife was informed that it will all end with heart failure during delirium tremens where I would develop wet brain Perhaps within a year She would soon have to give me over To the undertaker For asylum They did not need to tell me I knew and almost welcomed the idea It was a devastating blow to my pride I, who had thought so well of myself And my abilities Of my capacity to surmount obstacles Was cornered at last Now I had to plunge into the dark Joining the endless procession of socks Who had gone on before I thought of my poor wife There had been much happiness after all What I would not give to make amends but that was over now no words could tell the loneliness and despair I felt in that bitter morass of self-pity quicksand stretched around me in all directions I had met my match, I had been overwhelmed alcohol was my master that's pretty poignant right there because it was mine for sure I've already talked about this it was my Master X absolutely, trembling I stepped from the hospital a broken man oh here's one of my favorite parts fear sobered me for a while you know that you hear in the meetings I'm afraid of drinking I'm scared of alcohol oh god no way man then came the insidious insanity of that first drink on Armistice Day 1934 and I was off again everyone became resigned to the certainty that I would have to be shut up somewhere or I would stumble along to the miserable end how dark it is before the dawn me. In reality, that was the beginning of my last debauch. I was soon to be catapulted in what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence. I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness in a way of life that was incredibly more wonderful as time passes. So now he's teasing us. Really? You were that bad? What are you talking about? Oh, it's in the book! Near the end of that bleak November, I sat drinking in my kitchen. With a certain satisfaction, I reflected there was an object concealed about the house to carry me through the night, and the next day my wife was at work. I wondered whether I dare hide a full bottle of gin near the head of our bed. I would need it before daylight. My musing was interrupted by the telephone. The cheery voice of an old school friend asked if he might come over. And there's those italics, right? He was sober. It was years since I could remember him coming to New York in that condition. I was amazed. Rumor had it that he had been committed for alcoholic insanity. I wondered how he escaped Of course we would have dinner And then I could drink openly with him Unmindful of his welfare I thought only of recapturing the spirit of other days There was that time we had chartered An airplane to a complete jag His coming was an oasis In the dreary desert of futility The very thing, an oasist Drinkers are like that They stole an airplane I know Steve F. from Baltimore, he stole an airline It's in the story. He loves to, like, how do you steal an airplane? I want to meet those guys. The door opened and he stood there, fresh-skinned and glowing. There was something about his eyes. He was inexplicably different. What had happened? I pushed a drink across the table. He refused it. Disappointed but curious, I wondered what got into this fellow. He wasn't himself. Come, what's all this about, I queried. He looked straight at me, simply but smilingly. He said, I've got religion. I'm so jazzed. So that was it. Last summer an alcoholic crackpot, now I suspected a little crack about religion. He had that starry-eyed look. Yes, the old boy was on fire all right, but bless his heart, let him rant. Besides, my gin would last longer than his preaching. I love that sentence because nobody's gin has outlasted my virgin it hasn't it's just that that's really cool right there right you know because that right there and my experience goes against that you know they'll get you drunk quicker than you'll get them sober really? no guess there's no God over there huh you know and I'm that guy too I don't know how heavy he was you know like the guy who's against it all and completely you know now I'm a God guy I mean it's really that simple I'm not a God I'm God guy it's about God and that's it you know so in a certain way I have religion but that's the answer to me it's all about God good bad indifferent it's life God it's in my life so when people ask well how do you do that well God is the answer always. It's always the answer. God. And people are like, no, that's not it. I'm like, alright, well, go ask someone else then. Well, I'm going to have a drink. Okay, I'll be sitting over here talking to you about God. That's what I do, right? But he did no ranting. In a matter of fact way, he told how two men had appeared in court persuading the judge to suspend his commitment. And as I told you last week, it was Roland Hazard and Fitzmayor. They had told him a simple religious idea and a practical program of action. That was two months ago, and the result was self-evident. It worked. He'd come to pass the experience along to me if I would have it, if I cared to have it. I was shocked but interested. Certainly I was interested. I had to be. So I was hopeless. And there it is again, hopeless. That's what we need to do with people who are walking through the door of AA. They need to be hopeless. Because if they come in with ideas, and they come out with hope that they can still do things and change AA and add what they've learned to AA, They're coming out of their rehab and say, I got it. And they're going to teach us? They're goingto teach us. You know, kind of how like Bill Wilson thought he was going to teach the people who knew more