The Impowered Mind Disease – Women’s Book Study – Part 1 of 13 – Bob A.

Hi everyone, my name is Sylvia. I'm an alcoholic. Hi Sylvia Welcome to the primetime women's retreat, the first primetime woman's retreat and we are in Beaumont, California for alcoholics and it is September 8th, 1995 and let's see Why don't we open up the meeting with a serenity first God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So we want to welcome you all here. I'm glad that everyone made it safe. We're excited about this retreat. This is the first women's retreat that Bob's done at least, and it's for primetime. We're really excited about it, and I'm looking forward to having a really good time learning about the message and the recovery and all that kind of stuff. Why don't we go around the room and introduce ourselves? I'll start with myself, and then we can just go around like that maybe. My name's Sylvia. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, I'm Sylvia, and I am an alcoholic, and I have a baby. Denise, I have an alcoholic baby. Hi, Denise. Teresa, I am a alcoholic. Hi, Teresa. Jenny, I've got an alcoholic body. Hi, Jenny. Hi Diana. Hi Diana College. Hi Ida. Hi Donna. Hi Linda. Hi Olivia. Hi Christine. Hi Gloria. Hi Dianna College. Hi, Diana. Hi, Tina. Hi, Linda. Hi, Helen. Hi, Carol. Hi, Sarah Lee. Hi, Stacy. Hi, Nadine. And I'm Bob Adelkhalik. Hi, Bob. Let's see here. I'll just make a couple of brief announcements. we have I think you saw probably a sign now profanity the reason why we're doing that is because we're reproducing the tapes for people and we don't want to have any profanities on the tapes some people are offended by it so we want to just keep that and see if we can't not have any of that so that's why the sign's there um the way we're going to do it tonight we're going to have a meeting from 8 to 10 we might run over we might you know go under depends on how it goes um it shouldn't run too much over 10 o'clock. And then we'll go, we have, we'll have our meeting. We start tomorrow at 9 o' clock. We have breakfast at 8 o' clock. The meeting schedules for everything that's going on is at the front desk. Everybody should have been given one. If not, make sure you go ahead and get one so you know what's going on. And let's see. So we'll got by that schedule pretty closely if anything varies. I mean, within maybe ten minutes. Be aware that it could vary within 10 minutes early or 10 minutes late, so just be aware of that. Also, we have the pads like you guys probably all saw. Everyone has a pad and a pen and the reason why we're doing that is because as we go along with the retreat, we might all have questions that we might ask Bob or whatever at any point in the retreat. So what we'll do is at some point we'll stop and someone will collect all the questions and then we'll go through the questions and have those questions answered. And, you know, it's your own personal path so if you guys want to write notes to yourselves about anything, great. Nobody's going to be collecting them, so. And let's see. I'm just going to touch real briefly about the purpose of the meeting and then Bob's going to go more into that but the purpose of the retreat actually. You know, as you guys all know and most of you probably know that we've had a men's retreat. The men have had retreats, gosh, for like the last 10 years. And for a number of years, the purpose of the retreat has always been to come here to learn about alcoholism and the recovery program. And it's not really considered a vacation or it's Not considered getting away from troubles or anything like that. It's actually really to learn about the recovery problem. and I'm sure all of you guys know prime time and kind of have an idea about what it is that we do, but that's really what the purpose of this is and we're all gearing everything towards that so that you all know and Bob will go farther into that. And that's pretty much all I have at this point. Does anybody have any questions before we start? Any questions at all? No? Okay, why don't we all introduce our retreat director leader. Bob A thank you I'm Bob welcome here to this retreat these retreats that I've done before up in San Lorenzo and up in Sacramento different places it's all for the same reason you know and what it's about it's about learning more about the disease of alcoholism also maybe learning a little more about step application that you probably know maybe you don't know maybe you know more than I know it doesn't make any difference the main thing about it is is that we're going to talk about the things that are necessary or needed for the reason to come to Alcoholics Anonymous them pads you got they're very important the reason they're important is because your mind will come and go so quick and things will be said so fast sometimes that maybe you don't hear all of it or maybe you hear part of it and maybe you'd like to know more of it later or something like that. And generally what we can do is we can go so long and then if there's enough questions maybe being recorded maybe somebody could collect them and we could put them up here and read them and answer them as best we can because tonight I don't think it be a problem or not too big a problem but maybe tomorrow might be where you where you jump around a lot you go around you you go uh you go in steps and when you go in step sometimes you're in step one the next thing you're referring to step 12 and back to five down to four and then the one back and all that so it's a good idea if something crosses your mind to put it down because it might be something later you wish you would have found doubt about or