Building a New Character – Women’s Book Study – Part 2 of 13 – Bob A.

You're here right now, and you've got a mind. You've got a mind that's going now. And your mind is going, and it's telling you something. It's self-talking. It's telling you what you hear you don't want to hear. It'm telling you you should be somewhere else. It's tellin' you anything and everything, because it speaks with the authority. And when it speaks with the authority, it's the authority to say, it's good, bad, it should be another way, said it this way. Self-talking is what I used when I was completely in control to regulate my life, how good it is and how bad it is. If my mind told me it's good, it was okay. If it told me that it's bad, it's okay. But self-talkin' is where I go for information. Self-taucin'is what I use no matter what I'm doing. It'll show me pleasures or it'll show me hardships it doesn't mean no difference self-talking is when I say things should be different and I get upset because they're not different maybe that freeway is too long so talk it tells me this is a drag man and then they start getting upset because I told myself we're taking too long a time it becomes the authority for my life but yeah it comes out better in step two and as far as not doing it there's no way possible I know how not do it without the program recovery I can't tell myself not to do it because I don't have the authority to say that by the authority I'm talking about is my life where I live where all the information is this is where the disease lies by the way okay this probably will be answered in step two as well that is what do you do when you find yourself self-talking well that's and that's the same thing again about the purpose of the steps. They're in a logical order form. There's 12 of them, and we'll get into them, we'll find out that each one of them have a purpose, and the purpose they have is building a new character. Not modifying the old character, but building a New Character, because it's going to be built on principles, where the old character... See, you can mean well, you could study this, and you think in terms that now you've got this information here, you're going to have it made. Try it and see if it happens that way. Because it can't. The same authority, the same mind, the same disease, the same power is still in control. And when it's in control, it can do no more than what it can do. And what it could do brought you here. If you want to keep using it, then you're gonna have to stay where you're at all the time. That's why you keep repeating a performance. Your yesterdays are always your tomorrows if you don't change. And this is the purpose of a retreat, is to learn. How did this start? How did it really start? Did it start the first time you took a drink when it made you so good, made the room spin and make everybody perfect? Didn't start then. Maybe your drinking started then, but this here disease didn't start. Why do you forbid profanity and what does it include? Well, you know, the only reason why on that profanity is that, first I'll give an example. I had been sober some years, over 20-some years. I had a baby, and he's a cowboy, a great big guy, a big tough guy. I was in Denver, Colorado, and I did two meetings there on a Monday and a Friday. and this was a men's meeting, all men and after the meeting this guy came up to me and he said to me you know, he said you ruined a good meeting you upset me he says what kind of a Godhead do you have in your life that allows you to use that bar room language here in front of me why do I have to listen to your words like that I come here to find a good way of life, a different way of live. And he said, what business have you got ruining this meeting, speaking like that? You know, and he floored me because he was a man. And I was used to hanging around with men and we talked like that and we are like that. And I never thought I could hurt another man. I never though I could. And I thanked him for it. And ever since that time, that was probably way back in 73 or out there someplace. And I thank them for it And I've been trying my best, very, very best, not to swear, not to use language that offends people. Because I don't know who you are out there. I don'T know where these tapes go. I DON'T know what's going on in their lives, whoever they are when they read that and stuff like that. And so I looked at it on my side of the fence. And since that time, there's been so many tapes that have been copied. And I have edited them. And the reason I had them, because there's certain words in there that you can't let go. You just can't. It might be some kid. It might somebody that's offended in some way or another by a language that came from the bars, because that's all I ever knew. I ran with women. I ran without a motorcycle crowd. These people were tough people. Believe me. These were tough People. The language they used is the language I use. but here at Alcoholics Anonymous how come that any one of us have to use the same language that would hurt or offend people I come here to learn how to unconditionally love people all people any people I don't care who you are I don' t hate you I don''t think in terms about you at all I don´t judge you criticize you I don ´t remember your behavior I don ''t even consider it and yet though why couldn't it be like this so that no matter what's said it might be helping someone someplace, maybe in a church maybe in an hospital, maybe in jail, maybe somewhere I don't know where. So why not have it that way instead of the other way The other way I know for sure is the way I used to live all the time and I don' t live like that anymore If that offends anybody say what you will, I'll cut it out anyway What does it include? Anything at all that would