The 15-Pound Telephone and the Ego – Sandy B.

About This Speaker Tape

1964, a military mental institution. Sandy B. remembers a Navy lieutenant commander smashing his clay ashtray just to win a contest. That kind of petty wreckage is the ego Sandy spent a lifetime feeding. From the cold tile floors of Yale to the cockpit of a fighter jet, alcohol was the only thing that silenced the fear of being an imposter. The descent was a slow burn: losing vision in the air, throwing up blood in a Quonset hut in Japan, and eventually waking up in a straitjacket after a grand mal seizure.

Recovery began not with a sudden shift, but with a hand on a shoulder in a smelly room with a space heater. Sandy describes the "15-pound telephone"—the crushing weight of the ego that makes asking for help feel like a sign of weakness. Now, he views his years of wreckage as a gift, the only currency that allows him to speak to a newcomer on a level playing field, guided by a Higher Power.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Sandy B. opens with a humorous plea to find the man who sabotaged his ashtray in a military mental institution.
• 4:15 Childhood memories of New Haven and the frightening imagery of the crucifix in the Catholic Church.
• 8:30 The 'Alice in Wonderland' effect of the first few drinks at Yale University.
• 15:40 Life as a Marine Corps pilot and the intensity of his drinking that scared even other heavy drinkers.
• 20:10 Physical collapse: losing vision in the plane and the bizarre psychiatric interviews in Pensacola.
• 26:30 The 'nut ward' experience, hallucinations of the CIA, and being placed in a straitjacket.
• 31:15 Meeting his sponsor Bill T. and the first meeting in Manassas with a non-flush toilet and square dancing.
• 36:40 The 'Hotel California' apartment in Alexandria and sponsoring newcomers at a redwood picnic table.
• 43:10 Discussion on the '15-pound telephone' and the ego's resistance to asking for help.
• 50:20 Reflections on Carl J.'s views on spirituality and the 'language of the heart'.
• 55:10 The metaphor of the master sculptor chipping away defects to reveal the statue inside the marble.