asked about or something along that line. It works real well everywhere I go as far as helping for being here. You know, up in San Lorenzo, I've been up there many times and it has to be made real important that the retreat is there for the retreat. it's not there to get away from the city or the kids, the dogs, the house the telephone and all that kind of thing and once the retreat has started it seems like it gains momentum and it seems like it becomes something that becomes real interesting real important because I know for myself for some years in the beginning most of you have heard me And in the beginning, there was no information. The type of information that I needed, it was information of all kinds, but it was misinformation. It was always about something that I didn't even know what they were talking about after they got through talking about it because of the fact I didn'T know why I was here. What was the real reason to be an Alcoholics Anonymous or attend meetings? and so the purpose of talking about alcoholism I think it's endless I think myself personally that today I need to know more about the disease of alcoholism today than whatever I have learned in the past years doesn't make any difference because of the fact that what it is is a disease but it's a disease that's never considered in living, walking, talking life as you live your life out in the hustle bustle or maybe out there registering or here or there maybe in a market, a gas station or something like that the disease of alcoholism it has to be identified it hasと be recognized for what it really is and how it performs and like with me I had to learn I had то learn how I got this way it wasn't good enough to come here and be this way. I had to come here and then find out how come I got here and why am I here and what happened to me and so it took some time because there was no way at that time that I could read out of the big book from chapter two or three Solution and More about alcoholism and I couldn't read anything out of there that fit me in the day I'm in. It fit me maybe in the day I was in, or it fit me in the life or the world I come from. But it didn't fit me and Alcoholics Anonymous as I was sober going to meetings and working hard and doing many things. Now, most of these things I've said, I think probably some of you, I know, have heard it before. But believe me, it isn't something you can hear. And then after you hear it, it registers to the point of where you don't have to hear it again. And I wish it was like that sometimes because of what the disease, when it returns or when it turns on, of the damage it does in a day, I mean, after many, many years or many meetings or many whatever. And so the disease of alcoholism, it has to be looked at and considered that it's a power and it's an impowered mind disease. Now, the reason I keep talking about this is because I have to know this myself today. And the reason I have to know it today is because I still have a life that I live in the day I'm in. I stillhave everything the same way I used to have years ago. I've got opinions, I'vegot ideas, I got eyesight, Ive got hindsight, foresight and everything else. And so you don't become a robot here or you don''t become somebody here that once this is put into you, it becomes fixed. In other words, the disease is a wasm. you went through it, got rid of it now you don't have to face it you don' t have to think with it you don´t have to be with it and it would be something if that was true I myself believe that everything that I´ve ever done including what I learned to do in Alcoholics Anonymous I´m better at it today than I was then whether I was a sober drunk or otherwise it didn´t make no difference I think my capabilities and abilities today are stronger in the disease if it's used as a mind power disease than it was when I first started acquiring it little by little day by day, drunk by drunk or whatever however I got a hold of it so to know this you see what I'm talking about now to know it is just words they are, they're just words that's all they are they might not mean not a damn thing to you ever, I don't know For me, for a long time, they didn't mean nothing to me either. What meant a lot to me was the day I was in was always winning, winning, winning. Now, winning could be a lot of things. Winning could be maybe a boyfriend, maybe a husband, maybe a job, maybe you just name it, new clothes even or a new house or anything. Winning was always the name of the game for me being sober. I never once ever thought in terms that the quality of my life or the quality of my mind or my life that I live in the day I'm in had to be based on that day and that day only, because I was always in the future and I was always in a past. I was all looking at things I was going to get. I had a mind that kept talking to me all the time, and it talked to me with great authority, and I listened to it. and the thing is this what I'm saying now is that when I come here I came here and I had something to matter with me and what I had to matter with me was nobody nobody would actually show it to me present it to me make it possible so that I could see exactly me when I'm being me and being me means I'm me all the time I can't be anybody else I can only be me but you see these are These are thoughts that I used That I thought I could do differently I thought I could treat you differently I thought I could remember to act differently I thought I thought many, many things All the time But as these things were being thought Or as I was living this life This was going on And as this was going On My life was going On And as my life