be considered profanity in anybody's language. I think almost all of us can say things that you know what I'm talking about. I think so. It's up to you. It's okay if you say it. If you do, I'm going to cut it out anyway. Do you believe we have a disease of the body, mind and spirit? You know that's a real good question I haven't heard it for a long, long time In Alcoholics Anonymous the purpose of this here book here was put on this here earth by God, I know this because of what happened, how it happened and what's going on. In step one in step one it talks in here that we have a disease of a two-fold nature. It's a mental obsession with a physical allergy. Now I'll agree with anybody at all about this but it's not there yet. It will be there. It will be there in the third step pronounced in the first step but it is not there for any alcoholic coming here because of what it says. It says I have a disease of a two-fold nature. It's a mental obsession. It's the physical allergy. That's all. So don't bring anything else into the picture unless you yourself personally want to bring it in for your own life. But to transmit a message that's not there, I don't think it's right because in the first place if you would have told me that I had to have a God in my life before I could even come to AA I would have still been out there or dead somewhere because I was against the word there was nothing wrong with me except I got drunk as far as a spiritual life I know nothing of it I don't live with it I don' t talk to people that talk that way I run with people that talk the opposite and so you see if you hit me with three things now I know religion wants to do this I know there's some other 12 step programs that want to do this but I'll show you right here. It's in step one. We're going to get into it pretty soon. Tomorrow we'll get into this. And the reason it has to be this way is because, you see, when Bill, even when he wrote the steps, and he wrote all of this, and what he was writing, he was writing so that there was no loopholes. Nobody could wiggle out. Nobody. Everything in here has been gone through in the past tense. Everything. For you to come in here and say, this here doesn't work because of this. You can't say it. Show me that in writing. Show me where you say it says something that's wrong. You can do it. You came. I came because of what happened to me. I came here. I didn't have nothing wrong with me except the disease of the mind and the allergy of the body. That's all that's going on with me. as far as I was concerned. And that allowed me to come to Alcoholics Anonymous, that allowed my mind to open up to my sponsor anyway, even if I wouldn't have opened it up to you. But for a lot of Alkies, I know this is true, they want to say this is a three-fold disease. Now it might be three- fold to you, and if it's a personal thing, keep it, it's okay, there's no quarrel. But to preach it, there is a quarrel, because what it says in here, I have a disease of a two-fold nature it's a mental obsession a physical allergy you see I knew it myself that this here business now these words we'll get to these words now and they're going to become important because all of these words in here they are not words this is a way of life this is going to be something that is not a novel you don't read this and close the cover and put it away and that's the end of it this is exactly what it's supposed to be a textbook this is a book it's going to teach me it's gonna show me it's gunna help me do something that I don't know how to do but I can do it provided that I use this what's in here and that's what I'll talk about because you know I don' t know you guys a textbook to me a textbook is like all the mechanical books that I've studied for years years and years ago there'd be certain things in there I know nothing of because it's brand new but the textbook tells me here's what you do how you take it apart this is what you look for to see what's wrong this is how you test it this is why you put it together that's a textbook that's not something I read then I throw it away like that maybe six months from now I might get another one just like that one forgot what it said open the book up again there it is tells me exactly what to do and do it right Have you ever lost faith even for a while in your higher power? You know losing faith in your high power that will happen I know it will happen because it has happened to me but losing faith one way and losing it the way I used to lose things was another way there's a lot of times I lost maybe a moment or two I lost it maybe an hour and what I lost is I lost the assurance that God was with me taking care of me I lost my mind I lost assurance that I was frightened I was afraid something was going on I was getting too big to handle it seemed like the end of the world was coming there was a there was time some of you guys know Richard the actor that comes around and then there was this other guy Walter, some of ya might know Walter he was there in the room and I was in bed and the doctor came in and when he came in he seen Richard and he got all shook up because he'd just seen him on TV and he blurted out to me that I was going to die and that I didn't have a chance to live and so he did it in front of these two guys and it was an hour or two, probably two hours you know when it was all talked about and everything else there wasn't much going on for me and that is losing faith that is because I was running scared I was getting frightened and I was thinking thoughts of my two daughters and thinking different kind of thoughts because he said I won't live I'm going to die so this was in the next morning too this wasn't six months from now and so that happened then he came back later the next day and he