about finance than he did? Well, we're the people who know more about recovery than the people who are walking through the door. Okay, so we need to let them know it's okay that you have those ideas. We have them too. Okay, but guess what? It didn't work. If your way still works, you wouldn't need AA. I know that was true for me. I'm 22 years old I need an AA my master plan of life brought me right here so like you know okay and here's one thing that jumped out at me he talked for hours is the next sentence he talks for hours he talked for hours we don't talk for hours anymore you know maybe 10-15 minutes you know for a couple cigarettes after a meeting maybe maybe a cup of coffee but we usually toss somebody a meeting book with phone numbers on it Say, keep coming back. Right? Like, what happened to that? Like, I'm almost always one of the last people in the parking lot. Because, you know, this jumps out at me. He talked for hours. You know, and then because, well, what could you possibly talk about for hours? I'm busy. I'm busier. I've got things to do. Well, where were you before you got sober? Did you have things to be done? I love participating in my own recovery. You know? He talked For Hours. He talked for hours. Four words. He talked four hours. It just blows my mind every time. Wow. He talked hours. I mean, how many times do we sit in meetings and we get uncomfortable and our ass starts to hurt? You know, we're like, oh my God, shut up already. Right? You know what I'm saying. Your ass hurts now, right? You know? So it becomes this thing of like, wow, you know, I'm like, God is it. That's it, right? Childhood memories rose before me. I could almost hear the sound of the preacher's voice as I sat on still Sunday way over there on the hillside. There was a proper temperance pledge I never signed. My grandfather's good-natured contempt of some church folk and their newies. His insistence that the Spears really had their music, but his denial of the creature's right to tell him he must listen. His fearlessness as he spoke of these things just before he died. These recollections welled up from the past. They made me swallow hard. That wartime day in old Winchester Cathedral came back. So he's having a spiritual awakening, a spiritual experience, while his friend talked for hours about God and His recovery. That's what he's telling us, right? I had always believed in a power greater than myself, but I had often pondered these things. I was not an atheist. Few people really are. But that means blind faith in the strange proposition that this universe originated in a cypher and aimlessly rushes nowhere. My intellectual heroes, the chemists and the astronomers, even the evolutionists suggest vast laws and forces at work. Despite contrary indications, I had little doubt that a mighty purpose and rhythm underlay all. How could there be so much of precise and immutable law and no intelligence? I simply had to believe in the spirit of the universe who knew neither time nor limitation. But that's as far as I've gone. Because it isn't about as far as I have gone too. wasn't some dude with long hair cruising around with 12 guys for me but that's what they told me I was like, that's some guy it didn't make sense to me with ministers in the world of religions I parted right there when they talked of a God personal to me who was love superhuman strength and direction I became irritated and my mind snapped shut against such a theory anybody identify with that? to Christ I conceded the certainty of a great man not too closely followed by those who claimed him his moral teaching most excellent for myself I had adopted those parts which seemed convenient and not too difficult the rest I disregarded which is why we have AA because he was part of the Christian group the Oxford group right uh the wars which had been fought the burnings in the chicanery of religious dispute had facilitated made me sick I honestly doubted whether on balance the religions of mankind had done any good judging from what I had seen in Europe and since the power of God in human affairs was negligible. The brotherhood of man? A grim jest. If there was a devil, he seemed the boss universal and he certainly had me. Anybody else? Had me? For sure. I was certainly a denizen of him. It or whatever. But my friend sat before me. He made the point-like declaration that God had done for him what he could not do for himself. His human will had failed doctors had pronounced him incurable society was about to lock him up like myself he had admitted complete defeat then he had an effect had been raised from the dead suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he has ever known wow that was my experience for sure when I said when the words I'm going to die came out of my mouth it was that experience It was that, oh, wow, I get a quick drink in? Because that's what that meant. Right? And, you know, I've told you some of this. I keep telling you about my life as it unfolds. But like there it was. Doctors are pronounced to be incurable. And how many times can we sit in these rooms and we hear things like, are you a doctor? Right? But no. Doctor could tell you, listen, yes, I know you're an alcoholic, but take this for your anxiety. Okay? So, unfortunately, get through the entire chapter and you know I want to give you time to ask questions or comment or argue or whatever it is that we do and you know I'll continue with it next week I mean I'll be here all year you know so that's it for this week so I'll end there thank you so we got about five minutes left to take so we just got a couple more comments Thank you.