was Going on I was getting worse In other words I was adding more to my life. Now, adding more to my wife meant only of the life that I lived at one time. Now, that's when the disease of alcoholism was being built. I was acquiring it. I was building it. I was starting to use a thinking thought process in my life the day I was in and at this time I was trying to do something. I was doing something and I was trying to win again and I Was trying to be the boss I was trying to be big shot, I was trying to have more than you I was tryign to get ahead of you and all these things. Now these might not be important to you that I'm talking about now because maybe you don't ever question yourself, maybe you don' t ever look inside of yourself maybe you dont even look and see how you are today you just accept what's there and go on and on from that point well I had to do better than that I had find out exactly how I got like I was. Because you see, the disease of alcoholism must be considered as a disease. And it must be considered as a power because what it did, it controlled me. And I knew there was something wrong with me. Even though I could blame you, I knew inside of me that there was Something Wrong With Me. And this is before AA. This is way before AA But I didn't know what to do so I kept living in the same world I always lived in. I lived in a world I couldn't live in. I lived on a world because it was a world I had to make it happen. I had to make everything happen in the day I was in. I have to have the fun I had make all of the anything and everything that went on in my life it went through me and then when it went though me I had use my mind to make sure that I'd be alright. I started to learn to take care of myself. To take care myself means only the fact that I want to be ahead of you. I want to have more than you.I want to get what I want and I want it now, and I'm going to go for it. No matter what it costs, I'm going to go forth. These are things now that sound maybe I don't know today to you. They might not sound important. They might now sound like anything at all. But to me they are. They're very important. The reason why is because I don' to start building another life today a little bit here a little bit there now and then correct things and think i can get away with it i think that alcoholics anonymous for each one of us come in here I think that you have to learn about alcoholism ego and self just exactly who that is and what that is I think you have to learn it because I found out for myself when I got into the 12 step application I couldn't do them I could read them I could hear them and we could discuss them but I can't use them in my life when I live that life outside I just can't do it I don't know why my throat's going nuts. I used to base everything on starting like when you first come to Al-Qaeda, you start going to meetings. Now that, I figured that that is what it's all about. You go to meetings, I go to meeting. My sponsor goes to meetings he takes me to meetings and we go to meetings now my sponsor had nine years I looked at this nine years like it was a period of time that I'm going to have to wait nine years before I have what he has because it seemed like everything he said and everything he did was all right it was perfect but anything and everything I did was still from the old life which wasn't perfect and I didn't know the purpose of coming to Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought in terms of Alcoholics Anonymous that this, now these were things I was told years and years ago. And they're not true. And these things were told to me that I have a long way to go. That I have to keep coming to meetings. Keep coming back. You'll eventually be a winner. You're going to be alright. Just keep coming back." They would say things like, put the steps in your life and different things that were said in the day that I was in. They told me even that step four and step seven were identical, that Bill Wilson didn't want to repeat himself. That's what I heard and I still hear it today and that's the biggest lie you could ever hear. And they were told that step 10, 11 and 12 are maintenance steps, that once you get to 10, 11, and 12, all you have to do is maintain a daily function with 10, 12, and 11. You see, the disease of alcoholism was never talked about. It was never exposed. It wasn't identified where it's at, why it's there, how it got there. Why doesn't it go away? Why doesn' t time heal it? Why doesn't it get healed from staying away from the bottles and stuff like that? Instead of that, it gets worse. It doesn't get better. And that for the first two and a half years I had, I did not drink an alcoholic sonata until the day I got here. But for the next two and a half year, I was worse than I was when I got here. I was more capable. I had a mind that was much more cleaner. It had a mind dat I could really connive and really cheat and look at things the right way, you know. and I recognized all that stuff you know I went what I can remember at the time is that I'm a automobile mechanic and I drive from Canoga Park to Van Nuys and from Canoka Park to Van nuys, I bet you I have at least two fights I'll bet you I have at least 2 with some other driver for some reason and these are bad enough where we stop and we get out of the car and I had trouble and I got a lot of trouble all the time I had troubles at work I had problems with guys that I worked with because of the fact that my mind would talk to me it would tell me things it would say things and I would honestly believe it I would perform from my own mind now look at it today this day let's not