apologized for saying what he did say the way he said it but Richard shook him up so bad he went and said something and he said it too severe but to lose faith no way, I'm just not going to do it the reason I'm not going to do is we'll talk about it what it is, it's in step three and it's about it's a it's all about having something the day you're in so this something that the day you're on is always there it never leaves you it's constant, it' consistent and it isn't something that I'm walking around all day long praying, praying, everywhere I go I pray it isn't nothing like that but we'll get into that too later but it has to be looked at for what it is there is such a thing here now called synonymous as a third thing that's necessary but not in the admission zone in step three there is something wrong with me and that has to come from step three so the disease of alcoholism is still two-fold nature a mental obsession, a physical allergy and that's the end of that did you say it was important to look at your behavior before drinking alcohol or just from the time drinking began, if so why no the only thing I said or meant or meant to say maybe I said it wrong is the fact that is that I had to find out how I got this way and when I had to find out how I got this way was when I was sober in Alcoholics Anonymous now while I was building a character by drinking living the life I was in I wasn't born an alcoholic I didn't get this way overnight I got this way through a period of living and as I lived I started to add more alcohol to my life because it was associated with my life that's when the disease as far as what the disease is started there is such a thing a long time ago they used to talk about the invisible line maybe some of you have heard of the invisible line that we used to cross over that was way back when I was was there my sponsor this invisible line is the line that I cross where I lose the power of choice the power of choice is taken away from me there's no way that the alcoholism is in me and it's there for what it is a disease, a power a mind disease and so to actually know when I crossed over the line I don't know, I couldn't tell you and I can tell you when certain things happen but who would know that all of a sudden I needed to drink I needed a drink to go to work I needed the drink at home so I could go to war I couldnít go to world without it at home you. What did the taker mean? Well, you know, that's something you can really talk about this because taker is a person I was a long time ago and I still could be that person today. A taker. I was only a taker, never a giver. I was a takter. Everything in the world, me first. I must have mine, whatever that is now. That doesn't mean, you know, that could mean anything. It meant women, it meant fun, it means parties, it meant bosses, it mean jobs, it meant stealing, abusing people, setting them up so I can take an advantage of them. I'm a taker. I take from people. I use people. I set you up. I wear faces. I'll wear a face for everybody in here, but it's a different face for each one of you because I'm going to do something. But I've got to do it. I have to win you over and I have the power and I've to set you out. And then after I set me up, I get what I want. That's a takers. A taker is always out looking for self. And this here, believe me, to find these things out, you have to learn like I had to learn from my sponsor. The first thing he taught me, this is way before steps. He taught me I have to learning about self-honesty. I must learn about self honesty. Now self honesty is a hard, hard thing to learn about. But I had learned about self honesty and I had learn that I can't tell a lie. He told me, don't you ever tell me a lie. He'd take that finger and point it at my nose. Don't you ever tell be a lie! I'm the expert, you ain't. Let's get off on a ground foot. Right from the ground up. Let us be honest with each other. And this was a requirement. It had to be that way. He started me off also that I had to give 100% of what I had in the day I'm in. Now 100% isn't a hundred percent of a hundred percent. A hundred percent is a hundred percent of what I have. Whatever I have, give it all. Give my best shot. But he said that's going to become a way of life. That's not for today. That' s for your life. That's for this day, today, this day. Now, now, give the best shot you got. Be as self-honest as you can be with yourself. Go for it the best that you could go for today, this day and that was the rules that he set down for me because I didn't know then he set out rules first things first still holds true today right today this day today first things first he said it's going to become a way of life back then first things first back then he had to put me in a hospital Elky Hospital he paid my bill they got me sober they took me out of the hospital he paid my rent he took me over to work I got a job I didn't get my job back but I got a job and then these were first things first what's the first things first when you wake up in the morning each and every one of us now each and everyone what's your major problem what is the thing that's bothering you the most what is it things that are going on in your life that causes your life to be unmanageable look at it be real self honest is it a job is it money is it relationship? Is it something that you have to do in a day you're in? You've been putting off. First things first, there's always a priority for one thing to be ahead of all things and then other things follow in the order form they're in. I found out I could get a productive life that way. I found that I could have a day where the day was a good day because there was so much being done when before hardly anything was done because too many things would come up