go in through the years let's just take your mind today how capable is your mind today of doing what it wants to do how quick does it make a decision how quick doesn't get angry how quick can you want to hurt somebody and you hurt him just like that as fast as you can hurt him you hurt them that fast and you see I started to look at these things and I had to look at them back when I did as something that was inside of me it was happening to me I meant well I always meant well I meant when I was drunk even but I couldn't do well and here I am in AA going to meetings because you see I myself know that alcoholism it doesn't come in degrees it just don't alcoholism is alcoholism period it's on full blast there is no such thing as you being a little bit more alcoholic than me there's no such thing as that the reason there isn't is because it's a mind disease. And when it's a mind disease, it's your own mind individually. So you see from my way of thinking now, I had to learn to start looking at this life that I'm talking about as an individual life. Me, not you. But you see sometimes I can't do that because I'm still going to blame you. I'm going to look at you and I'm going to find fault with you and I am going to put the behavior on you because I that way if you hadn't done what you did I wouldn't do what I did and there's all kinds of reasoning going on see well this is something I'm talking about now but should be talked about it should be talked about because of the fact of what the disease of alcoholism is it's never dead it won't die and it won´t die until you die the disease of alcoholism is just as strong right now in me or stronger if I use it now to use it means to use my own thoughts my own power my own emotions my own strengths my own everything if I go to me, and even self-talk to me. I'm going to get exactly what I always get. And this is a lot of years later. But time doesn't heal. Time can't heal your alcoholism because it's your mind. It's your brain that's hurt. It's injured. And you must accept it. One of the first freedoms that I got was the fact that I found out there's something the matter with me. I didn't know what it was but it gave me some kind of a relief it gave Me something that as I was at work I would stop dead in My tracks because I knew I was doing something I shouldn't do and it was because I was doing it and that was unusual for Me because I'm generally the kind of person when I go so far with something I have to go the whole way you get in an argument with Me we're going to go the whole damn way whatever that means and this is this should be recognized of what it is what's doing that it's a mind that's doing that, it's the power of the mind it's an disease that's in my mind it doesn't heal you can't erase it you can, there's no way you can mean well you can hang around here forever I've hung around here forever it seems like and everything is still there it's just waiting to be touched and the moment I touch alcoholism meaning self I have to take the whole package I take all of my yesterdays I take everything I brought here and that's who I am right now the second I go to self now try to see if you can't see yourself in a behavior or in a mind that does that to you see how quick your mind will go backwards it'll go backwards to find fault with somebody you love so you can throw it in his face and hurt him again or vice versa. Man or woman, no big difference. This is the disease. This is the disease of alcoholism. To go into steps like I did. I went into steps with my sponsor but I never knew what was the matter with me. I just didn't know. I just thought I drank. I thought I got in trouble. I went to the hospital. I come out of the hospital. I'm in AA and that's the story. That ain't the story. Why not find out what happened before I got to that hospital. Why not find out what happened? Why did I act like I act? What put this inside of me? Why am I built this way? Was I born this way?" I wasn't born this way, and I know every alcoholic that I know was not born this way. I got this way in a world that I couldn't live in. It was a world that I had to go ahead and do things. So when I did these things, I became the character. I took on the responsibility to do the things that I was doing, and when I did these things, sometimes I had to go farther than I needed to go, but I went there anyway, and when I went here anyway, I was still building a character. I was telling me, showing me. I was referring to me always how to get things, how to do things. I ran with a motorcycle crowd for years, and man you have to be fast, and you You have to be tough, and you have to be smarter than the next guy, and you've got to have everything just right. And I did. But to do that, you pay a price. And the price you pay, you build a person. You build a character. And this character you've built is built on defects. Defects now were the things that I put in me by myself. My father, mother, no bartender, nobody put them in me. I put them in me, and the reason I put them in me is because I wanted to live in a world and the world I wanted to live in I had to do this I had to learn how to fight how to cheat how to steal how to take things from people abuse them use them set them up and hurt them hard but that was the way of life that was something I did that's how I lived and I lived like this all the time and as I lived like this all the same I never once ever gave any consideration exactly what's happening to me who am I anyway I never cared Just give me what I want and get out of my way. I'm all right. This is a story, believe me, this is a story of any alcoholic, whether you're