and I didn't want to do them or I did them half and I did not feel like doing them the way I should do them I did give them 100% of what I had I did a little bit that is about all I will do I had to learn that this is character building this has set me up now in the day I am in me, individually me so that I can have something now because what good would the 12 steps be if I go into 12 steps with an attitude that I had over here that never was looked at never corrected You see, that's why I did the steps and couldn't do them. That's why i did steps in the first time by numbers I had steps in my life But that's all I had. I tried to regulate them. I try to put them out there I said this is needed here and I tried it through that I had I had no idea what alcoholics anonymous was about. I hadno idea And this man was showing me a way of life He told me that i'll give you everything I have he said besides what you can have just imagine how much that is that's all of his life plus what I can acquire out of my life can you imagine that he was telling me something that I didn't even see the value of it I didn'y even see it I didn''t even recognize it he saved my life he put me in an alky hospital he paid my bills he paid the hospital bill he gave me everything there is to give me with nothing in return Not a thing. Not a thing. He even gave me $500 bills, five $100 bills one time. That was in March of 1953. I had a wife that was an asthmatic and I had to get her out of Cleveland, Ohio and bring her out here and I was broke. He said if you get it back, give it back. We don't forget it. He gave me five $100 bills, 1953 in March. Can you imagine 1953 how much $500 is? That's a lot of money. And so you see, this was a man that, he gave me my life and I knew it. He showed me and showed me many, many things. And I've never forgotten it. But see,this is what Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. This is what it means on page 17 here. We have a way out which we can absolutely agree upon with brotherly and harmonious action. What's brotherly in harmonious actions? Sitting in meetings criticizing you, sitting in meetings delving into your personal life, thinking that you're doing something wrong. Don't like you because you're dealing with something that doesn't agree with me. That's the way I used to live. That's a disease talking to me. I can't accept you for who you are. I can today, certainly I can. But I had to learn how to do this and I couldn't do it by myself. And I couldn' t do it just to do it. It had to be something happened. and what had to happen exactly is what I come here to Alcoholics Anonymous for. This is a far cry from just being sober. This is far cry from just going to meetings. Leave a meeting and then bad mouth your neighbor. Bad mouth somebody because their life just doesn't look good to you. This is the story of all alcoholics with alcoholism not being treated. When it's treated, it's not there. It don't need to be there. It doesn't have to be. It doesn' t have to b e there. But this life, why not learn ahead of time, right now? I've been talking this long, whatever I've been saying. Why not learn a little bit about it? At least look at it. At least see if it's possible. See if some of this isn't some of the way you think. Why not have all that you can have in the day you're in? If God keeps offering it to you, why not have it? It's there. It's an entirety. It's a way of life. it's a spiritual life it's growing spiritually right now I need right now more than I needed a minute ago if you don't know it I know it but that comes from the relationship with God that comes because of the fact of what it is it's the mind that isn't mine there is a power that's greater than me and this power that's great that's better than me is the power that I use for my life I think with it I act with it and this doesn't make me an angel I'm not trying to walk on water. I'm Not Trying To Say Anything To You To Make You Think And Press You Of Me There's Nothing There To Be Oppressed By I've Got The Same Damn Disease You Do But This Disease I Have Happens To Be Treated And The Reason It's Treated Is Because I'm An Individual I Want This Disease Treated I Want A Relationship With God I Want To Have All That God Wants To Give Me In The Day That I'm In How Could I Possibly Have That If I'm With Me if I'm out there in the world out there picking it apart finding fault with it that's God's world, that isn't my world out there why can't I have it I can't, but first I must be shown, I've got to be shown because nobody would ever show me me I don't know if you ever looked at you I don' t know because I couldn't look at me I had no way of looking at me how could I look at m e I don''t see anything wrong with me I just do the best I can do period. See, there's a lot wrong with me. There's a lot wrong that could be corrected too because this is exactly why there's 12 steps. The program of recovery is certainly not this meeting, not this retreat. This is essential, this is needed desperately, badly needed but this does not treat alcoholism. What treats alcoholism is the program recovery of 12-step application that's what we'll talk about see we'll talk the best we can we'll try to expose the most weekend we'll try to see if what's there is something that you can use something that you could see with your mind not your eyes and this will give you a chance maybe where before maybe you didn't have that chance I know I didn't have it I did things in the day I was in because I was the power if I didn t do it nobody did it so I had to do it and when I had to do what I did the same thing I always did me I did me again and me could never see me I can see you I could find fault with you all the time but I can't find fault with me because I can