a woman or a man, makes no damn difference. It's a mind controlling disease. It'S a mind that keeps going, going, and going and you can't even stop it. My mind, I couldn't stop it. I'd go to bed at night and the thing would be going 90 miles an hour. It'd be reliving things. I'd wake up in the morning and I'm still going 90 miles an hour, and I'm still reliving everything. I got, I'm just living my life over and over and over again all the time, and never once knowing that there could be another way of living. There could be something different because of the fact of the booze gave me, you know, the alcohol. Really, I know this. I found this out years ago. The alcohol that I was drinking was treating my alcoholism and I didn't even know it. Because it made my mind a mind that I could live with. It gave me a world that I loved that world. I thought I was perfect in that world I thought that I was the best everything best dancer, the best lover the best bike rider the best of everything. When I was it was it was it was a thing it was the thing I lived on. I lived out of alcohol. Alcohol became my life but I didnít know at the time what it was doing to me as the character that I was building I didn't know that it was putting in me the things that were in me that shouldn't be in there and the things that were all those things they're called defects but they're things that I do that I should never do I should ever do it and I do them anyway alcoholism there's so many areas that talk about and about alcoholism there's some many areas to look at because you see that it's a story about each and every one of our lives but it's not, it's an never ending story. You would think like I used to think maybe, I thought that once I'd stop drinking, once I come to Alcoholics Anonymous, once they start going to meetings, that this alcoholism now is gone. It's gone. And in time, it'll be all gone. Everything will be gone and I'll be alright. I really, honest to God, thought that way for a long time. I used to ask my sponsor all different kind of questions. And I always asked them about my life, about my future. What am I going to do now? And things like that. Well, you see, the disease of alcoholism was a disease that was putting me in a place on the day I was in. And I was running scared. I was afraid all the time. And I had the kind of fear inside of me. I wasn't afraid of man. I wasn'T afraid of fighting. I wasn' t afraid of getting hurt or nothing like that. But I was afraid of my mind and my life, of where I was going, what I would do next. I kept turning. I kept looking at people, certain people. I had a wife I took through the drinking days and I really took her through a severe life. And then here I am sober two and a half years and I'm looking at her and I'M thinking the same thoughts I used to think I'm looking at her and I'm feeling bad inside because I don't like her I don' t like what she's doing and this here got to be to me it got to something that was bothering me there was a happening one time when she went to the store and I've been sober two and a half years and she went to the story I took a bunch of these bulbs these gladiola bulbs and I separated them so you plant them single so you get one flower instead of a bunch of them you know and I had them all sorted out in the garage all lined up all separated all ready to be planted one by one she came home from the store and drove me to the car and drove the car into the garage and squashed every one of them I lost my mind there wasn't a name that I could remember I didn't call her and I raised so much hell over something and have nothing to do with nothing and yet though at the same time it was going on I couldn't stop myself from not doing that can you imagine I didn't even think I didn' t want to think I didn''t try to think that it's ok to smash them all throw them all out who cares about them anyway never once thought that but you see that kind of thinking stop and think that happened a long time ago but that's today's thinking too because that's coming from the same mind that it came from them then. It's still there. It's packed full of everything that's ready. It's got a file cabinet. It's already built and loaded. All I have to do is touch it and I'll take out everything that is in there. And this is the disease of alcoholism. Why should any one of us come here and sit at meetings like this and you sit here now and as you are sitting here there is information going on. It's information, maybe it's important to you maybe it is not. But how about some information, though, you might hear that you might go outside that door out there and all of a sudden you see something that upsets you so damn bad you just do the same damn thing I did. How about finding out about that? See if it's there. See if the disease of alcoholism can be recognized as a disease. When it's called a disease, it's got to be reason for calling it a disease。 