take a detached view of me I guess that pop and look back and see me that's impossible we have so much offered to us here in I'll call it synonymous. There's a world here. There's this world. You have to go for it. And go for It means exactly what I'm saying. A long time ago, I didn't know what was the matter with me and I was going to meetings. I was with everybody and I'd been around a long time. But my life wasn't important to me. My living was important. That's always important. Big cars and all this kind of stuff. That was important but my life, my life inside me the way I think, live what goes on in my mind that wasn't important that just wasn't importante there came a day it was important and when it became important I was not going to throw away something that God kept offering me all the time but I couldn't see it I didn't know it I had to do it by trial and error I had take this book I took the sermon on the mount I studied, I studied I studied, I studied. But I studied for me. I didn't study for you because I had to have something and I never knew what it was. I went for a long time thinking in terms that I'm going to get there eventually. Someday I'm gonna be a winner. Someday, someday never happened that way. My living got good but my mind stayed the same. If you don't think so, check your track record on it. Check your own. See how your mind treats you. see if your mind can tell you things that will hurt you just like nobody's business and you'll still tell yourself the same thing this is something to consider this is the disease of alcoholism this is the thing that I had to drink over this is a thing that made the world I was in a world I couldn't be in and when I got sober I still couldn't be in the world because I still had the same mind it was still equipped to go do the same damn thing and it did exactly that how much of this now you see there's so many areas you can go into you really can because each of us have a track record you can't go into it in markets you can get going with your own children you can do it with your parents you can win with memories of going backwards way way back way back and you can use these things in your mind today. And when you do these things in your life, in your heart today, they hurt you because they rob you of today's life. They rob you. Maybe God says, I want something else besides that there, but you won't let God do that though. You put what you're going to put there. This is what I had to learn that I'm the captain of my ship really. I'm The One That Steers This Thing. They might down in a hole, might do the work down the hole to make it go but I'm still staring at it and I found out my life is like that too because of my thoughts I can entertain thoughts today that man, I'll tell you I have no reason to do it they're harmful thoughts they're dirty thoughts they're all kinds of thoughts all I have to do is just give them energy and there they are just like they've always been there these are things that I believe should be talked about. Why? Because for years ago, nobody, nobody, nobody at meetings anywhere would talk about these things. They would always talk about things that went by. They'd talk about the drunken things, the harmful things, the things of yesterday. Hell, man, I want to learn how to live today. Man, I've got to live today is my life today. Today is the day I get hurt. Today is a day that I get hurt, but my own mind. It just goes on and on. So why not learn that there can be and there is a way? A long time ago I found out if I gave a little, I got a little. But if I gave you a lot, I've got a lot. And what I mean by that is I've dedicated my life, and I'll call it synonymous, some of you guys know me, and I've dedicating my life to my life and God for a lot of years, over 30 years. But you see, to do that though, it meant that my life is important to me. I'm here for me. I am not here for you. If you can benefit from it, fine. I'll help you in any way I could possibly help you. But, you see I can't do something for you and you can't do something for me you can't it's impossible so why can't we do it together we can that's exactly what I'm talking about everything that I've ever learned that alcoholics anonymous everything that God has given me and taught me I could take it with me and I could take you with me to the same way but if you don't go for it you can have it because I found out God will never do anything for you, you won't let them. This is true. This is true for every one of us. But so it's up to you. It's like it's up to me. I want this here way of life and I went for it this many years and I still go. And the reason I go is because it is my life. I've been given such an opportunity. I've been given a gift from God years and years ago. The gift he gives me is only for me. And I knew that. And this is even talked about in this book right here since step 12. It talks about a gift, about we've been given a free gift. This is much more than a free gift. This is an undeserved gift. It's an undeserving gift today from God. Something that I haven't qualified for, but He still gives it to me anyway. This ist important to know because this is exactly if I can have it, why can't you have it? It's for all of us. It' written collectively. It's written for everyone. Everyone doesn't make no difference who you are. The disease of alcoholism is what this is about. You know, when Dr. Bob and Bill Wilson got together, when they got together on June 10th of 1935, you know, before that, the record they had was only 2% recovery from alcoholism. 