It's a disease that's one of the most deadliest of all diseases that I know of personally and many others know also. because of what it does. It'll kill you. And not only will it kill you, it'll kill everybody else around you. And whether you die a slow death or a sudden death, it'll still kill you because of the fact of what it does to you. It does. I've seen so many and myself included. I lived for the first two and a half years in the disease of alcoholism sober. Sober. The next year, I started making a beginning, a small beginning. A beginning but a small one. And that year gave me some kind of a start, gave me something to start with. Because for the next year, my wife got sick on a Thursday, she died on a Sunday morning, and I was there, and I didn't understand it, couldn't accept it, didn't know what happened, why should she be laid in a casket, why shouldn't I lay there instead of her? And I had a mind that just kept going like that back and forth all the time. And this year, this is what I'm saying now. is about the same thing all the time. The disease of alcoholism is never never a wasn't. I don't care how many of you guys are here tonight with any kind of track record I don' t care how much time you got it'll never be an alcohol wasn't, it's never dead it's ever put aside so that you can't find it, it' s always there waiting to come forward it' S always there ready to use and the way it's ready to use is just use your mind go alone in other words go with your own power and see what follows that see what goes with that every yesterday every defective character everything that you ever possibly could have sober and then drunk you still have it it's waiting Bill Wilson writes about that in this book right here how it's waiting at each man's elbow to resume its destruction this is something now the reason why I talk the way I talk because I had such a long long time of trying to find out what's wrong with me when I'm not drunk and I'm hanging around bars I'm working I'm taking home my money I'm buying things I'm acquiring things what's the matter with me why do I have to still have a mind that gets angry. It looks at people, certain people certain people I can't stand and I don't even know these people I don' t know them I got such an opinion on them though. I've got such a comment to make inside of me about these people and I dont even recognize that's what kills me that's wat hurts me that's wot makes my ism still an ism it's still alive, it's there I'm using it. It's telling me the same thing it told me years ago. You see, there's no chance. There's no chance for any one of you and there's not chance for anyone of me to say to you, I'm not going to do this, I am not going to do that. By your power, you'll never make it. You might have luck here and there. You might maybe make it here and there. But the character though is always the same character. You'll do it again. you might suppress it you might hold it down but it'll come again it's got to and the reason it's got to is because it's the same person the same character the same mind when that mind is touched used thoughtless went to anything it'll produce exactly the same thing I don't care how long you've been sober I don' t care how many times you got on your knees and prayed it's still there and that's why this year what I'm talking about now it's about alcoholism because there's so many places that go from here now you know this isn't like steps that I'm talking about this isn'T like step four or something like that this is recognizing a true character me I come here for me I had to learn and this is today now I'm not talking about I'm only talking about me all the time I am never talking about you I don't care who you are. I'm always talking about me because I have to keep looking in me. I haveと keep associating my life to what my life really is. This here life I'm talking about now is a guaranteed life. It's a life that's guaranteed because of what's there. What's there is what follows from what we're doing now. But at first, now, why not learn a great deal about your own behavior, your own mind, your own way of living, whether you live with 10 kids, brothers and sisters or none, father, mother, none whatever, it doesn't make no difference I look at it the way I do I look it as like I believe I started it when I was about 15. The reason I say 15 is because that was about when I started living in a world of my own. Buying things from my own making, my own job driving cars when I was 15 because I bought cars when I was 15. I ran around with gals. I ran around here and there. And I believe myself that my life, the character that I built started when I was about 15 because I was responsible for my life in the day I was in to do the things that I wanted to do, to live the life that I want to live. And sometimes this life didn't come out the way it should. So I went ahead and I kept going anyway. And as I kept going, I got older. I got in deeper. I got more with whatever was going on. And, as that happened, I had to take more responsibility. I had the really take on the responsibility. When you said something, you better be able to back it up. Whenever you did something, you better back that up too. And this is what I mean now about the disease of alcoholism. And I believe any one of us, I don't care who you are, man or woman, doesn't make no difference, I believe every one of us do the same thing. I believe we all do the same thing, we have a mind that tells us things when we listen to these things we do these things, sometimes they hurt sometimes they don't, sometimes they give you success, give you pleasure give you whatever, but at the same time, the character building has taken place I learned how to behave I learned How To Act, I learned to be nice to certain people and how to be rotten to others, I learn how to cheat how to get things out of people I can get it from you one way or another and I'll get it, believe me I will because this is what I am I live like this, I think like this I work like this I do this all the time so this part what I'm talking about now, maybe in questions maybe yourself I don't know how you consider you got to where you are I don' t know what's the matter with you I don''t know what you do but I don'T think that's necessary what I DO think is necessary is to at least identify it at least put it down so that you can see yourself maybe later want to know something want to see something were you an angel out there or was you not did you do things out there selfishly self-centered like I did I did everything I did I was just like on page 60 to 63 in here everything was about me my troubles was of my own making I was out in the world and I was a taker And I mean a taker, too. I took everything I could possibly take because I wanted it. I would go in bars. I would do everything, anything, to get what I want. And it didn't make no difference to me how I did it. I did. But as I was doing that, the character that I'm building, I'm a character that's a takER. Now, a takEr is somebody like me that's always out in front, never looking at you, always pushing people aside hurting people doesn't make no difference who they are they could be loved ones, anybody but I'm going to get what I want and I'm gonna go where I want and have what I wants and do what I what never once will I ever think of contributing what I ain't gonna contribute nothing man I'm not gonna do that I'm just gonna take this is why you know on page 62 in your big book when it talks in there about being selfish self-centered how do you think like I had to stop and think how did I get this way that's me, certainly me because how did i get to be so selfish how did they get so self-centered i wanted to know all these things i don't want to just read this stuff here after i read it didn't mean nothing to me but i'd like to know what happened to me and i'd to know when i'd know what it is about me so that I can have something that I never had before. I want to live in this world that I'm in and I knew it but I didn't know how to live it. I didn' t know how to live with a drunk and I didn''t know how to life with a sober either one because I kept losing and the way I lost I lost always the same way. I always pushed and shoved. I always turned on somebody. I always thought of me and then them and then they get hurt and they won't stand still for it and this means a wife this could mean possessions cars, homes, anything at all doesn't make no difference two and a half years when I was in the A.A. sober the first two and half years there wasn't a damn thing about me I was the same man sober as I was drunk everything and anything everything and everything went through me first nobody nobody had a word they could get in if I wasn't there first nothing happened you wait for me and then it's going to start and that was the way I lived I lived that way I was that way at work even I got to be a service manager in a Lincoln Mercury dealer why do you think I got to become a service manager the reason why I'm the boss I can tell everybody else now what to do this is something I strive for I really strive for because of the fact of the character that I was I was always on all the time when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous I was still on I was still around AA the beginning there, up at San Fernando. They called me the Gestapo up there because I was the one that was always in front. I was the one who was always leading. I was the ones that said it had to do this way, not that way. That was a character that I have that I can do nothing about by myself personally, nothing. And this here, for me, talking about alcoholism as a disease before you go to steps, I think it's really necessary positively necessary because I got into steps and I didn't know the purpose of them I didn' t know where they belong and why they belong there because I couldn't associate my wife to what's there to do I didn''t know what was the matter with me I didn ''t know that these things that I'm talking about alcohol hasn't got a damn thing to do with it when I got here I thought it was all because of alcohol and it didn't have a damn thing to do with it. It took me where it took me and it did the damage it did but that still wasn't the problem because as soon as they took the alcohol away from me I still had the problem, me. I still can't live in a world sober and I couldn't live in a drunk either. So that's why I talk the way I talk about this. You know there's so much to talk about we have two hours that we could use up and in this two hours there can be some questions it's better to write the question and then read it from the writing so that doesn't get into a talk thing where we lose time if you think that you have any questions at all you want them answered now I you want to look that are considered why you could go around and collect them and And we'll put them here and take a look at them, see what's there. I'll tell you guys, I didn't say when I made some announcements, there's coffee, tea, and water over there. we're just going to go ahead and start reading what is self-talking okay let's see what is self-taught you know we'll get into this later real deep but self-talking self- talking is not thinking self- Self-talking is the authority of each and every one of us when we use our own mind. It's what we tell ourselves. Self-Talking is when you tell yourself it should be this way, that way, whatever it is, it's the authority. But it becomes the authority to act upon. Self-Talking is not thinking. Thinking is good. Self- Talking is bad. Self- Talking is what you use for your life as a power. This is where the power originates. This is what the power is to live, to think, to act. It's through self-talking. We'll get into self-taking a lot better when we get into step two. But self-talking, remember, self-Talking can't be good because now we're talking on the disease side. Now we're not talking on a recovery side. We're talking about the disease.