2%. That meant churches, psychiatry, jails, to name it. That meant that 98% of all alcoholics had to die or go insane. Can you imagine that? Today, I don't know what the record is today and I wouldn't even care to know what it is. But I do know the message. If this message is delivered, I know for sure you can have what God wants you to have. The message that I talk about is always about the program recovery, 12 steps. That's the message program recovery how do we do it on time? 9.25 9.24 can we do more questions? sure you know we might as well run this if it's the first night we ought to run it for the full two hours and if you want to run longer you can run longer too your reason you know when I do the mother retreats up there is that we set a time and what we do is set the eight to ten time but then up there it's a little bit different here they got a mess all up there in the kitchen up there so everybody goes out there and they get ice cream and pie and cake and then we have another meeting there okay here's another example question why would I build myself this way why would I build myself this way Well, why will I... Well, I don't know which way to take it. Which way? This way or this way? The old way. Why would I build it? Referring to the... The disease? The disease. Building in the old life. Like, why would you... Build a character. Why did I build myself this way in developing the disease of alcoholism out there? Well, in the beginning what I was talking about is that I lived in a world I couldn't live in. The reason I couldn'T live in this world, there was too many things that I wanted that I couldn' t have. There was too much going on that I thought that I should have more of or I should be like you or if you had something more than me, I didn' t like you. I started to go ahead and work. And as I worked, I found out that I had to have more than whatever I could buy. Now, I had TO learn how TO steal. Steal means I steal time, even. Steal off the time clock. Could mean steal possessions, could sell things. The life that I had at that time, nothing could please me. Everything I got at that times wasn't good enough. It wasn't enough. I'd get a girl. She wasn't going to do it. There was another girl who looked better, so I'd give her. And I'd throw one away. My life was always unsatisfied. It was always going somewhere, but where it was going is not where I wanted to go. I've seen too many people having fun. I wanted them to have fun. I wanted the goal exactly, especially bars, when I found out about bars. I found that about bars you can live in a bar and you could be so happy in there. Everything is perfect. Everybody's your friend. And you could tell stories and you can be a doctor, a lawyer, an Indian chief. Nobody cares. Everybody's agreeable. And you're having a ball. And I didn't wake up with hangovers then. Man, that was the beginning. I went into alcoholism like anybody else does. I went in maybe a Friday night. Maybe a Friday-Saturday night. Maybe a Saturday-Sunday night. Then it kept going and going. And as it was going, I was living in a world now. And the world I lived in, it had some bad repercussions on then, but it was a good world. Because every time I drank, Seems to be that every time I drank, I lived in another world. The world I live in now was a world I wanted to live in. It was full of everything I thought I needed and what I thought I wanted at the time. I started drinking young. I guess everybody does. But I was going in bars when I was only 15 years old. I was ordering shot beers. Nobody ever kicked me out. Nobody says you're too young. I started looking at life differently. I started having more fun. and as I did this I started to make a paycheck I started buying motorcycles I started living in the world I was in and it was a good world it was fast world it was the world that I liked I enjoyed this world and so this year to get this way I believe to get it this way it took a lot of work I know it did it took alot of money it took alot of time I turned into a person I turned in to blackout I lived in blackouts. I'd go in blackout three days. I'd come to work, you'd work and I wouldn't even know where I was for the last three days I didn't know where my car was my motorcycle was I didn' t know where my wife was everything was just it was absolute chaos all the time but you see there was something about the alcohol I had to have alcohol I had a drink and it was necessary for me to drink I had learned how to drink to keep drinks at home to go to work on even so that I could function at work. All of the life that I had, I woke up in so many hospitals, I can tell you about so many accidents where I got broken ankle, broke both my ankles at the same time. I split my skull open, I don't know how many times. I've lived a dirty, tough life out there and it was still a life that I wanted to live. It was a life I lived. I didn't think anything wrong with it. I wanted more of it because I went right back to it. every time. And so this here was a mind functioning. This was what was happening to my mind. My mind was being injured. Now, being injured is something you must look at. And I believe you should look at it now before the steps. Because when you get in the steps, it's going to talk about that. And it's gonna talk about a mind function that I use. My mind is aberrated. injured. There's something wrong with my mind. It's perverse. Now stop and think about this. This is way before I became a fallen down drunk. My mind is perverse instead of it being over here, I'm over here every damn time. I'm always trying to do something my way and it's always the way I want it, but it shouldn't be that way. And I'm not perverse about one or two things. Everything I look at is perverse. And this was part of my disease and I didn't even know it. This was part why the world I was in, is a world I couldn't be in. Because it wasn't the world, it was the world that looked at. When I looked at it, I looked at it out of my eyes, my mind. I wanted it different. I want you, especially you to behave different. Man, I wanted you to be somebody different. And when you weren't, I sure didn't like you at all. And I wasn't drunk. So how could all of these things that I'm talking about be in each one of us? They're in there. And if you don't think so, start listening to some inventories besides your own and see that the disease of alcoholism is a mind-functioning disease but it's a power. You must put that word power in there because it isn't something just like a disease. You've got a disease and it's a disease this is the disease that will kill you it will control you it will turn the world upside down it will hurt the best person you love and you'll hurt that person and you're and you do damage every time you can't stop it. Explain God does for you what you cannot do for yourself. The things that we're going to talk about now, and it's going to be about the reason I come to Alcoholics Anonymous. If it was just the idea of coming to Alcoholic Anonymous so that you just could stay sober, so thatyou just didn't have to drink, that would be one thing. Because what it would be, would be alcohol wasn't. Because once it gets treated, it's gone, it' s gone. that's not there I found out that the disease of alcoholism is a mind power disease like I told you and being a mind power disease is that I don't have a chance because of the fact that what this book here says on page 45 and what it's talking here it's talking here about lack of power it says lack of power is my dilemma but how was I to find this power that's what this book is about to enable me to find the power which will solve my problem and then it says we're going to start talking about God well way before this now way before I had to learn that there has to be some kind some kind of an identity some kind but an offering something to talk about I had a sponsor that was a step man and a god man he talked of nothing but the grace of God for the time he put me in at Alki Hospital. He took me out of there. All I ever heard from him was, there go I but for the grace of God. And I didn't know what that meant. And he talked to me. Now the first night they took me off the cooler. The cooler is where they strap you down on the bed to screw to the floor and you're spread-eagled out. And they put me in a private room because they don't put the first timers with repeaters. And so when he was leaving, he told me to have faith. AndI don't even know what he means by faith. I have no idea. Andhe said have faith that that exit sign will burn the rest of the night. And he left, and that was what he left. As I started to go to Alcoi Synonymous for two and a half years, I would not say the Lord's prayer. I wouldn't say it. We'd close the meetings up at the receipt of their hold hands and every other thing. You ain't going to hear nothing out of me. I'm not going to say it, I'm just not going to see it. I don't want it,I don't want no part of it. The life I come from and everything about me was always about me. And there was nobody ever, ever talked about God. These people I ran with, they didn't speak that way. So two and a half years, I tried to do my thing in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I couldn't do my things because I was in trouble all the time. I was still having the same problems all the times. I met a man up there in San Fernando, and this man talked about his life. And I asked him why he was so different. Because he was different. And every Friday night at the Stag meeting, he would be there. And when he talked, he talked good. When he talked he talked about good things. He talked about his wife, his kids. He talked abut going on vacations and what great fun they had and stuff like that. All I can talk about is the freeway and about having to fight somebody to knock them down out there. And this kind of life that I had then was the same life I know. That's all it was. It was a repeat performance, you know. You do everything the same way. and there came a time I had to find something have something and I asked this man how to do it he talked to me about about a God that he had in his life now I've been in AA a long time now I've bee in AA over two and a half years so as he talked to me about it I tried exactly what he said he talked he told me he said why don't you call him by name I said what do you got call him God I called him God ask him to help you he said where's your trouble I said at work Because at work I was angry and hostile all the time. I was always fighting somebody. And so I started using it at work. And the only thing I did at work, I walked around work and I asked by my watch, it's been ten minutes since I talked to you, God, would you help me? I'm angry and I'm hostile. I just kept it up. Whenever I could, whenever I could think of it, it was a hit and miss deal. Now and then, some days I probably said it, some daysI probably didn't. But something was happening. See, what was happening is because the other guys that I was with all the time, they wouldn't even go to coffee and donuts with me or anything like that. So they said, Anderson, you going to church? And I said, no. And they said well something's happening to you. Well what was taking place was that my mind was opening up. It started to open up. Instead of it being closed all the time with me, it started to open up and as it opened up there was something there that I was talking to instead of me. That's where that self-talking comes in. Instead of self- Talking, I asked the power that he called God to take care or help me with my anger and hostility. And then all of a sudden, I started having days where these guys would, let's go have coffee and donuts and jive and laugh and everything. You see, the anger...